NinjaFrodo;
I am new to this arena and I am very intrigued by your approach and yearning to be well balanced and the desire to be a more enlightened human being. You have acknowledged areas that you would like to develop further and have set daily goals to achieve your enlightenment.
I am a young gay male who has just accepted that I have lost a part of who I am. I have accomplished a lot compared to my parents and friends in my short 35 years here on earth. I have a very stressful but cool government job, get paid very well, and have met many important people throughout the years. However; all of this seems to have masked the essence of who I truly am. I’d rather be singing, or dancing, or even watching live performances at the Kennedy Center, or feeling the waves of sound cover my body from the blazing horns and drum line of a Drum Corp or even a marching band. I’d rather have the feeling of satisfaction from the simple things in life rather than the discontent of climbing the success ladder and knowing that it is a lonely road. I’d rather take solace in knowing that my legacy here on earth when I’m gone was one that touched lives and made a difference.
I don’t feel any of those things. I feel that I am stuck in an unfulfilling career and everyone is counting on me to be successful but I can’t share that success based on what I do. My relationships have taken a beating and I find myself more and more becoming that Hermit that would age me out of my youth. I don’t feel free, and I feel trapped. Trapped in my mind and trapped in a dream. I no longer feel the joys of life; I no longer know who I am.
You’re thoughts and blogging in some way have inspired me to take action on my own self destructive attitudes and to take control of my depressive state. To get back to the way I felt several years ago when I could feed myself the nutrients that life had to offer. It will be a long journey, and I know that in everything that I face, I will need to be prepared to take steps forward and some backwards. I need to inspire and be inspired; I need someone to talk (write) to while I give them my own undying attention when they are in need. My Journey starts today and if you choose to include me in your journey I’m sure we both can reach our end goals…peace, balance, and true enlightenment.
Sincerely,
Mike M.
Washington DC
NinjaFrodo's Tic Mark Journal
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Guest
RomeoJulieta
Thank you for your supportive words and sharing your story with us
From my understanding you're realizing that where you are in life is not where you want to be. The job you have gives you great financial security and to some extent it's a good job but it isn't who you are. You are counted on to stick with the unfulfilling career and unable to enjoy the "success" that people see in it and in you.
I can definately relate to how you're feeling. I believe the mind uses feelings like the ones you're feeling right now to push us towards getting into things that bring pleasure. I don't know about you but success to me isn't about making lots of money or getting alot done within the job...success is doing things that make you feel good about yourself. I honestly wouldn't consider you to be successful based on your job alone...I would say you are successful for seeing the problem and not just staying stuck. You're pushing towards a brighter future
I'm really happy that you've gotten inspiration out of my blogs. This is the main purpose of mine to put them up here and yes you can definately talk to me along your journey and I believe we can actually help each other.
Neways, for now i gatta get myself to work.
TTyl
Mike
Thank you for your supportive words and sharing your story with us
From my understanding you're realizing that where you are in life is not where you want to be. The job you have gives you great financial security and to some extent it's a good job but it isn't who you are. You are counted on to stick with the unfulfilling career and unable to enjoy the "success" that people see in it and in you.
I can definately relate to how you're feeling. I believe the mind uses feelings like the ones you're feeling right now to push us towards getting into things that bring pleasure. I don't know about you but success to me isn't about making lots of money or getting alot done within the job...success is doing things that make you feel good about yourself. I honestly wouldn't consider you to be successful based on your job alone...I would say you are successful for seeing the problem and not just staying stuck. You're pushing towards a brighter future
I'm really happy that you've gotten inspiration out of my blogs. This is the main purpose of mine to put them up here
and yes you can definately talk to me along your journey and I believe we can actually help each other.Neways, for now i gatta get myself to work.
TTyl
Mike
regarding a recent post:
NinjaF,
I am incredibly saddened by the abuse you experienced and way that has affected how you perceive love, or at least the word "love". i just wanted to say here that I am sorry that this happened to you. And I hope you can experience the true meaning of love, more and more. . . I guess there are many definitions of love out there. But I believe most of us crave, more than anything an altruistic version.
