I want to die

[ab1982]

My husband got incarcerated and now I'm alone with my two girls. And I know what you're gonna say, that it'll pass and i'll be able to get through it. guess what, everyone is telling me that. why? 'cause there's nothing else to say. But to be truthful, I absolutely don't know how to live on my own. so there, i'm done.

[jess3270]

Try to stay positive. I know this seems impossible right now and I can't even imagine what you are going through and the pain you feel. I can only offer words of encouragement inthat you are not alone and you can do it! You can be a great parent! It will take time im sure, but you can do it! I believe you can!

[Fed_up123]

Have a family member or friend as a room mate or a new buddy ... Good luck but don't say you can't without trying :p

[leialoha3]

I just want you to know you can do this. You have them kids who need you and thats where your focus should be. Easier said than done when you feel like you do. But do your best to stay positve. I believe you can do this. God bless you and your family and be strong.

[ab1982]

thank you for your kind words. But I am so hopeless right now. I'm actually planning to kill myself. and the girls will be better off with their grandma. She'll take a good care of them. And me - I can't even take care of myself. I'm absolutely worthless. And my bipolar will never go away. it'll always be there. so why torment my kids? when i can just go away and leave them to a healthy and strong family member.

[bklynbee]

I read your post and my heart truly goes out to you. I dont have children but I know how you feel of truly wanting to die. I have been trying to pull myself out of a deep hole of depression myself these past few weeks and I know it is not easy. It takes everything in me to think positively and try to stay focused but I just take it day by day minute by minute and somehow I get through. I know in my heart things will get better I just have to stay positive and that is what you need to do as well. My brother has schizophrenia, he has had it since he was a teenager and he is now 42 years old. He has been hospitalized, been on all kinds of meds and not much seemed to help him. One day he decided to go to the roof of the building where my mother lives and jumped off. The building is 5 stories and luckily he landed in a bush otherwise he would not have survived. When the paramedics came to get him he was not my brother at all he was screaming at the top of his lungs that he was sir lancelot and just all kinds of things that didnt make sense. Unfortunately when he fell he broke his spine. He has had many surgeries and is now paralyzed from the waste down. I will tell you something though mentally he is more there now then he has ever been. He is in a nursing home where they really regulate his medication and he is one of the most sweetest intelligent people you will ever meet. He has never been married and has no children and is now paralyzed and he is ok with that. He looks back and wishes he had never did that but it is what it is and he went on with his life. Killing yourself is not the answer. Your children need you and always remember they will only have one mother in this lifetime and that is you! I can tell you when my brother did this to himself the guilt that me and my family felt was horrible. We all kept blaming ourselves and thinking about the times we were mean to him or werent there for him and just really torturing ourselves. Dont put your children and your family through that kind of pain. Your children will never get over something like that. It may not seem like it now but things will get better, you just have to take it day by day...it will be hard at first but as time goes on it will get easier. If you have friends and family try to get them to help you right now....I cant take care of myself at this point of time either so my fiance does a lot for me, but each day I try to get up and do at least one thing and i know as time goes on that 1 thing will turn into 2 things until one day i am just doing everything again. Please please please forget about killing yourself it may seem its the only way out but it is not. Take it from someone who has experienced the pain from someone trying to do this to themselves it is not worth it. Take care of yourself. I will check back here to see how you are doing.

[great lakes blue]

I agree with Bklynbee. Your daughters need you and will always wonder "why", If you go through with this. I am not a professional counselor, but have a wife who has, in the past, had suicidal thoughts. Her parents and brothers knew that she was planning to die, but would have been devastated if this would have happened. I'm not in your shoes, Ab, but I will be praying that you find health and fulfillment in your life, regardless of what is going on. I would talk to your doctor, and also a close friend. I've found that this forum is a great place to open up with what you are feeling. I hope things get better for you. Spring is just around the corner. Try to enjoy this in spite of your problems! I'll be checking back with you. Thanks for posting!

[ab1982]

thank you so much for your posts and support! i sat down with my journal and wrote down some things, my thoughts about the whole situation. i said to myself: i have to make a choice to either go through with this, and consider all the consequences or stop thinking this way once and for all. My mother-in-law is pretty much the only person I have and my girls have. But she herself is going through a very rough time right now. her husband died 6 months ago (cancer). Now her son (my husband) is in prison and her close friend, who's living with her, is very ill and has no one else but her to help him. So if I die she'd have to take care of the girls, make arrangements about me, figure out how to pack and move our stuff.... And I felt so so bad. I felt like a selfish jerk. Not to mention my kids' distress and grief. So I figured that even if I get depressed at times and maybe not the best mom I could be right now, I have to be there for them, for my mom-in-law and for my husband. And I opened up to my husband when he called, he told me that he's glad to hear my reasoning and that I wasn't in that frame of mind anymore, but he also wanted me to want to live for just myself. Just because I want to live and be happy. I answered him that I wasn't there yet, but I'm trying.
So, once again, thanks everyone for your support and for not judging me. It's so important to know that someone understands.

[Cheryl1]

So glad you are doing better. I am sorry you are going through all of this. I am glad you thought through all the consequences and realize that your girls and family need you and love you. I hope you and your mom-in-law can lean on each other for help and support and find comfort in each others company. You are struggling and need support, don't be afraid to reach out for help. Do it for yourself and your girls- do whatever it takes to make it through. You are worth it and your girls are worth it.

I, myself I have felt the same way at more than one time in my life. For me, what turns my thinking around pretty quickly is realizing that no matter how bad I think things are, it would be worse to leave others behind to deal with the pain and confusion of losing a loved one to suicide. My kids need a Mom , my husband needs a Wife, my friends and family need a Me, but not a perfect one. We are all human, we all have our struggles and we are all significant to God, though we can not be perfect and we will all fall short at times. It's okay.

Perhaps there is a local women's group in your area you could connect with for additional support. Also, if you have a primary care physician you are comfortable with, or access to a community medical center, they will be able to connect you with support resources so you don't have to go it alone. Stay in contact with your friends and if you find your friends are not supportive of you, try to make connections with new friends. Try not to isolate yourself or discount how you are feeling.

You are going through a very difficult and traumatic time. Please don't minimize how you feel or go it alone, you need and deserve to have support and always remember you are strong and can do it! Take care to care for yourself so you can feel well enough to care for your girls. I am sure that you are a wonderful wife and mother, we all tend to be more critical of ourselves than others are - remember all of us are imperfect and try not to be hard on yourself. Keep writing in your journal and be kind to yourself remembering to give yourself credit for the good stuff!!! I will keep you in my prayers.

Here is a link that may be of help to you:

Suicide Prevention Resource Center
http://www.sprc.org

[great lakes blue]

We'll keep rooting for you, Ab. Keep us posted on how you're doing. I think Cheryl has some great ideas. No fun to go through this alone! Take care.