Stress Center Peer Support

I am on the road to recovery. There will be obstacles which I will deal with as they arise. I am moving in the right direction. I must feel the discomfort and see that it will not hurt me. Life is good.

What a day today....raked and mulched the leaves in the back and front yard and then worked-out...a lil bit sore, but in a good exercising kind of way...very proud of myself that Im getting back on track.....

did not buy any chocolate so tomorrow I will try to get off the sweets.....

did some driving this evening and listened to my driving cd...went well


Mike

Im wondering if you are putting to much emphasis on digestion.....not everyone moves their bowels every day and that is perfectly normal....taking laxatives on regulkar basis can causes a "dependency", which means your body gets "used" to them and relies on them to function normally...alot of the fad diet and drinks are not healthy for you, as they do not meet the nutional values needed by your body......your best bet is to increase your fruits and veggies and maybe taking metamucil (bulk psyllium fiber) on an as needed basis...

Im not sure you will ever get your body to work as you want..and seeing that this causes you so much anxiety is not good because you probably wont achieve that.....you need to try to accept that your body will take care of itself and just try to do healthy things that are good for you....

it seems like this may actually be an OCD issue for you....please dont be offended by what I have said....just trying to help a bit from a medical stand point....


THH

busy is a good thing
hope you had a great day!!
love the song


hope everyone has a nice week-end!

THH;

Thank you for the video post the words definately correlated to this weeks lesson.

Karen L;

I do understand that you are a nurse and have medical trainning and I really hope I am not being condesending with my response. I do not know what your training consisted of when it comes to digestive problems, bowel movements and such but it seems like our training may have been diffrent. Part of my training as a shiatsu therapist was to learn Pathology in both a western and eastern stance. We have actually had whole classes dedicated to stool. From an eastern perspective I was taught how to diagnose using questions an there were a whole slue of questions just involving stool itself. In the western science classes we were taught about the anatomical, physiological and pathologies involving the digestive system. From what I was taught the intestines are not ment to hold or store fecal matter and if we are eatting a whole day's worth of food everyday but only having 1 bowel movement in 2 days then we are storing alot of stool. The longer your stool sits there the more fluid is absorbed as well as reabsorbtion of toxins and if that happens your body's balance between taking in toxins and eliminating them is affected. Our body's become more prone to cancer at that point which was a huge scare when I learned that because I was only going about every 3 or 4 days and it was coming out all dry. The longer stool stays in there the harder it is to pass and the less consistency. I've actually had many times where it has gotten so bad that I hard sharp stabbing pains as if someone was stabbing me in the abdomen over and over and over again. If I have missed a bowel movement on day it leaves this really nasty heavy feeling in my intestines and it actually makes me feel nauseuous.

I do agree that fruits and veggies are very important as well as metamucil depending on what kind of constipation you are talking about. I get alot of fruit and veggies in my diet already as it is though. Water is pobabbly the most important. I also agree that taking laxatives on a regular basis can cause dependency but if you have had constipation problems for 15 years and can't normally go, then you need something. I am afraid of falling back into that. I am retraining my instines right now and I am actually using the laxatives not everyday but every other day as I'm giving it a day to work on its own so it isn't as bad.

I also agree that I am putting too much worry into this condition and well worry is one of the causes of constipation itself. I am slowly doing healthy things. I actally just added some of that bran stuff they were talking about in lesson 5 and start off my day drinking tea and water before I consume anything.



Mike

My ideas, opinions, feelings and needs matter. I deserve respect and I deserve to stand up for myself. When I'm assertive it doesn't matter how the other person responds because I am doing it for myself and not for them. No matter wht response I get, I will continue to stick to my guns.

Friday;

I woke up later than I wanted to but of course I also had went to bed later but I was calm about that. I wasn't as anxious and stressed over that.

I did the gym thing and I decided I'm going to break my routines down into single muscle group sessions plus abs along with cardio and stretching. I did the 20minutes of cardio and was able to run for longer and I felt happier after that. I worked out just my triceps and lower abs and didn't feel overwhelmed at all. I think it might be better not to get to that overwhelming point but to go just under that.

Also went to the movies and planned to go with a friend. I got there and was waiting and he wasn't there. I got the ticket for the movie and went into the theatre and he still wasn't there. I sent him a couple messages via text and voicemail but I wasn't upset that he wasn't there. I thought thats fine I can watch the movie on my own, it would be him missing out not me. He did end up coming and it was late but that didn't bother me. Before something like that would have made me really angry and resentful and I probabbly would have guilt trip him.

I was hanging out with the friend after the movie and we were talking for quite some time and I wasn't keeping track of that time but when I realized what time it was I didn't freak out or feel rushed. I just accepted it and went with it. I'm allowed to have these days and the worst that can happen is I feel uncomfortable the next day.

