Melony – I have tried responding to your question so many times (then deleted it) I just can’t find the words. Or I should say; I can’t seem to find the words to make a long story short.
I hope this helps a little.
At the moment in my life when Bill got the first cancer I had turned from God (long story) and his cancer was just another justification to me that life was just an endless waste of useless time. I hated life then. Fighting anxiety/panic/depression didn’t help at all and I was still working the Lucinda and the New Life program.
When he was going through the first, second and third cancer, I had pretty much gone through every emotional, physical, mental, spiritual breakdown that anyone could go under, dealing with him and my own personal recovery. At one point having a very embarrassing breakdown at the cancer center and had to go to an “emergency therapist/counselor.”
My turning point? One day I was sitting in the cafeteria of cancer center. (Bill was upstairs getting chemo.) I sat there watching other patients. Some of them in wheelchairs with chemo IV strapped to them; some so weak they were being fed by others; some so thin they seemed they would brake in half in you touched them; some that looked so bad that I could barely look at them. It was a dismal sight. But then I started not watching them, but really observing their faces. They had such Hope in their eyes. They were laughing with family through their physical pain. They spoke of healing and God and their future. I was very angry and numb. I didn’t get it. I was sitting there thinking, “What the hell are they fighting for?” These people were fighting for their life when all I wanted to do was die.
I grabbed some coffee and went back upstairs and silently stood back and watched Bill……….. bald headed, needles sticking in his arms, way too thin, sores on his body, but with the biggest smile on his face joking with the nurses. Everyone was smiling and laughing, but me. “What was keeping him smiling?” "What did these patients have that I didnt'?"
I just started searching for that “thing”. That thing that made those people fight for their lives. That thing was FAITH. Slowly but surely, I was guided back to God. I can’t explain it. I won’t even try.
Will I falter? Probably
Do I still have doubts? Sometimes
Have I lost my Faith through all this? It has been tested big time
But all this has made my Faith stronger and me stronger.
And like Bevhembree said, “I know He will lead me to the right doctors who will help me endure this and I shall have victory in time”
I believe that wholeheartedly! There is so much to our story that there is just not enough room in the forum to write it all. There are more miracles. More things that have happened that there is no doubt in my mind it was from God.
So, I guess to really answer your question Melony. Do I have Faith that God will heal my situation? All I know now is, when you have Jesus in your life….life just isn’t as bad as it seems.
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At the Cancer Treatment Centers of America in Tulsa, OK they believe in 4 things, Prayer, Support, Nutrition, then Chemo/Surgery (in that order.) They believe God is the Ultimate healer. They have on staff Pastors and Counselors. They also pray over their patients before any surgery is done. And many times throughout the hospital you will see nurses, staff, and even housekeeping personnel praying with the patients AND family members.
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One of the flyers they gave says:
Cancer is so limited...
It cannot cripple love
It cannot shatter hope
It cannot corrode faith
It cannot destroy peace
It cannot kill friendship
It cannot suppress memories
It cannont silence courage
It cannot invade the soul
It cannot steal eternal life
And it cannot conquer the spirit.
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