feelings making me feel bad/guilty

Pixie_tired · Post by **Pixie_tired** » Wed Feb 20, 2008 8:27 am

I'm feeling bad about feeling flattered when I saw an ex boyfriend. It was at a mutual friends wedding and just happened to be a week before I got engaged to my now husband, over two years ago.

My ex was flirty that night and we danced a couple times as when we broke up we remained friends and we were friends before we dated. I really liked this guy but we tried dating a couple times and both times he would just stop calling and then months later we would meet up and be friendly toward each other, literally just talk as friends. After the 2nd time we tried dating I was over really liking him because of the way he ended things without communication again.

At this wedding like I mentioned we danced a couple times (my hubby's not one to dance...

I usually get a couple in) and he said things about how lucky my husband (then boyfriend at the time) was, this and that. Yes, he was drunk but also said how he screwed up one too many times with me, yada yada. I just said, I really liked you but obviously we didn't work out for a reason because now I was with my boyfriend and knew he was the one.

I just feel bad I was flattered by the things he said and that I actually wanted to dance with him that night but I don't really know why, I guess he asked me both times and found that flattering too.

I've talked to my husband about this and how flattered I felt that night - I just feel like it was wrong for me to feel that way by someone else, you know?

I even caught the bouquet at this wedding and remembered thinking, I hope he (my ex) catches the garder, then it would be like a rub it in your face type thing. I don't know, just feeling bad, like it was in appropriate to have these feelings.

It's time for my one weekly post on here I guess.

bevhembree · Post by **bevhembree** » Wed Feb 20, 2008 8:57 am

Hi. First I think it's great that you and your husband could discuss the situation and feelings. I think that is really awesome!
Now, I think you are just a normal human being. Just because we are married doesn't mean we don't feel attraction to other people. We just don't act on it. And I think that your feelings are normal based on the fact that you once cared for this other man. I don't see anything wrong with dancing, reimenescing (sp?), and having past feelings arise.
I just came back from my 20 year class reunion where I spent an hour talking to my college boyfriend whom I also went to high school with. He approached me while my husband was up getting food, and poor hubby just sat there all that time not knowing anyone. It was extremely flattering to hear the ex talk about how special the time we dated was and how proud of me he was for doing what I've done in my life. He also knew several things about me that floored me, and I finally questioned him. He said that he always asked about me when he ran into my dad, and this has been going on for years. We have a mutual aunt by marriage that lives next door to my grandparents. He said that he always looks for me next door when he visits the sick aunt which is often.
I think it's normal to wonder what might have been and that doesn't necessarily distract from your marriage. It's just a curiosity. I wouldn't trade me hubby for the world, and was proud to be going home with him that night.
But remember that we are all just human ands subject to human thoughts. Especially being that you've been so open with your hubby, I don't think there's one thing you should be worrying about. Give yourself a break. There's been no wrong doing here. You're a very good person. Beverly

deedee00 · Post by **deedee00** » Wed Feb 20, 2008 8:57 am

Pixie being flattered over a compliment is a very normal thing. Don't feel guilty because of that. It's not like you kissed the guy or anything. But telling you husband every little thing like that is only going to cause problems in your relationship. It's only going to cause jealousy to creep into your marriage. Are you going to tell him if a stranger on the street tells you that you're beautiful? Men are very jealous people, maybe even more jealous than women, from my experience. So be careful with telling him unnecessary things.

Pixie_tired · Post by **Pixie_tired** » Wed Feb 20, 2008 9:11 am

thanks to both of you and your experiences too. when i told my husband he was so understanding, said its normal to feel flattered, that was back in july when i first felt bad about this, today it came back for some reason. i don't tell my hubby everything but i can tell you i do feel guilty when for instance a guy at the gym makes small talk with me. i don't go looking for conversations when i'm there but a couple weeks ago a guy started talking with me and when i thought the convo was over he started it up again. i felt sooo guilty about this and i know its stupid. and i thought he was cute so i felt bad about that too but i really didn't say much with him because i don't care to have these convos!! i pondered telling my husband but by the time i got home, had talked myself out of it. don't get me wrong, i talk to my husband about a lot of things that bother me, he knows i need to get things out although i am working on breaking this habit i have formed, confession if you will.

another thing i feel bad about is that i used to have fantasies (with whoever or recall past intimicies)in my head too to get in the "mood" i chose to stop doing that once we married as it felt wrong but i felt bad about this for awhile too and ended up telling him. again he was good about it all, he never thinks what i tell him i feel bad about is as big a deal as i blow it up in my head to be. i don't like telling these things but its that guilty mind and i feel wrong, like i betray with my thoughts.

deedee00 · Post by **deedee00** » Wed Feb 20, 2008 9:45 am

Hi Pixie. You are a good person and the program will teach you how to get rid of your guilty mind. But there's nothing wrong with small talking with people, it's called making friends. There's also nothing wrong with fantasizing about other people to get in the mood. Men and women do it all the time.

Your husband is so understanding of these things probably because he does it and he knows that there's nothing wrong with it as long as you are not flirting and making plans with other people. Your husband shouldn't know every thought you're having. Keep some things for just you. Your mind is personal, nobody is supposed to know everything you're thinking because if that were true, your thoughts would be written across your forehead.

Pixie_tired · Post by **Pixie_tired** » Wed Feb 20, 2008 12:42 pm

Thank you DeeDee! your last post does make sense, and i've thought he probably does it too. i know the things i feel bad and guilty about are really quite normal things, its just my mind making me feel bad or preverted in some way. I have finished the program but i think round 2 will be necessary. thanks again