Stress Center Peer Support

I have a 36 year old son, who has probably said and done some of the worst things I've heard or endured. He is an only child and was from a first marriage. His bio father had little and then nothing to do with him. I married again when he was 8 and my husband adopted him. As a child he was diagnosed with ADHD and ritalin was suggested. It was in the very early days of ritalin being used and ADD or ADHD actually being recognized. He was a very smart, kind kid and I worked hard to keep a good healthy balance in his life. He was seen by very prominent and highly recommended pediatric psychiatrists. We engaged in individual and family therapy for years. I changed his diet -- no sugar, no junk food, I found things he liked and signed him up. He didn't like team sports so we had him involved in track and field (he was an excellent pole vaulter), gymnastics, tennis, skiing, sailing, fishing. I lived in NYC, and sought help through the board of ed and he was placed in special classes. By the 6th grade he was mainstreamed. Throughout all the years that we worked so hard to help him, my mother spent every moment of her life maligning me. She truly set out on a mission to poison his mind against me. My mother, obviously ill, is a story for another time, however, she accomplished what she set out to do. I hear him say things to me that are as if they are coming right out of my mother's mouth. Even the way he phrases things are the way she would have. He has three advanced college degrees, and supposedly is now overseas getting yet another degree -- however, he has yet to use these degrees to get a real job! He works just enough to have money to live, but no career. He moved in with us for two years and it was a complete nightmare. Without my knowledge my husband threw him out, which was a good thing, I just would never have done it and my husband knew it. I have been physically and emotionally ill for a long time, and having him around certainly didn't help it. He writes things to me that are truly horrifying, he once even threatened to murder me, another time he wished me dead. I ignore him for a while, and then I get an email with a list of favors he needs and when I refuse, the whole thing starts all over again. He thinks his ADHD just cured itself and he is fine.I am not a medical professional, but I see indications of serious personality problems. He drinks too much and calls everyone else an alcoholic, he is immature, selfish, lazy, ambitionless, cruel, disrespectful, racist, sexist, oh the list goes on and on. He learned none of this from us. The things he says and does horrify us, and it has cost him some very nice friends. I truly feel as if my heart is broken and he is the biggest disappointment of my life. I see him going nowhere and doing nothing with his life and spewing hate at me forever. I spend an enormous amount of time crying over him, and I already suffer from depression, anxiety and various other serious illnesses, which he claims I make up because I am a hypochondriac, I am not, the diseases are real, and my doctors worry about me with the constant stress of him treating me so hatefully. I just need some imput from other parents.

Hi all,

I will try to stay away from this as a few other very wise people have done.

I have 2 grown adult offspring ages 32 and 33. They each have their own families. When my daughter was 16 she broke my heart because she told me that I love her too much and that she hated our family.

When my son turned 18 he wanted to slug around the house. He is a very smart young man, and was a very bright kid actually from the crib. Really. Since he was not really putting in an effort at college, I suggested he visit the recruiters, learn about life, and land a job with them. He did just that. It broke my heart that I suggested that, but an idle mind is the workshop of the devil and I had to get him on the road to growing up.

The end of this story to this point is, we did the best we could with our children and taught them good values. I do not believe in spoiling children, they must earn their way. In the Apostle Paul's Didiache he wrote and advised all Christian communities to receive all who come, for a day or 2 after their visit as guests, they must work if they want to eat.
Those are good words of advice, we do not to encourage slothfulness, in any form, for anybody.

I guess my question is, when should children be allowed grow up to spread their wings, and grow up to make their mark on the world. The law says they are no longer children and reach majority when they are 18. I think that is a good barometer. We still love our children but they have to grow sometime. Some how, we did okay.

BTW, when one adult threatens another adult with physical violence that is called: ASSAULT and it is punishable by law. When the threat is written is irrefutable evidence of the ASSAULT. That is a felony in most states, punishable by imprisonment of approximately 1 year, with loss of citizenship.

I empathize with all parents that have to deal with unruly children, but after 18 years of age they are no longer children; they are adults, and the law recognizes them as such. If we allow our offspring to hang on to moms apron strings, they will never grow up. We must let go and make their own place in the sun. Let go and let God. Letting them go doesn't mean we don't love them. It means we trust the upbringing we gave enough to let them spread their wings and live their own lives.

That's a guy parents point of view. It's okay if you don't agree with, but I will not buy into or swallow any form of coddling of adults. They are on their own. I am sorry about putting in my 2 cents in this and seemed a bit harsh, I really do not mean to.

My heart does go out these good people with kind hearts about their adult children, and I shall pray for them.