Stress Center Peer Support

Karen and Hope -

I actually have a weekly pill container for my daily anxiety medications. The trouble is, I have a hard time getting myself to fill it once it's empty. I suspect I'll run into the same problem with the vitamins if I get another pill container for them.

It's actually kind of funny why I have a pill container in the first place. I definitely have mild OCD. My symptoms primarily are focused around checking, particularly making sure locks are locked and that appliances are off. Fortunately, it's not so severe that I spend much more than a total of maybe ten minutes doing my checking.

However, my OCD does creep in to other areas of my life as well. One of the problems I'll run into is that I'll take my anxiety medications and then a few minutes later I won't be 100% sure I've taken them. I might be 99% sure, but there's a 1% doubt that I didn't and that perhaps I just think I took them or maybe am remembering taking them the night before instead. So I got the pill box as a way to confirm to myself that I did in fact take my meds each evening. But like I said earlier, I tend to let the pill box run out and then not refill it. So much for a plan to defeat my obsessive thinking!

Jamie

I did have a success of sorts this evening. I decided to go for a night time bike ride as sunset is getting so early these days. I borrowed my partners bike light and headed out. About halfway the way home I got a flat tire. I don't carry anything with me to fix it, so I was stuck about three miles from home. Furthermore, I was on a part of the trail where I had to go about three quarters of a mile in either direction to get to a place where my partner could pick me up.

At first I started to panic. But I was able to calm myself down and picked a direction and started walking. I ended up going away from home because I thought I could reach an area where I could be picked up a little faster that direction. While I was frustrated that my ride didn't go so well, I was pleased with how I handled things. Thank goodness for cell phones! By the way, walking in bike shoes with cleats really sucks! :p

Jamie

in response to mcshope;

Yeah thats what i heard to with the fruit. It is suppose to get the enzymes going before you consume a meal making digestion easier. Food combinations I heard were more about making complete protein but i don't remember all of them. Sounds like that combination thing actually worked for you, thats pretty good! I think i can understand not eatting the meat with the pasta. Pasta is quick energy and protein in meat is not. Adding protein can make you digest the whole meal slower and if you don't use that quick energy it turns to fat. Maybe somehow it affects that, i dunno.

It made you feel like you had a urinary tract infection? Really? That doesn't sound like a good feeling and I think I might understand somewhat of what that means. Perhaps like a burning sensation.

Wow you did pretty good with switching yourself off coffee. I think i've had that coffee sub before once, it was alright. I mostly drink water and tea and protein smoothes.

Also a great idea to watch something while on the tredmill. It actually creates that feeling of joy while you are on the tredmill. After awhile it could become a joyous thing even without watching DS9 if you had to.


In response to THH;

You are hard on yourself too? I wouldn't have guessed that based on your posts. You seem like you are very much together.

Wow that is pretty big! I never really had a quick acting anti-anxiety pill so I never did have that experience but I can see how that would be really helpful and put things into perspective. Lol still digesting it...was that an intended pun?

So you count your blessings when you wake up...thats pretty good too. I have found in the past it can take me out of feeling anxious myself and it sounds like it does that for you too. I may just do that when I wake up myself too.

Thank you for the condolences. It seems to be a common response to my concern so it sounds like it is right!

Oh boy that is alot of things within 6 years! Did you want a list? Ok;

Well I quit a job i didn't like and got into a better job. I took a risk and went to collage for something I wanted to do. I stopped smoking and limited my sugar intake, I lowered my expectations, I decreased the times I over reacted, I felt comfortable talking to others about my anxiety and depression, I have accepted myself as being gay but am still working on doing those things I stopped doing, I confronted the person who sexually abused me, I became assertive and feel more confident handling conflict and I doing avoid it as much, it gave me hope, I was having severe digestion to the point where i felt nauseous after consuming anything but chocolate milk and it got rid of that, it helped with my self-esteem, it helped me try new things and not beat myself up as much, it helped to stop pushing myself to reduculous levels of activity and to allow myself to relax, its helped me not freak out when I get to sleep later then I wanted to, it has also kept me from panicking and help with facing limitations. Thats a few things anyways and I still have some ways to go. I was thinking i might get my first spiral notepad (I think i have at least 10 of them by now) and give you guys an example of how i was thinking back then.


Cool about the pet Idol, i hope you win and if they said something like honorable mention that sounds like it could be a win!


Mike

Oh hey JJ,

Did you just recently stop using those things?

