Stress Center Peer Support

I am recovering. the only way to fail is to stop trying. My focus this week is to be assertive for myself. I am my safe person, I am my own best friend.


MIke

A semi is a semi-truck, one of those huge trucks that pulls a trailer full of something professionally. They're big and loud and I have had experiences with them swerving out of their lane and coming into mine, but so far no accidents.

The situation that I was talking about was not about the hay. His complete confidence in my handling the hay actually made me feel good after I did it. No, this time I shared with him some of my thoughts about my religious faith, I have been seeking guidance and help from God in dealing with anxiety, and all areas of my life. My husband disagreed with my view and instead of discussing it just got angry and called me stupid. But he doesn't have to share my opinion, and he can't decrease my faith. So, I have let it drop.

Just making myself do the exercising is the hard part. I was walking/jogging in the morning around our ranch in the morning and was consistant with it. Now the cold rains of fall have started, and the ground is muddy too so running like I did is out f the question. Now I can drive 35 min to the ymca and workout and then drive home, but the time, and gas and inconvenience of it help me to just not do it.
I've thought of buying a treadmill or exercise bike to have at home, but with both of us unemployed I don't want to spend the money. However, I am spending $45 a month to belong to the Y and I'm not going, so maybe it would be a good purchase, for my health and sanity.

The biggest plus the Y has is a varity of machines for aerobics and a pool, swimming laps is the best thing I have found to loosen up my shoulders and neck. Massages help but are too expensive to have regularly and the massage therapist is 45 min drive away. I love living out in the country but it does have its disadvantages.

Yes, the reason for doing the relaxation CD so often finally made sense with me after watching the video you posted, thanks.

Karen,

I can sooo understand how you feel not being able to pick up your daughter. I have so many regrets about my past mistakes as a mother. However, your case wasn't a mistake, you really did the best you could at the time. Do you share with your daughter that you have anxiety, does she know why you didn't pick her up? I think all kids learn in their teens that their parents are just human and can make mistakes and have limitations. It's part of growing up. When I feel such regret for my mistakes, I use this to forgive in an extra measure the things that happened to me as I was growing up.

THH

Glad to hear everything is fine on your blood tests. And congratulations on not letting yourself worry like you could have, and it would have been for nothing.

I hope your donkee makes a recovery, it may have been easier if they could have found something to fix right away.

I am on the road to recovery. There will be obstacles which I will deal with and overcome. I am moving in the right direction. I must feel the discomfort and see that it will not hurt me.

wow....have been so busy out raking leaves the last week I am actually tired and a bit sore lol.....actually skipped my work-out a few times, but it takes me at least 2 hours to clean up all the leaves, so I figure thats a pretty good work-out

I did take the self-evaluation and scored a 49, which is not bad....my previous scores were a 56 and a 64, but I didnt write dates down.....not sure if Im actually more assertive or just dont care what people think of me as much as I used to in certain situations....

been doing ok.....I think being outside really helps me feel better.....going to run up to the drugstore later and maybe some driving if it doesnt get too late.....


THH

I am sooooooo happy everything is ok
yes, I have had doctors like that.....and have actually worked with doctors that do not have any bedside manners...that should be a required course for them lol...
we also had some bad weather...several trees down in the area...but everything here is ok


Lindalee

I completely understand where you are coming from that you just feel it may be better to just keep your thoughts and opinions to yourself, rather than be called names.....it is really messed up, but I do understand....makes it that much harder to try to work on self-esteem when others treat you as if you're unimportant....I know that I have no self-esteem and that is my main thing I need to work on in order for me to have the self-confidence to succeed in this program....
yes, you will have time to work on being assertive with him, but just remember he may react the way he has in the past and dont take it personally...he is the one with the problem, not you...

omg, you did great!!! I have not drove the highway in about 4 1/2 yrs, so I can appreciate your accomplishment!! and I completely know the boxed in feeling of the semis...afraid they will make one wrong little move...but you did it!!!

Im glad to hear you are using the relaxation tape....I kind of laxed and missed a few nights, and I can see how much more tense I am on those days.....and you are right, we need to practice using it when we are not anxious, so it becomes part of us.....so much that we will then be able to use it when we are anxious......I do notice that I automatically watch my breathing and take deep breaths when I am anxious, especially when driving....sometimes I feel I do it obsessively lol...but there is nothing wrong with controlling my breathing and occupying my mind with the counting


Mike

thats exactly what gets me upset......that people can do these little activities everyday without even a second thought and its such a struggle for me....I try to remember though that each person has their own crutch to carry and I dont know what they are going through....

that is terrible about your past hospitalization....I still sometimes say to much to certain people and wonder if they will use it against me in the future...Im trying to keep people like that out of my life...surround myself with healthy positive people

I also have been hospitalized....once in '92 when I first started panicking....I was in for 3 weeks.....then for a couple days in 1997 with postpartum depression...funny thing is in 2000-2003 I worked on that same psych floor once in awhile....and I loved it.....although there were times when I was having a bad day and it would bother me a bit if I let it.....

