Stress Center Peer Support

Oh man...talk about issues. Sex is a serious issue.

My spouse is a Narcissist, Borderline Personality Disorder with a Madonna Complex. He only recently started seeing a therapist for either. But he only decided to go when I said I had e-e-NUFF...I am ashamed to say, 18yrs of enough.

The day I told him I was pregnant, it was like flipping off a light switch and my husband walked out and another man walked in. He suddenly lacked empathy, remorse, guilt, laughter and intimacy; he distanced himself from anything sexual with me. Now, I repeat "anything sexual with me", he became self-absorbed and lived in his head with his fantasy women and didn't care if I walked in on him, at all. In fact I wonder if that wasn't part of the thrill. But I wasn't thrilled...I was broken hearted by his behavior.

I had an infant to care for and I am disabled, so staying with him or going wasn't an option for me...I couldn't work to feed us. It was so easy for others to say "just leave him and start new"...I barely had the strength to get through one day and sometimes a few minutes at a time. When my child was six months old I went into severe psychotic post-partum depression and exhausted by my life, I was hospitalized because I was dangerous to my son and to myself. It took me a week to remember my name!

Don't get me wrong, I am NOT blaming the PPDP on my spouse...circumstances and backgrounds have to be just right for this to occur. I just happened to be in the 3% of the female population who acquire it. But I am saying that his care and support would have been welcome for recovery from it. Instead, I felt dirty for wanting intimacy and needing sex from someone I loved. He was too busy with himself to pay attention that anything was wrong with me, until it was nearly too late...and it nearly cost me my life. Fortunately an "angel" intervened and had me hospitalized.

But enough of that, Sex is still an issue. I am at the point that I wonder just who it is he believes he is touching...me, his mother or the wicked step-mother or his dream girl. Sounds like a good melodrama for T.V. I think, but just for the record I am perfectly fine with sexual fantasy, in its place. In fact, when the story gets on T.V. I want Tom Sellac to play the role of my spouse! LOL

Some days are harder than others. Today is one of those days. I am counting every wrinkle, every age spot...being mean to me by saying "well hell, no wonder the man doesn't want you, you're old...uninspiring and used up". I am having a hard time with mirrors...there seem to be less of the Beautiful days for me now. I have even used used the old tape..."you could have found someone else" though I know I did what I had to at the time. But now my son is 18 yrs old, I am still disabled and suffering from PTSD with Stress/anxiety and Depression. All my husband's behavior of his disease has made me "gun shy" and I am into the "what-if it is just that I am old and used up"...

So sex is truly an issue for me.

herebedragons

Sigh...I forgot to untick the Notifications off button so I could read comments on this thread. Ah well...

herebedragons

Hello Herebedragons.

Hey, don't beat yourself up. You are not old, ugly, used-up, or any of those other things. The fact is is that there are a lot of perverted men - and women out there, but I think more men. He could have been like this before but hadn't shown it before now because he didn't have a reason to.

I have a normal sex drive but my boyfriend is a pervert too. He denies it though. It really is a problem they have. it's kind of like being a sex addict without having sex with different people. They use books and videos. My boyfriend denies it; but because Iknow so many of them, I know that i'm right. I know the signs, and it's like any addiction, they need help.

It's easy for him to be preverted because we don't live together. He wanted us to move in together but I said no. The reason is that I don't want to deal with that.
They are usually not cheaters, they just have this weird, vivid, and perverted imagination, and regular stuff is not always enough for them.

One day I went to his apartment to use his computer and I was bombarded by sex-everywhere!!! With any click I made, something sexual would appear. He was so embarrassed that he got mad at me, claiming that I was spying on him.

That's his problem; not yours. You are not the one that needs to get help.

Take care. DeeDee.

DeeDee,
Ok, I think I have a similar problem. I have this "friend with benefits." Usually, we just have regular sex, but lately he keeps trying to get me to do freaky stuff. Stuff that is out of my comfort zone and causing me anxiety. I have been successful at putting it off so far, but I'm afraid that he's going to surprise me or talk me into it. I have been assertive with him about this but he keeps coming back at me with where's your sense of adventure crap. Any advice?

