Stress Center Peer Support

mmk22,

I hope your Thursday is MUCH, much better! Venting is great and journaling was an even better idea. I hope you felt the love coming back to you from your post and the replies...the support in here is awesome and people really do care about you and your well-being.

You mentioned caring for your baby, school, going back to work, cheerleading your husband, etc. in your first post...that's a lot of positive steps forward...but remember they also all bring associated stress...which may feel like and/or bring some "backwards steps." That's ok too. Give yourself a break - you have a lot on you right now. You will get better - your desire to do so is obvious in your words...you just have to start believing that it will happen...and then the steps forward on that path will start to come a little bit easier.

We're all here for you. (((hugs)))

Blessings,
Dawn

Dawn, you're a sweetie.
As far as my husband goes, Im just going to not get as invested in his day to day stresses. I have enough of my own. I just want to be able to help him and he lacks the confidence, (like most of us) to step foreward without announcing his every move to me to see if I approve. I do it too, but he REALLY does it.
I would like to just tell him to do his own thing, but he needs constant reinforcement and it really drains me. Thats what I mean by being his cheerleader.
But I want to focus on my own things, (school, daughter, work, this program) and just come up with a good catchphrase or something to tell him everytime he says, "what should I do?" Any ideas?
I think my frustration also comes from the fact that I DO put a lot of effort into our marriage and of course, expect the same in return. But he's a man, and men are different, so I dont seem to get the same interest back at me when Im talking about my things.
He actually said to me the other day, "Marcy is it bad that I wish you had more going on so that there would be more interesting things to hear you talk about?" Im like, "yes Kosta, thats bad, and your an ass."
But, hearing from the men is interesting too, because I like hearing that viewpoint. Please, keep the good advice coming, I could really use it right now, *(and the hugs)!
Thanks to all
Marcy

OMG - I roll my eyes at your husband's comments!!! Your choice in life was to be his wife...your "job" is not to keep him entertained! YIKES! That being said, there are some days when I feel like ESPN is much more interesting to my husband than ANYTHING that I have to say! I'll be like, "Honey - I did such and such at work today..." and he's staring at the TV, giving me nods and "uh-huhs" and when I pause he'll say something like, "Can you believe that that they think Chad Johnson is going to leave the Bengals?" What in the...?

I started giving us both wind-down time. I let him have the ESPN or whatever and time to read the paper when he gets home and I do my thing...and then later on I'll start a converation with him and ask him to mute the TV (or turn it off) and we can talk better. I know you've been at home all day, so that would probably be harder for you than for me...but it might work.

I might tell him that I appreciate that he values my input and perspective enough to ask for approval or advice...the fact that he does it signifies that he does acknowledge that you are a "team" after all. But I'd also have to add, that every single step does not always require individual attention...we could sit down and discuss the goals we have and the plans for our future (this invitation alone often discourages guys from asking for our continuous approval - LOL), but that there are some decisions that he will have to make for himself because it is his life. I mean - there may be a good job opportunity that will be best for the family finances or something, but if he hates the work...in the long run that will be worse for the family because he'll probably always be in a bad mood.

You are there to support him...and he is supposed to be there to support you. You can't live each other's life or take responsibility for the other's every move. That WOULD be draining!!

Is Spring coming in NH? I hope you and your daughter will be able to get out of the house soon and enjoy some sunshine...surely that will help!

Hang in there, sweetie!

Dawn

Dawn great advice...I had to laugh out loud at the ESPN thing. Whats with the fascination with that station?? I go, "So, today Effie and I went to see my sister...." and I can see his eyes s-l-o-w-l-y moving to the tv...his head nodding all the way. LOL
On good days, I can laugh it off, because part of me knows that he will always be more interested in the simpler things in life, (hockey, baseball, scotch) but it is frustrating when I have to say, "okay, now, I need to talk to you and Im gonna need your undivided attention, so look at me and try not to let your thoughts wander" I should probably interject here by telling you he has pretty severe ADHD, we dont have insurance, so there are no fabulous focus pills he can take. I need to be on something for my depression too, it gets the better of me too much, but again, $.
There are 3 major things going on with me: I have very little patience, a very short fuse, and this idea in my head that everything needs to be "perfect" all the time. Now that I have a baby, I want her life to be as perfect as mine was, (until my mom got sick)and this unstableness with our careers and moving and everything is just throwing me for a loop. The depression, leads to a hopeless attitude and creates a lot of anxiety for me and then around and around I go. Kosta grew up moving once a year and sees no problem doing that to our kids, but I stayed in one house forever and loved it. I cant imagine doing that to our family.
I will use your advice, in fact as I was typing this he called me to give me the "update" on the restaurant he is trying to buy, and asked what do you think, to which I replied, "I want you to trust yourself and do what you think is best" eh? eh? not bad, huh Dawn? Im learning.
Okay, now, what to do about this temper thing.. Screaming babies that never stop? Any takers? Do they make muzzels for moms and kids? I started working out again, because it said to in the anger tape, and man, Im out of shape! I did like 5 pushups and I feel like I got hit by a truck! Baby steps...
Spring should be here soon, then hopefully, Effie and I can run around outside and burn off some energy.
I really appreciate you taking the time to write back to be, it helps so much to hear good advice from people who have been there!
Marcy

Not bad at all, Marcy! Good for you!

