Posted: Mon May 11, 2009 4:11 am
Ms. T Bones - I read your post and my heart really goes out to you. You have been such source of encouragement for so many on this forum, but it also takes a lot of courage to admit that you yourself are going through some tough issues and are hurting and now need encouragment and support yourself, and I hope you know you have it. Thank you for sharing your story.
I'm sorry that my post is so long, but it is from the heart from one sister in Christ to another. I am sorry that your friend has cancer. I will keep you both in my prayers. I won't go into a long thing about why God allows bad things to happen or illness - I think you know this already, but still when it happens to someone we are close to our emotions take over and we ask "why?". You are hurting for your friend and it is a totally normal reaction and all you can do is call upon the Lord for strength and comfort. But I understand what you are saying - even as a Christian, sometimes we say, "enough already Lord, I've had all I can take for now." You are strong Ms. T and have come such a long way, but it's OK to break down and just cry to the Lord too.
As for the situation with your son, I really feel for the whole situation because it's something I struggled with spiritually over the last year - I myself married young, and not really for the right reasons, and subsequently divorced and when I got right with Lord again I worried a lot that something bad would happen to me over my past mistakes. It took a long journey of prayer, self examination, scripture study and counsel to finally both forgive myself and accept God's forgiveness in this area.
I can't go too much into my personal story, but I can say that if your son can seek some pastoral counseling, that would be most helpful, regardless of whether he continues on this path or not. What I wish I could go back and tell my young self now is that when you marry young before you really have a chance to grow and develop, you have a lot of unreasonable expectations about marriage. Yes, sometimes we marry the wrong people and rush into things. That doesn't mean God can't heal a situation like that. But each person has to be right with God in their own respect before they can even begin to love in a way that is required in a marriage.
I have compassion for your son, but I have compassion for your daughter-in-law as well. It doesn't sound like she grew up in a good situation either and probably didn't receive love herself and therefore has no idea what it means to love or put someone else's needs before her own. The fact that she is a poor housekeeper seems trivial compared to running around drinking and cavorting with other men. It sounds like she grew up in a dysfunctional home and has carried on the patterns she was taught. It is understanding that you would focus on all she has done wrong or her bad qualities to justify your son leaving her, and it may be truly be what is necessary for your son. But also she is lost and needs the saving grace of Jesus to transform her and she needs prayer too. Who is beyond the long arm of the Lord.
That being said, it may not mean your son should stay in a marriage with her though but I also would highly encourage your son not to pursue the relationship with the new girl at this time. He's running purely on emotions and wants to feel good, but it's really very confusing to get into a new relationship so soon. If you could encourage him to just wait on that. Let his relationship with his wife run it's course whatever it may be and if that is divorce, then he will need time to be alone and heal. A new person won't allow him to go through the healing process that he needs to go through. Believe me, I know this from personal experience and regret. If this new girl and him are meant to be, she will be there a year from now.
Also, I really understand what you are saying about worrying that something bad will happen to him or God will be angry with him if he goes through with this, and you are very concerned that if he does divorce, that is under Biblical grounds. But please don't get caught up in the legalism of all that. God is more concerned about the people in the marriage than the institution itself. I don't say this lightly. I've extensively studied all the scriptures regarding divorce and I know it is not God's best for us or His plan. But we fall short of that in so many areas of our life, not just marriage, and that is why He sent a savior to begin with. Yes, it is God's desire for us to marry for life, but it is also his desire that we all are raised in Godly homes where we are taught His ways, and we are definitely not all brought up that way. We bring that into our relationships and we fail at them, and believe me, God understands that. I know you said you brought your son up that way, but it doesn't sound like his wife was and he got into a relationship with her. It was broken to begin with.
