Stress Center Peer Support

Posted: **Fri Jul 02, 2010 5:31 am**

I feel like you do...i'm clueless as well... please somebody help us.

Originally posted by Belmisen:
Hi everybody!

I am a 21-yearold girl/woman who has been dealing with anxiety and panicattacks since april last year. I have tried everything there is on the market - therapy, CBT, internet-based CBT, antidepressives (HATED THEM!!) and I have also read Lucindas book and listened to the program, but not finnished it.

A while ago I finnished my one year-therapy with my terapheut (CBT) and I felt better. i did not feel great, I did not feel good but at least I felt OK. But now theese scary feelings are back. I am losing hope... this will never ever go away.

My number one concern are the feelings of unreality. The depersonalization. I do not feel any connection to myself at all. I have been reading some on the website and people who seem to suffer with anxiety/dp seem to get theese "unreality"-attacks once in a while. But I am in a CONSTANT unreal state!! I feel like I am going crazy. How can you be "normal" and not feel like you know who you are?! I am constantly afraid of myself and I can not bear to be alone. I would give an arm or a leg just to loose this horrible feeling. Can this be the start of a severe mental illness? Will I end up in a mental hospital? I feel like I have no control over me. I have no idea how I manage to chew, pick up the phone or do all theese "automatic" things. I feel like I am trapped in my own body. I feel like such a stranger to myself.

I have felt theese horrible feelings more or less every day the last year. I almost do not remember the time when I did not have anxiety. All I think about is my anxiety. I have like little dialogues with myself and use different arguements that this is/is not a mental illness. This is/is not ever going to stop. It is like I am smiling for one minute, and crying the other. It is really nervewrecking to constantly think about the SAME thing ALL THE TIME. I am soooooo sick and tired of this. I do not want to dwell on it anymore. I want to think about trips, shopping, boys and parties. Or WHATEVER. Just not the same thing over and over again. I have lost control of myself. I can not focus on anything anymore without thinking and feeling anxious.

I feel like such a failure. I have tried everything that is supposed to "cure" this, but nothing worked. So this is how my life will look like... just great. If this is the way it is going to be I do not want to live. But I am to scared of death.

I also have theese STUPID existential and philosophic thoughts that are really bugging me. I think they are connected to the feelings of unreality. Who am I, what is life, who are all theese people and so on. I really do not care about this, but it still pops up in my mind.

Please, somebody write me womething. Anything. I can not take this anymore. I feel so alone.

Best wishes,

Belma

Posted: **Fri Jul 02, 2010 6:25 am**

When i'm in the supermarket or the bank, I usually think about what if I were to rob them. I always feel dirty when I talk to people, like there is a serial killer or bank robber inside of me. It's all I can focus on, and leaves me unable to enjoy the day.

Posted: **Fri Jul 02, 2010 1:00 pm**

Hello,

Reading your comments, I actually had to read your name twice because I thought for sure that I had written it!!!! I so understand what you are expressing and what you are feeling.

I started this journey back in December 09 and I really thought I was going to die. My heart started racing like I was at the Kentucky Derby. I was scared out of my mind. It has been a very expense journey, between all of the ER bills, therapist, medical stays and doctor visits, I have over $12,000 in medical bills and I do have insurance. Where is the health reform when you need it?

I just wanted you to know that as with the other comments you are not alone!!!! I have met some wonderful people on here on this forum and through the chat room.

Please never give up and take baby steps. If you ever need a listening ear, please send a message and I promise to repond. Take care and remember you are not alone!!!!

Posted: **Sun Jul 04, 2010 7:52 pm**

Hi everybody!

Thank you so much for your replies, you have no idea how much it means to me. To know that I am not alone and to hear from others that they struggle witht the same thing is comforting. Not that I wish anybody had it, but it makes it more "normal" when I am not the only one.

I have not had a full blown panic attack in maybe 4-5 months. Lucindas book, the CBT and the program helped me a lot. Also Claire Weekes book "Hope and help for your nerves" was helpful. I have a feeling that I have already "done" what is supposed to help me. I have read the litterature, I have done the work and I have gotten a LONG way. Before I couldnt imagine myself taking the bus or train alone. or even sleeping by myself. But now I have found a great job that is in a town nearby my. I ride both the bus and take the train to get there and I even manage to sit in the dining room (it can be kind of scary to sit in a small place where there are a lot of people). I am soon about to graduate and get my degree. I have even started to drive our car again (though never without my dad sitting beside me). But it is still better than before!

I feel like I am really tired of this condition and I am honeslty doing my very best to be better. I an struggling every day. But I feel lately like I am waking up every day and just living and waiting for that day when this will go away. This feeling I have inside of me. I have gotten better, but it all feels like it can crash anytime. Like all of this hard work and energy will be for nothing. That I will end up where I was before. I live in a constans unreal state and I have big troubles with being alone. I hate the feelings of not feeling my own body. It is like I am in my own memory, or in a dream. It is real hard to enjoy my life while feeling this way. It is a really, really scary feeling. How can I enjoy my life when I do not feel connected to myself? Every emotion I feel feels like it is fake. It is like I do not know where I am. Like I have lost myself or something. I dont know, maybe I have felt this such a long time that is has become permanent?

I just get by the days with a tension. I am always on my guard and just waiting for the mosnter to strike me. I do not want to live like this anymore. I am really sick and tired of this. How can I make it go away? And CAN I make it go away?

Posted: **Sun Jul 04, 2010 8:59 pm**

Yes, you can get through this. And it sounds like you're off to a very good start. You understand the concepts and are putting them into action. That's the real key. It's not allowing your fears to stop you from doing the things you want to do.

Keep up with your driving and other activities that cause you anxiety. The more you do it, the easier it becomes. There will be setbacks and that's OK. You just pick up where you left off. Over time, what happens is that you lose the internal fear. As that happens, you stop worrying about what might happen and that halt the cycle of anxiety before it even starts. Sometimes we resort back to our old ways of thinking and fall into our bad habits. That's the time to recognize our negative thoughts or behaviors and correct them immediately.

You will make it. Keep up the good work and reap the rewards.

Jamie

Stress Center Peer Support

PLEASE HELP ME!!!