Also one thing I forgot to mention yestaurday is that I made a really stupid mistake. One of my friends knows this other guy and the other guy doesn't like him because of certain personality traits. My friend didn't know for sure why this person didn't like him but he had a good idea and I had talked to the other guy. I said we had another facebook friend in common and then he told me how he didn't like him. I don't know why but I felt like I needed to confirm the other friend's suspicions and well it came back to that friend. He was originally invited to an event but then the invitation was taken away and he confronted me in a considerate way and I felt bad. I decided to be assertive with the friend I confirmed the information with and he had got really upset and vented to another friend and that lead to the situation. I commented on how I like how our friendship is and then said but there is somehting i'm feeling bad about that I need to talk about and I did and he had told me he was upset and venting and so I accepted that and just felt bad for even being assertive with him because it was mainly my fault. I thought he would have hated me because I tried to blame him or at least thats what it would have looked like. He didn't end up doing that though.

Goals
Focused on Greatful things
Laughed at least once today
Socialized
Thought replacement
Cardio
worked out at the gym
Didn't make a big deal out of not getting to bed on time
watched childrens programing
Did lesson 7 in the workbook
Relaxation in the am

I am on the road to recovery. There will be obstacles which I will deal with as they arise. I am moving in the right direction. I must feel the discomfort and see that it will not hurt me.

not having too good of a day here....my 15yo daughter plays in the school band and needed to be picked up today...there was no-one to pick her up so I needed to try to get her......the school is only about 2 miles away, but right in the city thare is alot of traffic and traffic lights to make it there...I started driving and was able to make it about 3/4 of the way.....I began to panic and pulled over trying to calm myself.....I was able to a bit...and started driving again, only to begin with the unreal, bewilderment feelings...I pulled over again, but just couldnt do it so I trned around and started going home...I pulled over a few times, and just felt a bit confused...anyways this whole process took about 30 minutes....by then my daughter and her 2 friends were almost home...now my daughter is not talking to me and Im having a hard time with the positive talk since I feel like a failure...I think the thing that was really bothering was the fear of panicking in front of her friends....


Mike

just wanted to thank you for not taking my suggestions personally.....I did not know you had that much education in the digestive tract...I know that different cultures do have different treatments and believes.....the medical background in my just stood up and wanted to let you know what I have been taught lol.....if you found something that works for you then thats great....I was just sensing alot of anxiety in that area for you....

Friday thought replacement

1)I know the jist of what I want to say to my sister and I should just get it over and done with so I can move on.
[Should]
(Semantics)
->I'd like to get it over and done with right now but everytime I talk to her I become mentally paralyzed and don't get the words out that I want. I would have alot more success by practicing what I want to say out loud as well as practicing assertiveness with other more easier situations.

2)I'm still constipated and I'm going to become really exhausted again and I won't be able to do anything.
[All-or-Nothing]
(Shades of Gray)
->Even when I get exhausted I can still do some things and if I'm going to return to regularity then I'm going to have to deal with a few exhausted days and not make such a big deal out of it.

3)I'm never going to return to regularity and I'll just end up exhausted forever.
[Overgeneralization]
(Examine evidence)
->I have gotten regularity before and kept it going for quite a long time. There are laxative herbs I can use to help, decreasing the stress response will increase all organ function and the body also does everything it can to return to normal functioning.

4)They're making such a big deal about their shadows on this kid's program, thats just stupid.
[Label]
(Define terms)
->Stupid is when we know something is hurtful or more destructive than constructive but we do it anyways. Having fun is not hurtful or destructive (at least not in this situation) and it creates joy, excitement, love and connection between people. It would be more smart then stupid.

5)I shouldn't have been assertive with my friend because I was in the wrong.
[Should, magnification]
(Examine evidence)
->I didn't know what had happened until I got his side of the story, humans make errors especially when learning new things, I was assertive so I should have been assertive because it happened the way it did.

6)He must think I'm stupid or be made because I tried to blame him for the situation.
[Mind-reading]
(Examine evidence)
->I stated how I felt and did not say you did this or that, he didn't give me negative feedback, criticism or even show anger towards me, I've talked to him a few hours later and he didn't bring it up and we had a few laughs., someone else's thoughts don't afect me until verbalized or acted upon.

7)I'm getting dizzy again, I'm losing it, I'm losing control and I'm starting to go crazy.
[Magnification]
(examine evidence)
->I am getting dizzy, fast heart rate, bewildered and spacy, very uncomfortable and a feeling that I need to run. These are feelings of overwhelm and overwhelm is a sign that I'm making something too big. Symptoms of crazy or insane include aggression, thoughts of conspiracy, hallucinations and delusions all of which I don't have.


