So am on lesson 3, I am still working with the relaxation cd on a daily basis (usually 3X a day) but allowing some days where I only use it once or just not at all and those are my down days. I am still using the 6 steps every once in awhile but am doing alot of the calming work with the thought replacement on paper and doing alot of that on paper and its helping me out alot.
I listened to the lesson cd and yeah I am definately a negative thinker and It seems like I realize this alot more now than I have any of the other times going through this program in the last 7 years. It gives me hope and the examples in the lesson cd help put perspective on the replacements too. They don't have to be really complicated, they can be pretty simply and yet still effective but need to be done frequently. Its alot of work but it is soooooooooooo worth it!
I'm still also going through group therapy for the sexual abuse and its rough! I am starting to really make boundries for myself in order to feel secure and in order to connect with others instead of having walls up and not allowing anybody in and it feels good. So many things are changing, my priorities, the perception I have of myself and others, my friendships, goals, hope...etc.
Its been really rough when it comes to relationships. Someone who claimed to be my "best" friend has ended our friendship and well he wasn't much of a thoughtful or considerate person when it came to my feelings and my needs and that was needed but really difficult. I just ended another friendship because of that same inconsiderateness to my feelings and such that I just couldn't ignore anymore. I'm really glad the program is here to help with this kind of stuff.
Mike
Ninjafrodo runthrough Lesson 3
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ElectrifiedBrain
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Re: Ninjafrodo runthrough Lesson 3
Well, I'm glad that you're lowering the walls and setting up lines in the sand instead! I know how difficult that can be, so I'm proud of you, Mike!
"It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that things are difficult." - Unknown
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NinjaFrodo
- Posts: 1263
- Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am
Re: Ninjafrodo runthrough Lesson 3
Thank you ElectrifiedBrain
Definately got more of a grasp when it comes to replacing thoughts and am doing it more, everytime I feel intense negative emotions. It really does help and I do get relief from it, I am connecting with the process instead of doing it robotically as I had before in the past. I am definately feeling alot more hopeful and positive but still have some negative feelings from ending those friendships but I'm really finding that this is a natural thing and it would take anybody some time for those feelings to go away especially when there is an attachment there. Its not easy for anybody in that situation. Those negative feelings are very real and I'm ok with floating with them but I am not sitting and dwelling on them, I am doing fun things and enjoying myself. I allow the feelings and I am taking care of myself and floating with the feelings and I know eventually they will subside. The goal is not to always be positive but to be comfortable with my emotions and not over react to them.
Still going pretty strong with the relaxation cd but there are times when I still have some resistance and its ok. I still end up using the relaxation cd and I don't have to be active with it every single time I listen to it, thats fine too.
I am also still using the 6 steps every once in awhile. Sometimes when the thoughts are really strong I will use that instead of the thought replacement or if i'm out walking I'll use it. I was afraid I wouldn't but I still am.
I also have started to get back into focusing on my goal whenever I do an activity (ie working out, hip-hop dancing) instead of focusing on how I can't do it and it feels really great. I have alot more power and determination and energy when I do that as opposed to when i tell myself I can't and I feel lethargic and hopeless and thats actually when I really space out the most and the body symptoms come. So I can either be on my side and feel good about my efforts and have been quality efforts or I can be against myself and hinder my efforts and make myself have anxiety. I like knowing i'm in control that way.
Thats about it for now, its late. I'd like to post some examples of my thought replacement and will do that on my next post.
Mike
Definately got more of a grasp when it comes to replacing thoughts and am doing it more, everytime I feel intense negative emotions. It really does help and I do get relief from it, I am connecting with the process instead of doing it robotically as I had before in the past. I am definately feeling alot more hopeful and positive but still have some negative feelings from ending those friendships but I'm really finding that this is a natural thing and it would take anybody some time for those feelings to go away especially when there is an attachment there. Its not easy for anybody in that situation. Those negative feelings are very real and I'm ok with floating with them but I am not sitting and dwelling on them, I am doing fun things and enjoying myself. I allow the feelings and I am taking care of myself and floating with the feelings and I know eventually they will subside. The goal is not to always be positive but to be comfortable with my emotions and not over react to them.
Still going pretty strong with the relaxation cd but there are times when I still have some resistance and its ok. I still end up using the relaxation cd and I don't have to be active with it every single time I listen to it, thats fine too.
I am also still using the 6 steps every once in awhile. Sometimes when the thoughts are really strong I will use that instead of the thought replacement or if i'm out walking I'll use it. I was afraid I wouldn't but I still am.
