Dear Diary

[SoWhatif]

When I have bad days and I do, I drive myself the extra mile to meet the challange. Then the days when nothing is cooperating I step back and say f it. F for the word "freaking", the other word is a habit that needs removed. abit tricky after 40 yrs of neglect though. Take a break for you Mrs. J. Let some space help the dust to settle and it is amazing at the different perspective that comes. In my occupation I learned many yrs ago that if it is not going well do NOT force the issue as it will only get worse. Now I find that I should have treated my self with such patience instead of all the sphere of abuse.

J, I do hope the trials will become manageable. You young lady have broken achievment records with your positive mindset and helped me see the error of many of my ways. Tina must scratch her hed from time to time wondering about us. I know I do with thoughts of you two. A saying that stays with me is, let them fight their own battles. Even the simplest things can draw us in, recognize and detour away. At a distance you can see in thee.

Mom is about to wear me out. Finding people I can trust and that have a clue how to deal with her disability is very time consuming. There are all kinds that want 20+ dollars an hour just to baby sit and then say they are productive for burning her energy. It is easy to just sit and watch, it is another thing to guide her to using energy. It sure as hell is not watching tv. I have the survailence system finally installed, just a couple more cameras and It, the house will be covered inside and out. Wonderfull tool to validate credability. Going to social services tomorrow and see what is available to cover afternoon hours. She is starting to nap and then be up at night. So far just roaming the house and watching tv. Does it make sence that eating can be habit forming? She eats for three of us and insists she is not hungry and no food in the house. Got to think up a deterant.

Well Mrs T, have you gotten any of that legal smoke and lit up yet? Colorado has allways been a unique place. How is your Fit behaving for you. Every time I see one your the one I think of. Went to a seminar on repairing hybrids the other day and it is mind boggeling the complication and exspence of the things. The average Joe will not be impressed with what the gov has auto makers doing to us. I finish more later. Have fun and be safe girls......

[tina martin]

Am so very sorry about your mom. It is a brutal, brutal fate for everyone involved. The costs in all ways are staggering. Know of them first hand. Terrified I'll follow the same path so I'm planning to be in a trailer on the West Coast, take some of those smokes you refer to with suitable effective refreshments and go for a swim in the Pacific. Poor son and daughter get to listen to this.

Love my Baby Fit, put on about 5 miles a week. It just loves to be babied. We stay fit together. It's grand that you brought us here. Always grateful for it. Stay well and strong.

[Loveslife]

Hi Tina and R.,

First, I am forever grateful for your words of encouragement and what they mean to me. Sometimes I just come here and read them over and over again, kind of like Tina saying that we need to reinforce self love and love oneself. The three of you have helped me immensely. (I say three because I will forever include Marilyn in helping me as well)

I'm alright. The problem that I'm having is I'm SO HAPPY at work, and when I'm swimming (as I did today, on my day off) or when I'm by myself walking my dog or when I'm with friends.

It's just glaringly obvious how UNHAPPY I am when I'm at home with DH. This has always been the case but it's harder to pretend otherwise, now. It's true about work for me. I have come so far and achieved so much and am so happy.

But it's sad to realize that I don't have balance. I need balance. Happy at home and happy at work. I just can't take the step that I need to take. I just can't. I just can't. I don't know why. We would both be happier but I just can't do it.

R., I've been thinking about your mother and your situation to find a responsible and reliable and trustworthy person to help her, help motivate her, care for her, etc.

That person is out there. I make less then $20.00 an hour but I am so committed to my 'career' (I see my new position as a career-not just a job, no matter the pay) so I know people that want a life and a purpose and to feel good about themselves by helping others are out there. I just don't know how you will be able to find that person. My job sort of came about because after working in the hotel and realizing that it wasn't a good fit for me, and having to quit, I decided that the next job I took I would love. So, I waited and watched the shops and explored the shops trying to find a place that I would enjoy/love to work.

The shop I'm working in is perfect, but I digress.....Word of mouth? Put the word out that you are needing someone trustworthy etc...If you should run into a lovely person who gives off positive energy maybe mention your plight and what you need for your mom?