thanks for all the info you take the time to post.......I really appreciate it

oh yea........the idea of posting practice situations where we can try to be assertive is excellent!!! we can never have to much practice



Lindalee

I just read some more of your posts....religion and beliefs can be a very touchy and anxiety producing situation for anyone....maybe your husband doesnt even want to hear about other options because that will force him to take a look at his own beliefs.....but still not a reason for him to be rude.....you are so nice, I cant believe anyone wanting to be rude to you....

as far as the exercise, Im sure you will figure out what works best for you....I used to belong to a gym, now I have equipment in my basement......but I did better when I actually had to go to the gym, at home I find myself putting it off....but that's just me......now, the gym is out of my comfort zone and I dont even know if I could walk in let alone work out....its too bad this weather does not co-operate year round lol...and I completely understand the financial situation also.....but Im sure you will figure out what is best for you....ever consider getting a execise buddy??

my kids know all about my anxiety....I dont hide it at all from them....I think she just gets in her mood (especially if she has had a bad day)..and sometimes she just gets tired of my anxiety, just like I do....she just wants to have a normal family....and I dont blame her......most of the time my kids are very uinderstanding and supportive..just I have to allow them to have a bad day and not take it personally....I also still struggle with the guilt I have over my older kids childhood....that is one thing that I do work on alot with my counselor..think Im finally learning to let go and forgive myself for some of my past......

Lindalee;

Thank you for explaining that to me. The experiences of trailors swirving out of lane would make anybody nervous.

That sounds really inconsiderate of him to say that and you don't derserve that kind of treatment. Weather he agrees or doesn't agree doesn't give him the right to call you stupid. My response to that is how does it make me stupid to believe what I do? But maybe it would be better to just drop it.

Well do whatever you can for your sake when it comes to exercising. Even getting workout videos might be an idea too. For me it gives me the sense that I'm not alone when I watch those which actually I haven't in awhile, I usually get that from the gym and seeing all the other people.

Variety is important when it comes to sanity. Constantly the same things get boring and life becomes less enjoyable and it does sound like maybe keeping the Y as an option would be a good idea. Perhaps you could do some of your exercising at the Y instead of all your exercise time and you could do the rest of it at home.

Your welcome. I've actually slacked on the relaxation cd myself. I was only doing it right when I woke up and not before bed and I'm sure it helped but not as much as it could have or to a level I'd call satisfactory.


Karen L;

Definately a good workout! Workout doesn't always have to consist of running, weights, squats or whatever...as long as your using those muscles!

49...really? Wow, so you wouldn't feel anxious about most of those things?

Being outside is usually a good thing because it gets us out of the box we live in, plus the fresh air, the greenery all good to the senses.

Well don't feel alone because I still feel somewhat upset seeing this from people. Its a jealousy thing but we can get there again. Also these people may have other anxieties we aren't aware of and we have the advantage because we are learning to deal with anxiety itself, all of it in any situation! The average person doesn't know this kind of stuff and so they may still have some really significant limitations like going up and talking to someone they really find attractive or taking a risk to get a job they want or that raise. Once we really get it, we can handle it all!

I probabbly say too much myself. Actually one person from this site had actually had a hard time accepting what I was saying just because I had mentioned I was hospitalized. I had been worried that some people would criticize me and put me on the spot and well that person did just that and well online, I actually handled it pretty well. so now its like So what-if someone tries to use this stuff against me in the future, I can agree partially with it and it doesn't matter if the person doesn't want to believe in what I have to say or not, its really not going to affect me in the long run. It happens but the frequency is less when you do surround yourself with more positive people as you say you are trying to do.

That is kinda funny you were working on the same psych floor you once were in. I cannot really relate to feeling bothered about being in it. I was actually put on the floor with the schizophrenics as there wasn't any more room for the mood and anxiety floor. Those people were actually really friendly and I enjoyed myself, plus I got to help out several people with my CBT knowledge. I even got in crap one time because I was doing a lecture to some of the other people and I was way too formal. I had discussions, an exercise, lecture notes and even a test! I felt really great though.

Awesome, I am still trying to collect some more data. Luckily for me, American Idol has seen alot of insults from Simon Cowell which I'm going to use for our practice opportunities. I think we will start slow though. First working through just general labels and then working our way up. We can make practice very easy at first.


Mike

My ideas, opinions, feelings and needs matter. I deserve respect and I deserve to stand up for myself. When I'm assertive it doesn't matter how the other person responds because I'm doing it for myself and not for them. No matter what response I get, I will continue to stick to my guns.

Wednesday;

Ok this is just rediculous. I've progressively gotten to bed later and later in the day. Last night i got to bed at 6am and I woke up today and just feel like utter garbadge. I wanted to go to yoga but well after that kinda sleep I didn't even want to leave my house. I just hungout around the house reading some self-help stuff, posting, watching tv and playing videogames. I didn't really feel good about myself but whatever I just accepted it for today in hopes that tomorrow is alot better.

