The Challenge...Lesson 4

[mcshope]

Hi Mike,

I had to print the article because it is hard for me to read on the computer.
I hear you and I agree with you 100%. It is not an easy task to set goals for ourselves, sometimes we are not even sure of what we want.
Working on your recovery became a full time job for you, however in the process it seems like you forgot to live.
If someone has all the tools at hand, that someone is you. You have been a great motivator and a great inspiration for me. It is nice to know that you will be here and that you will respond to our posts. I really appreciate you doing that.
Now it is time to get out and live...
The same way you divided your goals in sub-goals, the same thing you can do with these new goals... put them in order, from the easy ones to the most difficult and focus on one at a time.
Do not rush, do not try to take all at the same time.
You have the skills, you just need practice.
And PLEASE, remember that you are ok, yes you are ok... don't think of all the things you would like to change, you are ok now, just the way you are.
Hope

[NinjaFrodo]

No matter how negative I feel or what symptoms come up, I am still ok. I accept the reality of each moment and do not fight it. I have goals and I achieve them. When I feel frustrated, I know it is a sign that I'm on the verge of making a breakthrough and taking a big leap on a goal

In response to Karen L;

I'm glad you feel proud of yourself. Situations like these can really seem negative because it is so easy to just dwell on the negative aspects of it however the thing is, is that it is change and change is what we are going for. Change is the journey and optimism is the destination. Thats great, you can hear the same thing from diffrent people. Maybe i should become a councellor eh...mmm maybe not!

You have also noticed that you felt good followed by bad when there was nothing in those moments that really changed besides your thoughts. No single event was making you feel that way, the way you were thinking was doing that.

There is also a theory that like minded people attract like minded people. You were very negative and so maybe that you attracted to negative. I know myself growing up I was attracted to negative friends and even negative personality traits in a potential partner. I thought it was cool for people to be rude, get angry, put people down and be inconsiderate to others. So I found people with those traits to be attractive both on a emotional level as well as a physical one. As I changed over the years I've started to find more positive and optimistic friends and I actually see those same personality traits that I found really "cool" to be more of a weakness. Those personality traits are more destructive and do not help to achieve most goals in life or in relationships. I used to think positive people were weak and stupid but my thoughts on it have done a complete 180. I don't really find those negative people as physically attractive anymore and I think its really cool.

Thats good you see it as a tunnel because it's very easy to see it as a brick wall. You are making great progress!


In response to mcshope;

ya and your timing is just amazing with that post! I am noticing this today with how we can know stuff but it doesn't help until it clicks. It strange how that works and I just noticed that I was doing that to myself with expecting it to be fixed every morning I wake up. I'm starting to not like the concept of recovery but well its defined diffrently by everybody.

Glad you liked the video. The way I took it was similar but I didn't feel like I was good enough because I didn't get complimented, they didn't tell me how much they cared about me and wanted good things for me and ignored me when I needed help the most. I always felt that I needed to be perfect for people to care and love me. However this is their problem and not mine and doesn't reflect my worth at all. You don't know if you are good enough or not...well what is good enough? What does someone have to do in order to be worthwhile? Can't you just be worthwhile by just being alive?

You don't like big groups of people eh. I guess you do alot of "mindreading" when it comes to people then. I did that with my laughing. I would laugh when I thought people expected me to do so and it was really funny because there were some times I would laugh and nobody else would laugh and then I'd feel uncomfortable and people would stare at me. Its funny now neways.

Well I didn't feel very much anxiety with the cleaning and yes your right the feeling good was more important and it was more powerful actually. That was one of the times where my negative was underneath my positive! I can feel less anxious like that too at least when watching a tv show or when i'm cuddling with someone.

I think TM is something that Deepak Chopra talks about. I got into something similar to that with the Mindfulness Meditation except with that one you notice a thought come up and then you keep bringing yourself back into the present or focused on your breathing. There wasn't really a matra. I'll check out the website a bit later, just going to do a bunch of posting first.

Good I was hoping it would be helpful to post the cognitive distortions. It can make it easier to detect irrational thoughts and well as replace them. Just wait until I post about the diffrent negative feelings.



Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

mcshope;

No its not always easy to set goals but I feel it has gotten alot easier because of this lesson and those affirmations I have posted earlier.

It really has become a full time job for me, just coping and surviving has but yes your right I did forget to live.

Awe you are so kind with your words. One of my biggest goals in life is to inspire and motivate people and it definately put a smile on my face when I read that I've been that positive influence.

Yes I can't work on all the goals at the same time. Just a few at a time. My goals of putting effort towards my skills and interupting habits and now I think I'll add sleep to that for now as well as whatever the lesson i'm on talks about as well.

Thank you,


Mike

[Karen L]

I am on the road to recovery. There may be speed bumps, wrong turns, traffic, and I may even get lost, but I am moving in the right direction.I am in control of my life and I now see that I am the one that creates my own anxiety. I will overcome this.


Hope


I have a long list of things I dont want in my next relationship lol

what's bad that I didnt mention earlier was I had a best friend for the last 8yrs....back in June I ended our relationship...she is very hung up on a man that is not good....since she has moved in with him she has become very distant and can only talk when she is not at home...anyways, she started lying to me (her boyfriend was texting me and pretending to be her) and when I confronted her she lied and stuck up for him....that was just more than I could handle in a friendship.....so that has added to my loniless, she was really the only true friend that I had.....

Its very hard for me to get out and meet new people as I dont wander out too much.....I need to start going back to the Alanon meetings, the people there were great and very understanding....havent been there in about 2 months...I need to make that one of my short term goals, to get back there again....anyways, I really do hear what you are saying about just having friends, that would definitely help with the lonliness and would also lift my spirits Im sure.....Ive often heard love finds you when you stop looking......so hopefully one day I will bump into Mr Right, but like you said, I need to take some steps toward making some new friends

I did check out flylady.....seems very interesting.....I am going to go back and look some more later.....what's funny about me is that I was always a neat freak......people were coming to see the house and not me, as I believe Carolyn said on one of the tapes....it is a good think that I have relaxed a bit on the cleaning....but Im getting to the point that Im sick and tired of cleaning up after my kids, especially my 22yo daughter.....she is planning on moving out and I do want her to leave because it is so much added stress and anger......but at the same time I wont have her to run errands that I feel I cant do myself....so this is a hard one for me....and I do know I need to be doing my own errands lol...it's just been hard for me getting back to the larger stores....

I also liked that tm.org site that you recommended for Mike......looks like something I could really benefit from.....do they offer that around the country and is it that expensive everywhere??

still just so exhausted, thats another reason the housework is lagging a bit....but Im getting there lol..

how are you???


Mike

I totally agree with Hope....if anyone has the skills and knowledge to overcome this it is you...you just need to get out there and practice them......you are so good at the positive talk when it comes to others......you need to treat yourself with that same compassion and understanding

you would make an excellent counselor

I think part of the reason I continued the relationship with my ex is the "need to fix people"....I know alot of nurses that have problems with this.....many are involved with addicts, alcoholics, even ex cons.....I need to leave the "fixing" in the medical profession and not bring it so much into my personal life.....like I said before, that was the only time I felt good about myself, so Im sure that was part of the reason I sought out people that needed "fixed"......but I am definitely ready for someone that is not "broke" the next time around lol

[NinjaFrodo]

No matter how negative I feel or what symptoms come up, I am still ok. I accept the reality of each moment and do not fight it. I have goals and I achieve them. When I feel frustrated, I know it is a sign that I'm on the verge of making a breakthrough and taking a big leap on a goal.

Thursday; (continued)

Relaxation
1)Mind guided meditation, Relaxation cd both in the am;
I was really negative when I woke up and while listening and following the words on both guided meditations I was able to escape that for the duration of the session.

2)Relaxation cd before bed;
I was really glad that I did this as it has been hard to motivate myself to use it instead of rushing myself to get to sleep. I was exhausted but not as much before getting to bed so I did it. It did calm me down which helped with sleep.

