Hit A Wall
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DayAtATime
- Posts: 4
- Joined: Fri Oct 21, 2011 12:58 pm
Hit A Wall
I am new to this board but am so thankful that there are other people out there who can relate to the challenges and struggles of others. I currently hit a wall. I decided after 6 years to come off my Zoloft 100mg. At first I felt fine. As time went on I noticed a few things, little things would really start to annoy me, I wanted to spend more and more time alone, and I would get overly emotional. Then about a week and a half ago it just felt like the rug was pulled out from under me. I went into a depressed state. A dark pit of despair. I tried to go on a scheduled vacation but after a few days I had to return home early because I was in such a fog. Panicky feelings, intense nervousness, depressed feelings, and no motivation at all. I totally lost my appetite, my stomach gets empty but I have no desire to eat. I feel like this will never go away. I wonder if I can continue like this? I have been praying to God for help but this can't end quick enough. I struggle with the thought, "Why can't I handle this? Why can't I get over these panic attacks? Why do I need medication? Why am I so weak?" My dr. put me on Effexor and I felt terrible and got scared with all the difficulty that people had coming off that med. I took it for two days and felt a weird feeling in my legs, got a headache, couldn't sleep, and had heart palpitations. I stopped and started taking the Zoloft again even though I feel like over the years that it has lost some of its effectiveness. I still am in a cloud, I feel a tiny bit better, but not myself.
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tristressing
- Posts: 4
- Joined: Mon Nov 27, 2006 2:39 pm
Re: Hit A Wall
Dayatatime - I know you said you are new to the board but I didn't read if you were also new to the attacking anxiety program or not?
And btw you are not weak. A weak person doesn't try to help themselves which is exactly what you are doing. If you are anything like I am (and I'm sure it is likely you are given you are up here) you are a super perfectionist who has so many unrealistic expectations of yourself it makes you sick. The simple key to getting over it is letting go of control and your expectations. Easier said than done for people like us I know.
Anyway let me know where you are as far as the program or not and I will be glad to tell you something about myself that may give you some encouragement that you can and will get better.
And btw you are not weak. A weak person doesn't try to help themselves which is exactly what you are doing. If you are anything like I am (and I'm sure it is likely you are given you are up here) you are a super perfectionist who has so many unrealistic expectations of yourself it makes you sick. The simple key to getting over it is letting go of control and your expectations. Easier said than done for people like us I know.
Anyway let me know where you are as far as the program or not and I will be glad to tell you something about myself that may give you some encouragement that you can and will get better.
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DayAtATime
- Posts: 4
- Joined: Fri Oct 21, 2011 12:58 pm
Re: Hit A Wall
It is true I have try to be perfect, a people pleaser, and am a controler. I started the program a couple weeks ago and need to keep going forward. I believe you are correct by saying that I have to let go of control and expectations. This is not an easy thing to do! I have to work on it and am open to any suggestions.
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tristressing
- Posts: 4
- Joined: Mon Nov 27, 2006 2:39 pm
Re: Hit A Wall
I'm glad to hear you are working through the program. Stick with it!
I will tell you a bit about myself in the hopes that you can find some encouragement in it.
I recall having my first prolonged anxiety episode about 12 years ago. I had no idea what was wrong with me other than I surely had cancer or something. After about a 6 weeks of hell in and out of cluless doctors offices and after dropping to 119 pounds (I'm male and 5'10") from not eating I woke up one morning and felt fine. I coasted along for 6-7 years managing life with no issues, getting back to a healthy 160 pound weight, having kids, carreer growth, etc until late 2005. At that time I made a major job change and moved my family to a different state where we didn't know anyone. The job change and move were not related as the job was in a different state from where we moved. It is a long story as to why that happened I wont bore you with. The week we moved we went into a Walmart to get some stuff for the house and I remember it like it was yesterday. The kids were throwing a fit, my wife was stressed, and I suddenly went into a panic like I never experienced before. I was confused, dizzy, all the stuff I'm sure you know all to well. I sat on a shelf for about 15 seconds before bolting out of the store in a daze leaving my wife and kids in the isle totally confused.
