I know this is a well covered topic and I may be beating a dead horse here, but when I read your post I had to respond.
After re-reading your post I was a little confused. It sounded as if you were already in a relationship with your wife when you first met this other woman. Is that correct? So you never had a relationship with her, but wanted one or you did have a relationship with her while you were still dating your girlfriend, now wife? Correct me if I am wrong.
I have concerns here on many levels. If I interpreted this correctly than you were contemplating an affair of sorts before you even married your wife with this woman. Now that you are married, you are still considering it.
Putting the words "flirtatious" and "doing nothing wrong" together is inaccurate. If you are having contact with another woman whether by phone, email, letters, in person meetings, whatever, that you are not telling your wife about and your wife has previously asked you not to have contact with this woman, you are clearly doing something wrong. Your conscience knows this and that is why you are bothered by it and put up on this post.
What you are doing is an emotional affair. You are expressing interest in another woman and wondering what if..... even if you are just talking and reminiscing about the past, their is an intent there. "You can leave your hat on" is a purely sexual song. It is all about having sex with someone. You are kidding yourself if you think it was all innocent.
She obviously realized it was heading in a bad direction and that is why she returned your stuff and ended it so abrumptly. Either that, or her husband caught her and she had no choice.
I may sound like another ***chy female, but I have been here. My husband had a "friend" at work who he just started talking to casually at work, which led to friendly co-woker lunches, which led to flirtation, which led to explicit emails, and eventually sex. This lasted almost a year.
I think you said you had a kid or the other woman did, if you both do not respect your spouses enough to not tempt fate, you should respect that child.
I reached out to an ex...
It's all fair criticism. I know that I am not Ward Cleaver. You interpreted the history part right. I gave serious consideration to dumping my wife who was my girlfriend at the time. I never slept with Abi the old girlfriend because of our age difference but I was tempted back then and she was 20 at that time and willing.
It is a case of good intentions getting muddy. Someone I thought was the love of my life that I just couldn't be with because of a whole host of complicated issues.
The explanation I got from Abi was that she was seeing a phychologist and that talking about the past was the part giving her anxiety. She had admitted to wanting to marry me back then but she had told me back then that she wasn't looking to. That was a major factor in my decision to stick with my wife.
I really do/did not want to have an affair with her but it was hard looking back and not rediscovering old feelings. I really tried to keep those in check. I just have to stop the "what if" thinking and leave all of this behind me.
Believe it or not the continuation of the emails did give me closure and it was not all "a stroll down memory lane" as Frances said. I saw a photo of her on her wedding day on her facebook profile and other photos of her with her husband. I even told her that I was glad that she looked happy. The fact that she told me that we would never be together spoke volumes to me. Ultimately she is still all about her but I hope that she overcomes her issues.
The context of "Leave your hat on" was when she had utubed me a song of "Crash into me" was when she "felt naughty". We had utubed each other songs. It was not personally directed at each other. Honest! And I have been brutally honest in this tread...
I did not feel that anything "crossed the line". In my opinion that would have entailed either nude/provacative photos or a proposition to a hotel room. It never reached that level. I am sorry that you were a victim of this.
We are in marriage counseling - should I really admit this? I honestly felt it was just a chapter of my life that I could/should close. I felt that I owed the program to my wife and this small piece of it to my ex who needed closure also.
I can't really defend wanting to continue the friendship. That is where I think I am most in the wrong. I just don't know if admitting to it is worth potentially wrecking my marriage. Being a positive person I would hope that my wife would be understanding. We have known each other since '95.
It is a case of good intentions getting muddy. Someone I thought was the love of my life that I just couldn't be with because of a whole host of complicated issues.
The explanation I got from Abi was that she was seeing a phychologist and that talking about the past was the part giving her anxiety. She had admitted to wanting to marry me back then but she had told me back then that she wasn't looking to. That was a major factor in my decision to stick with my wife.
I really do/did not want to have an affair with her but it was hard looking back and not rediscovering old feelings. I really tried to keep those in check. I just have to stop the "what if" thinking and leave all of this behind me.
Believe it or not the continuation of the emails did give me closure and it was not all "a stroll down memory lane" as Frances said. I saw a photo of her on her wedding day on her facebook profile and other photos of her with her husband. I even told her that I was glad that she looked happy. The fact that she told me that we would never be together spoke volumes to me. Ultimately she is still all about her but I hope that she overcomes her issues.
The context of "Leave your hat on" was when she had utubed me a song of "Crash into me" was when she "felt naughty". We had utubed each other songs. It was not personally directed at each other. Honest! And I have been brutally honest in this tread...