It sounds like you are doing very well, thats great!


Searunner;

Sounds like life just sent you a really good practice opportunity, you realized it and handled it very well. Congrats on being able to see the accomplishment instead of dwell on what went wrong.


Mike

My goals today are acceptance, putting effort towards my skills and interupting negative habits. As long as I follow these goals, I will end up becoming that person I want to be and have that life I desire, that will be inevitable and I don't need to worry about it. I spend my time nourishing my mind and body with positive productive things.

Tuesday;

Practice opportunity
I had put my clothing in the dryer last night and well I was going to head for the gym to do my hip-hop and I checked the dryer and the clothing was still damp. I wasn't really happy and I thought i'd have to miss out on going to do hip-hop. I was deciding that it might be better that I don't go but I just put my clothing on for another cycle and I was preping food and decided actually to go do the hip-hop because I do enjoy it. I went back after a bit and took some clothing out that I was going to use today and let the rest continue to dry in the dryer. Well when I left I had left pretty late and when I looked at my watch it said I only had 30 minutes to get to the gym and well it was impossible to walk there in 30 minutes so I let myself take the TTC which is big because I get afraid of spending money but i told myself I wouldn't go poor over spending $3.

I got there a bit late but not too much and it was in the beginning of warming up so it wasn't too bad. I was still anxious though because I rushed and I decided to go in the front of the room which I usually go to. We were learning the routine and I was having such a hard time getting it. My negative thoughts were getting in the way and making it hard for me to concentrate. I kept thinking that I should be looking cool when doing the routine but I wasn't and kept dwelling on how I wasn't and getting ashamed and embarassed. I also thought the instructor was thinking negative thoughts and judging me. I was putting myself down saying my hair looked stupid and i had a dumb expression on my face. I did notice that this was negative and irrational thinking and I was starting to interupt it but it was so hard because I couldn't put alot of attention to that when I was trying to get the routine down. I did do some deep breathing when I had a chance and it slightly helped i mean I could notice a very slight diffrence in my lightheaded and bewilderment. I also wasn't beating myself up as much which was pretty good.

I had talked to my instructor after and said I was really struggling and he asked what happened and I told him about how I kept saying I'm not looking cool while doing it. He said I can't do that and not to compare myself to him or anybody else. He also talked about a dancer from So You Think You Can Dance..it was Benjie who is a choreographer for the show now and said he makes it look so great because he is really enjoying himself. So he suggested that I enjoy myself. I then decided that my goals for that hip-hop session were definately too high and so just enjoying myself is what i'm going to aim for now.

Relaxation cd
Nothing spectacular to report about it today. I am alot better at focusing on the session than I was when I first started this cycle through the program.

Thought replacement
1)I shouldn't be as angry as I got the other day. I shouldn't have dwelled on it like that.
[should]
->I am working towards the goal of being less affected and there will be many times along that journey were I respond in that habitual way. Its ok, thats just how it works. I was dwelling but not as much as I had in the past and I was interupting the thoughts more too. I'm making alot of progress with my anger.

2)I shouldn't have let Mark upset me like that. I should be more calm.
[Should]
->Again it is a habit to over react in situations like that and I hadn't felt comfortable expressing my anger. I let myself express it more and that will help me get to the point where I can be assertive. Its a process. I'm learning that its ok to express anger and so I may go too far sometimes bu it'll balance itself out.

3)I should've gotten to sleep earlier, I won't recover.
[Should, All-or-Nothing]
->Recovery isn't based on my sleep I get at one specific day. I move closer with my goal of becoming who I want to be. I have many opportunities to get good sleep and it is a habit I'm working to change so there will be many times I follow the old habit but my desire to have the best life will not go away.

4)Nothing is changing, I'm still back at square one with my progress.
[Mental filter, emotional reasoning]
->I can never go back to square one, I've gotten too many insights and I've made too much progress to be at square 1. I am feeling discouraged but it doesn't mean that I'm not progressing, i'm just discouraged with my sleep goal.

5)I should look cool but I don't, I'm so horrible.
[Should, Label]
->Ok so I don't look cool, so what. My goal is to enjoy myself, this isn't an audition for so you think you can dance canada. I'm overwhelmed and thats what happens when I make my goals too big. The coolness factor will come later all I have to do is enjoy myself, I don't even have to do very well for that. Who cares if I look silly. Silly can be fun.

