The Challenge...Lesson 4

[Karen L]

I am on the road to recovery. There may be speed bumps, wrong turns, traffic, and I may even get lost, but I am moving in the right direction. I will use my skills daily because I refuse to let anxiety, fear, anger, and depression control my life. I am strong and smart. I can do this.


A bit anxious and depressed. Started an arguement with ex last night, probably just so I could distant myself. Prior to that, I noticed he was quickly acting like man I remember; very defensive, accusing, and trying to control everything by basically blaming stuff on me. Had some dizziness during the night which was mild compared to the last time. Was able to get up and take the kids where they needed to be this morning....kinda just in a state of uncertainty, well maybe more some just trying to comprehend what happened this week-end and why I allowed it to happen.....probably the best thing for me is to accept it, forgive myself, and move on, like Mike said....I'll have to see if I can do that....


THH

Like you, I know I could have my ex with the kind of life we had before if I wanted it. And like you, I know that I cant make myself feel good with it. It seems like we dated the same man lol...the big thing is the words not matching the actions.....

my confusion lies in the short term relief I would get by being with him and my unrealistic hope that he will change...where if I stay away I do not get any immediate relief, but will be better and healthier in the long run...I just always want immediate gratification and Im just tired of being alone, sad, and hurt....but then again when I am with him I still experience these feelings...I know it wont work out and I know I wont get back with him....I just keep putting myself back in this same situation....I guess to hold myself back in my recovery....maybe to have an excuse to not have to get better...

you did hit the nail on the head, my intuition really scares me..

thanks for everything


Mike

I wish I would have read your suggestion on being assertive before I talked to him....that would have been alot better that starting an argument and I probably would feel a bit better had I taken that road....I am putting that in my back pocket for later in case I get myself in that situation again

As far as my baggage, I dont want to someone else to have to deal with being the object of my struggles with my ex....I dont want to "use" someone else....but mostly, the trust of another person is a big issue for me....I will work on that.....need to remind myself that not everyone acts like my ex...

very good point about emotions my ex magnifies in me........they definitely are not the emotions I would chose to magnify...thanks

I do notice the confidence in your post the last several days...I can tell you are feeling better... the big thing is your reactions to situations have been very healthy...very good job

please let me know when the next lesson starts, thanks


Jamie
you seem to have a handle on the whole license situation.....remember, you dont owe anyone anything, even an explanation....do what's good for you in the present moment

[mcshope]

I am more recovered everyday. No matter how negative I feel or what symptoms come up, I am still ok. I accept the reality of each moment and do not fight it. I have goals and I achieve them. When I feel frustrated, I know it is a sign that I'm on the verge of making a breakthrough and taking a big leap on a goal.

Good morning everybody.

Today is going to be a busy day, I have friends coming this afternoon and I have tons of things to do arround the house.

I wish everybody has a GREAT day.

I will talk to you later.

Hope

[Karen L]

I am on the road to recovery. There may be speed bumps, wrong turns, traffic, and I may even get lost, but I am moving in the right direction. I will use my skills daily because I refuse to let anxiety, fear, anger, and depression control my life. I am strong and smart. I can do this.


Mike

that is an awesome idea to play a game with the negative thoughts, it makes you more aware of them and gives you motivation to get rid of them...

as far as lesson 4 I didnt do very well at not having expectations....but this actually was a good week of learning for me because I can now see how my expectations of my ex changing is unrealistic and only causes me more anxiety and depression....I cant expect things that I have no control over....I did feel good when I wasnt putting expectations on myself, but instead feeling good when I chose to do things...I will work on that now and praise myself for my accomplishments

my phrase for the day "life isnt fair"

[Karen L]

Hope

have a great day and enjoy yourself!!!

[THH]

Karen,
Maybe you just figured out your secondary gain???

How scary, it could be the same guy! LOL... it is such a personal journey. It is good you realize it is a unrealistic hope that he will change in the way that would be pleasing to you. Don't forget about your self, you can't stay the same either. No matter how hard you try you can't stay the same. We change as we grow older. Not just our body's, but our inner being needs to grow as well. We must feed the spirit as well as the body, and bad relationships among other things, makes us focus on all the negative things in our lives. We as people who are so sensitive don't need to internalize all this negative input. This is something I have learned.

Maybe you can look at these last few meetings with him as a reminder to yourself of what you don't want.

I also have become in touch with me being my safe person. Last year my husbands brother died suddenly from a crash. His wife is so lost, and I put myself in her shoes for a very long time. I don't know how it will go but there is a chance that I may survive longer than my husband. I have no kids to be with me in my old age to look out for me. I have to trust myself, it is very hard to plan ahead and no one can. But I can tell you this, that going through this program has helped me deal so much better some of my being alone fears. It will give you new ideas and directions to look at. We are here for each other!