I did not feel that anything "crossed the line". In my opinion that would have entailed either nude/provacative photos or a proposition to a hotel room. It never reached that level. I am sorry that you were a victim of this.
We are in marriage counseling - should I really admit this? I honestly felt it was just a chapter of my life that I could/should close. I felt that I owed the program to my wife and this small piece of it to my ex who needed closure also.
I can't really defend wanting to continue the friendship. That is where I think I am most in the wrong. I just don't know if admitting to it is worth potentially wrecking my marriage. Being a positive person I would hope that my wife would be understanding. We have known each other since '95.
pujols,
let me say this. i think that all of us have had things that have happened in our lives that we are ashamed of. after i was seperated from my ex and was waiting for the divorce to be finalized. she told me that we could not live togehter but, we could be friends and she said a word that i will not say here or anywhere else.we have children together and i called her when our son got out of prison.she has found someone else and has moved on but has not remarried yet.i have remarried and have been since april 6 2004.it would be wrong of me to go see her and go do things together.i know that i could but if i look back to why we are divorced then i would be crazy to do it.it would be adultery.would i go out to lunch with her. if my wife and son and daughter was with me i would. but, that would never happen.you said that you met her in 98 i think that was correct.if it has taken 10 years then i can see why your marriage is rocky.please talk to your wife and go see a marriage counselor.i know that both of you love each other and can work it out. you say you are in your 30s and that is young.you could be my son.i know what it is like to not be loved and your wife might feel that way.i can not judge you because it says to not judge less you be judged yourself.take care of yourself and if you have time please read my profile. it will help you alot.take care and good luck to you and your wife and i wish you both good luck and God Speed.be blessed and keep in touch.
don
let me say this. i think that all of us have had things that have happened in our lives that we are ashamed of. after i was seperated from my ex and was waiting for the divorce to be finalized. she told me that we could not live togehter but, we could be friends and she said a word that i will not say here or anywhere else.we have children together and i called her when our son got out of prison.she has found someone else and has moved on but has not remarried yet.i have remarried and have been since april 6 2004.it would be wrong of me to go see her and go do things together.i know that i could but if i look back to why we are divorced then i would be crazy to do it.it would be adultery.would i go out to lunch with her. if my wife and son and daughter was with me i would. but, that would never happen.you said that you met her in 98 i think that was correct.if it has taken 10 years then i can see why your marriage is rocky.please talk to your wife and go see a marriage counselor.i know that both of you love each other and can work it out. you say you are in your 30s and that is young.you could be my son.i know what it is like to not be loved and your wife might feel that way.i can not judge you because it says to not judge less you be judged yourself.take care of yourself and if you have time please read my profile. it will help you alot.take care and good luck to you and your wife and i wish you both good luck and God Speed.be blessed and keep in touch.
don
-
proudmomof2
- Posts: 35
- Joined: Wed Jul 09, 2008 2:26 pm
You know yourself better than anyone else. So only you know what your true intentions were in striking this relationship back up on any level. I have often wondered about where my old boyfriend is now and how he is doing, but have never attempted to contact him out of respect for my husband. Now, he did not show me the same respect, but we managed to put things back together through counseling, seminars, alot of talking, etc.
The question you need to ask yourself is, if you are hesitating in telling your wife that you talked to this woman, is it because you still want her? If it truly was a method of closure only, you wouldn't have a reservation about telling your wife.
I know what the what if thinking is like. I wonder a lot about what if I had found about the affair sooner, what if I had not been pregnant, would I have stayed with him, did I make the right decision, etc., etc., etc.
We will never know what could have been. We are faced with choices throughout our lives. Once we make a decision, that's it. No turning back, no do-overs.
I agree that some things are just hurtful and telling your wife would only be for your benefit, such as when I found out about my husband's affair and we talked about it all I wanted to know every last detail, what was said, how did it start, and on and on, I drove myself crazy! I decided that knowing it happened was enough, I didn't need to know the nitty gritty.
If you are having doubts about your marriage, you need to be honest with your wife. She deserves that much. You may be able to mend your relationship and you may not, but at least you and she will know you gave it all your effort which right now you are not with this other woman in your thoughts.
The question you need to ask yourself is, if you are hesitating in telling your wife that you talked to this woman, is it because you still want her? If it truly was a method of closure only, you wouldn't have a reservation about telling your wife.
I know what the what if thinking is like. I wonder a lot about what if I had found about the affair sooner, what if I had not been pregnant, would I have stayed with him, did I make the right decision, etc., etc., etc.
