The Challenge...Lesson 8

[mcshope]

Paisleegreen,

Maybe you can give the hormones a try, they could help... However the program has made a huge difference for me.
It is a trial an error... you have to try different things and see what works for you.

Hope

[NinjaFrodo]

What-if the anxiety from facing the anxiety is less than that from avoiding it? What-if I feel more comfortable with anxiety and it dissipates? What-if I see my anxiety as excitement and never fear it ever again? What-if what they say is true and I realize that most of my worst thoughts never happen? What-if I regain control of my life? What-if I started to believe that there is no such thing as failure? What-if I faced my anxiety and realize that nothing can stop me from achieving my dreams?

Tuesday's thought replacement

1)What an ignorant douchebag.
[Label]
(acceptance)
->He was behaving in a way that seemed very ignorant and I didn't deserve that. His behavior doesn't work for me but he is not his behavior.

2)He shouldn't have been so inconsiderate with how I felt.
[Should]
(Semantics)
->I would have appreciated a more considerate response from him as he is a friend and I deserve that kind of respect from a friend. He however lacks in this department and so he cannot give me that respect. This is a lacking on his part.

3)I didn't respond the right way, he didn't get the message.
[All-Or-Nothing, Should]
(Double standard)
->I am still learning how to communicate effectively and so of course I'm going to make errors and not get the response that I'm after all the time in the beginning or ever really. Only by going through situations like this will I get good at handling these situations. I didn't do as well as I had hoped but I did very good with using the techniques and I stated how I felt. I'm proud of myself and I will use this experience to become even better the next time.

4)I should have responded better.
[Should]
(Acceptance)
->I didn't respond as skillfully as I expected but I am not as skilled as I desire to be with these techniques. I responded the way someone who just starts off would respond.

5)I'll never understand these communication techniques enough to handle these tough situations.
[Overgeneralization, Fortune telling]
(examine the evidence)
->Beginners have to make many mistakes in order to learn, the more I practice the better I become, I practice on a daily basis, people have told me they felt more understood.

6)I'm feeling down so I must not be doing what I need to do in order to recover, I'm falling behind.
[All-or-Nothing, Mental filter]
(Rebuttal)
->I'm tired, I forgot to take the anti-depressants last night, I'm feeling down because of that earlier situation with my friend, many things went wrong today, I've been posting for 5 hours today and feel mentally exhausted, I'm frustrated with my sleep, I'm concerned with affording christmas, I feel guilty for not getting a job, I feel bad for missing working out, I feel bad for losing my workout journal, I feel bad about my room being messy, I have been on the go since 4pm and haven't allowed myself time to relax and watch some shows or anything else.

7)I should be out there getting interviews and getting a job because I have all the energy and motivation to better my life.
[Should]
(double standard)
->I just started to allow myself to be who I want to be and I'm going through so much change right now and I don't want to overwhelm myself with change, that could lead to a relapse. I am working on my limitations on a daily basis and that is sufficient enough right now.



Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

THH;

So you are saying that its ok that I share what I want to share like my plans and such right? You are finding useful things from them. I understand that context you are giving the example for, If I don't want to eat alone then I could be direct and ask if they would be intrested in going with me. This makes sense to me but what if I'm just feeling really good about my plans to face my limitations, I wanted to share that but not really involve the other person in those plans? I just want to share for the sake of sharing. I could involve other people into my plans and well I could also talk about my results instead of saying I'm going to do something. I don't know, I might just be overanalyzing this and it really might not matter that much at all. I've only really had problem with that one person and I don't think its fair to myself to change this because of one person. I will just not share that much with this person, limit the communication or just stop talking to him altogether.

Ha I heard this song everyday when I was working at the ski hill many years ago. Thank you for posting it.


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

mcshope;

Thank you, I do feel that I am become more free and i'm happy that you are happy for me. There are still several things that are difficult for me to deal with which you probabbly noticed with that friend I talked about. Its a process.

Ok so it sounds like we all seem to feel the same way and expressing our concern about missing posts does sound like a really good solution, I hadn't thought of it that way . Now before-hand I would say you have alot of really great things to contribute and I feel I get things from them but after learning the communication techs I want to change my response. Contradicting you would not be sending the message that I'm listening to what you have to say so I want to know more about what makes you feel the way you do. So what makes you feel like you don't have anything particular to contribute?

You know he does say that he has had to deal with this stuff himself and I do remember him telling me a long time ago about him having depression but I think he might be in denial with things and possibly hiding behind his beliefs. He definately does have alot to learn and he doesn't seem like he has any idea how to be empathic and understanding which I'm judging based on all the interacts i've had with him.

