Stress Center Peer Support

Paislee, you do a very nice job re specifics on technology. For me it is perhaps more instinctual than factual. My children are grown, none of this existed when they were growing up and I'm thankful for that. Life seemed less complicated. What happens to a person's attention span, thinking, focus, communion with self, with nature, with reading, with silence, if there is a near perpetual need for something, someone else?

Sure don't presume to know any answers. Maybe it is all for the good. Time will tell.

Hope your cold stays behind in 2010 and you and your family and everyone here has a Happy, Healthy 2011.

So sorry to hear this....some advice we were given by our pastor befor we got married was it is okay to have friends as long as friends of one spouse can be friends with the other. The other thing is is that when you are in a computed relationship with someone you really should be careful of be too emotionally supportive of the opposite sex it puts temptation there and a lot of affairs do happen this way because two people connect on intimate emotional connections which never were intended to happen.

If this gentleman really needs extra support he should be getting the support from both you ANC your wife together or from someone else all together. Again nothing wrong with having friends of opposite sex it just needs to be very open and okay with everyone in the picture. Your wife should understand this and I am sure she will.

I am sure you have nothing to worry about at all but your wife shouldn't be hiding it either even if it dies hurt your feelings. Her being open and honest with you about it all will keep you both happy .

Anxiety seems to make us worry the worst. Definitely pray for some peace and rely on the fact that you have an amazing wife who loves you and wants to be with you!!!!

I apologize that I have not reviewed or posted in a week or so. I am just sitting down to read these posts as I have been dealing with my issues.

To SoWhatIf

Thank you for your kind words. We have had a few heart-to-hearts about this situation and from what I can tell, everything we have now spoken of has been truthful and everything is out in the open. I have apologized to her for going behind her back to get much of the information after the initial shock. I'm not sure if most would have done the same, but, I did access some of her stuff and found nothing that should have ever concerned me. As it is her friend lives out of state.

Initially she was hiding the time-line after I first approached her with all this. My wife and I had a couple of good cries as we discussed our feelings of the situation and for each other. She has never intended to hurt me, but has always known that this friend was someone I considered a thorn in my side. Based on how long they actually dated and one weekend together when we broke up over 12 years ago I believe I get a little carried away. There is at least one person she dated longer during our breakup than even this guy, but, they are not friends today. I am not exactly sure how I would react if he suddenly appeared, but I am confident today she would not hide him or anyone else.

I've realized a lot, through all this she did not lie to me, though she was hiding the information. I never asked if she was talking to him over the course of time (before finding out). She knows me better than anyone. She was trying not to cause me stress and anxiety over someone she considers a friend. I believe now everything she says. She has apologized countless times as I dealt with my issues, she has promised to never hide anything again. She has told me that if/when he reaches out to her again she will let me know.

We discussed her cutting him off, she said she chose me, but I also told her not to cut him off. I said there are so many medium's today to reach out that I would always suspect he was communicating with her. Easier to accept it than to try and make her reject him. She also agreed and said that she could cut him off, and follow through, but knows that I would always question it. It's my makeup, it's who I am. It's easier to accept that I know about him than wonder about him.

To think I felt this was enough to leave my marriage was just my anxiety talking. I was so upset, I want to think it felt like I was cheated on, but, at least as far as I know I have never been cheated on, so I go with betrayed, though that may be a little harsh.

Again SoWhatIf the crazy thing is, other than dating for 3 months in her Senior year of HS and that one weekend during our 6-month break they have been phone/internet friends and yet I was ready to throw it all away.
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To Momof2CuteBoys

Thanks for your response. I worry about emotional connections too, but she has assured me that she thinks of him as only a friend. They do not speak that often. As I said above she will tell me when they speak next and during this entire chapter in our lives she has not heard from him. She said, "I understand it is hard for you to believe, but we have not spoken, this is how we are, talk for a bit and disappear."

She said through all the years they have talked, it was not until we broke up that she ever reached out to him. He was the one who called or IM'd (when that became possible) her. She said after we broke up, she thought maybe there was something, a reason that he kept reaching out, she would go out there to see him, to see if there was a connection. While I made this weekend a big topic of our discussions recently, (trouble letting go of the past) I finally came to realize that this weekend was the best thing to ever happen to us. I believe she went out there and the spark was missing, it wasn't what she thought. Though she initially thought about moving out there to be with him, she said she was dreaming. She said face-to-face they were always a little awkward, but she said she thought if she moved out there they could work past that. At that time she was searching for something. During this time she and I had not been speaking but I realize shortly thereafter she had begun reaching out to me.....she came to my house and put a birthday card in my truck, started to e-mail me that I had forgotten about her...after months of being apart, it was as if she was finally missing me.....the story goes on for a bit, we went back and forth, but, there was one night when she realized it was all crazy. He had written her a letter. She could move out there, but she would have to get her own place, fend for herself, they would date and see if it was right....she called me that night and I comforted her. I won't say she was heart broken, but she felt like she was trying to put a plan in place and she was without one again...told her no matter what I would be there for her....it took a few months, but one night I asked he to be my girl again.....she said, "Yes, but realize I am not coming back just to be your girlfriend, I'm coming back forever if that is what you want too." It wasn't a formal engagement, but I knew what it meant...we were engaged 4 months later!! I guess the rest is history - 2 kids, a house, 10+ years of a happy marriage....