I had to smile at your ESPN story...at least I'm not alone on that one either! LOL

Have you finished the session on expectations? I am a total Type A perfectionist type too...although you wouldn't know it looking at my house ( ). Part of that, for me at least, was that if I couldn't do it "right" or "perfect" then I would get so discouraged and not do it at all! And then that causes frustration and depression...and anxiety...blah, blah, blah. Ugh. Anyhow - the expectation session helped me in putting my priorities in focus...and to not for my priorities on others as much either!

I am reading The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People right now and there was a quote in there that caught my attention last night. It was talking about moving from being dependent to independent to interdependent and it said that we are DEPENDENT when we let the weaknesses of other people ruin out emotional lives or when we feel victimized by people and events out of our control.

That one hit home for me.

As for the screaming baby...stupid question, I know, but any ideas WHY she screams? Does her tummy hurt? Wants to be held? Just likes to hear her voice? The exercise if a great idea - don't be discouraged by feeling out of shape...the way I see it SOME exercise ia always better than NONE. Just do what you can...and try to get a variety of things (which will be easier when it warms up, I'm sure!) so you don't get bored or frustrated with it.

Exercising and relaxation helped with my anger issues. PMS still kils me though. My husband told me the other day that I needed a "Midol the size of a hubcap" - if that tells you anything! LOL

Sometimes - too...if nothing is wrong with them, of course...you just have to let crying babies cry a little (or a lot...and sometimes a little seems like a lot to stressed out mommies!). How does she do with music?

Hang in there - things will get better!

Dawn

There's nothing wrong with Effie, she just likes to scream. I call her my little emotionally unstable baby, (like most). For instance, as I type, shes mad at me because I wont let her climb up on the table so she's throwing this God Awful fit at my feet. She's been doing it since she woke up an hour ago. (taking breaks of course to eat her grilled cheese and take a few sips of milk,) then she peers over at me and when I raise my eyebrows at her, she resumes her fit. Its as though she thinks, Oh yeah, I was upset for some reason!
Im gonna go ahead and keep this program for her.
Dont get me wrong, I play with her all day and do my mommy things, but she's just a tester. Now shes screaming because she cant get into the baby-proofed cupboards--nope, back to the chairs--okay, my head hurts.
Can I have some of your hubcap mydol?
Is there such a thing as the terrible ones?
She's lucky she's cute, thats all I can say.
I love that book your reading. I should go over it again, it would probably hit home a lit better for me now at this point.
Are you all done with the program? I usually take about 3 weeks on each session so It really can sink in. Did you do everything you were supposed to do? Journaling, diet? etc...
I think there are some really level headed people in here, you included. Its great to hear the perspective!
Thanks
Marcy

Marcy - I believe there is such a thing as the terrible ones - each child is different. My kids are grown up now but my youngest was challenging in the temper department. We even asked the doctor what to do and he replied to just ignore the crying and or tantrums because they are only doing it for attention. Just continue the positive attention that you do give her and when she does the negative stuff for attention just do your best to ignore it and keep your cool (easier said that done - I know!) Be consistent and don't give in. She will soon realize that the behavior is not getting her the desired effect. Hope that helps.

Congratulations on all you are doing!

I didn't realize you were so young. You guys are hardly out of adolescence. Give your self about 10 years of steady work in this area. At your age I had no clue what would help me have better self esteem. I guess this is all new to you, so be patient and try and let it all sink in. I worked with the program for over 3 years and saw gradual improvement all of that time. Old habits die hard and try and resurface if they are well ingrained. My guess is your hubby is about the same age? You and he might take a look at Dr. David Burns books, "Feeling Good the New Mood Therapy" and "The Feeling Good Handbook". They're both at Amazon.com. he's also written one for panic/anxiety called "When Panic Attacks". Keep truckin' you and he will make it.

Marcy -

Just think - maybe this is a foretelling that your daughter will be a strong, independent woman who knows what she wants and knows how to go after it. (I love her name, btw - is it short for something else?)