We will never know what could have been. We are faced with choices throughout our lives. Once we make a decision, that's it. No turning back, no do-overs.
I agree that some things are just hurtful and telling your wife would only be for your benefit, such as when I found out about my husband's affair and we talked about it all I wanted to know every last detail, what was said, how did it start, and on and on, I drove myself crazy! I decided that knowing it happened was enough, I didn't need to know the nitty gritty.
If you are having doubts about your marriage, you need to be honest with your wife. She deserves that much. You may be able to mend your relationship and you may not, but at least you and she will know you gave it all your effort which right now you are not with this other woman in your thoughts.
Thank you and everyone else for your honest opinions and compassion.
You put a different spin on it.
In our first counselling session the therapist asked if I loved my wife. I said "I love her but I am not sure that I am in love with her".
This was the day before her birthday!
It is the fact that I don't have as much in common with my wife that I do with Abi that concerns me the most. However - my wife is a better person and truly loves me and that cannot be discounted.
You put a different spin on it.
In our first counselling session the therapist asked if I loved my wife. I said "I love her but I am not sure that I am in love with her".
This was the day before her birthday!
It is the fact that I don't have as much in common with my wife that I do with Abi that concerns me the most. However - my wife is a better person and truly loves me and that cannot be discounted.
-
proudmomof2
- Posts: 35
- Joined: Wed Jul 09, 2008 2:26 pm
I hope I was not too rough on you Pujols. Just having been on the other side of this, I know how these things turn out.
I think you really need to take some time to figure out what you want. If your heart, head, body and soul are not 100% in this marriage, it will not work. What you told the therapist speaks volumes. It is normal to go thru periods of falling in and out of love with your spouse, but if you had doubts about her from day one and pretty much married her by default, you started out on false pretenses. If she loves you like you say she does, doesn't she derserve someone who loves her back in the same way?
I think you really need to take some time to figure out what you want. If your heart, head, body and soul are not 100% in this marriage, it will not work. What you told the therapist speaks volumes. It is normal to go thru periods of falling in and out of love with your spouse, but if you had doubts about her from day one and pretty much married her by default, you started out on false pretenses. If she loves you like you say she does, doesn't she derserve someone who loves her back in the same way?
First of all you have not been too rough on Pujols5. Lets recap this game so far.
1st inning vs. Pecos - Strikeout
3rd inning vs. Whiskersonkittens - Walk
6th inning vs. FrancesL - Hit by Pitch (on the head) Bench clearing brawl. Tony La Russa ejected.
I am trying to maintain my sense of humor here. Pujols is the 1st baseman for my St. Louis Cardinals. Where in Illinois are you from...a Cubs fan perhaps?
I have given a lot of thought to your last statement and I kept coming back to it after completing the program. She definately deserves better than me. She said that it would be very easy to leave me right now but she would be worried about me living alone.
I don't know who I am or what the hell I want and it is starting to scare me. This is not how I used to behave.
Thanks for not being judgemental and for having the courage to challenge me.
1st inning vs. Pecos - Strikeout
3rd inning vs. Whiskersonkittens - Walk
6th inning vs. FrancesL - Hit by Pitch (on the head) Bench clearing brawl. Tony La Russa ejected.
I am trying to maintain my sense of humor here. Pujols is the 1st baseman for my St. Louis Cardinals. Where in Illinois are you from...a Cubs fan perhaps?
I have given a lot of thought to your last statement and I kept coming back to it after completing the program. She definately deserves better than me. She said that it would be very easy to leave me right now but she would be worried about me living alone.
I don't know who I am or what the hell I want and it is starting to scare me. This is not how I used to behave.
Thanks for not being judgemental and for having the courage to challenge me.
-
proudmomof2
- Posts: 35
- Joined: Wed Jul 09, 2008 2:26 pm
Judge not, less you be judged. Right. I am actually about 15 minutes east of St. Louis. Cardinals fan here too and always up for a good challenge.... its in my blood!
Did you have a discussion with your wife? Is that when she said this? It sounds to me like you actually have it a little easy here. With her statement, I would bet she knew this was coming and was not completely surprised. We all know these things, we just don't want to admit them.
If you two can truly walk away, no children involved, and still be friends, that would be wonderful. I don't know you or her, but I think you are clearly not committed 100% to making this work, and she realizes that. It won't work any other way.
Can I ask how old you were when you got married? Did you date a lot before getting married, go away to college, etc.? I ask because I often struggle with who I am now and who I wanted to be. A lot of it stems from not pursuing dreams and getting to know me before getting married.