Once outside I started to calm down and by the time my wife came out I was fine. We went home and I was confused about what had happened but felt normal until that evening when I tried to go out for dinner and panicked in the car. I promptly turned around and proceeded to not leave the house unless absolutely needed for almost 6 months. I wouldn't even consider going to the doctor as I didn't want to know what might be wrong nor did I ever think I could sit still that long. I was able to work from home as an unseen rock star and didn't have to travel much (and only by car) which played well into my agoraphobia. When I was home I felt 80% fine but even the thought of leaving the house was pure insanity. It was so bad that I had to build myself up for hours just to walk to the mailbox without fear of passing out. The few times I did have to travel any distance it was hardcore anxiety 24 hours a day as all I did was play over and over in my head the fastest way home counting the seconds until I could head back.
After only having lived in our new home for 7-8 months my job asked me to move closer and payed my way to move to a different state. Apart from God I don't know how I ever made it through that ordeal given the mental state I was in but somehow I did and I found my self in a second new home and city in less than a year. To make matters worse (or so it seemed at the time) I was now close to my job and while I still worked at home it was not all the time and I did have to go into the office a bit. When I did find myself needing to drive I would drive miles out of my way to avoid having to make a left turn. When I went to stores for any reason I went to great pains to be sure I could get in and out in less than 5 minutes (I literally counted as I walked in) and never ever stood in line. If my plan backfired I'd instantly leave whatever I had where I was and leave the store to try another one. I won't even try to describe what it was like being in the office.
Having lived that way for a year I was praying and crying one night when I saw an ad for the anxiety program. I ordered it right away and prayed that the day it came it would be left at the front door and not the mailbox.
Anyway the program came and I joined this board as a lurker. As I started to listen to the cd's I became angry about how I had been living and decided that even if it killed me I was going to do exactly what it said. By the end of week 2 I was doing absolutely crazy things trying to push myself like purposely finding left hand turns to make while driving to stores 75 miles away to avoid standing in line. Amazingly those baby steps turned into giant leaps and by the time I was at the end of week 5 I was actually happy and doing normal things like shopping at times other than 3 am and talking to people in line.
As a matter of fact I felt so great I did something I should not have done and decided not to finish the program. Over the next 4 years life was great! I was happy, I traveled all over the US via plane and happily stood in the lines waiting to get on them, I presented to groups of people, I took chances at work and excelled in my career. In general I purposely did things that frightened me and found them exciting and not anxious.
Approximately a year ago I had some rather traumatic things happen at my company and I began to fall into a bad habit of focusing 24 hours a day on how pissed off I was about it. I made it my full time focus to correct what had happened. As the year progressed the situation became worse and worse and I became more and more upset about it while trying even harder to get things on a better path. I didn't recognize it in the process but my world started to get small again. I first started feeling dizzy at work and then panicky followed by mild depression until about a month ago when I found myself sitting on the side of the road balling my eyes out to panicky to go to work. I turned around and really have not left the house to do much, not gone to the office, not gone to the store, not exercising, and spending all my weekends in bed despairing to even live.
If you are still with me reading this you might be asking yourself how on earth this is supposed to be encouraging you that you can get better. I'm almost to the point I've been working up to so stay with me.
For 3 weeks I was extremely depressed, panicky, and feeling worse than I ever think I had before to the point that my wife was crying herself to sleep at night wondering if she was going to find me dead in the morning. Last Sunday I wandered into my basement and saw my materials sitting on a shelf from the attacking anxiety program I completed 5 weeks of 5 years ago. As I held it in my hands with some of the materials unopened at all still wrapped I broke down and cried a river. In an instant I realized that I had not kept the promise I made to myself 5 years ago that I would do exactly what the program said. The first thing it says is to be sure you finish it!
So that night I started step one again. As I've been going through it this week and doing my lesson much of what I learned through lesson 5 all those years ago has come back in a flood and just 7 days later I feel much much better just putting a few simple things into practice. I've not had a panic attack in 3 days now nor have I cried. I'm not ready to leave the house yet but I can feel it right around the corner.
I realize that I'm in a slightly different place than you because I was in a bad place before and got better with just a little help from this program and have that comfort to fall back on. However that is the main point I wanted to make for you. If I can go from where I was 5 years ago to feeling great for 4+ years on 5 weeks of the program and then from despairing to live just a week ago to having hope and real change within a week of getting back on the program and recalling what I previously learned..........think about what is possible when you do the entire program and continue to practice your skills until you master them.
The thing that makes us sick really is how we think and nothing more. The good news is we can change and have a great tool in hand to make that happen. One other thing I want you to know is you are a lot more brave than I am and I've done some wild stuff in my life. I would never even consider meds out of fear. I applaud you for even taking that step to get help and now for trying to get off of them.