Also, on the subject of legalism, remember the context is that Jesus was talking to Pharisees who were challenging him. They wanted to trap Jesus in to taking sides with one rabbi's teaching versus the other. They were discarding their wives for trivial reasons and replacing them with newer models, and they thought they were perfectly justified to do so because they were "lawfully" divorcing and remarrying. Jesus was telling them that their hearts were in the wrong place, regardless if it was lawful and it was akin to adultery. But your son is considering divorce, not for trivial reasons (hopefully), but because your daughter in law is engaging in behavior that is not that of a loyal, committed supportive wife.
Also, even when no adultery is involved we are human and sin and fall short, and sometimes we realize that after the fact in a divorce, and sometimes we know it but we are so clouded by our own hurt and emotions in a divorce situation. For me, I was young and immature and was more concerned about my own personal happiness than what was God's will for me at the time. I knew intellectually that God never wants two people to divorce, but at the time of my divorce I really was thinking more of myself and wasn't living as a true disciple, nor was my then-husband. I know now that we both had to find our true fulfillment from the Lord first before we could ever be anything to each other. We rushed into separation, then new relationships, then divorce and we never even considered giving the Lord time to heal the situation.
Your son is on his own journey of growth. It's wonderful that you raised him in a Christian home and you can continue to guide him, but God will work on him in His own time and His own way. And please don't worry that He will be angry with your son or punish him for this. God is a loving father and I'm sure it just grieves him that this is happening to your son and I'm sure He also loves your daughter-in-law and wants her to be His child as well. I think God is grieving for your son in the same way that your are - as a parent. But think about it - are you shutting your son out in anger or are you trying to help him through this time? Are you "out to get him" because of what he is doing? Of course not and God won't either.
One passage that helped me regarding this issue is after the ever famous verse "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." What many don't read on to is "All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained."
Your son can only live up to what he has attained in his spiritual growth at this time. Even when he married this girl - was he a true believer at the time, was she? They are so young and have so much growing up to do.
I think the best thing you can do is just be there for your son during this time - don't judge him or his wife, but just love them and pray for them. And for yourself, remember that God knows exactly how you feel. He sees his children go through this time and time again, but honestly I think he would rather have two people right with Him, but not together, than together in a relationship that does not glorify Him or where they don't have the right relationship with Him.
Cry out to the Lord as one parent to another and He will meet you there. Just let go and let Him carry you.
Take Care and God Bless.
I'm sorry that my post is so long, but it is from the heart from one sister in Christ to another. I am sorry that your friend has cancer. I will keep you both in my prayers. I won't go into a long thing about why God allows bad things to happen or illness - I think you know this already, but still when it happens to someone we are close to our emotions take over and we ask "why?". You are hurting for your friend and it is a totally normal reaction and all you can do is call upon the Lord for strength and comfort. But I understand what you are saying - even as a Christian, sometimes we say, "enough already Lord, I've had all I can take for now." You are strong Ms. T and have come such a long way, but it's OK to break down and just cry to the Lord too.
As for the situation with your son, I really feel for the whole situation because it's something I struggled with spiritually over the last year - I myself married young, and not really for the right reasons, and subsequently divorced and when I got right with Lord again I worried a lot that something bad would happen to me over my past mistakes. It took a long journey of prayer, self examination, scripture study and counsel to finally both forgive myself and accept God's forgiveness in this area.
I can't go too much into my personal story, but I can say that if your son can seek some pastoral counseling, that would be most helpful, regardless of whether he continues on this path or not. What I wish I could go back and tell my young self now is that when you marry young before you really have a chance to grow and develop, you have a lot of unreasonable expectations about marriage. Yes, sometimes we marry the wrong people and rush into things. That doesn't mean God can't heal a situation like that. But each person has to be right with God in their own respect before they can even begin to love in a way that is required in a marriage.
I have compassion for your son, but I have compassion for your daughter-in-law as well. It doesn't sound like she grew up in a good situation either and probably didn't receive love herself and therefore has no idea what it means to love or put someone else's needs before her own. The fact that she is a poor housekeeper seems trivial compared to running around drinking and cavorting with other men. It sounds like she grew up in a dysfunctional home and has carried on the patterns she was taught. It is understanding that you would focus on all she has done wrong or her bad qualities to justify your son leaving her, and it may be truly be what is necessary for your son. But also she is lost and needs the saving grace of Jesus to transform her and she needs prayer too. Who is beyond the long arm of the Lord.