I am on session 12 this week. I started out doing everything exactly by the book...except for (confession time!) cutting out the coffee! I did cut way back though - I'm only at about a cup a day instead of 3-4 like I was doing. Anyhow - then my husband and I went on a vacation to celebrate our 20th anniversary (which was in June, but we couldn't take off work until January!) and I got off track that week. Then he had a business trip in February and I went with him for the weekend (I never do these kinds of things, btw - at least not until AFTER I got this far in the program!!! These trips were a big step for me!) and got off track again. So anyhow - when I got to sessions 10 and 11 I ended up doing them in one week. I wouldn't recommend that necessarily to anyone - because going by the book is really the best way, but I had taken longer on some sessions to let them sink in (like you were saying also) and those 2 weren't exaclty relevant to me. Don't get me wrong I got information and help from them both, but just didn't feel the need at this point to delve into them in depth like I did on the other sessions. Session 12 is really good and I may need longer on this one too.

I said all that to say, sorta kinda (LOL) yes, I pretty much stick to the program recommendations...with exceptions. I'm not the best at being self-motivated to exercise, but I do like how I feel after exercising (and that dreaded bathing suit season is nearly upon us!! :p) so I try really hard to make myself do that every other day.

I journal a lot, but then I love to write. I have a notebook that I keep with me in my purse where I put random quotes, thoughts, etc. Some days I write and write and write my frustrations out and it does help me feel better. Some days I don't write much if anything, but I'll go back and read stuff from the past and it helps me see how far I've come - or how I've overcome problems. I highly recommend journaling!

On the baby screamer note...thankfully my kids were pretty good, but I have two funny stories about my daughter. One was how she used to scream bloody murder in the bathtub when I washed her hair and it got so bad that I thought she must have something wrong with her ears and the water bothered it or hurt her. I took her to the doctor and after examining her he said..."SHE JUST DOESN'T LIKE HAVING HER HAIR WASHED." SIGH!!

The other story - when she was little, we didn't have much money at all so I hardly ever got to go shopping for clothes or anything for myself, but for my birthday someone had given me a gift card to a store at the mall and I was so excited to use it! I took her with me (she was almost 2) and she pitched the biggest royal fit in the middle of the store! She was down on the floor biting the carpet and screaming...it was unreal - she NEVER had done that before (or after for that matter!). I didn't want to waste my RARE chance to shop, so I threw all these clothes on the counter really fast to at least use up the card. I got home and thought - what in the world? They were all colors that I never wore before...in wild styles. I thought - great, I'll probably have ot find a day to go return all these now. But then I tried them on and they looked GREAT! GO FIGURE! I tell my daughter now (she'll be 21 this month...and is a total FASHIONISTA, btw!) that her screaming fit was responsible for drastically improving my sense of fashion and style! LOL

So maybe good things will come from Effie's vocal skills!

Hope today is better for you! Did your husband make a decision on the restaurant?

Blessings,
Dawn

Yes Don, we are young. Kosta is 25 and im 23. I feel older because of my kinda rocky childhood though. Anyone who grows up with alcoholism in the home knows that being a kid kinda goes out the window. (can anyone relate?)
But thats why Im trying to get better now, I see that the older I get, the harder it is to change the things that become habitual and I'd like to start haveing GOOD habits as I get older....
hmmmm, yes, patients.....do they make a pill for that?
I agree Shasha, there has to be terrible ones, as well as twos.
Im trying to ignore her more and more when she acts like that but as you pointed out, it is easier said than done....then when I do get her on the right track, she's off to yia yia's house to relearn how to be a brat...
hmph.... grandparents, they mean well
I like the idea of keeping a jourmal in my purse, because honestly, that one is one of the hardest things to keep up on. I like to write too Dawn, so thats something I'll try to do. Im starting school for psychology in a few days, so I'll surely get back into the writing mode....yes thats right folks, crazy helping crazies!
And Im going to the gym for the first time in...um, well, ever. Just picture me in the corner snapping bubbles of chewing gum and half-assed lifting a 1 1/2 pound pink dumbbell..lol
Thats me, the lazy broad in the corner.. I'll probably just take Effie into the pool instead, she likes the water.

Those stories were great! Your lil fashonista daughter taking full responsibility for your great style, I love it! Isnt that wierd how that worked out? When you said she was biting the carpet it reminded me of Effie scraping the stain off her crib with her teeth if I dont get in there to lift her out fast enough. rediculous...
BTW-her real name is Effrosini Laurel, arent Greek names nice? My husband's is Konstadinos Gorgeous, and mines just boring Marcy Anna. Effie's named after his mom and mine. Kinda sentimental, I just dont know what we'll do if we have another girl, we might have to go with great grandmas, Viula, (Vaya).

Also, btw, Im down to one cup, half calf coffee everyday, I need something to look foreward to in the morning, and for the moment, coffees it. I cant get out of bed until I smell it. Pathetic, I know. lol

Im sure Effie will be really headstrong, theres no doubt about that. Id rather her be that way then a pushover, so I guess I can learn to appreciate her LOUD VOCALS!! Maybe someday they will win her a grammy. If she would just learn to let me reason with her then Id have no problem....when does that happen? Oh yeah, not till they're like, 28. Crap. I think Im gonna go invest in a nice Ipod..