I will tell you a bit about myself in the hopes that you can find some encouragement in it.
I recall having my first prolonged anxiety episode about 12 years ago. I had no idea what was wrong with me other than I surely had cancer or something. After about a 6 weeks of hell in and out of cluless doctors offices and after dropping to 119 pounds (I'm male and 5'10") from not eating I woke up one morning and felt fine. I coasted along for 6-7 years managing life with no issues, getting back to a healthy 160 pound weight, having kids, carreer growth, etc until late 2005. At that time I made a major job change and moved my family to a different state where we didn't know anyone. The job change and move were not related as the job was in a different state from where we moved. It is a long story as to why that happened I wont bore you with. The week we moved we went into a Walmart to get some stuff for the house and I remember it like it was yesterday. The kids were throwing a fit, my wife was stressed, and I suddenly went into a panic like I never experienced before. I was confused, dizzy, all the stuff I'm sure you know all to well. I sat on a shelf for about 15 seconds before bolting out of the store in a daze leaving my wife and kids in the isle totally confused.
Once outside I started to calm down and by the time my wife came out I was fine. We went home and I was confused about what had happened but felt normal until that evening when I tried to go out for dinner and panicked in the car. I promptly turned around and proceeded to not leave the house unless absolutely needed for almost 6 months. I wouldn't even consider going to the doctor as I didn't want to know what might be wrong nor did I ever think I could sit still that long. I was able to work from home as an unseen rock star and didn't have to travel much (and only by car) which played well into my agoraphobia. When I was home I felt 80% fine but even the thought of leaving the house was pure insanity. It was so bad that I had to build myself up for hours just to walk to the mailbox without fear of passing out. The few times I did have to travel any distance it was hardcore anxiety 24 hours a day as all I did was play over and over in my head the fastest way home counting the seconds until I could head back.
After only having lived in our new home for 7-8 months my job asked me to move closer and payed my way to move to a different state. Apart from God I don't know how I ever made it through that ordeal given the mental state I was in but somehow I did and I found my self in a second new home and city in less than a year. To make matters worse (or so it seemed at the time) I was now close to my job and while I still worked at home it was not all the time and I did have to go into the office a bit. When I did find myself needing to drive I would drive miles out of my way to avoid having to make a left turn. When I went to stores for any reason I went to great pains to be sure I could get in and out in less than 5 minutes (I literally counted as I walked in) and never ever stood in line. If my plan backfired I'd instantly leave whatever I had where I was and leave the store to try another one. I won't even try to describe what it was like being in the office.
Having lived that way for a year I was praying and crying one night when I saw an ad for the anxiety program. I ordered it right away and prayed that the day it came it would be left at the front door and not the mailbox.
Anyway the program came and I joined this board as a lurker. As I started to listen to the cd's I became angry about how I had been living and decided that even if it killed me I was going to do exactly what it said. By the end of week 2 I was doing absolutely crazy things trying to push myself like purposely finding left hand turns to make while driving to stores 75 miles away to avoid standing in line. Amazingly those baby steps turned into giant leaps and by the time I was at the end of week 5 I was actually happy and doing normal things like shopping at times other than 3 am and talking to people in line.
As a matter of fact I felt so great I did something I should not have done and decided not to finish the program. Over the next 4 years life was great! I was happy, I traveled all over the US via plane and happily stood in the lines waiting to get on them, I presented to groups of people, I took chances at work and excelled in my career. In general I purposely did things that frightened me and found them exciting and not anxious.
Approximately a year ago I had some rather traumatic things happen at my company and I began to fall into a bad habit of focusing 24 hours a day on how pissed off I was about it. I made it my full time focus to correct what had happened. As the year progressed the situation became worse and worse and I became more and more upset about it while trying even harder to get things on a better path. I didn't recognize it in the process but my world started to get small again. I first started feeling dizzy at work and then panicky followed by mild depression until about a month ago when I found myself sitting on the side of the road balling my eyes out to panicky to go to work. I turned around and really have not left the house to do much, not gone to the office, not gone to the store, not exercising, and spending all my weekends in bed despairing to even live.
If you are still with me reading this you might be asking yourself how on earth this is supposed to be encouraging you that you can get better. I'm almost to the point I've been working up to so stay with me.
