What I wish I had known in my younger years

Don57 · Post by **Don57** » Sun May 18, 2008 3:59 am

I didn't feel "whole" when I left home. I had a lot of times I felt "empty" inside, and I found that my vocation didn't fill that void. So, I figured that the reason for marriage was to complete both partners and make them "whole". LOL. Was I ever mistaken. I'm still a work in progress when it comes to feeling "whole", but I'm on the road that gets me there and that's a lot more than what I had in the past.

On page 322 of his book, "Feeling Good, the New Mood Therapy", Dr. David Burns states, "There is a difference between wanting something and needing something. Oxygen is a need, but love is a want. I repeat LOVE IS NOT AN ADULT HUMAN NEED! It's okay to want a loving relationshuip with another human being. There is nothing wrong with that. It is a delicious pleasure to be involved in a good relationship with someone you love. But you do not need that external approval, love, or attention in order to survive or to experience maximal levels of happiness."

Through 30 years of marriage, a lot of emotional turmoil, and life experience I have discovered that what he is saying is TRUE. IF you don't agree, I suggest you look within yourself and challenge your assumptions about life and love.

The reason I didn't feel whole was due to low self-esteem and self confidence. But I didn't understand myself that well in my 20s and didn't realize this was my problem.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Sun May 18, 2008 4:57 am

I have Dr. Burns' book and it has been read so much it is falling apart now. I love what he has to say and it has helped me a great deal. I loved the exercises on activities and to check if you did them alone or with a partner and then to rate how much you enjoyed the activity. What an eye opener! Sometimes (in fact a lot of the times) I enjoyed these activities just as much if not more when I did them alone. I wanted another person along but didn't need them to enjoy myself!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jun 10, 2008 2:54 pm

Gosh, I remember reading that Dr. Burns book ages ago. Just shows me how long I've been dealing with this issue of anxiety and mild depression. It's funny, cuz years go by and I think I'm doing well and I'm involved in things that make me happy. But then I spiral down and get all into the self-help stuff again. Then I abandon it for long periods of time until I spiral down again. It's like Groundhog Day. LOL! And when I feel anxious and depressed like I have recently, I mentally go back in time to my younger self who was experiencing these issues. I think getting older has actually helped me to not be as anxious about dating and marriage. It just isn't a big deal to me now that I'm out of that club scene and all my friends are married off. That's until someone tries to fix me up and yikes! LOL!

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jun 24, 2008 8:21 am

You said that very well, and it certainly applies to so many of us. If I knew then what I know now, well, I'd have had a much different life.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jul 28, 2008 2:36 pm

I can identify with not being whole. When I left home at 18 I wasn't even finished so to speak let alone "whole".

I'm currently struggling with the love thing. I'm in a relationship and it just clicked for me that I really don't need this person to be who I am and that I don't really need someone to take care of me.

It's been very hard for me because I feel that I should want to get married, but I just can't bring myself to do it. Somehow I feel like I have grown so much on my own and I just don't want to give up my freedom. I feel guilty that I feel this way and I feel guilty that I can't return my partner's love. I know that he loves me more than anything, but I can't muster up much more than a "he's o.k" feeling. I enjoy his company and think that I love him but I just don't want to make a commitment right now, and I wish that I felt more toward this person.

My depression comes from trying to deal with these feelings. This program has helped me start to accept that is just is how I feel and that I can just sit with it and not do anything for right now. I guess I'm starting to feel o.k about not needing to be in a permanent relationship right now.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Mon Jul 28, 2008 3:51 pm

I was doing pretty well in May. Right now I'm struggling and can't pull myself out of the hole. I've got negative thoughts, but can't come up with anything to counter them. Some of this I can't discuss on the forum. I feel defective, at times very guilty for legitimate reasons. That's why I'm having a problem with guilt and how to counter it. Add a lot of failures and I have a recipe for depression. Dang it I came out of this several years ago and I really thought I was out for good.

My wife has a "core", that is she NEVER experiences depression or guilt. She can get anxious in a stressful situation, such as a new principal and her right hand girl coming in and taking over the school last year. But she ALWAYS comes out on top.

My wife is like a cat, she may get thrown off a roof or something not so high, but she always lands on her feet.

When I was in basketball in high school under the mentorship of the coach for three years, I developed a core, but it's only on the court. I still have it. I passed that on to my son when he played and I think it helped him develop a core, but I suspect he got most of it from my wife. I'm just glad he's not experiencing failure like I did in college. He's in touch with himself and really doing great.

My main problem is my sleep cycle and just not being able to consistently get to sleep before 2am or later. Without a stable sleep cycle I can't work. I was fired because of this in 1997.