Hi Jugray.

Stand your ground and say NO if you are uncomfortable with it, because it will only get more outrageous. My boyfriend use to suggest weird stuff and at one time I use to go along with it because it was fun to me, but then it would be a little more strange every time. I had to have a talk with him, because you can only get so weird with me before I have to break up with you. It's not hard for me to break up with someone. I'd do it in a minute if I thought i'd have to live my life uncomfortably.

Talk to him and make sure you express your feelings totally. Don't leave anything out. He needs to know how you feel. And if he can't make some adjustments, then he has to go.

You have enough to deal with. You don't need to be caught up in his twisted world of weirdness.

DeeDee.

Thank you DeeDee!

When you're in the down and out from depression and anxiety, one of the last things you want to do is give yourself mind, heart, body and soul to someone, even if he/she knows you're going through it. I mean, I don't want to talk on the phone, answer the door, write a letter, or anything where I have to interact with other people.
My ex dealt with this and let his mind take over, so he had performance anxiety. At the time, I was "normal" and had the wants and desires. That's part of why we failed. We couldn't meet in the middle. Realize that it went on for 11 years. No laughing, but I'm not ashamed anymore to say that on our wedding night, it almost didn't happen- only after Larry King Live was over. The nhe added other programs so I was asleep when "he was ready" which was a mask for the fact that he was avoiding it.
Now, we have fun with it. No laughing again, but we have a jar where we put a dollar each time so on our anniversary we have money to eat out and go to the movies together. We're on our third year and haven't had to resort to Blockbuser and McDonald's yet. SMILE!

Dee Dee, I think you're over-generalizing and might be scaring the men a bit. I don't agree that all men have twisted minds. I think that a lot of our issues around sex come from what we were taught as children / adolescents.

My husband was raised in the most amazing family and he is very well adjusted. Does he think about other women? I suppose, but he doesn't look at porn on a regular basis or 'need' it because his sexual outlook is very well adjusted. His sex drive isn't huge, but he looks at sex in such a healthy fashion - it's part of our relationship.

I'm more likely to fantacize because of my 'pre-conceived notions' of what sex should be. That it should be perfect, amazing, people who look perfect, etc. It has taken me time to get past those thoughts and accept that nothing in life is perfect, sometimes it just IS and it is wonderful when we accept what it is instead of wishing for something else.

So, I don't think we want the men on the site to think that there is an opinion that all men have twisted minds sexually. I also don't think we want the men to think that if they are experiencing guilt or different behaviours that it's wrong or strange. If someone is doing something sexually to another that isn't consentual, is hurtful or desired - that's where problems lie. Not what the folks here are chatting about.

I had a boyfriend (or two!) that have the same sort of behaviours as yours, but I'm thankful to say that I've also had boyfriends (and two husbands!) who aren't like that. Like I say, I think it has more to do with upbringing, pressure and our stupid condition than a 'male mind' issue.


Ronda

Interesting thread and posts. I have a different sort of problem in that I am so anxious and uncomfortable that the last thing I want to do is have sex with my fiancee. In fact, I feel ashamed, dirty, irritated, and grossed out when he makes little advances toward me. This makes me feel even more worthless and lame because I am letting him down and he might as well find someone else, etc etc, and then it just spirals from there. I often hope he'll just forget about it or "take care of it" and leave me alone. I'm terrified that I'll be a bad wife, and ultimately a bad person because of this. I know he looks at porn and it makes me feel even worse- more insecure, inadequate, anxious, and makes me want to shut him out. Funny how sex turns us all inside out in different ways

Cuttingirl: I am that EXACT same way. I thought that I was alone. I feel disgusted at sex and sometimes i do it even though I am not in the mood and its just awkward and uncomfortable. I hate it. and I don't know what to do!!