Stress Center Peer Support

Paislee,
I can some what relate to your story with your father in law. I think family is so hard! My blood family is much easier and I think it is due to the fact "they are blood!" In laws on the other hand, have there whole family dynamics all worked out and it makes sense to them, but know one else! It seams when I insert my self I become a target, so I have practiced not getting that involved.

My husband has a Uncle in a near by (40 mins) away town. He never had children or married. He is 91!!! Husbands cousin lives in the same town, and has been close to him and has a POA over him. His health is failing...She does a great job with him. I support her, as it is a huge job!
My husband has 6 brothers and 1 sister who all live on the west coast.
(You can see how this story unfolds!) Those who live far away tell everyone else what to do! (esp. if they are older) Things that make sense to you because you are here, care, want to help, noooo only if told. It had caused me lots of grief for many years over different family members and such.
I have learned to let my husband deal with his family, and I mine. ( we support each other him & I )
I don't know if this helps you in any way, I just thought I would share, and let you know your not alone!

THH--Thanks! We live 4 hours away and see fil quite often. DH has 6 sisters and 2 brothers!

2 sisters live in town near FIL. They have to sneak his clothes to wash them, that is how bad it is. He is very stubborn and doesn't hear very well either. I think these sisters do have POA as well. They do a terrific job considering they are the younger ones. I guess it is the nurse in me. He already lost a brother and saw him in the hospital with the damages a stroke does.

I just "feel" for himfee

Paislee,
I'm sure you being a nurse makes it very hard! Caring for people and noticing their changes you feel like you need/want to help. Do what makes you feel good. Be assertive when you feel that inner voice speaking!

For me, I would like it if someone had some input that I needed to know about my loved one. Then I could decide if it was important or if it was something I already was aware of.
My father has a girl friend! (about 10 yrs. now) And I am so grateful to her, as she adores him. On the same hand he can be a handful at times at well. I'm so glad we have a good relationship( her & I, she is 10 yrs. Younger than he is...LOL... ) because she lets me know how he is behaving or feeling esp. if it needs some addressing. Also she spends alot of time with him, and I so appreciate that.

Just my thoughts.

Paisleegreen;

Some people are just so consumed with their own problems that they have a hard time absorbing anything external. Part of that might be anxiety. It can interfere with empathy and consideration and the person may not realize it at all.

It would definately be a good idea to get him to the hospital. Stubborn or not it can get alot worse this doesn't happen. I can't say why they are responding that way but it is really upsetting. I would have a hard time not thinking the same way as you too.


Mike

Well, an interesting turn of events have occurred. DH came to me and felt that maybe we should have FIL come live with us. I discussed my feelings about FIL and his circumstances and that I'm worried about him. I also started visualizing him living with us and what I would have to give up for that to happen.

My first thought is maybe this is a good idea, so DH called his brother to see what he thought. This brother had called him earlier with concerns between two siblings that are insisting my FIL order some coal for the winter. My FIL has been stubborn about using coal to heat his house, partly could be he is too old and worn out to care for the burning of the coal and the other is $ concerns. Which there isn't a concern except in his own mind.

Well, after talking w/ the one brother, there was concern that maybe one of the sisters might not like us taking "over". So DH called that sister and she was relieved, but by the time that conversation came about or was done, I started thinking more vividly what this might do to my recovery!

The extra noise that comes with another TV being on, another person hard of hearing and snores. Even if FIL is independent, he is still in my house, and could fall down, could break things, need watching as he went outdoors, and so on!

I want to help FIL out, and he might not live for very longer or he could live another 5 years. He might not even want to be with us.

So as was mentioned by both siblings, he could even now just walk out his front door and fall down and stay there. Which he probably wouldn't mind, he misses his wife that has already passed. One SIL is going to drop by and make a suggestion to him to come stay with us for the winter.

Anyway, that is the latest on my concerns for my FIL. I know that I and DH will be able to take him to see a Dr and hopefully will get him to take a shower w/ some help with simple bathing equipment and physical assistance.

I'm not a nurse, but did go to college taking classes needed for the nursing program and then I changed my mind. I do have a degree where I do work with people in hospitals though. And my mother was an RN. I've always been interested in caring for people and critters, and I study health issues at my leisure. Always interested in how the body and brain works.

THH--I'm glad your father has a GF that cares for your Dad. That is really helpful for you and your peace of mind.

Ninja--I'm finding out via conversation w/ different SIL that they do worry, but can only do so much when they have a fulltime job, etc. and she does the best she can. She has the same misgivings about having the possibility of FIL living with her just to keep him warm. But everyone works in her household and he would be all alone and probably fall down the stairs or break something.

So the end discussion is that all we can do is try it out and if it doesn't work out w/ FIL and me or DH, he can always go back home and deal with the situation there. He is 87 and is eventually going to fall when noone is looking and possibly have a head concussion or bleeding in the brain. Maybe a broken leg and then sent to a nursing home.

But at least the offer was made and we'll just see out it goes.