NinjaF,
I am incredibly saddened by the abuse you experienced and way that has affected how you perceive love, or at least the word "love". i just wanted to say here that I am sorry that this happened to you. And I hope you can experience the true meaning of love, more and more. . . I guess there are many definitions of love out there. But I believe most of us crave, more than anything an altruistic version.
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Guest
Hey it might have been alot of suffering but I believe it is the reason why i'm motivated to learn so much about it and to make it a big part of my life...if i wasn't abused then I don't think i'd have started working on my self help until later on in my life and I'd just survive life instead of trying to live it.
Mike
Mike
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Guest
Day 30 (I did the best I could today)
So after my talking with Rob last night I felt alot more empowered and motivated to do my job no matter what...my thoughts were that no matter what happens I'm going to continue calling and putting everything into it and I'm going to trust that I can do it. I got alot more people and I felt great about myself...I can honestly say I did the best that i could do and I'm even more determined to do better tomorrow. I put passion into every attempt and it got me so much further. I spent most of the day focusing on calling women but then spent the last hour calling the men for the focus groups and I actually got a really rude guy and I realized that I'm letting his attitude bring me out of the passionate phase. I don't want to let anybody have that power over me anymore.
As I was going home from work, I actually remembered something that made me devalue the negative stuff said to me when I was in elementary school...back when I was more of a bully. The thought was that they were only words and I can relearn this again but not take it too far like i did when I was younger. The judgements and the negativity is just words and they really cannot hurt me...it's only if I agree with what the other person says and I'm finding the more I spend focusing on love with the wayne dyer meditation, the less I agree with any of the judgements or negativity thrown at me.
I also decided to start attempting to contact the more snobby and negative people in the database at work. I didn't get ahold of them but I do believe it is time to remove the fear of negative people.
Accomplishments;94(0 tics, 80 attempts to be social)
Mike
So after my talking with Rob last night I felt alot more empowered and motivated to do my job no matter what...my thoughts were that no matter what happens I'm going to continue calling and putting everything into it and I'm going to trust that I can do it. I got alot more people and I felt great about myself...I can honestly say I did the best that i could do and I'm even more determined to do better tomorrow. I put passion into every attempt and it got me so much further. I spent most of the day focusing on calling women but then spent the last hour calling the men for the focus groups and I actually got a really rude guy and I realized that I'm letting his attitude bring me out of the passionate phase. I don't want to let anybody have that power over me anymore.
As I was going home from work, I actually remembered something that made me devalue the negative stuff said to me when I was in elementary school...back when I was more of a bully. The thought was that they were only words and I can relearn this again but not take it too far like i did when I was younger. The judgements and the negativity is just words and they really cannot hurt me...it's only if I agree with what the other person says and I'm finding the more I spend focusing on love with the wayne dyer meditation, the less I agree with any of the judgements or negativity thrown at me.
I also decided to start attempting to contact the more snobby and negative people in the database at work. I didn't get ahold of them but I do believe it is time to remove the fear of negative people.
Accomplishments;94(0 tics, 80 attempts to be social)
Mike
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Guest
Day 31 (Uncomfortable Personal Growth)
So the goal for everybody was to get 7 recrutes today and the most i've every gotten was 4 in one day but I was really determined and I just kept phoning and phoning and phoning. I completely believed that I could do it and I actually ended up getting 8. It was amazing! I realize that this didn't completely come from just me alone. The universe gave me the opportunities to get all these recrutes...or what some people would call luck...I choose the correct age group and all but 2 people that I actually got to talk to all qualified for the groups. The universe gave me these and I'm proud of myself for facing my social limitations and improving on getting through these phone interviews.