6)My hair looks so stupid and I have such a dumb facial expression.
[Mental filter, magnification, should]
->I look huan. I wish to look more confident and cheerful and I'm working on feeling more confident and cheeful and I am confident and cheerful but not as much as I'd like. Its ok not to look confident and cheerful thats just apart of being human. I can't always look confident and cheerful. Thats not realistic. There is going to be many times where I don't look positive at all but thats ok. I'm working on increasing the time I spend feeling positive. I'm doing very well on it too.

7)The instructor is judging me and thinking I look stupid.
[Mind reading]
->I told the instructor my struggles with not looking cool and he said I can't compare myself to him or anybody else. He is always encouraging to people in class and saying not to worry about looking silly. He isn't as likely to be looking down on me. I'm certainly not the only person struggling right now. The person who is judging me when I'm worried about it is me, not anybody else. If I can overcome that then it won't matter if other people judge me.

8)I should've gotten the steps better.
[Should]
->There is nothing or nobody giving me that expectation but me. I was worrying about looking cool and what my instructor was thinking, I was also having a hard time with the routine and overwhelming myself so of course I didn't do as well as I wanted. I did so many things to hinder my progress. I deserve encouragement, not beating myself up. I did what I could, I tried to interupt the negative thoughts instead of dwelling, I admitted to feeling afraid of being silly and felt comfy enough to talk to my instructor about it. These are all great accomplishments and show I'm making great progress. I did well.

9)I should have been able to stop thinking those negative thoughts.
[Should, all-or-nothing]
->No, I really shouldn't have because I am not a master of it. What should have happened is either dwelling because its a habit or starting to intercept it and realize its irrational which is what I did. Its changing and starting to become second nature. I'm on the right track and doing what I need to overcome the negative thoughts. I get better each and everyday I replace thoughts weather on paper or just in my mind. It will become second nature.

Comment
I am really struggling when it comes to that friendship with the friend and the party thing. He has helped me alot when I wasn't living in toronto and he had me visit many weekends there, he also got me supplies when I was sick and has been there when i needed someone to talk to but he can be very disrespectful and inconsiderate. He tried to single me out when it came to his party, he has gotten angry at me many times because I wasn't able to be as excited about things he was excited about, he has gotten really angry when I was making dinner for him and I didn't do it perfect and I overcooked the rice and he was refusing to eat it because the texture was off. I also had this great evening planned the whole dinner and a movie thing, he refused to eat the food and didn't want to watch the movie. Also that situation with Evan where he had invited everybody else but me to his party...Mark was one of those people and they only saw each other the one time before that at my party and he said he was going to go and just disregarded how hurt I was by this person. I think this friendship is deteriorating and maybe its not a very healthy relationship but I am really sad to think about ending it. Maybe i need to talk to him about how disatisfied I am with the friendship and go from there. I think i'll wait until after his party. I don't know what do you guys think?


Mike

tuesday food;

veggie burger in a pita bread with some tangy sauce and some lettuce, tea

Half a chicken burger in pita bread with same sauce and lettuce, half a container of protein smoothe with banana and diffrent vega protein powder and soy protein powder

Other half of chicken burger and protein powder

Chicken Shwarma

A bunch of 5 cent candies :S

Chicken Dumplings

Drank at least 1.5L of water


Mike

The more I read these posts, the more I realized what a blessing it is to have you all in my life. Your words encourage me and there is no day that I do not learn something valuable.

THH,

It was inspiring to read about your progress with the program. I also use xanax, I keep it in my purse, just in case. I agree with you that Lucinda’s program has a way to integrate all of the different components needed for recovery.

My parents live in Mexico, I don’t get to see them too often, maybe once a year. They both are in good health and are very independent, however it is always difficult to think of how to take care of them if I am here. It is a good thing that you can take care of your parents.

Jamie,

You are so right when you say that we can’t do anything about our past, we just can used it as a guide. I can definitely relate to that.

I also have OCD traits, the checking of the appliances and locks is one of my things too.

Good job on your bike ride.

Mike,
I am sorry to hear about your Great Aunt. It is understandable to feel sad, as well as not crying.

I used to dance and I completely understand the frustration when you can’t get the routine. I remember that the more conscious I was about my mistakes, the more difficult it was to get the routine. I would have to stop and make a huge effort to focus on the steps, and forget about everything else.

By your conversation with your friend I gather that he also felt bad. It seems like was worried about his mental plan for the party and he did not take into consideration your feelings. I have known “insensitive people”, sometimes you just have to accept that it is nothing against you, that what they do is motivated by their own “demons”. With people who act in a selfish way you have to not take it personal. You don’t have to decide right now if you want to remain friends with him or not. Give it time, he has cared for you in some occasions.

