I think that to tell a child that they are better than everyone else, that they are more intelligent, more capable, etc.,
in comparison to other people, gives a child the wrong baromemter with which to gauge and measure themselves and may give them a "false" sense of superiority. But to tell a child that they are special, unique, capable, intelligent, etc. does not compare them to others but merely communcates to the child that they have worth and capability which is unique to them. It's what a child has to have in order to function and face hardship, both as a child and as an adult.
Healthy self-esteem is not dependent upon performance, in my opinion. Being overly dependent upon performance and achievement creates a false identity, in my opinion, not who we really are, out of touch with ourselves.
IF we have healthy self-esteem and respect for ourselves, when we face challenges on the job, in relationships, or whatever, we will have the internal strength to face the struggle and deal with it effectively, and still respect and think well of ourselves no matter the outcome. But if we don't have that type of emotional stability and things don't go our way, we may crumble eventually, believing a lie that we have little worth or capability as a result of how the situation turned out for us.
I can identify with what you are saying because it has happened to me as well. As a child I was average. In high school, for whatever reason, everything went my way it seemed. I was in the national honor society all four years, dated a beautiful girl until I graduated, achieved honors in a sport and helped lead a team to a state tournament, was president of the honor society my senior year. This gave me a false sense of self and I "expected" from here on to excel in whatever I did. When I got out into the real world my performance wasn't as good as some and I began to doubt myself. I've struggled for much of my adult life.
What I believe I have learned about myself and the world is that growing up I was over protected. I wasn't allowed to fight and struggle on my own but my parents decided for me, did things for me, until I reached age 18 or so. Then they said, "Ok, we've done our part, now it's time for you to fly from the nest". But if you don't try and fly while still in the nest and get those wings strong, when you try and fly once you're an adult those wings will not initially support and sustain you. Over protection can cripple a child so that they grow up emotionally crippled, dependent upon others for their own self esteem. They don't derive their emotional strength from within themsleves, but they look outside themselves for it. They are like a person with bi-polar disorder. One day they're up because their performance was good, or someone was please with them, the next day they're down because their performance was bad or someone was displeased with them. They are overly dependent upon their circumstances [external factors] for their self-esteem and self-worth.
This was and still is me to a degree and that may or may not be why I have been diagnosed over the years with bi-polar disorder. I don't about the bi-polar, but I do know about being protected as a child and being over dependent. That's how I grew up.
But, thanks to the program and exercise I've learned new skills which I'm still trying to practice and get a handle on sometimes. These skills plus physical exercise pulled me out of a deep hole of depression and healed me of moderate anxiety. They've enabled me to more objectively look at my life and my failures and still have a healthy respect and esteem for myself becaue the esteem is not dependent upon my past, present, or future performance. All we can do is try and give it our best shot, we can not control the outcome.
My son, inspite of some mistakes I made, is doing well. He's 24. I have my wife to thank for much of the reason, but I spent an enormous amount of time with him as a child up until he was about 14 years old. I was concerned about him and I didn't want him to face the same emotional pain I did. This was before I got the program. All the time he was growing up I was reading books on self esteem. Even though I didn't feel "good enough" to be a parent, the one thing I thought at the time that I missed in my childhood was adequate parental involvement and the amount of time my parents spent with me.
I was right about that. My parents were always working. With the exception of playing little league baseball [my dad was coach of our team], I still feel that I grew up pretty much on my own as far as either of my parents playing games with me, helping me with homework, or telling me how smart or capable I was. What they did do was try and protect me and do things for me. I don't remember ever being disciplined for not cleaning up my room or making my bed. My Mother attempted to get me to make my bed by paying me money for doing it. That didn't last long with me. I was overly shy. I didn't initiate asking a girl out on a date in high school. The girl initiated it and I took it from there. I was afraid of rejection. My Mother found a job for me at age 16, I didn't go out and get it. After the girlfriend dropped me after I graduated, I came down with panic atacks. After that a college coach calls me and asks me to tryout for a college basketball team. On the way there I'm struggling with panic attacks. My Mother decides "I'm not capable" of making the trip and we come back home.
What's the significance of what I've just described? Enmeshed boundaries. I don't know where I end and my parents begin. I didn't realize at the time that I had the right to make my own decisions. A lot of "stuff" goes into how we turn out as adults. If our parents show belief and faith in us all along the growing up years, by what they say and how they behave, we stand a good chance of being healthy emotionally. But, there are no guarantees.
I'm sorry for what's happened to you, Doogiet. But, I suspect there's alot more to it than what you have described. In order for us to face failure and life struggles, we have to believe in ourselves and believe that we are capable to solve our problems, which requires a healthy, positive mind set and healthy emotions. If we stop believing in ourselves, how capable we are, how intelligent we are, how unique we are, we will probably turn on ourselves and become our own worst enemy. It's not the circumstances so much that cause emotional pain, it's how we choose to think about the circumstances, whether we have the internal tools to deal with whatever comes our way. I apologize for the length of this post.
Pecos said it all when she said:
Sorry you've obviously had some disappointments in life. We all do. The difference in how we manage is how we perceive these.