After I was finished work I had some time to reflect and made a big realization...This job has definately been extremely uncomfortable for me and there were many times that I wanted to quit but it has given me some of the best opportunities to grow...it forces me to get to bed earlier which has been a huge limitation for 14 years, it forces me to face my social limitation everyday and makes me overcome my negative thoughts of faithlessness. This is definately one of the best jobs I can be in right now even if it feels uncomfortable. It also helps me to move along at a decent pace instead of trying to go too fast with my limitations and getting myself too sick. A little bit at a time seems to be alot more effective than everything at once. I can handle a little but everything is just too overwhelming and I just caught up more on how I feel and cannot really enjoy or get much from the experience.
I also realized that it has been a big habit to not feel that I did the best when I put forth effort and now I understand why. I made physical effort as in I did the actions in order to attempt whatever it was I was doing but I wasn't putting the mental effort into it. I felt that i needed to protect myself and conserve my mental energy and so I would do whatever it was but I wouldn't put the faith into it that I was going to do it no matter what. I just figured as long as i physically do it then i'm doing my best but it has no meaning if I don't believe that what i'm doing is going to get anywhere and then it is funny actually, it just falls apart or doesn't turn out very well at all.
Another insight with the passion...It doesn't really matter so much about what you say at all...as a therapist you could tell someone that you don't know the answer to the client's question and they can still trust you as long as you put the confidence & passion into your words and the treatment you do. I think this'll come in handy when I get obsessed about trying to know every little thing and trying to prepare to answer every question that all the clients may ask me.
Accomplishements;95 (11Tics 60 attempts to be social)
Mike
So the goal for everybody was to get 7 recrutes today and the most i've every gotten was 4 in one day but I was really determined and I just kept phoning and phoning and phoning. I completely believed that I could do it and I actually ended up getting 8. It was amazing! I realize that this didn't completely come from just me alone. The universe gave me the opportunities to get all these recrutes...or what some people would call luck...I choose the correct age group and all but 2 people that I actually got to talk to all qualified for the groups. The universe gave me these and I'm proud of myself for facing my social limitations and improving on getting through these phone interviews.
After I was finished work I had some time to reflect and made a big realization...This job has definately been extremely uncomfortable for me and there were many times that I wanted to quit but it has given me some of the best opportunities to grow...it forces me to get to bed earlier which has been a huge limitation for 14 years, it forces me to face my social limitation everyday and makes me overcome my negative thoughts of faithlessness. This is definately one of the best jobs I can be in right now even if it feels uncomfortable. It also helps me to move along at a decent pace instead of trying to go too fast with my limitations and getting myself too sick. A little bit at a time seems to be alot more effective than everything at once. I can handle a little but everything is just too overwhelming and I just caught up more on how I feel and cannot really enjoy or get much from the experience.
I also realized that it has been a big habit to not feel that I did the best when I put forth effort and now I understand why. I made physical effort as in I did the actions in order to attempt whatever it was I was doing but I wasn't putting the mental effort into it. I felt that i needed to protect myself and conserve my mental energy and so I would do whatever it was but I wouldn't put the faith into it that I was going to do it no matter what. I just figured as long as i physically do it then i'm doing my best but it has no meaning if I don't believe that what i'm doing is going to get anywhere and then it is funny actually, it just falls apart or doesn't turn out very well at all.
Another insight with the passion...It doesn't really matter so much about what you say at all...as a therapist you could tell someone that you don't know the answer to the client's question and they can still trust you as long as you put the confidence & passion into your words and the treatment you do. I think this'll come in handy when I get obsessed about trying to know every little thing and trying to prepare to answer every question that all the clients may ask me.
Accomplishements;95 (11Tics 60 attempts to be social)
Mike
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Guest
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Guest
Hi Mike. Again I have to say, I am truly happy to see the response to this thread. Session Three is the key, but many people get hung up here. Journaling is not an easy task, especially for someone who has never used journals, or self-notes as a process. This thread demonstrates over and over, how to do this. And the honest discussions which result are quite nice, too. You are helping show how to go inward and turn the light on -- then record what is revealed. Such a good thread.