For 3 weeks I was extremely depressed, panicky, and feeling worse than I ever think I had before to the point that my wife was crying herself to sleep at night wondering if she was going to find me dead in the morning. Last Sunday I wandered into my basement and saw my materials sitting on a shelf from the attacking anxiety program I completed 5 weeks of 5 years ago. As I held it in my hands with some of the materials unopened at all still wrapped I broke down and cried a river. In an instant I realized that I had not kept the promise I made to myself 5 years ago that I would do exactly what the program said. The first thing it says is to be sure you finish it!
So that night I started step one again. As I've been going through it this week and doing my lesson much of what I learned through lesson 5 all those years ago has come back in a flood and just 7 days later I feel much much better just putting a few simple things into practice. I've not had a panic attack in 3 days now nor have I cried. I'm not ready to leave the house yet but I can feel it right around the corner.
I realize that I'm in a slightly different place than you because I was in a bad place before and got better with just a little help from this program and have that comfort to fall back on. However that is the main point I wanted to make for you. If I can go from where I was 5 years ago to feeling great for 4+ years on 5 weeks of the program and then from despairing to live just a week ago to having hope and real change within a week of getting back on the program and recalling what I previously learned..........think about what is possible when you do the entire program and continue to practice your skills until you master them.
The thing that makes us sick really is how we think and nothing more. The good news is we can change and have a great tool in hand to make that happen. One other thing I want you to know is you are a lot more brave than I am and I've done some wild stuff in my life. I would never even consider meds out of fear. I applaud you for even taking that step to get help and now for trying to get off of them.
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DayAtATime
- Posts: 4
- Joined: Fri Oct 21, 2011 12:58 pm
Re: Hit A Wall
I am very thankful for you sharing the details of what happened to you. I had to read what you wrote a couple of times. It is amazing really your story and actually is inspiring. It appears that you have suffered greatly from the panic, agoraphobia, and the deep states of depression. I also am encouraged at how you fought and are fighting to work the program. I can see that I must do the same. I know too well how panic attacks are. It is amazing how motivated I get when I am not feeling well but when things get better than I get complacent. But this is how I am wired and I need to work on this diligently for the rest of my life. I would like to encourage you and hope you can encourage me as we work through this program.
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tristressing
- Posts: 4
- Joined: Mon Nov 27, 2006 2:39 pm
Re: Hit A Wall
Thank you for the encouragement and I'm glad that sharing some of my details is helpful. In some of my moments of greater clarity I gain a lot of encouragement to get better by thoughts of what we go through having a purpose. I had forgotten until this past week but in the past I have often pictured myself going through this and other painful life moments as something that hurts in a good way because it is allowing me to gain the tools and insight to help others when they need someone to lean on for strength. You know what is said about needing to walk a mile in someone elses shoes before you can truly understand. In another lifetime I was an Ironman triathlete and more than the endless months of 25 hours a week of training leading up to a race what made me take step after step while racing was the picture in my mind of telling others when I was done to look at what is possible for them to do if only they'd try and knowing I'd be equipped to help show them the way when I had done it myself.
Yesterday I found an audio book I had forgotten I had ordered and used 5 years ago. The author is Dr. Claire Weekes and is called Pass Through Panic. I'm not sure when it was recorded but it is a series of radio broadcasts she did that were compiled into an audio book about 2 hours in length. She is so wise in the insight she offers and I'm so greatful to have it. It is not a replacement to the Stress program in any way but I have found it to be very complimentary as a supplement. I listened to it yesterday and actually ended up going out on a bike ride alone afterward to practice what I relearned. It is so telling about this condition how when you are out trying to pick a fight with fear you don't find any. In contrast fear is around every corner we turn and under every bed we look under when the last thing you want to do is come face to face with it.
Yesterday I found an audio book I had forgotten I had ordered and used 5 years ago. The author is Dr. Claire Weekes and is called Pass Through Panic. I'm not sure when it was recorded but it is a series of radio broadcasts she did that were compiled into an audio book about 2 hours in length. She is so wise in the insight she offers and I'm so greatful to have it. It is not a replacement to the Stress program in any way but I have found it to be very complimentary as a supplement. I listened to it yesterday and actually ended up going out on a bike ride alone afterward to practice what I relearned. It is so telling about this condition how when you are out trying to pick a fight with fear you don't find any. In contrast fear is around every corner we turn and under every bed we look under when the last thing you want to do is come face to face with it.