The Challenge...Lesson 12

[THH]

Mike,thanks for the tip about saving my post. A little late but I'll know next time! Yea I wrote a reply and had a phone call, came back finished the post hit reply and it went where???? I was bummed and to tired to do over!

Paislee, glad you have the cards! I really use mine. Did you already take your trip to see your sister? I'm glad you are doing this program, I think it all helps.

Hope glad you stopped in. Hows your new job going?

Mike,
1)What are some of the resistances to change you find you use now or have used in the past?
For me, Justifying.
I have come up with a thousand excuses for staying in my present behavior. I can have a self - defeating attitude. I need to work on this resistance to change, and that this pattern its self is keeping me from growth!

Procrastination. I do this alot. Just about every chance I can except when it come to house chores like cleaning, shopping, laundry. I'm pretty disciplined to do most chores in a timely way, I just put off things I personally do not want to work on. Like make a life outside of our business. Personal growth, reflection.

Over - analyzing and intellectualizing - Me.

Morals - It is easier to feel that someone or something else is keeping me into a position where I can be taken advantage of and manipulated. YEP...

2)Which of these resistances do I feel I have used or am now using to resist getting over this condition?
All of the above.

3)What concerns me most about changing?
I will have to make a personal life for myself, grow and move forward. I feel vulnerable, child like, afraid of what the future may hold. I think it is a excuse / distraction to stay in my rut. Keep my self isolated. Also it sounds crazy what bad habits I have created to stay here in the anxiety, By being aware of what I am doing by resisting, it can give me a choice to either break the bad habit or hide with it.

Yes it did help thank you. I do now also understand the secondary gains.
I'll move on now in my book and post another question as when I read it the first time I wondered what that meant as well.
( I liked the other smiles better!)

[NinjaFrodo]

It definately appears that you do understand the secondary gains now. I saw that after I read your post and I'm glad to help.

THH and Everybody reading
This next set of questions may help blow you and anybody else out of their rut! If there is only one set of questions you use on a daily basis, I highly recommend you use these ones! They are extremely power, I have put so much into the answers that I am really starting to hate my old coping skills and see the hopelessness in them and the hope in the new ones. It isn't a black and white thing as I'm not 100% motivated to change but i'm pretty high up there. With any new change it takes repetition!

Changing from Old Coping Skills to New Coping Skills

Old Coping skills
Mine are;
Stay up really late at night beyond exhaustion
Avoid people and socialization
Run away from problems
Distract myself using videogames
Obsessively doing 1 task for hours at a time
Focus on body symptoms and dwell on them

Areas that matter the most to me (These would be how you figure out questions to ask yourself and I will suggest that you use the exact same questions for both the old and new coping skills)
Past
1)How has using my old coping skills affected me in the past?

Cognition/Visualization
2)How does my old coping skills affect my cognition, my ability to think, remember and visualize?

Self-esteem/sense of worth
3)How do my old coping skills affect my self-esteem and sense of worth?

Health
4)How does my old coping skills affect my health?

Relationships
5)How do my old coping skills affect my relationships?

Attracting the people who I want in my life
6)How will my old coping skills affect who I attract in my life?

Goals
7)How does my old coping skills affect my goals

Productivity
8)How does my old coping skills affect my productivity?

Motivation
9)How does my old coping skills affect my motivation?

Overall mood
10)How do I feel when I use my old coping skills?

Long term
11)How will my old coping skills affect me long term?

12)Are my old coping skills effective?


New coping skills
Breathing slowly
Calming myself down when I get stressed
Practicing meditation weather that be guided meditation or non-guided
Positive self-talk
Relaxing when it is convenient to do so if i'm getting too overwhelmed and stressed
Facing problems and issues
Getting to bed at a regular time or when i'm tired

Again use the same questions. With both the old and new coping skills I want you to think about your coping skills and then think about the answer to each question. Meaning, after you answer question 1 I want you to thinking about the coping skills again and then answer question 2. This will help to reinforce the link of the question to the coping skills and potentially will help make it more effective.

One thing to expect if you really put your best effort into it, is that you will want to change this habit and you will start to think of ways to do this. You may be more compelled to grab your relaxation cd and use it or go through the workbook and do the exercises. If you are struggling with motivation, this is a great place to get some extra motivation. The lesson cd as well as the workbook are also really good for motivation in this lesson I find.

So I'd like to see what answers you come up for the questions before I give you my answers this time. I'm going to make you work for my input on this one because I really want you guys to overcome the suffering and get to a point where you can enjoy your lives again.




Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

Oh and I wrote in my blog a little bit more on it, definately check it out! I put questions in there for people to figure out if their coping skills for stress are effective or not.

http://ninjafrodo.blogspot.com/2011_02_01_archive.html

[NinjaFrodo]

http://video.msn.com/?mkt=en-CA&from=sp ... f1dd05a2a6 I thought this was pretty cute.

Ok so I realized one of the biggest secondary gains i've gotten from holding onto the anxiety is that I didn't have to take responsibility for my life. I would blame my current situation on my upbringing and the people involved and since I blamed them, I didn't have to take responsibility. It kept me from taking responsibility for my happiness as well as responsibility for my wellbeing. I became dependant and avoided many things.

I did go through the workbook and saw the action assigments. It says to do 2 things you've been avoiding doing and well I picked;
1)Talking to the gym management about membership cost
2)Start to handout resumes and try to get a job.

Well I did #1. I was somewhat nervous but I have been using the relaxation cd as well as guided meditation and mindfulness meditation for the last week or so and I was also calming myself down on the way to face that limitation. I was using my breathing techniques and was focusing on the here and now, I kept saying its just anxiety as well as everything I need is within me now. I spent a good part of the day preparing for that mentally by calming myself down instead of distracting myself. I also went through what I wrote down for the pain-pleasure questions for old coping skills-new coping skills, doubting myself-empowering myself, judging-not judging, basing worth on things-unconditional worth and that helped as well. I put alot of effort into it and it wasn't as scary as I thought it would be. I wasn't as anxious as I imagined myself to be and I got the outcome I expected. I pay alot less for my gym membership now and I feel amazing that I went and did that. I'm going to use that momentum to started doing #2 tomorrow.


Mike

[Paisleegreen]

Wow, I miss everybody, where are you?

[NinjaFrodo]

ya thats what I was wondering too. Must be because of the website going down as much as it has recently.

[THH]

Wow! I today is the first I have been able to get on. I kinda gave up, as so many times it said they were working on the site.
It will take me a day to get my thinking back to taking time to write a post.
Yes, for me my secondary gains are very much like yours Mike. I have chose not to make a life for myself for many reasons. I feel like a little kid much of my life looking to others for leadership. I am my own leader and many I have chosen to look to, it don't work for me. I need to focus on things that I might like to do, where I can help, what I enjoy for the 2nd half of my life. My first 50 years was building,buying, working for the dream of being a home owner having the place where I could have my horses, and room for gardens. I have these things now, and some where along the way I have gotten lost. Technology has replaced so many things that I used to do and make money at as well. I have tried to stay in the past and it don't work for me. I have to embrace the future and change with it, not to fear "whats next" " how can I ever handle it". All these things bring challenge to me. Rather than rise to the challenge I have stayed to myself and hidden. Thinking that I am the only one who feels like this. I have made myself sick with worry and scared myself into panic attacks.
I am working on embracing changes, getting excited that I feel better most of the time. Being positive and catching my self thinking negative, has helped. Many things I have learned in this program I have dissected and figured out how each apply s to me. It is on going and if I want to stay feeling better I must make it a life style. Being thankful for this life and all the things I still have and can do, rather on searching for a safe place with security I have come to realize does not exist, only in ourselves.
I guess this is just reflections more than specific what I am going to work on today.

Mike,
I like the video you posted! It is cute! I liked the message as well.
Hope they have the bugs worked out so tomorrow when I come here its on again!

[Paisleegreen]

Hi THH and Ninja!

Wow, THH--I am like you, I don't like changes either. Plus with technology, always having to learn something new, and my brain isn't the same as it use to be. Definitely the eyes have changed, energy level, hand strength. It is a bit scary for me.

DH and I saw our Therapist today. I was a nervous wreck getting ready to see him. As I was trying to get photos of my sister's property and trailer to show him. So working with DH to get the photo card set up on his computer (mine doesn't take one) then he started picking the pictures sort of randomly, and I wanted to do it. Its my sister! Then I had him show me how to choose the pics and I proceeded, just to click the mouse wrong and thought I lost stuff. So had to get DH to come back into his office and have him try and remember how he got there. So frustrating and taking time. I was very anxious!

But we had a good session and talked about how I agreed to let go of the jacuzzi type bathtub/shower thing. We discussed that on our road trip. We showed the Dr my sister's trailer, he was pretty shocked or amazed. But more interested on how we were getting along and what was good about the road trip and how we could duplicate the good points at home.

Then later DH picked up the Rug Dr so that my son could clean up my LR carpet that he walked on with dirty boots. DH started to work the machine and clear stuff, I definitely was very anxious as we just were discussing my anxiety until we picked up the carpet cleaner.