That being said, it may not mean your son should stay in a marriage with her though but I also would highly encourage your son not to pursue the relationship with the new girl at this time. He's running purely on emotions and wants to feel good, but it's really very confusing to get into a new relationship so soon. If you could encourage him to just wait on that. Let his relationship with his wife run it's course whatever it may be and if that is divorce, then he will need time to be alone and heal. A new person won't allow him to go through the healing process that he needs to go through. Believe me, I know this from personal experience and regret. If this new girl and him are meant to be, she will be there a year from now.
Also, I really understand what you are saying about worrying that something bad will happen to him or God will be angry with him if he goes through with this, and you are very concerned that if he does divorce, that is under Biblical grounds. But please don't get caught up in the legalism of all that. God is more concerned about the people in the marriage than the institution itself. I don't say this lightly. I've extensively studied all the scriptures regarding divorce and I know it is not God's best for us or His plan. But we fall short of that in so many areas of our life, not just marriage, and that is why He sent a savior to begin with. Yes, it is God's desire for us to marry for life, but it is also his desire that we all are raised in Godly homes where we are taught His ways, and we are definitely not all brought up that way. We bring that into our relationships and we fail at them, and believe me, God understands that. I know you said you brought your son up that way, but it doesn't sound like his wife was and he got into a relationship with her. It was broken to begin with.
Also, on the subject of legalism, remember the context is that Jesus was talking to Pharisees who were challenging him. They wanted to trap Jesus in to taking sides with one rabbi's teaching versus the other. They were discarding their wives for trivial reasons and replacing them with newer models, and they thought they were perfectly justified to do so because they were "lawfully" divorcing and remarrying. Jesus was telling them that their hearts were in the wrong place, regardless if it was lawful and it was akin to adultery. But your son is considering divorce, not for trivial reasons (hopefully), but because your daughter in law is engaging in behavior that is not that of a loyal, committed supportive wife.
Also, even when no adultery is involved we are human and sin and fall short, and sometimes we realize that after the fact in a divorce, and sometimes we know it but we are so clouded by our own hurt and emotions in a divorce situation. For me, I was young and immature and was more concerned about my own personal happiness than what was God's will for me at the time. I knew intellectually that God never wants two people to divorce, but at the time of my divorce I really was thinking more of myself and wasn't living as a true disciple, nor was my then-husband. I know now that we both had to find our true fulfillment from the Lord first before we could ever be anything to each other. We rushed into separation, then new relationships, then divorce and we never even considered giving the Lord time to heal the situation.
Your son is on his own journey of growth. It's wonderful that you raised him in a Christian home and you can continue to guide him, but God will work on him in His own time and His own way. And please don't worry that He will be angry with your son or punish him for this. God is a loving father and I'm sure it just grieves him that this is happening to your son and I'm sure He also loves your daughter-in-law and wants her to be His child as well. I think God is grieving for your son in the same way that your are - as a parent. But think about it - are you shutting your son out in anger or are you trying to help him through this time? Are you "out to get him" because of what he is doing? Of course not and God won't either.
One passage that helped me regarding this issue is after the ever famous verse "I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus." What many don't read on to is "All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained."
Your son can only live up to what he has attained in his spiritual growth at this time. Even when he married this girl - was he a true believer at the time, was she? They are so young and have so much growing up to do.
I think the best thing you can do is just be there for your son during this time - don't judge him or his wife, but just love them and pray for them. And for yourself, remember that God knows exactly how you feel. He sees his children go through this time and time again, but honestly I think he would rather have two people right with Him, but not together, than together in a relationship that does not glorify Him or where they don't have the right relationship with Him.
Cry out to the Lord as one parent to another and He will meet you there. Just let go and let Him carry you.
Take Care and God Bless.