Thought replacement
1)I have too many things to work on in order to recover. I can't do it
[Magnification and minimization]
->There are many things that are influencing me on an emotional level and I have my whole lifetime to work on those. I don't need to solve all of them before I can feel good about myself or live life the way I want to. I can only deal with a few things at a time and only each moment I'm in. My daily accomplishments will add up and take care of my bigger goals. I don't ahve to worry about it.

2)I don't feel happy so I must not be getting better or recovering
[Emotional reasoning]
->I am still anxious and depressed so I'm still going to have many moments where I feel bad/negative but I'm also going to have moments where I feel good as well. With practice of my skills and time, I will have more positive moments and less negative ones. It will take some time but I can get through this and make the most out of my moments weather negative or positive.

3)I should be interupting my negative thoughts more often or else I won't recover
[All-or-Nothing, Should]
->I am interupting some thoughts and each time I do, I become better at it and the skill becomes more ingrained. There is no level at which I have to achieve today in order to qualify for recovery. I'm doing a great job as I am interupting thoughts on a daily basis. That is good enough to recover.

4)I'm feeling discouraged so I'm not trying hard enough with thought stopping
[emotional reasoning]
->I feel discouraged right now because of my expectations. Its not realistic to expect myself to feel happy all day long right now. I am depressed and so I should have moments where I feel down like I do right now. Thats good that means I'm successful with being on track. I feel discouraged now but it will pass. My day is mixed with feelings of both the negative and positive kind.

5)My thought stopping isn't effective. Its not going to work
[All-or-nothing, Fortune telling]
->My thought stopping doesn't work all the time but it works a decent ammount of the time. It is a skill so I may not be very good at it in the beginning but every time i do it, I improve and it becomes more effective. I can also survive times when I feel negative, I can float through them and let them pass on their own.

6)I should've kept up with the 6 steps, now I definately won't recover
[Should, Mental Filter]
->Just because I forgot about them doesn't mean I haven't been using them. I have done the thought stopping and self-talk along with acceptance, distraction and letting time pass. I could however utilize the breathing more often and use this negative thought as a reminder. There is no time limit I need to recover and so what-if I forgot about the breathing, big deal! I can do it from now on

7)I should be using the relaxation cd more than I am or I'm not going to recover
[Should, All-Or-Nothing]
->I improve with relaxation each time I do it, not only when I use it a certain number of times a day. I am still recovering and if I choose to do it more then I could potentially speed up my progress. I am still doing a great job with the relaxation cd as I am using it on a daily basis.

8)I'm just going to forget the skills and lose my motivation when we're done the program so what is the point?
[Fortune telling]
->My motivation doesn't just come from going through the program and I am certainly not completely out of control of my own breain that I would stop going after my desire for a great life and just accept more suffering when I know I can do something about it. I may have given up many times before but the past doesn't equal the future and things are much diffrent then all those other times I went through the program.


Mike

[THH]

Karen,
I'm glad you found some humor in there! LOL... We all need to keep a sense of humor about us. Life is not all serious, even the critters take time out for a bit of "goofing off".
Be careful not to get on the questioning treadmill. Some things, I have learned have no answer, only leads to deeper thoughts and obsession. Rather I have just let go wondering why I turned left instead of right. Today is a new day and if I turned right I go right and enjoy this journey. I don't think I have ever given myself any explanation of very many things from my past, that I believe, that has turned out to be true, it was just my perception of a situation that changes as we get older and now many years later..."it don't matter"! I wish I could grasp that concept when I was younger!
There is some saying that our first childhood we can't change, but the second one, Its up to us! ( Something like that,I'm bad at remembering jokes and such.)
I think Mike has said some pretty good things actually everyone has Great Insight! You will get there, you already are on your way!

[NinjaFrodo]

ALL;
Tomorrow is the start of lesson 5! I'll put a link tomorrow!


Karen L;

Thank you again for the good words. I am practicing slowly but it can be very scary to go after some of the bigger things. My positive talk seems to be really easy when it comes to others and a bit more challenging when it comes to me but I think i'm getting better at it.

Ah ya I've done that as well. When I was younger (way before the program) I would try to help people and fix their problems for them. I would even try when they didn't want help so I can understand that mindset you are talking about. When I read that the question that came up is why did you get into nursing in the first place?