I'm actually very envious of you that you can let things go by and not get into arguments. I think I might still get offended pretty easily.

It makes me feel good that you told me my idea for the CN tower is a brave one. I think it is brave that you've gone for job interviews, I'm not sure i'm ready to face that limitation. The heights seems to be one of my easier ones.


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

Paisleegreen;

Thank you for understanding where I am coming from when it comes to my friend. You really sound like you understand the importance of my CN tower plan.

The your your link? I honestly do not know how to respond to the cat's nose situation. I'm sorry.


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

Ok a things I wanted to talk about.

1)I usually don't ask people to Kratique me (at least not conscious/directly but with this new set of communication techniques I do need some kind of feedback because I'm not very good at empathizing and knowing how it feels so, within this last week, do you feel like I have really listened to what you had to say and understood you? How do you feel I respond to you now compared to anywhere before this last week?

2)I've just posted in these forums and given you guys what I thought and felt would be helpful based on my own needs and experience but what is it that you all need? What would you like to see more of? What works for you and what doesn't work for you? I want to maximize the effectiveness for everybody or at least influence it so I'd like some feedback.

3)New lesson starts on Friday


Mike

[mcshope]

Mike,

You are right, it is a process. Sometimes I am still affected by what people say, especially if they are close people or someone with authority, like a boss.

When I say that "I don't have anything to contribute" I mean that I can't find a comment that will add or benefit the situation. It has nothing to do with you contradicting me. Actually, I welcome a different point of view... Now, of course I would like people to agree with me all the time... giggle... however that would rob me of new opportunities to learn and grow...

Imagine fish in a pond, if the water is not moving, chances are the fish will die. The fish needs the water to move and get more oxigen... WOW, that was a huge insight for me... if things don't move, if we don't find obstacles, we stop growing, we stop learning.

Hope

[NinjaFrodo]

mcshope;

I'm glad you shared how you felt with me. I'm not saying that its necessarily a bad thing to share my point of view and say things that are contradictory to you but if I'm going to share this information I think It would be more beneficial to hear what you have to say first so I can get all the facts. I could be way off in my assumptions and give you what I think is helpful information that might not be. You deserve to be heard. You are human not a rubix cube or some crossword puzzle to solve and I know for me it just feels alot better when people listen to how I feel and what i'm thinking. Is this how you feel after my last message to you?

That is a great analogy and insight. How does this stuff fit into your concern that you don't have anything to contribute?


Mike

[Paisleegreen]

Mike, it is okay about the "cat nose" thing. It is a little thing. Sometimes, we fuss over the little things, because the Big Things are too painful and hard to "win" or compromise on.

DH really has never said I'm being selfish upfront like that and I didn't play into his "game" either. I kept the cat to myself. Which is symbolic in a way, because DH makes many decisions without using my input or considering my feelings. It seems it is more him using a "guilt" trip to control me. Where he is the one that doesn't handle confrontation very well, nor never had family meetings in his household or discussions of what chores need to be done or listening to how they feel in so many words. We have totally different backgrounds.

I just threw the "cat nose" incident into the inquiry scenario. But just to add a tidbit of info, when we were engaged and I talked about having a "cat" in our house. He bluntly said, "No cats". I was shocked and stunned! I love cats! Always had a cat in my family home & had to go without when going away to college.

So I was hurt when I first heard this about no cats and didn't know how to respond. It wasn't until after we were married and living in his parents' basement was I able to have a farm cat and her kittens come into our living quarters due to me having a miscarriage. Then he saw how nice "house" kittens could be. He always liked cats, just not in the house.

[Paisleegreen]

Hope--I like your Fish Pond analogy, since I recently cleaned out my fish pond so that my fish will have clean water to over winter in. I don't want to be stressed over a frozen pond without adequate air for the fish. Yikes! Been there, done that!

Imagine fish in a pond, if the water is not moving, chances are the fish will die. The fish needs the water to move and get more oxygen... WOW, that was a huge insight for me... Big Grin if things don't move, if we don't find obstacles, we stop growing, we stop learning.

P.S. I'm on some HRT. Not the full pill form due to it felt energizing to me and then the GYN says not to take it, so I'm on limited HRT.
Then the DRs say it takes a while for it to work. I hate hearing that, cuz one DR worries about uterine cancer, then another says HRT is beneficial to prevent colon cancer and helps w/bones, then a new report on TV tells how HRT affects the heart, then on DR OZ or other DR show says that secretly GYNs use HRT even though they wouldn't advise their patients to do so.

Its no wonder we are all messed up!