Dear Diary

[SoWhatif]

J, Be at peace. As Tina said we are all of a sinful nature. Some thrive on it some suffer in mizery with it. You have a heart that is purging guilt whether involved or as a onlooker you picked up the sword and played the game. The awareness in your mind that the heart of truth brings out is courages and very humbleing to say the least. I do hope that these things, that is refered to as bad is not illegal. We can be more brutal on ourselves than the reality really would suggest. Tomorrow is a new day andwith that wil come more clarity in the thinking. I believe with Tina that the person you mentioned would have sealed his fate be it then or later. He new he would not survive lockup and whatever bullying you may have done was not new to him. Please believe that. A person like Dr. K may have been able to rewire his ending though I really doubt it. Give it all to the master who knows so that you can be free. Then if your mission is to still help then maybe that is a way to repent the guilt.
Remember that here your safe and we will listen and not judge only to help guide. The roads we travel are at times not pretty or able to be travelled in return, use the wisdom and truth in your heart as the map. You my dear have came along long ways and it is not a time to turn back. Keep looking and moving forward as that is what are mission is to be. Around every corner will be choices and it seems instinctivly you have a key.

Bless you and we hope for you to have sweet dreams.

R

[tina martin]

R says some good things and is managing to keep the spirit up. I'm taken aback at your attempt. Am I reading right? Haven't we agreed that is never, ever an option no matter what?

[Loveslife]

Dear T. and R.,

I am so sorry for being in such a bad place yesterday. This is a horrible subject for me, and it all just came pouring out yesterday.

T., I'm sorry I shared that with you here. It was almost 1 year ago, and I am all better now.

As R. says, I just have to keep moving forward.

Again, I'm quite embarrassed and I'm sorry that I worried anyone.

Love,

J.

[bunny rabbit]

Suicide is such a difficult subject for me to read about. My brother, sister and I have all been suicidal at least once in our lives. My best friend who recently died had to identify her only son's body after he hung himself. It was so horrible. I once met a woman in the hospital who was dying of cancer and fighting to live after living a life of trying to commit suicide. My sil's arms are all slashed from her multiple attempts to kill herself. I have witnessed a suicide and reported it to the police immediately and then went home totally shaken. Looking so recently into the eyes of my dying sister, my dying father, seeing my best friend looking like a corpse ready for her coffin skin and bone has changed me forever. Life is so fragile and so incredibly precious. Being part of a grief group a "Circle of Daughters", seeing the pictures passed around of these loving parents and hearing the tears of their children has changed me forever. No matter what is going on, no matter how bad things are at the moment "This Too Shall Pass". Love from Bunny

P.S. Thank you for the responses about my daughter and my relationship with her. I think this may be a life-long project. It has so many complicated layers and we are very different people. I am in grief over her right now but I know that the ointment on the bleeding wound needs to be forgiveness and the scar will come with acceptance and gratitude. Thanks.

[tina martin]

No need to apologize, J. We are here to listen. Why? Because we care about you, always have and always will. The good news is you can probably put this behind you and continue your strides forward. We have to use caution on the internet. We become involved, our feelings are at risk. It's why I generally limit my involvement. It is calm and safe here and we can be thankful.

And, yes, Bunny, life is so fragile and we are so unprepared. In one way or another we are each inevitably touched by the ending. I had to learn of it early in life as millions of us were left behind (WWII) and perished. As to your daughter, with time, patience, understanding and love you will work it out with her.

[Loveslife]

Thank you for your graceful understanding, Tina. I never should have shared that information online.
Bunny, Please accept my apologies. Paislee too.
Have a pleasant evening everyone. I'm starving, and am going to have a big hamburger with french fries. I know, I know T., it's not a veggie burger. I wish you were here, as I would make you a delicious veggie burger.
XO

[tina martin]

See I missed a veggie burger, but now we can have a sumptuous Sunday Brunch. Ready to break all rules: gobble up fat, salt, sugar, cholesterol and whatever else clogs up the arteries. I'm sick of all that health stuff. Think about buying bags of Mounds for Halloween and eating them all myself, ha ha.

Happy Brunching.

[bunny rabbit]

I'm off on a badly needed vacation tomorrow at 6 am. My DH asked what rating I would give my desire to go away and I said 35 out of ten. I am so glad to get away from the stress of family, grief, pain, daughter issues. I want to leave it all behind. I am taking the CD's with me from the program. I've been away from it all due to grief work that deals with the past. I've written a nice letter to my mother and sent her a copy of my story Freddie the Leaf. She and I are in different planets when it comes to grief work. I understand now that she is grieving, even though she keeps as frantically busy as possible at 92!!! I don't know how she does it. I tend to do the opposite, lean into my pain as if that's going to help me get through it faster. Not!!! It's a whole new experience for me and I'm learning a tremendous amount. Recently I've been learning about the difference between helping, fixing and serving others. I hope to be a volunteer at hospice in the future serving the dying, not helping or fixing which takes away from others. There is so much I have to learn. I'm off to bed. Love from Bunny

[Loveslife]

Have a wonderful vacation, Bunny. Freddie the leaf is one of my favorite books, and your mother sounds like an amazing lady and you are a wonderful daughter.

[Paisleegreen]

Hi all--I just have caught up on everyone's posting. I would have to say, being a parent that lost a son to suicide that there are "what ifs" that will always be questioned by the survivor of suicide.

I do agree with J that we can affect people's lives by our actions or lack of actions, but we are also forgiven for these acts or in actions. We all pay a price in what we do, one way or another, but it is helpful to remember that was the action deliberate, with full intention to harm another. Was there full knowledge that your action could possibly bring about a person's suicide. We don't have that capacity to read another person's mind. Only a Loving Heavenly Father can do that, and there is one person that already suffered for the sins, actions done on purpose or done in ignorance that us frail human beings have done or will do.

I also believe that those that have taken their lives have been suffering for a long time with a mental illness or a depressed state of mind that they wanted help and asked for it, but others didn't understand what they were feeling. My son got help from a Psychiatrist, but he chose not to take his medication due to the way it made him feel. He suffered from ADHD which can cause depression, but he didn't like how the medication "slowed him down" and he did have bullies. He finally stood up to them, and he won the fight. But then another one came with Authority and Power to humiliate him and lower his position with his peers.

But had he taken his medication would he have felt better at the time, if his brain worked differently that he didn't have to wear himself out by doing so much physical activity to feel better would that have changed things? Would it have helped if his brain worked differently that he didn't need to be at school very early in the morning that day to study algebra so that he passed the state mandated tests so the school can keep their accreditation? Would if have helped if he wasn't a 15 year old that had a young brain and underdeveloped frontal lobe to think more clearly and rationally?

These are all questions that will be answered in the next life...and I believe that life continues and things will be figured out and straightened out. Those are my beliefs...and that we are here on earth to learn and struggle and overcome. I also believe that my son's life has been saved many times before he chose to finally take it...and the Almighty allowed him to take it.

If he didn't have guardian angels watching over him throughout his life and I believe mine as well and probably others, that many of us would not be alive today. There are just too many mere misses of tragic accidents that could have happened and ended my life, my son's life and others all too soon.

We just do not understand the big scheme of things and why things are the way they are...

J, please do not be hard on yourself, from what I've read, you have had a hard life yourself and you are a survivor of many things. Keep your chin up and continue with your journey that you have worked so hard to travel the higher road. paislee