Mike

Karen L;

That is a very unfortunate situation you had to deal with. Unfortunately life does hand us situations in which we have to face our limitations and it can make things every harder to do. These were your limitations and so you should have responded the way you did. Also keep in mind that you did try and you made it 3/4 of the way there, you didn't do this deliberately to hurt her and you don't have this condition just to make people angry and just because someone responds to you negatively doesn't mean you deserve it. The condition is very frustrating for everybody involved and people who's lives aren't on halt have too high of expectations as well. This wasn't a full accomplishment but 3/4's of one.

It does not sound like she took into consideration how you were feeling or that you did try or perhaps her immediate response was anger and she may not have been able to look past that. I don't know if you had already tried to talk to her about it or not so I don't know if she knows how you feel. This however is a very good opportunity to be assertive. Give some space for her at least for today and come up with a way to approach her later on when she isn't all fumed. If you want we can come up with one together.

Yes I know you were trying to help and I actually did take your suggestions personally and I felt like I had to make it right and I wasn't being understood. I did not post a response in that moment because I knew I was thinking irrationally. I did think before I acted and I tried to put together a more considerate posting and I did not want to come off as completely ignorant or arrogant. You had some valid points and I made it a point to focus on those instead of being irrational and completely dismissing what you had to say. I do have alot of anxiety around that area as you might have noticed earlier in the program when I was just feeling exhausted and didn't do much of anything but stay at home, that was actually one of those times and your right that stressing myself more over it is not helpful.

I know I have helped you out alot and you do like returning the favor and actually I feel as if I've made you feel bad with my post, possibly made you feel like what you had to say didn't matter or that you didn't matter. I feel I have gave that impression and well we're all still working on being assertive and so I'm still struggling alot with this one. So what I need from you is some input on the situation, how it made you feel with that response.


Mike

My ideas, opinions, feelings and needs matter. I deserve respect and I deserve to stand up for myself. When I'm assertive it doesn't matter how the other person responds because I am doing it for myself and not for them. No matter what response I get, I will continue to stick to my guns.

Sataurday dream.

Ok this is getting a little wierd now. I had another dream with similar things in it yet again. In the beginning I was sitting at a table in like a restaurant or something with my sister and a friend of mine who was wearing sunglasses on his head. My sister made it a point to complain and make fun of him for wearing sunglasses at night and I was assertive with my sister and I said that seems to really bother you doesn't it? (Its strange because in my dreams I'm becoming more and more assertive with her) Then we were at this party with a bunch of people (myself, my sister, some hot guy and other people) and I was in this room with the hot guy and my drunken sister. She was really out of it and was coming onto me and I was rejecting her (very bizaare) and then I think I went to to bathroom and the toilet was so big it was like a pool! I came back and the hot guy and I were face to face and he really wanted me to try and build a brother-sister relationship with my sister and we were staring in each other's eyes and he asked me if I loved him and I said yes and I even felt it in the dream. Then again I went to use the toilet and came back and people were asked to leave the house and my sister was sitting down with a few other people and the hot guy was up and walking back and forth and his face was bright red and I new she had told him and the other people something bad about me, I suspected she told them why she thought I was cruel and I said Jen, We need to talk now! In an very strong tone of voice. She agreed but then got into the car with my grandfather and other family members and drove off. I ended up getting into a vehical with some old guy and I was sitting in the back and he was driving and I thought he was someone else but I didn't want to say anything because I needed a ride somewhere. I was in the back with a small laptop watching adult videos but the videos played old music from like the 60s or 70s so he didn't know what I was watching.


Mike

Lesson 7 workbook stuff that I wanted to mention

ok THH you said your first run through the program with the evaluation you scored an 89, looking through my workbook I actually scored a 101 the first time through. Both are crazy high but I was even less assertive according to the scores. This time around i'm down to a 75. Thats a pretty big diffrence so the program and everything else i've been doing must be helping.

The hardest ones for me to do from that evaluation are the following;

Start up conversation with a stranger in a strange place
Tell someone you don't like them
Return food when its unsatisfactory
Tell your boss when he or she isn't doing their job properly
Turn in a dishonest co-worker
Ask someone to put out their cigarette
Look someone in the eyes when criticizing them.

Being assertive means you value yourself as a person. It means your time and your emotional comfort are important to you. It means you respect yourself enough to fight for yourself.

This is important to me because I didn't think like this about myself. I did the opposite really and it didn't really help. I read this and just thinking about it in action I do feel stronger and it just feels right. I feel a little bit like what I'd imagine those action movie heroes feel like when they kick the crap out of the bad people and justice is served.


