Stress Center Peer Support

Thank you for your reply D. It's not that I have the physical symptoms of anxiety so much anymore it's just that I get depressed that these thoughts stick and I ruminate on them. Second fear, I know, but it doesn't change the fact that I do this and how to actually "accept" and "float" is unclear in Dr. Week's book. I don't worry that I will go insane but I do worry that I will become so depressed about this that I will become suicidal. I have been there before and mental hospitals are no fun. Have you ever been punished for being sick? That's what a state hospital is like around here anyway. That's what I mean about not knowing where I would be without the help of the people on this forum. I obviously do have a problem with self pity and the problem that I have, but I'm working on "accepting" but I am an over-analyzer like pretty much everyone on here and I need more in depth advice than "accept" and "float". I need to hear what one might say to themselves to bring themselves to float when a scary, yet absurd, thought they can't stand is in their head all damn day. I think I've hit on something there, the absurdity, it drives me mad. These thoughts are so absurd that I should be able to see their insignificance, but I'm always asking why, why, why. As far as my illness not being an "IT", only me. I have another problem with that. Do I or do I not have an illness or disorder? I've been diagnosed with everything from GAD, clinical depression, and now some Pure O (OCD). This is my fault? I can't have some self pity because I suffer from any one of these. I understand that I can only put this pity on myself for little bits, but I am human and I have moments of weakness like anyone else. I have learned and applied so much since I recently committed myself to this, and I've been struggling with this for a decade so it's hard not "fight" with everything I have to overcome my condition. I understand what you are saying about letting go as a concept, but I need people like Boon and books like Freedom from Fear by Dr. Liegbold to give me hints on how to to that by telling myself "whatever" or "oh, there's a what if statement" whenever these thoughts keep bombarding me. The ironic part is that this sensitization is more severe than it was the several times I was suicidal and hospitalized, but from my "fighting" and working to do the things everyone talks about on here I have come to understand what I have to do, but you must understand that this acceptance and floating seems to be so counter intuitive to me that I struggle with it alot. I truly appreciate your input and intelligent replies, but to say that you haven't said anything negative makes me think you can't truly empathize with people who haven't recovered the way you have. I hope I'm wrong. PEACE

So you get depressed from ruminating. That's normal. How could you not be depressed by believing all the things you tell yourself.

No, it does not change the fact that you do it. But you know you're doing it, so practice stopping the habit. Worrying that you will become suicidal is normal when you're as sensitized as you are. You worry about everything, all the catastrophic events that your imagination has created. Even though you have no proof that any of this is going to happen. Will you let your imagination ruin your life?

Stop worrying about what to say to yourself and let it come naturally, let go of the tense hold. It's difficult enough for a person to hold tensely onto themselves for a few minutes, you're doing it constantly. Testing, just to make sure you're still sane.

You believe you have an illness, something more than just sensitized nerves. Well, it's not necessarily your fault, anyone can become sensitized at any time. You're prolonging it with the Why? Why? Why? and What if?

Fighting creates more tension. Acceptance doesn't. The concept really isn't that difficult to understand, but it's a bit harder to do. Stop testing yourself, just practice. As I said in my previous post, you can tell yourself whatever you want, "positive self-talk" doesn't help much if you don't believe it. Is that a negative statement? I would say it's the truth. Anyone who recovered using different methods than what I used would still agree with that.

All CBT generally comes back to these concepts.

-The fear inside you is self-created.
-Understanding physical and emotional symptoms.
-Accepting any thought as part of your normal thinking pattern.
-Stop trying to control things not under your conscious control.
-Allow the thoughts to be there.
-Stop adding the What if's..
-Desensitization lies in facing these thoughts no matter what the content.
-Breaking the habit of negative/what if self-talk.

You obviously believe there's more to what you have. There's some deep hidden cause for it. And you've already accepted that facing, accepting and floating won't cure you. So there's really nothing more I can say.

Good Luck!