I wish you both the best. Just be honest with each other, you and she will be hurt, but in the end, isn't a year of unhappiness alot better than a life time?
Did you have a discussion with your wife? Is that when she said this? It sounds to me like you actually have it a little easy here. With her statement, I would bet she knew this was coming and was not completely surprised. We all know these things, we just don't want to admit them.
If you two can truly walk away, no children involved, and still be friends, that would be wonderful. I don't know you or her, but I think you are clearly not committed 100% to making this work, and she realizes that. It won't work any other way.
Can I ask how old you were when you got married? Did you date a lot before getting married, go away to college, etc.? I ask because I often struggle with who I am now and who I wanted to be. A lot of it stems from not pursuing dreams and getting to know me before getting married.
I wish you both the best. Just be honest with each other, you and she will be hurt, but in the end, isn't a year of unhappiness alot better than a life time?
No problem. At the expense of some personal embarrassment maybe this will cool off some of my critics.
I was 27 when I got married. My wife and the ex were the only two that I really dated.
I went to an all boys catholic school for high school. Being shy this made things exceptionaly difficult for me. I was not hanging with the in crowd and going to parties. I was kind of a nerd and completely focused on getting accepted to the college of my choice.
I went to college at Notre Dame. The dating opportunities here were scarce. A lot of the ND girls had boyfriends back home or just were such serious students that they didn't want to date. At that time the school was 60-40% male. I think my anxiety was at its worst during this time. I was an 1100 SAT student when the class average was about 1300. I worked my butt off and having a social life wasn't really practical. Junior year I tried dating an ND girl named Kathleen. She only wanted friendship and was less than forthcoming. I was devastated and my confidence was at an all time low.
I met my wife in '95 right after Abi kicked me to the curb for a second time. I dated for several months before getting serious. I lost my virginity at age 24 which is practically unheard of these days for a male or female.
We have a 4-1/2 year old daughter.
I was 27 when I got married. My wife and the ex were the only two that I really dated.
I went to an all boys catholic school for high school. Being shy this made things exceptionaly difficult for me. I was not hanging with the in crowd and going to parties. I was kind of a nerd and completely focused on getting accepted to the college of my choice.
I went to college at Notre Dame. The dating opportunities here were scarce. A lot of the ND girls had boyfriends back home or just were such serious students that they didn't want to date. At that time the school was 60-40% male. I think my anxiety was at its worst during this time. I was an 1100 SAT student when the class average was about 1300. I worked my butt off and having a social life wasn't really practical. Junior year I tried dating an ND girl named Kathleen. She only wanted friendship and was less than forthcoming. I was devastated and my confidence was at an all time low.
I met my wife in '95 right after Abi kicked me to the curb for a second time. I dated for several months before getting serious. I lost my virginity at age 24 which is practically unheard of these days for a male or female.
We have a 4-1/2 year old daughter.
-
proudmomof2
- Posts: 35
- Joined: Wed Jul 09, 2008 2:26 pm
Relationships in high school and college are some of the hardest just because we are so young and naive.
I didn't date much either. I had one serious boyfriend before I met my husband and I met him when I was 18. I lost my virginity to him as well, so have never been with anyone else.
I realize you may be confused and be doing a lot of what if thinking, however, you need to get it in check. You have a 4 year old daughter. How would you feel if in the future the man that marries your daughter decides to explore his feelings about an old girlfriend or isn't sure about how he feels about her anymore? You would want to tear his face off for hurting your daughter!
Think about that. You owe it to yourself, your wife and your daughter to really sit down and have a long talk with yourself about what you want and then have a long talk with your wife as well. Whether you stay together or you don't, that little girl will always be in both of your lives so you will have to stay in touch regardless. If you handle yourself with dignity and honesty, your wife will respect you for it.
I didn't date much either. I had one serious boyfriend before I met my husband and I met him when I was 18. I lost my virginity to him as well, so have never been with anyone else.
I realize you may be confused and be doing a lot of what if thinking, however, you need to get it in check. You have a 4 year old daughter. How would you feel if in the future the man that marries your daughter decides to explore his feelings about an old girlfriend or isn't sure about how he feels about her anymore? You would want to tear his face off for hurting your daughter!
Think about that. You owe it to yourself, your wife and your daughter to really sit down and have a long talk with yourself about what you want and then have a long talk with your wife as well. Whether you stay together or you don't, that little girl will always be in both of your lives so you will have to stay in touch regardless. If you handle yourself with dignity and honesty, your wife will respect you for it.