Dear Diary

[tina martin]

Bunny, I hope you know I do not mean to find fault. I mean to find a way for you and your daughter to communicate calmly, openly, rationally and ultimately lovingly. I had times with my daughter. Things could have easily gone badly. Do you know who was the more patient and understanding one? Daughter.

You can develop trust and goodwill between the two of you. Wishing you the best.

[Loveslife]

Dear Diary,
I'm really on a journey inside my own mind. I'm shaking as I write this, and I'm devastated to understand why I am doing what I am doing.
I have a new cause. I'm standing up for the persecuted, and it is for the gay people that I am becoming a spokesperson for. (in a way)
It's because they are so horribly bullied. (long story short)
But, I just came back from a long walk at the harbor, where I sat down and just started to cry and cry and cry.
I understand now what is happening to me.
I once, for a very short time, a few years ago, participated in online bullying. I recognized what I was doing after a few weeks, and stopped. I confessed and apologized.
But, the person ultimately killed himself. The worst part was, I saw some emails a few days before his death where he was threatening to kill himself.
But, a year before his death, he was threatening to jump out of a tall building. That's when I told a major bully to leave him alone and I really had it out with this person. (I had stopped a long time ago)

But I'm crying now so hard. I'm actually hysterical. I realize that I know someone that was bullied to death. I couldn't stop it.

I wish I could have helped him. He hung himself with his dog's leash. Why couldn't I have helped him. Why? Why? Why?

I wish he were alive today. Innocent or guilty, I wish he were alive today. I wish he were alive today. I wish he were alive today. I wish he were alive today.

I will forever feel as if I contributed to his death. I did. I wish he were alive today. I wish he was still alive. I wish he was still alive.

I wish I spoke out when I did all of my research years ago. I wish I spoke out. I wish I spoke out. I wish I spoke out. I wish I spoke out.

I might have made a difference. Maybe I could have made a difference. Nobody believed me. He had a tax scheme. I uncovered it. I uncovered his tax scheme.

If I had spoke out, and just kept telling what I knew, MAYBE someone would have listened, and he could have just done his jail time and he would be alive today. I don't know what to do anymore. He was lovely, but he was guilty of a major tax fraud.
But he was lovely and I'm so confused.
I wish he were alive today. I wish I spoke up. I'm a bully and a coward.

[Loveslife]

Dear Diary,
I've been thinking and thinking and thinking. I've been unraveling the layers of what happened, and why I am so triggered.

Tonight, the wife will be speaking HER truth. Everything will look beautiful on the outside of her. She will look lovely and beautiful. (she is actually)

But I KNOW THE TRUTH. On the inside, everything is ugly in that family. The son was not innocent. Not like the wife will make it sound. SHE believes it, so she is innocent in her beliefs. But wait, how can she believe it? She can't. I caught them in a big lie, and she was there telling me the lie too, years ago. They told me they sold their first ACK home, when in fact it was just transferred to their tax shelter. So, she is pretty on the outside, but hiding the truth on the inside.

That's my childhood. My best friend just put it in perspective for me. She told me that I had a childhood that anyone would have coveted, ON THE OUTSIDE. But on the inside, my childhood was not pretty. It was dark and ugly.

My family looked the part, but I was beaten and abused and nobody believed me. It wasn't beautiful. It wasn't what it seemed.

Also, all the sites online, pretending to be pro family, are shells. They are really set up to attack gay people. Pretty on the outside, and ugly on the inside.

Tonight, the interview will be pretty on the outside, but it will be hiding an ugly truth.

I know the truth. I know it about my childhood, about this family, and about all of the fake sites that are set up to look like one thing, when they are really doing another.

That is why I am so badly upset. I just never know where to share my information.

Things are not always what they appear to be, and tonight, that interview will also be representing an illusion.

The illusion of innocence.

Love,
J.

[tina martin]

For now I will speak to your first post to which I can relate. Wish I were there to hold you while you cry in your despair. A close friend of my daughter did the terrible deed. She was the last to be with him. I told her, as I tell you, "The act is theirs and theirs alone. It would have happened no matter what. No one caused it; no one could have stopped it."

Your tears, believe it or not, will help you. We think we play big roles in the lives of others but we usually don't in reality. That is sometimes our ego misleading us. Cherish his memory; let him live on in you.

PS. Does the second post connect to the first? How? Sorry, am confused.

[Loveslife]

My friend told me that it wasn't my fault that he killed himself. I know this intellectually, but emotionally I feel as if I did contribute to his suicide, simply by helping the blogger.

I'm pretty on the outside, but I feel ugly on the inside.

[tina martin]

J, a blogger is a nothing and you were nothing with him. Who do you think does not carry around a load of trash on the inside? No one if you ask me. We are humans, each deeply flawed. I've carried a pile of guilt around not being there for my mother who had this terrible life. And then my brother. J, we are almost all a mess on the inside. At least you are pretty on the outside; I'm not.

But I do the best I can with the inside and the outside. You can too, Love.............T

[Loveslife]

I know you do the best you can, and you are beautiful on the inside and the outside.

I don't agree with you though. I've been sitting here staring at the walls and really thinking about things.

No, I don't agree.

Someone could have helped the person I am referring to. Someone could have prevented his suicide. I'm sure of it.
He didn't receive the right kind of help, but I'm sure he could have been helped. I always thought if he had just learned his
value, and that he was more then his name, and if he had really read LTT, he could have been helped and he could have had a beautiful life. (once he admitted his wrong doings and paid the penalty)

And, I also believe we can make a difference in someone's life. It isn't about ego. I disagree. I believe if we are truly working from our heart, we CAN make a difference in someone's life.

"........If you could only sense how important you are to the lives of those you meet; how important you can be to the people you may never even dream of. There is something of yourself that you leave at every meeting with another person......”
― Fred Rogers

[Loveslife]

PS
That blogger is actually harmful, and has an obsession, I believe. But not all bloggers are nothing. Some of them are diligent reporters of the truth and greatly needed on the internet.

Goodnight, T.

I'm sorry you are struggling with your brother. My best friend's father has alzheimer's, so I'm in the thick of it with her. It's incredibly painful to watch.

Your mind is strong and sound. You have no worries, I'm sure of it. You might not be, but I am. You are as fit as a fiddle.

XO

[Loveslife]

dear diary,

i never told anyone this, because i was afraid i would be hospitalized again. well, i did tell my husband the next day.

the night he killed himself, i too tried to kill myself. i took all of my extra pills, but once again, not only i didn't die, but i woke up early.

that's when i found out that he had killed himself.

ironical.

me.

ps
she walked down the aisle to the song "where is the love" by the black eyed peas. she heard julie playing the song on julie's computer in ack, and hired the harlem boys choir to sing that song.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X_f1P-zIknc

i need to snap out of this.

[Loveslife]

ok, i just called my best friend and told her all of my other secrets. she told me it was bad, and i need to tell my psychiatrist on monday.
she said i need to get it out of me. i need to get the poison out of me. i told.