I'm really glad we stayed on this lesson for a second week because it has taken me this extra time to ferret out some of the bigger shoulds that were hiding in that brain of mine.
I find that I really do have high and unrealistic expectations of myself.
But I wouldn't say it is perfectionism. I don't need things to look or be perfect in myself or the people around me or to portray a perfect looking life. I don't take that time to make things just so or be specifically anxious when they are not.
My unrealistic expectations mean I put a lot of background pressure on myself on things where I don't 'measure up'.
So what are some of the SHOULDS I came up with and what are some I can turn into goals...
SHOULD: I should not get sick.
I don't get anxious about being sick with something but I get frustrated when I get a cold or flu and I realize this is because I feel like I'm weak to have come down with a cold and I should be able to avoid it.
RESPONSE: Basically everyone gets sick with something at some point in time. You get sick an average amount. Getting a cold now and then is very normal - you don't have to be superwoman.
GOAL: I do know I could increase the amount of vegetables and fruit in my diet, and get more regular hours of sleep, and that may help me avert sickness. So the goal is to improve both those areas.
Also, then if I do get sick I can feel good knowing I ate and slept healthily and that if I have a cold/flu it's just what every regular non-superwoman experiences now and then.
SHOULD: I should have near boundless energy.
RESPONSE: I do have enough energy to take care of my child and my home and be involved in a few other things besides. It's not like I lack energy to get anything done!
I also know that I am 'my father's daughter' and he is a 'slow and steady' sort of guy. There are many sorts of people in this world and there are benefits to each kind of person.
SHOULD: I should look neater and prettier all the time.
RESPONSE: I take care of my appearance enough to look respectable
haha! I could put more time into my hair and do some make-up. It would take time and energy on my part.
I think I'll need to figure out how much it actually matters to me and either put in some time on it or move on.
I also may be allowing myself to be too heavily influenced by professionally created, polished images of people.
SHOULD: My home should be tidier. I should know where everything is and each room should be aesthetically pleasing.
RESPONSE: Despite it not meeting those ideals, my home is kept up reasonably well, is clean and homey, and functions just fine.
It would take me a good bit of time to achieve that ideal (like my father I take a lot of time to get a thing done - we do things slowly!) - would I be willing to give up time from my hobbies in order to make it happen? I would enjoy a nicer looking home but would I enjoy other aspects of life as much if I took out time to maintain that?
Although I am not a naturally organized person, I do feel better when things are tidy and simplified - so I could create a goal from this 'should' while at the same time reminding myself that the ideal is not necessary for a happy family or happy self.
GOAL: To take time in small chunks to improve something in our home. In this way I can improve the tidiness or order, or simplify things, in a slow but steady manageable way. My home will not likely look 'ideal' but it can improve without me having to sacrifice too much time or getting overwhelmed.
SHOULD: I should do more, accomplish more, multitask better...
RESPONSE: In thinking this over I realized that much of this is coming from comparing myself to others rather than actually wanting to do more things. There are some things I truly HAVE wanted to do and I did already add them into what I do.
I do not need to work at a paying job to be working hard or to prove value.
I do know that multitasking is not my strength and I can provide better care for my child, husband and household if I have my full focus on home. I don't have to be good at everything. My strengths do lend well to being a good mom and spouse. I can think about an outside job when the children are older and there is less to do at home.
I don't have a career I am currently itching to get into - any job I take would just be work for works sake and why would that be a better thing to do?
What is good for me? What is good for my family?
Remember that I discovered much of this should is a result of comparison rather than a genuine desire to add more work to what I do. It also reflects some of my insecurity over jobs and personal independence...that personal insecurity will not be fixed by adding more work to my current load.
SHOULD: I should be able to understand more, like meetings with the bank or other organizations (I don't take in verbal info very quickly, and sometimes even forms and written explanations are a bit of a mystery to me).
RESPONSE: Actually I kind of still feel like I should be able to grasp these things better. My husband tends to understand these things but it annoys me to rely on him as my 'interpreter'.
I don't know if there is something I can do to get better at this or if it's just something I'm not great at. Concentration is not my forte and I think it would be very useful in these situations.
There are several others shoulds but I think that's enough for now
What do you think would happen if you viewed anxiety as a good thing, a protector instead of something you have to go to war with?
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