I also have started to get back into focusing on my goal whenever I do an activity (ie working out, hip-hop dancing) instead of focusing on how I can't do it and it feels really great. I have alot more power and determination and energy when I do that as opposed to when i tell myself I can't and I feel lethargic and hopeless and thats actually when I really space out the most and the body symptoms come. So I can either be on my side and feel good about my efforts and have been quality efforts or I can be against myself and hinder my efforts and make myself have anxiety. I like knowing i'm in control that way.
Thats about it for now, its late. I'd like to post some examples of my thought replacement and will do that on my next post.
Mike
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NinjaFrodo
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Re: Ninjafrodo runthrough Lesson 3
So did the tick mark action assignment where the object is to make a tic every time i catch myself thinking a negative thought and stopping it. I ticked 75 times today and felt pretty good about stopping them when they came, overall i felt good but also today i had many moments of anger which was very justified and I also allowed myself to have them and float with them.
I am finding that its like having 2 people in my head now. Its like I've got old me and new me and both programing are there and I switch back and forth. I feel sad but happy, lonely but not lonely, a sense of loss from ending those 2 friendships but a sense of peace, discouraged but empowered, hopeless but hopeful. It feels really strange I must say but i'd say its working and i'm still motivated and i'm still using the skills even the ones from the last lesson instead of just "forgetting" them. Things really are building on top of each other!
Mike
I am finding that its like having 2 people in my head now. Its like I've got old me and new me and both programing are there and I switch back and forth. I feel sad but happy, lonely but not lonely, a sense of loss from ending those 2 friendships but a sense of peace, discouraged but empowered, hopeless but hopeful. It feels really strange I must say but i'd say its working and i'm still motivated and i'm still using the skills even the ones from the last lesson instead of just "forgetting" them. Things really are building on top of each other!
Mike
Re: Ninjafrodo runthrough Lesson 3
hi how ARE YOU?my name is isabel and im also a victim of sexual abuse when i was young... now i have PTSD..... it struck me like a lightning bec i thought i was doing fine not until i developed severe anxiety / panic attacks...........
how are u doing so well? did u try psychotherapy? does it really help?
pls feel free to message me
thank u have a blessed weekend
how are u doing so well? did u try psychotherapy? does it really help?
pls feel free to message me thank u have a blessed weekend
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finallyhere
- Posts: 39
- Joined: Sun Jul 17, 2011 6:20 pm
Re: Ninjafrodo runthrough Lesson 3
Hi Mike, I don't have friends that ditch me. I ditch them. I am so afraid that I'm not good enough that I always set myself up to fail...that way no one can hurt me. It's very hard to open up to people with this cripling(sp?) fear. SAD. Social Anxiety Disorder. I am working with this program because. I need to. It is helping.
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NinjaFrodo
- Posts: 1263
- Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am
Re: Ninjafrodo runthrough Lesson 3
Isabel
I am doing alright Isabel, its a struggle to work on this stuff on a daily basis but definately well worth it i'm finding. The sexual abuse stuff is pretty intense and I likely have the PTSD stuff as well. I feel numb alot and really disconnected but through the program and the group therapy sessions I'm starting to connect more. It does get hard with going through the sexual abuse huh? The anxiety and panic attacks are pretty strong when it comes to that, lots of past feelings and memories come up and it can be difficult to handle them at times.
How am I doing so well? Well I've been working with the program for 7 years so I got a good grasp on it but had alot of resistance to using the skills and the relaxation cd. I believe because of the sexual abuse I had lost my ability to relax and I kept sabbotaging my efforts with any kind of self-help. I knew exactly what I needed to do but just couldn't get myself to do it no matter how hard I tried to force myself and thats because I wasn't addressing the reasons why I was resisting it. My mind was protecting me and by being successful with the self-help It would have opened me up to have to face alot of the abuse memories and pain without having the support I needed and the ability to handle that and so I needed to establish that first before I could move on. I found the group therapy here in toronto and its done by peers not psychologists or psychiatrists and it helped to give me that support and I gained back my ability to relax and took away my need to resist and sabbotage my efforts and now I can see my goals and go after them and know I have people I can talk to if something really intense comes up and I need to talk to them.
I've seen a psychologist, a few psychiatrists and councellors but I didn't really go into the abuse at that time. I knew i was abused and thought i dealt with it after i went to the cops about the abuse and I confronted my abuser but still was all disassociated and feeling bewildered and found this program and figured it was just anxiety and depression and so thats what I talked about but it never really got me anywhere because the abuse was at the root of it and I wasn't addressing it.
Finallyhere;
I understand where you are coming from. You are dealing with social anxiety disorder and in order to protect yourself from being hurt, you sabbotage things before hand and just don't hangout with your friends. I understand it and yes very difficult to open up to people. What happens with me is i'll get into social situations and not know what exactly to say and my mind goes blank and I really focus on that and then have nothing to talk about and feel bad about it and I spend alot of time choosing my words carefully and being cautious, it can be really challenging and i'm glad the program is helping you out.