I did start to collect some negative responses to use for assertiveness training and I will start to put some up right away and we can start tomorrow. I'm going to do alot of searching online maybe with shows like american idol or so you think you can dance.

Thought replacement
1)I shouldn't have gone to bed so late, this is getting rediculous. I'm so horrible I can't even follow my own goals.
[Should, Label, Mental filter]
(Accept)
->This last week has been a little rediculous when it comes to sleep. I have been going to bed later and later and this doesn't correspond to my goal of getting to bed at 11. I fell off the train and I can use this to motivate me to get back on.

2)I should've gone out today, I'm so pathetic.
[Should, Label]
(Semantics)
->I prefer to spend some time outside everyday but there are some days when I just want to stay at home and thats fine, I need to take care of myself.

3)I've wasted the whole day.
[All-or-Nothing]
(Double standard)
->I took care of myself and thats the most important thing. I got some things done and its ok to not be as productive as normal days.

4)I'll never be able to handle confrontation in the moment, I can't change my automatic responses
[Overgeneralization, Minimization]
(Examine the evidence)
->I change my automatic thoughts on a daily basis, as a human I am able to change and grow, I am getting better at interupting old behavioral patterns, the more I do something the more second nature I get at it, I used to automatically respond with anger but now I respond by not saying anything.

5)I better do everything right or else I will be forced out.
[Should, All-Or-Nothing]
->The guy just got off work to find some dishes in the sink and he was also a littled annoyed to find some hair that I must have missed cleaning up. He deserves to have a clean house and I'm doing what I can but sometimes I miss some things. If it does come down to it I can remind him that I don't always leave dishes in the sink, leave hairs on the ground and even if it happens I'm not doing it to deliberately disrespect him.

6)I screwed up and now hes going to keep track of everything I do wrong and then he'll kick me out.
[magnification, fortune telling]
(examine the evidence)
->He mentioned the issues so he isn't as likely to blow up unexpectedly, he doesn't have a visable list saying all the wrong things, he doesn't bring up all the times I screwed up, I had asked him if he has had as much problems since our last talk about the kitchen and us tenants keeping it clean and he noticed the diffrence and had noted that I have put more effort into cleaning, he has talked about past tenants and that he has gotten to a point of putting up signs and people didn't listen and then he kicked them out and there are no signs up now, also he isn't going to purposely put himself into a situation where he needs to find new tenants because that is just extra stress and the way he works at his job makes it very difficult to find people and show the place.


Mike

Daily assertiveness practice

Alright so from now to the end of the program I'm planning to put up a negative comment for us to practice on. What I'd like you to do is check out that previous post with the 3 techniques (empathy, disarm and feelings/negotiations) and figure out a way to respond to the comment. I will start it off and for maybe the first week I will post a response right after so you get the jist of how to do it and then I will wait until others have responded before posting my response because I want you guys to really think about it and that might not be as effective If i'm putting down all the answers or what I think are the answers.

For your benefit I will summarize

1)Empathy- question them to figure out what the situation looks like through their eyes

2)Disarm- find a grain of truth in what they say and agree with it

3)Feelings and negotiations- express your point of view objectively. Make the conflict about fact rather than opinion

I wouldn't worry too much about the 3rd part right now, lets just focus on the first 2.


Today's Comment;

You can't do anything right.


My response; There are definately many things I can't seem to do right.



Mike

Here is an inspirational video;

Can't take that away

Mike

Hi All -

I just wanted to check in and let you know I'm still here. I haven't caught up on reading all the posts, but I am still following along with the CD's.

I've had three treatments now of the neurotherapy. It's very early to tell how it's going, but I am encouraged. I seem to be feeling less anxious overall, but that may just be my natural fluctuations. What was interesting is that during the treatments I can definitely see that my spontaneous anxious feelings have a visible impact on my brain activity as registered on the monitor. I'll share more as I continue.

I hope you're all doing well.

Jamie

Mike,
I could not get your video, it is blocked in the US.??? I had that happen one other time, Man O Music posted a song that I could not get in the USA.

I guess with todays comment, "You can't do anything right". My first thought is who is saying this? So I would consider the source. If it were someone I cared for, My response, What do you mean I can't do anything right? I do lots of things that work for me, what don't you like? How would you like for me to do this?


So I guess my answer is 1) Empathy.

I don't know if I'm doing it right, Mike, let me know! LOL...
I don't really get many insults, maybe people are condescending to me at times. I will think about it though.

I know my sister says things like
1. You have no idea what its like getting up at 5:00 am and driving to work. Sometimes that kind of talk does bother me.

I have always worked jobs that I worked swing shift. I never did like getting up with the chickens. So there is a grain of truth to it, I'm not a morning person, but that don't make me unproductive. She is comparing her life to mine and it feels as though she is trying to make me feel less of a person because I don't get up early and drive to work.

I'll think more on it.