Some of this, a lot of it is my thinking, but I think some of it is physiological. All my docs thought and think that. I just didn't want to accept it. I still don't. Maybe I'm bi-polar, I don't know and my doc doesn't either. I don't exhibit hearing voices or thinking I have to save the world. I do have some mood swings. I just don't know. I'm just sick of not functioning well and especially not working. I hate not feeling good enough.

Sorry, for the negative stuff. I honestly don't know how to pull out of this. I hate to say this, but I think I'd like to be on my own, no longer married. I've been married for 31 years in August. I married someone very caring and solid, but I didn't have as strong of feelings for her as I thought I should and they never developed. I married because the wife wanted it, not me. Geez, how screwed up is that. I didn't want to hurt her. Truth is I didn't know who I was as a person nor what I should be looking for in a relationship. My very first girlfriend I had very strong feelings for even though she wasn't as pretty as my wife.

If I could only find something to combat the guilt with, but I have no clue. It's legitimate guilt. I don't want to be telling myself lies and keep telling myself lies and start believing lies in order to get better. I'm not a good person. I have character flaws and I can't find a way to overcome the flaws. I've tried for over 40 years now. I see myself as a bad person, not based upon hypothetical reasoning but real life events. I am very messed up and everybody tells me it's up to me to change it. I don't know how.

The program says there are some people with a lot of potential who never figure out how to overcome their problems with depression or anxiety. That's how I am feeling.

jess23 · Post by **jess23** » Tue Jul 29, 2008 3:11 am

Hi Stacy and Don, I was just visiting my online peer group this morning, and was going to quick check and sign off because I have a very busy day. But, I read your posts and had to reply. Don't know if I have anything to offer, but first, Stacy, don't ever go into and stay in a relationship out of negative things manifested from guilt. I got married to a brilliant man when I was 22. He wanted to get married, not me. I had an excellent job, a house, a car, and my family was a big old dog and a little cat. I was happy. He was out of the USAF, kind of rambling about, no roots. I went on to work full time days, and picked up more stuff by going to post grad school at night. He worked a bit here and there, then went back to school during the days. I supported him, I paid his tuitions. Every time he graduated, he thought he needed another degree. This went on a lot of years. After he was firmly settled into his career (a very good field, I must say), he left me. I later found out from his family he married me for my stability, my good income, my steadfast dependability. Seventeen years, I was just college tuition. And I married him not because I loved him, but because he insisted. Life is short, Stacy, if you really get the tools of this program down solid, you will make good life choices. And you will be happy. I really wish that for you.
Don, I have gotten to know you in these posts, and I do not see or sense a bad person. You did the married thing. If you knew then what you know now, well, you would have made better choices. I don't know anything about your marriage, but you have changed. She has changed. You are different people. Sometimes the changes deep inside are so strong, and our outward obligations are so strong, that we end up with a paradox that leaves us frozen. Maybe that is what happened when my own marriage ended. We had a paradox. He married me for tuition, I married him because he insisted, and we got along quite well all those years. We seemed pretty happy to our friends. The inner core you talk about is where we find out strength. If you leave your marriage I hope you can do it with grace and compassion for yourself and for her. I have to look back and see honestly all the really good stuff that came into my life during all my years of marriage. I loved my life and my ex was part of it. I know I cared deeply for him. That wow-you-just-got-me-forever feeling? No. Yeah, I had that feeling for a man I dated before I got married. He became like a best and dearest friend for years after my marriage. Then, the night before he got married, he came to my house and asked me to go for a drive. We drove for hours. He asked me to marry him. I was already married, and he was getting married in the morning. I told him the old responsible, stable reply, reminding him we had obligations. If I could go back to that night, and I knew things like I am learning in this program, I would have made an entirely different decision. But, here I am, a half century of life behind me, and who knows how much more to go. I have a brand new tool box. I am learning to see and think and live life with the truth. That for me is the total answer here to me, to you, to all the people who get and work this program. Carolyn said it on one of the CD's. Just tell yourself the truth. And then I think everything works out like it is supposed to work out. I sincerely wish you the best.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jul 29, 2008 9:05 am

Hi Pecos, what a post. your post really got me thinking. I too would have made different decisions had I had the self esteem and strenght I do today. A combination of wisdom that comes with age and going through this program. The gift I have recieved from my marriage is my children, and I am trying with all my heart to make my marriage work for them. Good luck to you and thanks for sharing your story. Nicki

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Tue Jul 29, 2008 11:53 am

Hi, Thanks for the reply. Right now I'm just concentrating on getting better and not making any rash choices. Thanks for the support.

Guest · Post by **Guest** » Thu Jul 31, 2008 12:00 pm

Hi, very intence conversation. My Father said "make your big desions from a healed place". In other words, before making desisions of great importance... do it when your mind is healthy or you desion will only be the fruit of an unheathly tree.