Now I also wanted to mention some of the assertive rights things i struggle with and maybe you guys can relate with me on some of them;

When someone close to you needs a favor, it is selfish of you to put your own needs first.
->I struggle alot with this beacuse I feel by me saying no, I am putting them into an impossible and hopeless situation and causing them pain. I know this is just personalization at work but still difficult.

If someone is complaining and being negative around you, you should listen and be compassionate. Let them cry on your shoulder
->I struggle alot with this because I know alot about self-help, anxiety and depression and I have been told many things that others have not shared with anybody and also that I was abel to understand these people more than anybody else so I feel obligated to listen.


List 2 present situations in your life where you feel you need to be more assertive;
1)When my friend asks me to massage his shoulders everytime I come around even when I really don't want to

2)Confronting my sister


How can you be more assertive in these situations?
1)I could say I know how you like me doing that for you but I really don't want to do it right now.

2)I could give her the opportunity to ovice her opinion of me by asking her to clarify about show she thiks I'm cruel and I can listen without judgement and then ask her if there is antyhing else about me that bothers her. I can also let her know how bad I felt everytime she put me down and made fun of what I was doing and how I carried that resentment for years.


What is the worst reaction that can happen from being assertive?
1)My friend could get upset and stop talking to me.

2)My sister could try making me feel bad and then end the conversation before I'm doine saying what I need to say.

I feel angry because of what you said

A rule to keep in mind instead of saying you made me feel angry.


My 5 sentence mantra to use before, during and after an encounter;
->My feelings, thoughts, needs and ideas are important
->I have the right to stand up for myself
->I choose how to respond to others
->Nobody is going to stop me from becoming the person I want to be
->No matter what happens I can feel good simply for doing it

Would you care to share the reason for that, "hur-umph?"

Another thing to keep in mind is that I can say something like this. Especially if someone tries to change the subject and throw something negative in my face.

Assertiveness is not about winning, but being heard

Something to keep in mind before an assertive situation because I may not win even if I go and be assertive, I could be the person in the wrong.

One of my goals that I'd really like to do is find a few statements that I hear this week and record my responses into a tape recorder and play them back and listen for defensiveness, aggressiveness, victim-voice and whining. I think this would be a really great thing to do. I was also thinking maybe also having Assertiveness practice opportunities together. Possibly we can share a statement and then we all come up with how we would respond to it. Maybe we could even find some videos on youtube and work with them. Would you guys be up for that?


Mike

Karen L;

I think the thing that was really bothering was the fear of panicking in front of her friends....

You brought up a good topic. I remember a big part of this condition is we are afraid of embarassing ourselves in front of people. Also we can be afraid of judgement and criticism as well. There is one technique called the feared fantasy technique which is used to handle situations like that and also if you feel bad about yourself for a certain physical attribute, behavioral pattern or whatever you can use this technique to help deal with that negativity as well. I already have alot jam packed into this lesson so I think i'll wait until next lesson to bring out that stuff. Plus it'll help to learn some of this assertiveness stuff I want to share before learning the other stuff.



Mike

How to handle complaining, whining and nagging (I am quoting this from David D Burns's book Feeling good)

Antiwhiner technique

Typical pattern;
1)The whiner complains about something to you
2)You feel the sincere desire to be helpful so you make a suggestion.
3)The person immediately squashes the suggestion and complains again.
4)You feel tense and inadequate so you try harder to make another suggestion.
5)Same response and anytime you try to break lose from the conversation, the other person implies that he or she is being abandoned, and you are flooded with guilt.

Example;Regardless of what her mother said, Shiba was to find some way to agree (disarm), and then instead of offering advise, she was to say something genuinely complimentary.

Roleplay;

Mother (Played by Shiba):Do you know that during the divorce proceedings it came out that your dad sold his share of the business, and I was the last to know about it?

Shiba (Played by David):That's absolutely correct. You didn't hear about it until the divorce proceedings. You really deserve better.

Mother:I don't know what we're going to do for money. How am I going to put your brothers through collage?

Shiba:That is a problem. We are short on money.

Mother:It was just like your father to pull something like this. His head isn't screwed on straight.

Shiba:He never was good at budgeting. You've always been much better at that.

Mother:He's a louse! Here we are on the verge of poverty. What if I get sick? we'll end up in the poor house.

Shiba:You're right! Its no fun at all to live in the poorhouse. I agree with you completely.

Shiba reported that it was no fun to complain as I kept agreeing with her.

It is your urge to help complainers that maintains the monotonous interaction.

When people whine and complain, they are usually feeling irritated, overwhelmed and insecure. When you try to help them, this sounds to them like criticism because it implies they aren't handling things properly.