Think out of the box...I know from my year volunteering in the hospital (and also working there) that aids are not reliable and give sub par care. It was shocking to see. So, do not hire an aid. I will continue to try to think of ways for you to hire just the right person, but sometimes, if we keep our heart and minds open, serendipity happens.

Anyway, I just want to let you all know that I'm fine, very happy when I'm working and will somehow manage my home situation to the best of my abilities. I do still talk to Dr. W., and I will have to talk to her about this, if I could just manage to be alone for a bit when I'm talking to her.

Ok, Love to all.

XOXO
J.

PS
Tina, I have no idea what a baby fit is, but would love to hear all about it.
PPS
Today I was swimming and met a woman who Summers in Colorado Springs, and I almost asked her if she knew you, but realized it would be hard to explain if she did know you. Her name is Florence if you know a Florence....
((((((((LOVE)))))))

[tina martin]

Baby Fit is the car that replaced my old one. It was meant for daughter who continues to prefer her bike. CO. Springs is miles away and I tend to hibernate.

How do I address the home situation? What are our expectations? What are our choices? How many different kinds of love are there? What are a person's ability to love? If, for example, they never experienced love themselves? This would be for Dr. K: how do we know what happened (or didn't) in childhood?

Western culture fans appetites; Eastern tries to contain them. Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT, the program here) can be effective in correcting our thinking and making life better. Am always thankful R brought us here. Always like thinking and analyzing. You gave me this renewed chance to do so, thank you, J. Love........T

[Loveslife]

Dear Diary,
I've decided, yes, decided, made a concerted effort to decide to not try to 'go there' re: my early childhood. Who cares?
It's doesn't matter and it is not useful information anymore. Anyway, I do know, but I can't manage my memories. I can't control them from taking over me. Anyway, I do no, but I don't know. It's too hard to esxplain. what purpose does it serve to go there?

Tina's question was a good one. what is my ability to love? I'm only applying that question to myself because i've learned that wehn i work on my own self the questions should only be about me. in otherwords, asking that question about my DH doesn't count. I can't change it. the outcome. but i can try to figure out what MY ability to love is. what are my expectations?

good question. So diary, what are the answers.

i'll start with the easier question first. what are my expectations at home? I don't want to walk on eggshells and feel the need to always please him. it feels like my stomach is tight every moment we are at home together. i want to laugh. I WANT TO LAUGH WHEN I'M AT HOME, LIKE I DO WEN I'M AT WORK.

ok, what are my abilities to love antoher person? Julie-I would sacrifice my life. little Julie, same. Brooke, same. Julie's future babie (she is 13 weeks pregnant and visiting on thursday--i have 5 days off to be with her) same. i would sacrifice my life for them.

but what is my ability to love? a man? have i ever even experienced it for real? have i? have i? have i?
ok,this is very hard to right and to admit.

ive been pretending forever. i don't no if i can love anoher man in romantic love. i don't no why?

ok, off to work in a little while.
hard journal entry to right.
j.

[Loveslife]

`

[Loveslife]

bad day. so tired.
tomorrow will be a knew day.

[Loveslife]

dear diary,
stop!!! Please, I get it. Please leave me alone. I'm fine. everything is fine. whoever is gaslighting me is really causing me mental harm.
yes, i havre participated in this weirdness but i just asked myself WHY HSAVEN"T I EVER ASKED FOR IT TO STOP.
i don't know who is who. i just want everyone to please levee me alone. i don't trust anyone anymore. no one.
i don't know if tina is real or r is real or if even m is real? who is real?
please just stop.
i'm losing my mind.
the end.

[tina martin]

Dear J, we are all real: you, R, M, DH, and me. Don't want to make things worse by addressing anything. Just try and relax. I meditate, you know, and maybe that can help you too. Just sit, close your eyes, and slowly breathe in and out.

I suddenly got this crazy tinnitus in my right ear driving me mad. Seeing a doctor on Thursday but must deal with it till then. We'll be strong together. Please get a good rest, tomorrow is another day. Love..........T

[Loveslife]

stop it. i am begging you to stop gasligthin me. please please stop. i cannot function. i won't be back. pease leave me alone.