Stress Center Peer Support

Good morning Ahmina,

TerryS here. After reading your posting I can see you are hurting so badly. You mentioned siblings. Are you close to them? Do you have children too?

As for your grandfather, I think he may have been proud of you regardless. Most people don't express emotions (especially those in his era). My own mother-inlaw, who I love dearly finds it very hard to say "I love you" to her own son, my husband, "he ought to know." I recall when her own sister who was dying at the time of cancer, my mother-inlaw saying, "She keeps telling me she loves me and she ought to know I do too, since I've been taking care of her for years!" The "I love you" means so much more to us than a lot of people realize and Auntie just wanted to hear it. (My mother-inlaw expresses it with a good homecooked meal, and taking care of us when we're sick) She just wont say it. Wild horses couldn't drag it out of her. Instead "me, myself, I" say it to her. I hug her, kiss your cheek. She just gets a glint in her eye and smiles. (and she calls me the emotional one)

Your grandfather took care of you. He didn't have to, he took on the responsiblity. I bet you he may have discussed his disappointment in your mother with her years ago and left it as that. Don't let the so called relatives make you feel insignificant either. I bet you if you ever came into money they wouldn't let you forget you are "family".

As for your mother, she'll eventually come knocking on your door again. Try not opening it too wide to let her in next time. She'll have to depend on someone else. (Easier said than done, isn't it?) You may just for being honery, mail her a bill for past due rent or groceries. She'll be shocked and wont pay it, but it may get the message across that you're taking a stance and will think twice of knocking again. Emotionally it seems you've been battered and left lying on the floor. Anxiety and the depression that sets in sure does lead to severe crying jags. I know, it's done it's job to me too.

Sorry about your best friend, your companion, your dog. Your husband probably doesn't want to hear only because he can't emotionally handle things too well either. Not making excuses for him, just a fact.

First things first...."Don't give your mother permission to hurt you." It took me a long time to take Elinor Roosevelt's advice. The emotional turmoil she left you in has taken it's toll. It is one day at time, don't look at it as a whole new year, bam. For right now, it's given to us in increments.

We're listening to you and we're here for you! God Bless you...

What an amazing --although difficult and hard topic this is. Thanks to you all for opening up having the courage and share your personal stories/lives.
I, too, have to work on the anger I have held against my parents (and deal with the guilt that causes, too) for all those years of psychological and physical abuse; for their absence, lack of respect and abandonment toward us, the children; for what they never taught, showed and told me about life....and more.
I also want to thank God for letting me have all the other wonderful people on my life; all the people who has held my hand and encourage me to keep looking forward. For my kids and my husband who challenge me to be a better me everyday.
I wish everyone has had/still have someone who extend their hand to you as well.
Happy Journey!
Ivonne

I can certainly relate. I grew up in a very dysfunctional home. Anger and resentment was the norm at my house. My parents fought like dogs whenever my Dad was home from being out on the road working.
My Mother couldn't stand much I guess and we kids got on her nerves all the time. She used to beat us something awful. Most of the time she stayed in her room on the phone with one of her friends while we fended for ourselves.
I blamed my parents for my problems for years though I know they were not responsible for all of them. I spent more time not speaking to my Mother or seeing my parents over the years than I did talking and seeing them. Then my Mother became sick and I tried to be there, but we had a fight and again I didn't speak to her. She died last May with us not speaking to each other and I still can't get over it. Dad died six months later. I'm still grieving the loss of them. I get angry at them at times and get hateful, then I break down and cry. They were my parents good or bad and I loved them. My only advice is to try and deal with them the best you can. I know it's hard. If I had another chance I would have tried harder to understand and forgive. I would try and realize they were only human and that maybe the way they were couldn't be helped.

Listen sweetheart, I too used to struggle with maintaining relationships with two of the most toxic, angry, violent people I've ever met in my life, my parents. At the peril of my own sanity, I came to the inescapable conclusions that; 1)a persons biological ability to reproduce does not necessarily mean they should; and 2)inevitably it's impossible to change someone that is set in their ways, but very likely they will continue poisoning you and bring you down into their boat of misery.

God's NOT going to hold it against you or me for finally abandoning the hopeless. Guilt came from Bible verses such as;"Children honor thy mother and father", until I realized it also says;"Fathers provoke not thy sons to anger". I was provoked to Hell and back and back again for 30 years, they haven't changed, and I gotta finally live my ONLY life the right way.

Good luck and do what's right for YOU and your well-being; they've made their bed refusing to relinquish it, so let them lay in it, although their reqretful realizations will probably and sadly come too late, you should have NO guilt over it.