Someone please reassure me. (HOCD)

bellarosa · Post by **bellarosa** » Fri Feb 20, 2009 3:52 pm

Yes, this is another HOCD post. I know I probably don't need to make one when other people have the same problem as I do...but I'll feel better for a minute or two doing this.

I'm seventeen, and I've been quite boy crazy all my life. I've had boyfriends, celebrity crushes, all that.

I had my first bout of HOCD when I was 14. I had a dream I had was with my best friend, and I was afraid what the dream really meant. I was in agony an entire summer, but my boyfriend helped me get through a lot of that.

Now, I've had this second bout of obsession for nearly a year. It's been the worst year of my life. I've come close to suicide, and my highs and lows are nearly intolerable to everyone I care about.

My best friend said that I had to be attracted to women because I'm attracted to men who wear eyeliner, lipgloss, ect. That's what triggered me. I tried to shake it off, and now this is crippling me.

I'm afraid to leave my house, going to school is terrible because I'm constantly staring at girls to make sure that I don't find them attractive. I've started to check myself by imagining myself in bed with my friends. As you can imagine, I've become extremely awkward around them. My friends constantly pretend they are lesbians and put these thoughts into my head. They were commenting yesterday on how there is a pretty bisexual girl at school, and if I were gay I should date her because she stares at me. I can see that this girl is very pretty. Anyone can see that. But now, I've somehow got this thing nagging at me saying that I want her. I don't want to want her. I never thought this UNTIL they said that. This is what is freaking me out more than anything.

I feel so unlike myself. It's so disgusting and shameful, especially because I am a Christian. I found out that HOCD exists last week, and I started feel better. Now, I'm telling myself that HOCD is just my way of staying in denial. I finally told my mother about this, and she said that she'd take me to therapy in two weeks if I don't get better.

I'm doubting that I will get any better, but I'd really like to so she doesn't have to waste money on me like that.

Someone please say something that will ease my mind.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Fri Feb 20, 2009 4:35 pm

Bellarosa,

You're not gay. Do you know how many people have these same thoughts. My therapist told me that the "gay" thought is the most common one. I now it's scarey, but so many people with OCD have this thought. I had it now I worry about my son being gay, he is only 6. I have posted a couple of times on here about it. I would go for therapy, you're not wasting your mom's money. Go back and read some of the old postings, I mean really old ones and you will see how many times this comes up. You're ok. Try to change you'e thought with something else. Like "oh my gosh, what if I join the circus or what if I die my hair pink. It works for me. I would confide in you're mom if she is understanding, and stop confiding in your friends. That is just cruel of your friends, that is not nice at all. I am also a christian, I will pray that God brings you peace. Hope this helps. Feel free to private message me if you need someone to talk to.
It's ok, you will be fine.

lost but lookin · Post by **lost but lookin** » Fri Feb 20, 2009 5:57 pm

Hey
I think your friends are doing this to you because they know as well as you do deep down you are not gay. If they truly belived it they wouldnt tease you. It will pass. Just dont give it so much attention. Take it for what it is. Just a thought. Everyone has them. We just take them a little to seriously. You will be fine. When ever the thought comes in just say to yourself. "This is just a thought everyone has this thought. The only reason it keeps coming back is because I am scared of it. I no longer fear it because I know who I am"
I would also try to talk to someone professionaly. That may help you understand it and get through it. Good Luck!! I wish you the best.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sat Feb 21, 2009 5:47 pm

BellaRosa - Allow your mother to make an appt for you with a therapist because it would be wonderful for you to have reassurance by someone locally and to have this reassurance for awhile until you learn the tools to help you move through OCD.

I can assure you that you are not gay - you are not a lesbian. You simply have obessive thinking and this is one of the side affects of OCD. It's just the nature of it and how it works.

Please get Dr. Howard Liebgold's book Freedom from Fear. You can order it on Amazon.com or Angelnet.com He goes into obsessive thinking and explains it very well and offers the help and support that you will find comfort with. There are other great books as well and also <A HREF="http://www.ocdonline.com" TARGET=_blank>www.ocdonline.com</A>

You do not need to go around feeling afraid anymore. You are OK just the way you are. When you are no longer afraid of anxiety and when you learn to be unafraid of homosexuality, these thoughts will cease to bother you anymore. You will beable to see for yourself that you are not a lesbian.

Persevere. You will heal from this.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun Feb 22, 2009 8:55 am

Oh my goodness Bellarosa, I could have written the very same thing you just did!! I'm struggling with the same thing right now, I'm 19 years old, I have a great boyfriend, and this is hell, believe me, I know. I know exactly what you mean by looking at other girls to make sure you're not attracted to them. It's made watching TV almost unbearable. But listen to the other people on this forum, it's totally just the OCD, and keep telling yourself that. I would suggest getting therapy as well, it's beginning to help me just to have someone to talk to when it gets too hard to handle. Oh and don't listen to your friends, what they're saying is really not nice at all. I hope things improve for you, and if you need someone to talk to who's going through the same thing, feel free to message me.

Sarah

MARESKI · Post by **MARESKI** » Mon Feb 23, 2009 2:35 pm

bellarosa-
I am also 17 and i am also boy crazy and exactly how you described yourself. i also had a dream almost exactly like yours, and woke up having a panic attack and i also was in hell for a year.

everything that i did i thought that lesbians did, how i dressed, how i ate, talked, walked, i had all the same symptoms as you did. for as long as i can remember i was petrified of homosexuals and didnt understand it at all. so when this happened it was beyond hell. my friends also did the same thing and i went to extremes either by staying home or staying with my safe person. im now on week 13 and i cannot tell you how much better i am doing. i know that i am not a lesbian and ive learned so so much about myself and others and how distorted my thinking used to be. im no longer afraid of homosexuals and i can actually live and not be scared.

i really hope this program works for you, it seriously saved my life.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Mar 03, 2009 10:11 am

Thank you for all the support guys. I really appreciate it. I was doing quite well with handling my OCD for about a week, and I'm really struggling with it again. It's so frustrating. I was watching some modeling show on television, and it was enough to trigger me.

I've been feeling really odd around my friends lately, and I start obsessing over why. I know I'm just withdrawing myself, and then I think - No! I'm gay! That's why.

It's awful. Is it supposed to really feel like I'm gay? I just don't understand how I could convince myself of something so unlike me.