Mike
I am doing alright Isabel, its a struggle to work on this stuff on a daily basis but definately well worth it i'm finding. The sexual abuse stuff is pretty intense and I likely have the PTSD stuff as well. I feel numb alot and really disconnected but through the program and the group therapy sessions I'm starting to connect more. It does get hard with going through the sexual abuse huh? The anxiety and panic attacks are pretty strong when it comes to that, lots of past feelings and memories come up and it can be difficult to handle them at times.
How am I doing so well? Well I've been working with the program for 7 years so I got a good grasp on it but had alot of resistance to using the skills and the relaxation cd. I believe because of the sexual abuse I had lost my ability to relax and I kept sabbotaging my efforts with any kind of self-help. I knew exactly what I needed to do but just couldn't get myself to do it no matter how hard I tried to force myself and thats because I wasn't addressing the reasons why I was resisting it. My mind was protecting me and by being successful with the self-help It would have opened me up to have to face alot of the abuse memories and pain without having the support I needed and the ability to handle that and so I needed to establish that first before I could move on. I found the group therapy here in toronto and its done by peers not psychologists or psychiatrists and it helped to give me that support and I gained back my ability to relax and took away my need to resist and sabbotage my efforts and now I can see my goals and go after them and know I have people I can talk to if something really intense comes up and I need to talk to them.
I've seen a psychologist, a few psychiatrists and councellors but I didn't really go into the abuse at that time. I knew i was abused and thought i dealt with it after i went to the cops about the abuse and I confronted my abuser but still was all disassociated and feeling bewildered and found this program and figured it was just anxiety and depression and so thats what I talked about but it never really got me anywhere because the abuse was at the root of it and I wasn't addressing it.
Finallyhere;
I understand where you are coming from. You are dealing with social anxiety disorder and in order to protect yourself from being hurt, you sabbotage things before hand and just don't hangout with your friends. I understand it and yes very difficult to open up to people. What happens with me is i'll get into social situations and not know what exactly to say and my mind goes blank and I really focus on that and then have nothing to talk about and feel bad about it and I spend alot of time choosing my words carefully and being cautious, it can be really challenging and i'm glad the program is helping you out.
Mike
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NinjaFrodo
- Posts: 1263
- Joined: Wed Aug 18, 2004 3:00 am
Re: Ninjafrodo runthrough Lesson 3
Missed out on sleep and felt really anxious. Was suppose to go to some parade but I really didn't feel up to it, not because of the anxiety I just didn't feel like going and so I didn't push myself and just decided to hangout with myself instead. I went for a walk down a forest path and just relaxed under a sheltered area and did some work through a sexual abuse workbook and wrote a few pages for a book i'm writing and then went to the gym. It was a quiet day and that was alright for me.
I had alot of anger come up today and it was alright, I was pretty tired and have had alot going on in my life lately and am also opening up to anger towards my abuser so its understandable for me to feel that right now and I actually let some of that anger out to one of those "friends" I had. I had kept justifying why he did what he did even though it legitamately hurt me and I didn't allow myself to get too angry with him and still kept him in my life but he really hurt me and I needed to acknowledge that and needed for him to acknowledge that and so I got angry and let him have it but it was through text messaging. I know it wasn't the most nicest way to handle the situation but thats fine, I'm just starting to open up to my anger and allow myself to have it and it really didn't matter to me how he took it. I'll fine tune the anger later
I didn't push myself too much with the skills today. I did listen to the relaxation cd while walking, I really didn't want to fall asleep during the day so didn't bother using it during the day. I used the 6 steps or at least the first 3 a couple of times and it helped and replaced thoughts on paper and that really helped but today was mostly about floating with everything and just allowing myself to have a less productive day.
I said I would write about replacing my thoughts so here they are;
1)I'm still bewildered, its really scary, when will this ever end?
->This anxiety has been a problem for 16 years and so has the bewildered feeling, its not going to go away really quickly, it takes some time and alot of calming down and relaxing. It will go away on its own and already has started to. I'm going to continue doing what I'm doing with the relaxation, float with the bewildered feelings and eventually it will go away. Its just a matter of time.
2)I should be more social with others, its rude not to be
->This is not an easy task for me and if its coming off as rude or not I know I'm not trying to be that way. I am just feeling really insecure and for good reason too. I was violated and my trust destroyed as a kid and also being hurt for being gay, I deserve a huge break here and alot of credit for how social and trusting I've become despite my painful past.
3)I am such a bad person, I shouldn't have thought those bad things about chris
->There was something about Chris that made me feel really insecure and afraid and I was just protecting myself, theres nothing wrong with that and we all think negative thoughts about other people.