She said to me during all this, I said before we broke up, before it all you weren't happy...she said no, things had gotten crazy...family stress (mine) had interfered with things, we had drifted and she was scared. I asked about her plan when we broke up and she said she did not have one, the plan had been to be happy and get married to me....so when we broke up she had no plan and began searching.....her search led her back to me and she says she is thankful that....she knows moving far away from family was wrong, but she wanted to have a plan....

I've promised to let the past go now, not to use it in our arguments. I have done that before...I use it maybe to make myself feel better. She says I have let go of your past, please let go of mine. We are together, we are happy, I don't want my past thrown up in my face....we know everything about everything.....but she says when I use it against her she wishes I wouldn't. It is her past and she has left it there....and I need to do the same. We are a team, a couple, we are soulmates.

As for him and I being "friends" on any sort of level, I considered this. He has told her he thinks it is pretty silly that she could not tell me they were talking, however, my friends (some of them girls) have told me if I am not ready to hear what he has to say (for good or bad, true or false) I am best to leave well enough alone. At this point my wife said she did not think she was going to tell him I knew, since I found out through obviously crazy methods...but, I am not sure how I feel about that. I am sure it could be explained w/o all the above drama, but I also think to myself if he knows that I know, maybe he will reach out more, which I certainly don't want.

I also have friends online who are girls, who I even dated...and my wife is friends with a couple of them, but doesn't give anything a second thought. She said I stopped being jealous years ago because I know you love me.....if she can accept my friendships, I need to learn to accept hers as well. If I tell her not to talk to him, then I would have to do the same. The people I speak with I can live with or without, but I wouldn't want to be told to chose either. So, I accept it, for what it is and put my faith in my wife.

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I feel as if I have gone off topic here, but this is how far we have come since my initial posting. I am foolish for doubting my wife. I've never had a reason not to trust her and I still don't.

While I still get some crazy thoughts in my head, I am hanging in there, I try to take a negative thought and replace it with positives when it does happen....I have a cluttered mind and I am working on it......the sooner I can put her past to rest, so can she.

I have taken this as a positive and so has my wife. We have been communicating more than we had, life gets in the way...kids, family, work, life, up and downs...we now are making time to sit on the couch and talk....we have been more intimate, we have been more in love.....I think I took it for granted, the twinkle in her eyes never went away, but I had stopped looking....now I see it and I fall in love each day all over again!

Thanks for reading, thanks for writing....I'm going to be OK...we are going to be OK. The journey is long, but I've decided it's time to Live for the Moment - it will take a little while to be fully be ready to do this, but I try each day to live this way!

Engine, Thanks for shareing yourself. It has taken me several years to rearrange my puzzle so all the pieces fit. Some I can say are damaged and show the wear and tear.
The amazeing part I find is that how much our interactions and assumptions wreek havoc, and that in realizing some changes we can so easily make in our outlook that brings things to light of we do not know what we don't know.
It does sound as if your on your way to some much needed inner peace.
An old saying is , Happy Trails to you.

SoWhatIf,

I sure am trying!! Some days are harder than others. I keep anticipating when they have their first chat and she tells me they spoke. I need to remain calm.

If she tells me, it helps the healing process for then I know she is being truthful....so, it will all work itself out.

I have several girls I chat with and she never blinks an eye, so, I really was saying "Do as I say, not as I do" when I really thought about it.

Ironically your handle SoWhatIf is what I do a lot.

What if he came here, what if you left me, what if you didn't love me, what if the grass was blue, etc.......

My wife says the What If questions are pointless. Need to live for the moment. She does have a BA in Psychology and is a teacher..... (she also has a masters in something) so she is no dummy!! LOL

Hi Engine2--I'm glad things are working out for you and your wife.

Now on a different note...this is about your signature quote. My father was involved in our finances early in our married life which brought on many weekly discussions about how my husband was running our business. When they were in the midst of an argument and my husband was backed into a corner, he would tell my father, "If you keep hitting a dog, he's going to bite back." and my father replied, "Well, then I would get another dog."

Totally missing the point DH was making about the weekly onslaughts of verbal abuse in the name of "discussion" or "business meetings".

I just had to add this as a point that some people just don't get it or have a different view of things, which doesn't have anything to do with what you are talking about. The saying about the dog has great meaning, but didn't phase my Dad at letting him know he was being offensive or his manner of communicating or building relationships was not working. :p Ah...memories... Paislee

Engine do not feel lonely in the uneasyness.
The one thing that has helped me the most is to be more pliable instead of my ridged nature.
She may not blink, bet your paycheck she "notes" it in her mind. That is a female intuition or for that matter male, but also except the females nurturing nature is more atuned to keeping track than our must know the facts basis of issues.

I want to caution that you do not be on gaurd for verifacation. She can read from your body language, such that similar as a dog knows your emotions before you can react. I hope you understand what I am trying to say.

Honesty and trust can not be easilly hidden.
Disguised maybe for awile, a womens intuition is right up there with a dogs nose. About ten thousand times keener than ours.

You mention she is a Teacher, that means she is trained to identify your weaknesses.
In your own mind try thinking your the teacher not the student and stop accepting it is allways you at fault. Bless ya.

Paislee great point about your father. My take would be your father was testing or maybe a better word would be sparring to strengthen your hubbys points. It is more a man thing by nature. It could also have been he thinks his way is the only or best way. We can be mule headed at times.