Karen,

I hope you are feeling better.

+++++++++

I have to go grocery shopping today, I have to go to the bank and the pharmacy. I will try to drive arround for a while. The leaves are changing, maybe I will take some pictures to send to my parents.
Have a wonderful day.

I am on the road to recovery. There may be speed bumps, wrong turns, and I may even get lost, but I am moving in the right direction. I am in control of my life and thoughts. I am the one who creates my own anxiety and I can stop it also.

Busy day yesterday......Imiss one day and I fall pages behind lol
My counselor came over yesterday......all is good...she also thinks I have a right to be mad and maybe I can stop the Alanon meetings....she wanted me to go at first because I blamed myself for his drinking...after about 3 months of going I did learn alot and now I see he is the one with the problem, not me......

she suggested I look into some other groups or social organizations or something because I really dont get out to interact with people, which just gives me alot of time alone to just think and dwell on the past......I agree, so I am going to look into single parent groups, or other things....maybe even see if they need some help at my daughter's school......I was always a social person, so this being alone is rough for me....

had to take my 15yo daughter to doctor yesterday to start her on birth control....we have a very open relationship.....she has not had sex, but she has been with her bf for over 6 months, so I am getting a bit worried.....she asked me to take her, but she wanted to go because she has very bad periods....so, of course I am freaking out a lil bit over my daughter lol.......but I remember all too well how I was at 15.......I met my ex at 15 and ended up marrying him and having 2 kids....I try to be open with my kids, but God, they grow up so fast.....

anyways, the doctor is right down the street...I drove her there and we waited in the waiting room for about 40 minutes...it was crowded and warm....I wanted to run the whole time, but didnt....my daughter wanted to do in to talk to the doctor alone......so when she went in I went outside and just drove around....I was very anxious then, and actually felt kinda "unreal"....the breathing and positive talk must have helped though, because I didnt get any worse than that.....my daughter called when she was done and I picked her up......so all went well....

spent the evening with the kids then made meatballs and froze a bunch for future meals...I dont like to cook, but I am ok at it, lol...

as soon as Im done posting I will work out....still not doing too well with the candy.....but it doesnt help that I have a bag of hershey kiesses here lol....and I tell myself "it's dark chocolate, it's good for you" lol.


Mike

first of all, I am sorry about your aunt.....
thanks for your support regarding the Alanon meeting, anger, and forgiveness...you really help me to see things in a different light....you are such a positive support person thank you!!

I cant believe your list of everything you have accomplished......heck, most of that would be difficult for a person without anxiety....you have really come a long way.....and to be perfectly honest with you Mike, I can see a change in you just since I have been on here.....yes, you still struggle, but I think thats just because you want to be better and you still expect alot from yourself.....but you actually look at alot of things very realistically, which is great!!
you really are moving in the right direction


Jamie

thanks for the support
as for why I call my ex...I think there are a few reasons I still contact him, all of which are not good for me....first, I want to know he's still there and still wants me (I guess to somehow prove I am worth it)....but at the same time I want to hurt him...I know I wont get back with him, so I kinda lead him on, then turn my back on him...this is kind of a revenge thing I have going on......I have become such an angry person since I have known him....and also, I know that talking to him pulls me back into my dark hole of anxiety and depression...I guess that I am just fighting and fearing the change, so it is almost like a punishment to myslef.......that I need to stay miserable, maybe because it is comfprtable to me....
I am aware of these and have been trying to work on them......I am actually alot better about them than I was a few months back, believe it or not lol

you really have some great advice for Mike

and I can completely relate to the OCD part about not being "for sure" if I took my meds.....even 2 minutes later lol.......I keep my vitamins and my meds all in the same container...it only takes 5 minutes to get it ready for the week but it saves me so much time during the week and gets rid of that second-guessing whether I took something or not....

your bike ride was excellent!! not the any kind of flat is ever good lol....but you handled that amazing!!! with all the negative possibilities, you accepted the situation for what it was and got through it!!!congrats!!!!


THH
thank you also for the support with the Alanon meeting.....and you are right, he is a jerk with or without alcohol lol
it's funny because it always seems like I can somehow relate to your posts....like your a few steps ahead of me....it's so great to read about your positive dialogue, your realizations, and your positive steps forward....you put things back in perspective for me....and I know it will be ok

awwwww...congrats on the pet contest!!!


