Stress Center Peer Support

Yes, yes, do care for yourself. J, my heart aches for you; for B. Of course that was always the unbearable sorrow inside you. And you both worked so, so hard to overcome the illness. It is an illness, a very serious illness.

Don't know why I see a remote parallel to the sorrow (and sense of responsibility) I felt toward my brother. It is our strange childhood, no doubt. Your situation is, of course, so much worse. But we go on. We go on because we have responsibilities to others who count on us. We go on, xo, xo, xo.........t

Happy full moon Lady's. Seems to be my time of the month, I allways feel better. Sending some seeds and sprouts for the garden of springtime renewal for to share some good karma.

R

Dear Diary,
Long pause....longer still..........So diary, I just re-read Dr. K's newsletter from the month of April.
I save them in a secret folder hidden on my computer in case - well, just in case.

Diary, how honest am I willing to be with you? More honest then with anyone? OK, I'll do it. I'll write down my thoughts here, but then I'll never think about them again. Let's shake on it.

I know why I married this man. I mean, after reading all of Dr. K's words over the years I would have to be buried under a huge boulder not to understand.

I married both my mother, a hideously cruel person who pretended to the world she was not. She pretended she was a loving mother. And the thing is, people believed her and nobody believed me. Even with my bruises and bandages. Even with the hospital visits. Even with the car accidents. Even with her having sex in front of me with strange men in strange hotel rooms. Even when I told psychiatrists and psychologists. They all believed my mother. Because she was wrapped in a fur coat and carried an expensive handbag and made innocuous thrreats. And because she was married to an important man. And of course, she drove a very expensive car. One that was easily replaced every time she totaled it. God. Dear Mother Mary. My mother beat me ever day. My little brother couldn't help and my older brother didn't bother. But he knew.

I married my father too. Choo choo Charlie was a friend you say....(the song from Good n Plenty, Diary)

Somehow, I married my father. I'm crying now.

Neither of them loved me, but I'm not whining. It's just true. My mother loved me until ...... long pause.....until she didn't, anymore. My father never loved me.

So, those are just the facts.

Nothing to do about it but be willing to look the facts straight in the eye.

There they are. The cold hard facts.

I married my parents. I'm working 6 to 7 days a week because I'm building my self esteem from the ground up but......searching again-(you are my diary after all) am I working so hard so that I can avoid facing my personal life?

OF COURSE I AM.

When will I have the courage to admit that I want to have true love and finally know what it feels like?

When will I have the courage to admit that I'm afraid of/detest intimacy?

Will I have the courage to fly the nest? Solo? Am I Hope, the Eagle that practices and practices flying from branch to branch? The eagle that is the first to take the next step? Or am I Honor, the eagle that follows Hope? Honor is more cautious. Honor stayed in her nest until she could see Hope succeed.

Which Eaglet am I? Hope or Honor?

Or am I the spectator, Diary? Please don't let me be the spectator, Diary.

I'm so afraid to go it alone, so I hold on to both of my parents. My DH.

No matter how much I accomplish, I'm still avoiding the giant elephant in the room.

I'm not an Eagle at all. I'm a chicken.

Love,
Me.

PS
I don't even listen to love songs on Pandora. How SAD sad is that. I want to be able to listen to a love song and not feel empty inside. Am I bad, Diary? Just tell me. Am I bad for wanting this?

For My Eaglets, Hope and Honor, but mostly for me. (and for Lizzie-my subconscious friend)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crTc1V34m8g

Poetry
By
Mary Oliver

The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice--
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.


But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do--
determined to save
the only life you could save.

Nature and nurture drive us crazy.
Emotions drive us crazy.
Our human traits drive us crazy.

But we have our brain, our fabulous brain which can set us free so we can save our own life. I remember when Lizzie first appeared and I knew almost right away it was you. Did not bother me.

Dr. K is necessary because he remains Freudian. What the heck I did not want to be born, never wanted to live, was a burden from the outset. OK, your mother was.........There was serious damage. But then there is CBT that I learned about when R brought us here. Am always grateful. I turn to it every single day. Practice all aspects of it and manage to go on. My terror is how to end it if I lose my marbles or mobility or bodily functions. Every day I appeal to my brain to come up with a solution. And, J, your excellent brain is your rescue too. This may be of no use, but I'll always try.

Alright Tina. I'll finally look into this CBT stuff you guys have been talking about. I'll do it tonight when I'm home from work, or as soon as I get a chance. I want to click on the button above that says "test yourself" but I'll need some time alone in order to "test myself."

I'll let you know how it goes. I wonder if I'm supposed to do "the program" first before I "test myself?"

Typical me--trying to get to the finish line without having run the race.

I'm still going to "test myself."

J, you may like this: I never even noticed the Test Yourself. You are so much smarter and so much more accomplished. CBT is not necessarily for everyone. You can probably look it up and learn that way too, if it appeals to you. I have the book here and others and must keep at it consistently.

Key for me is that positive self-talk, easy exercise, journaling, meditation. I meditate regularly twice a day where I make up my own mantras. Above all, I want to rely on myself, be at peace, be in control. Don't be stressed, take it slowly, be patient and gentle with yourself. Changing thinking builds on itself but takes time. Hope you had a good day at work and are feeling well, xo, xo.......t

what has happened to everyone on this post? I enjoyed reading this so much. I never really wrote on this but should have. I miss everyone and hope everyone is okay. please come back and post more.

How nice of you to notice. My assumption is the others are doing good and are well and happy. I miss them but if all is well with them, I'm happy for them.

I have to keep hanging around because I tend to be on shaky ground and find I must keep at it to stay strong. Always grateful for the site. Hope all is well with you.

Happy Monday all. It has been awile. The full moon has passed two times, that tells me things are going to fast and that I have neglected to keep up. Tina so glad to see you posting as I was worried with the city on fire. I see J is busy and adoring her new gran baby. As for me my life as I new it is gone. The running and keeping up attempting to keep ma at her home has been maybe more than I ever thought. It has given me a new outlook at just how vulnerable we as people are in this world of reality that keeps chewing away at things. Welcome forever young 06, I wish you well and keep that attitude because time does so well seem to take it,s toll. I will post more this evening with some detail. I will say that the biggest challange for me is staying positive. Anyway all have a great day. I suspect our J will add as she did post a full moon pic to be seen.
Later and be safe while having some fun Ladies.

R