I'm sure you'll find someone alot more compatible when you're ready to get out there and meet new people

[THH]

Mike,
Yes it has happened before. Just about a month after I joined.

I'm sorry, I didn't explain very well. Having the horses done, I meant having their horses shod. My husband trims horses feet, and makes handmade steel shoes and applies them. "Farrier ", a Blacksmith works medal, a Farrier is like a podiatrist for horse's!

I did much better this year, do to me going through this program. I did a much better job at making a reasonable schedule & fighting to keep from adding to make it too busy. Most people did find a way to take what I had offered. Once I got going with it, it went much easier. I think maybe 1 out of 20 went else where. So I really did handle things in a more positive manor. The results were very promising. I wish I had started this 10 years ago.

My negative thoughts are easy to catch if I am looking for them. If I get moving real fast, caught up in life no. I react like the old days. When I feel bad, stomach, I ask why, like you, what is wrong with me? Then I back track what was I thinking, was I stressing? Usually I go yep. Relax, pay closer attention and redirect my thoughts, by that I mean not allowing myself to dwell on the negative thoughts.

I read the link you posted and I really like it.

I don’t know about you all...but when someone comes here and asks if it’s possible to recover from this...my first thought seems to be hmmm..."I don’t really know." When they ask to hear from those who have recovered...I always hold back...thinking..."I’m not sure I can claim to be recovered"...and this makes me feel like I’m falling short of my own goals and desires. But if you ask me if it’s possible to heal...I can say absolutely yes...I have begun healing, have healed much, and have made great strides. And while my direction is not always forward and my pace not always as fast as I’d like...I know I am continuing to heal and I am doing it with these foundations of positive thought...I am not focused on recapturing what I have lost...I am focused on moving forward, gaining confidence and self assurance, an inner calm, and I am healing...and I feel good about this and can’t afford to and don’t wish to measure it against some end result. This may just seem like an exercise in word games, but I don't think so...the words we use are important. For those who come here wondering if recovery is possible...I think I'd tell them to start with working on healing the person they are today.

I liked that about the word recovery. We have personality traits that make us prone to the anxiety and depression. We are Great people, good problem solvers. Caring,compassionate on and on. That is us.

I liked # 3 interrupting my negative thoughts.
They are all very good. I might add that you can never forget your skills.(as in #8. You may panic for a minuet but you will grab your tool box and start to bring your self back to center. ( 6 steps )
This was a good lesson, #4. Lets revisit in a couple weeks to see how everyone is doing with our expectations!

[Karen L]

I am on the road to recovery. There may be speed bumps, wrong turns,traffic, and I may even get lost, but I am moving in the right direction. I am in control of my life and I now see that I am the one that creates my own anxiety. I will over come this,


THH

I try to laugh as much as possible..it really helps me feel better

Im glad you brought up the questioning treadmill.....I didnt even think about that.......and it is so true that there may just not be answers....especially like you said about the stuff from many years ago....that was a lifetime ago and I cant put myself back into that mind-frame
thanks


Mike

I completely understand how the positive talk comes alot easier when we are telling it to someone else...partly I believe because we are objective, but also because our thoughts are usually rational.....also think we wouldnt talk to people as bad as we talk to ourselves...

I became a nursing assistant at 21yo because I was divorced with 2 kids...I couldnt afford daycare and the nursing home had free daycare..I loved it and decided to go to nursing school about 3 years later.....always have loved the medical profession....one thing I learned was to not get too emotionally involved.....that was impossible with me...I have cried with my share of families...nursing just make sme feel "whole",it does something for my soul....that's the best I can explain it

hope you hgave a good evening

[Karen L]

ran to corner store this evening and drove around for a bit......anxiety was a lil bit high, so I didnt stay out very long....instead of beating myself up I just thought, "well, I've been through alot the last few days and I am still just exhausted, so it's ok to feel this way.....and its ok to go home and just relax"......
now the anxiety is lower.......so was a good evening as I was able to diffuse the anxiety and not start the whole negative cycle..