Hope

I also can relate to physical appearance being a means to self-worth.....I was always thin growing up...then with each pregnancy both of my ex's would get on me about weight.....they made me feel like I was an embarrassment to them....and then even when I lost the weight, I still thought I wasnt physically "good enough"....the last 12yrs I have struggled with my weight (since I have been taking the paxil)...Im about 20#s more than I want to be......and it's so hard to except yourself once you have been conditioned not too....
but now, I can actually say I am exercising for my health and I actually want to look better for me, no-one else
I know that exercising can be so difficult to start, but I really do feel better once I get settled into a routine......

omg, I wasnt even thinking about the caffeine in the chocolate lol......that even explains more about the on edge feelings......

thanks for the Alanon support also its good to hear that a "normal" person would respond and feel the same way I did I so often make myself believe that my actions and reactions are not right.....that this is only what a crazy person would do.....

and thanks for the "Im not going to get a sinus infection"......I have been doing my netty pot twice a day and taking some motrin....still feeling a bit stuff, congested, and under the weather, but I am definitely not laid up sick in bed and Im not panicking that I will get sick either

I am going to have to increase my water and fruits and veggies, like you and Mike talk about.....maybe that will help me...

I csnt leave the house with saking sure I have some clonopin lol


JJ

I actually did cut out my sweets a while back and you are right, that the cravings do decrease....and I also feel good after exercise, sometimes not immediatelly....but I can definitely tell if I miss a work-out...

Hi Karen,

I am sure you will find some group where you can get the support you need.

Your daughter is 15... great thinking about the birth control, better safe than sorry... While working at the clinic, I got to see a lot of young girls getting pregnant. And with a child, life is just more difficult. In this day and age, I just can't understand how kids don't use some kind of protection. Not only from pregnancy, but also for STDs.

I must be about 60 lb over, the worst part is that I have never been on this weight before. So I regret all those years feeling bad about my weight, when I should enjoy it.

Enjoy your work out, I have to go to the bank, and pharmacy. Talk to you later.

In response to mcshope;

Awe that is so sweet and I feel the same way. I'm not actually sure I could be as motivated or be making the progress I am if it wasn't for everybody.

Thank you for the condolences.

I feel the same way with the dance and I had realized during all this negativity that I do need to just stop and just focus on the steps and forget everything else but I couldn't seem to overcome it. It is however starting to happen as some of my first thoughts after getting into a negative spiral are to use my skills so i'm improving.

You're right he was doing this from his idea of fairness and perfection is also playing a part in it. It is one of his demons. I would try to be assertive with him but he would keep trying to justify his actions but I think I might have also done the whole blaming thing and not listening to what he had to say. This problem kept me up really late at night because I was feeling very hurt and sad about how negative the friendship is and how I might have to let him go. I did however get over it on paper and I have figured out 2 more affirmations to add to one of my affirmation scripts.


In response to THH;

Ya that tends to happen, falling pages behind I mean.

It definately sounds like you got what you needed from those meetings when you say you now see he is the one with the problem and not you. Sounds like its time to move on.

I was also very social and outgoing before I had this condition so I can relate very well with it being very rough to be alone. I would constantly want to be social, get very upset at myself and feel very jealous of those people who can do it so easily. I also beat myself up alot over it and beat myself up for not being myself and acting the way that I wanted to act. I would even criticize how I looked, I would tell myself I look stupid and tell myself I wasn't good enough for anybody else. Was it somewhat like that for you as well?

Good for staying in the waiting room despite the feeling that you need to run! You got through it and you survived and you felt that unreal feeling but didn't let it freak you out. Great job! I have that unreal feeling every moment of the day, it fluctuates so I can understand how hard it is not to freak out with it.

Take your time with the sweets. Maybe working on drinking more water would be an easier goal to attain. We tend to crave sweets when we need more water in our system. That'll help to at least reduce the frequency of the cravings and make it easier to cut them out.

Your welcome for the support. I really do try my best to help other people out and I am just really fortunate that you trust me and are open to hearing what I have to say.

Lol well that was over a 6 year period but thank you. I really don't think there are people without anxiety but I think I understand if you are meaning those people who's lives aren't controlled by that anxiety.

Thank you, I do very much like hearing that others have noticed changes in myself. You're right I still struggle alot and tend to expect alot from myself but am definately taking the realistic route more often now.


Mike