4)I'm feeling really confused and discouraged right now and I just want it to go away, I shouldn't feel this, I'm afraid i'm falling back
->I'm going through some really tough struff right now and I have the right to feel how I'm feeling and its ok. Emotions don't always go away really fast especially when it comes to feeling hurt, it takes time for anybody not just people who have been sexually abused. I'm going to allow myself to feel what I need to feel, I don't need to treat it like its a crisis because its not and I can simply float with it and deal with it on my own. It isn't life or death and I will get through it and as long as I'm not resisting it, I won't have to worry about it and as long as I don't resist it, it won't grow strong and consume me. I can still go on my day and even enjoy myself regardless, it doesn't have to be there all the time. I'm going to relax, workout, do hip-hop, eat good food and that'll make me feel better and take me away from the pain for a bit. I can handle this, I can do it.
5)I still canm't stay in the moment, what is wrong with me?
->I'm still going through some really big struggles especially right now. I just lost 2 really close friendships, I am in a rut with the abuse, I'm not working and gave up some really big coping skills. I need to give myself a break here, what I've been dealing with is alot all at once and so of course I'm going to space out and its ok. Its ok to feel spacey and I'm working to overcome it on a daily basis and I will get there, I just need to accept where I am and what I have available to me and continue to work on myself the way I am right now and eventually I will overcome it, its impossible not to.
Mike
I had alot of anger come up today and it was alright, I was pretty tired and have had alot going on in my life lately and am also opening up to anger towards my abuser so its understandable for me to feel that right now and I actually let some of that anger out to one of those "friends" I had. I had kept justifying why he did what he did even though it legitamately hurt me and I didn't allow myself to get too angry with him and still kept him in my life but he really hurt me and I needed to acknowledge that and needed for him to acknowledge that and so I got angry and let him have it but it was through text messaging. I know it wasn't the most nicest way to handle the situation but thats fine, I'm just starting to open up to my anger and allow myself to have it and it really didn't matter to me how he took it. I'll fine tune the anger later
I didn't push myself too much with the skills today. I did listen to the relaxation cd while walking, I really didn't want to fall asleep during the day so didn't bother using it during the day. I used the 6 steps or at least the first 3 a couple of times and it helped and replaced thoughts on paper and that really helped but today was mostly about floating with everything and just allowing myself to have a less productive day.
I said I would write about replacing my thoughts so here they are;
1)I'm still bewildered, its really scary, when will this ever end?
->This anxiety has been a problem for 16 years and so has the bewildered feeling, its not going to go away really quickly, it takes some time and alot of calming down and relaxing. It will go away on its own and already has started to. I'm going to continue doing what I'm doing with the relaxation, float with the bewildered feelings and eventually it will go away. Its just a matter of time.
2)I should be more social with others, its rude not to be
->This is not an easy task for me and if its coming off as rude or not I know I'm not trying to be that way. I am just feeling really insecure and for good reason too. I was violated and my trust destroyed as a kid and also being hurt for being gay, I deserve a huge break here and alot of credit for how social and trusting I've become despite my painful past.
3)I am such a bad person, I shouldn't have thought those bad things about chris
->There was something about Chris that made me feel really insecure and afraid and I was just protecting myself, theres nothing wrong with that and we all think negative thoughts about other people.
4)I'm feeling really confused and discouraged right now and I just want it to go away, I shouldn't feel this, I'm afraid i'm falling back
->I'm going through some really tough struff right now and I have the right to feel how I'm feeling and its ok. Emotions don't always go away really fast especially when it comes to feeling hurt, it takes time for anybody not just people who have been sexually abused. I'm going to allow myself to feel what I need to feel, I don't need to treat it like its a crisis because its not and I can simply float with it and deal with it on my own. It isn't life or death and I will get through it and as long as I'm not resisting it, I won't have to worry about it and as long as I don't resist it, it won't grow strong and consume me. I can still go on my day and even enjoy myself regardless, it doesn't have to be there all the time. I'm going to relax, workout, do hip-hop, eat good food and that'll make me feel better and take me away from the pain for a bit. I can handle this, I can do it.
5)I still canm't stay in the moment, what is wrong with me?
->I'm still going through some really big struggles especially right now. I just lost 2 really close friendships, I am in a rut with the abuse, I'm not working and gave up some really big coping skills. I need to give myself a break here, what I've been dealing with is alot all at once and so of course I'm going to space out and its ok. Its ok to feel spacey and I'm working to overcome it on a daily basis and I will get there, I just need to accept where I am and what I have available to me and continue to work on myself the way I am right now and eventually I will overcome it, its impossible not to.
Mike
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NinjaFrodo
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