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Guest
LisaLisa
You're welcome, I'm glad you've gotten something helpful from the journalling. Lesson 3 is very important and I actually think i should go over it again myself. I've kinda let myself slip with the tic marking.
Pecos
You're always so supportive and I really appreciate this. I think alot of the time with lesson 3 the hardest part for people is accepting their negativity. I also like the discussions that result from the journalling as well. I really do hope others join in the forum journals...sharing the experience of our journey's can help so many people.
Mike
You're welcome, I'm glad you've gotten something helpful from the journalling. Lesson 3 is very important and I actually think i should go over it again myself. I've kinda let myself slip with the tic marking.
Pecos
You're always so supportive and I really appreciate this. I think alot of the time with lesson 3 the hardest part for people is accepting their negativity. I also like the discussions that result from the journalling as well. I really do hope others join in the forum journals...sharing the experience of our journey's can help so many people.
Mike
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Guest
Day 32 (Negative Ego)
It's the weekend again! Means a break for me from the call centre but i still get to work at the restaurant...Man my work schedual is really getting to me. I can't handle working 8 days a week for much longer.
I took a short nap for about an hour today so I could function at work later on but that didn't seem to help. I was just as much a zombie before as I was after. Maybe i needed more rest, after all I'm putting alot of effort towards facing my social limitations and it does leave me really exhausted. Neways, I knew i was going to have anxiety and I told my friend (the super in charge) that I was tired and that I'm going to do my best but I am feeling a little exhausted and anxious and she understood.
I really didn't feel like socializing so much today and you know what, I deserve to have some time off from facing social limitations. I work really hard on it at the call centre. I think getting through the day was alot easier after I allowed myself this social distance.
I got paid yestaurday at both jobs and now I have some money and it feels great! I don't feel as worried about my finances and If i'm going to have to struggle to make rent or have enough money for food and travel. I also got myself a pair of shoes since mine were all destroyed due to sucky quality and quick wear and tare.
One of my biggest struggles lately is that my ego is coming up really strong. I was told that the ego can be really tricky especially as we progress. I'm constantly thinking that I'm better than other people and that I've done things that other people cannot do. I feel bad because this isn't true and it doesn't make other people feel better. I'm posting on the forums sometimes just for the sake of posting and i'm really not focusing on helping the other person at least not in the moment. I write something and then I think wow I'm the best...I'm not the best though and everybody has infinite potential to do amazing things!
Accomplishments;25 (8 Tics, 0 social attempts)
Mike
It's the weekend again! Means a break for me from the call centre but i still get to work at the restaurant...Man my work schedual is really getting to me. I can't handle working 8 days a week for much longer.
I took a short nap for about an hour today so I could function at work later on but that didn't seem to help. I was just as much a zombie before as I was after. Maybe i needed more rest, after all I'm putting alot of effort towards facing my social limitations and it does leave me really exhausted. Neways, I knew i was going to have anxiety and I told my friend (the super in charge) that I was tired and that I'm going to do my best but I am feeling a little exhausted and anxious and she understood.
I really didn't feel like socializing so much today and you know what, I deserve to have some time off from facing social limitations. I work really hard on it at the call centre. I think getting through the day was alot easier after I allowed myself this social distance.
I got paid yestaurday at both jobs and now I have some money and it feels great! I don't feel as worried about my finances and If i'm going to have to struggle to make rent or have enough money for food and travel. I also got myself a pair of shoes since mine were all destroyed due to sucky quality and quick wear and tare.
One of my biggest struggles lately is that my ego is coming up really strong. I was told that the ego can be really tricky especially as we progress. I'm constantly thinking that I'm better than other people and that I've done things that other people cannot do. I feel bad because this isn't true and it doesn't make other people feel better. I'm posting on the forums sometimes just for the sake of posting and i'm really not focusing on helping the other person at least not in the moment. I write something and then I think wow I'm the best...I'm not the best though and everybody has infinite potential to do amazing things!
Accomplishments;25 (8 Tics, 0 social attempts)
Mike