Anyway, I didn't like the way he was cleaning and he was doing it while I'm on the computer and the soap fumes were bothering me. He yelled at me to go away and other stuff. I finally told him to not talk to me like that. I couldn't understand it.
I was feeling anxious and he was doing more things that brought me more anxiety, I finally went to the other room where my son needed a neck massage.

Then DH quick cleaning. I was relieved, I just don't trust him, he doesn't want to listen to my concerns and what all needs to be done. That is part of our problem, is that I pay attention to details and have my concerns and he ignores them. I wasn't even expecting him to clean the carpet, it was my son's job to do because he made the mess and knew it.

Anyway, this is where I am this week. So hard with the website being down and different. Paislee

[THH]

Ok. Old coping skills:
Making excuses. I need to make a plan of action and take it.
Focus on body symptoms and dwell on them, scaring myself by what ifing. Take the attitude "so what" I feel this or that, see if it gets better by going through the day. Think of body symptoms as I need to have more in my life and take action! Make some new things happen.
Write down some things I have interest in doing, take a class or something social to be doing at least one of them.
Avoiding to express myself at all cost! Not... be assertive when things are being said that are mis representations or something I strongly disagree on when someone is speaking at/to/for me.
Being careful not to feel the need to jump in and fix everyone's problems. I have to work on mine, they can work on theirs. I don't have to lead them esp. when there is not the effort on their part.

My old coping skills, are not the ways that improve my life in any way. They over burdened me with negative, painful experiences that made me feel low in my self esteem, fearful, angry, lack of direction, no growth.
By improving on these skills I am learning to take action, make plans, more positive, I feel healthier more empowered, stronger.

Mike,
As always I like your questions. I can clearly see that old coping skills really are a heavy negative response. This is motivating for sure. I feel optimistic in the mornings and set time aside to think of my day as a whole, I give my thanks, make a plan of what I have to get done, what I want to do as work towards my goals, and get rolling! Many days are easy, others much harder. I do feel better for trying! It seams to satisfy my need for improvement and goal setting.


Pailsee,
Yes these body changes are real! It is scary I agree! My husbands Uncle says " as long as it don't get any worse I can handle this or that " Hes 91! LOL...

Giving up control is very hard! Knowing that "we" are the only ones that know how to do things "right"! I have been working on that one as well. Somethings are not as important as others. I could suggest for me, I evaluate on a scale of 1-10 where this carpet cleaning is. If I think it is a lower no. then I would just leave while they were attempting to fix things. If it is high up there like a 9-10 them I would try to do it myself. Surprising many of the lower things on the scale that I used it on, other people have done the job way better than I could have. Sometimes, I have tryed doing something and had to call the troops in because I could not do it, and again to my surprise things turned out as good if not better if I did it myself. Just a thought from my experience. Also it gets easier the more you do it.
All this computer stuff is a challenge to me as well. My neighbor lady friend and I have been working on learning new things. It has been fun and even though I still don't get so much of it, I am at times starting to catch on. Maybe find a another person out side of your family to learn some stuff together it may put some fun into a frustrating thing!
Keep trying, remember baby steps! We will get there....

[NinjaFrodo]

Paisleegreen
We are still here!

How did you end up coping and getting through meeting with the therapist? What coping skills did you use? Or with the situation with picking out pictures of your sister's property? How do you cope with all the stress you endure on a daily basis as it does seem like there is constant stress. What are the things you do to decrease stress?

And yes it has been harder with the website change.

THH

Reflections are always important and I had no idea that you had a hard time with a social life. This has never come up in conversation at all! I have a similar issue where I just mostly kept to myself and isolated myself, it was not cool. It was part of my coping skills and those coping skills were causing me more stress and anxiety than anything else!!! Crazy how our minds can twist thoughts and ideas and make them seem more helpful when they are more damaging.

Questions are good but you can ask bad questions too that take away form your power. Ie. What-if I can't handle the future? Or what will happen if...., or yours how can I ever handle it? (that one can actually make you look at all the things that would make it difficult to handle).

You need to have more body symptoms?

Thats definately a good reflection of your old coping skills by the way and replacement skills. Awesome and it seems like you are putting more positive focus on the skills too. How do you feel after doing that compared to before?

Sounds like your days are more positive now. You don't just drift in life but actually make goals and strive for them, thats good! I'm doing that too but not as consistently as I'd like, I have many days where I just feel in the dumps and kind of give up to a degree. I think you are further along then I am in that area. I am spending each day looking at the pain-pleasure with my old ways and new ways, it really helps alot.