[THH]

SeaRunner,
I'm glad you feel strong about your company not having a hidden agenda.
Do you believe its for your better interest by getting your PE licensed?
It does sound like you have a good group of people surrounding you! Thats a biggie!

Just adding thoughts. Colorful thoughts! I think there is alot of great people here. It is weird knowing that we talk on here to people we never have met. Yet we have so much in common.
Its good to just be quiet sometimes too. I get my best ideas after that!

[NinjaFrodo]

I am more recovered everyday. No matter how negative I feel or what symptoms come up, I am still ok. I accept the reality of each moment and do not fight it. I have goals and I achieve them. When I feel frustrated, I know it is a sign that I'm on the verge of making a breakthrough and taking a big leap on a goal

First of all I just wanted to say that this problem with the forums happened at the best time. It was actually kind of funny but it just corresponds very well with our lesson about expectations. We come here expecting to be able to post and get posts for our responses but then this happened where we couldn't do so. Should we have been able to post? No, because we weren't able to...that is just the reality of the situation. Does this mean it will always happen like this? Probabbly not, this is the first i've seen this happen in 6 years.

In response to Karen L;

Ah so you got into an argument with your ex and he responded in the same way he usually responds. I'm assuming the anxious, depressed and dizziness came from that or was influenced. Keep in mind the only thing you can really allow is your own actions and even then it can be hard when fear is involved.

Well I think it was actually a good thing that you read my suggestion after the argument. That argument is still fresh and you can write down everything you remembered about what you both said. You can then take his responses and figure out assertive responses to that. This is great data you can use to create your own assertiveness exercise.

I am there with you on the baggage thing as well so I can't really say much for right now. Perhaps it is better to work on this stuff right now but right now doesn't equal the rest of your life. You'll get to the stage where you can trust again, I have faith.

Yes I am making great breakthroughs lately and feeling happier and more confident. I'm actually excited when I wake up...thats pretty cool! I think its almost about time to do a reflection as we are almost 1/3rd of the way through the program. Don't worry however, you are suppose to be at the stage with your anxiety as you are right now. This is your own speed of recovery and we all have diffrent speeds. Mine has been slow since i've done the program for 6 years but its starting to speed up now. I have even made a really awesome discovery but u'll hafta read my daily posts on monday and tuesday to find out. Despite all this I'm actually getting physically sick again.

Next session starts on Friday.


In response to mcshope;

I hope everything went well with your freinds coming over to your place.


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

In response to Karen L;

Yes it really does motivate me more when its a game.

Lol I'm sorry but i have to laugh. You are expecting yourself not to have expectations. I hope I'm not offending you as that is not my goal but it just sounds kinda funny. You aren't going to not have expectations at all, thats not really reasonable and even if that is something reasonable its not reasonable for them to be completely gone after 1 week of trying. The lessons aren't something that just end after we are done that week. You can still bring them up, go back and that information will be in the back of your mind and will lead to more Ah ha moments. You did very well and you deserve praise not beaten for not doing it 100%. You are learning and growing and it would be more beneficial for your goals to be that...not to be your overall goal. You will just end up doing what I've been doing...getting discouraged for not fulfilling your overall goal. (I just realized this today with myself)

Good phrase...I'm using that one in my self-talk.



Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

I think these are important affirmations that you will find useful. I have found these to be really amazing and have changed that perfectionist attitude within myself. The key to looking at these affirmations is;

1) not to see it in a black or white kind of way. You may only slightly live life in the way of the affirmation maybe 1% but that would still mean it is partially true.

2)Not as something that will fix you. Reading these affirmations strengthens the skills and beliefs everytime you read them. You aren't trying to reach a fixed place with the affirmations. You get to improve and become stronger each and everyday you read them.

3)If your life isn't like them at all and you find it hard to accept them. Imagine it as the future you telling the present you what your beliefs are in the future.


So the affirmations are;

I never demand perfection of myself, but I expect the very best of what I have to give - and that's what I get!

Perfection does not live within myself or anybody else. People make mistakes, think irrationally and have unrealistic expectations. I do not fault them for this. They also learn, grow and become better as well

I do not expect perfection of others. I respect the strengths and weaknesses of others, I do not judge them for their weaknesses

Perfection does not exist, I enjoy working and always improving. I am satisfied with my efforts. When I improve and do better, I am even more satisfed

Perfectionism is stressful, overwhelming and depressing. There is no space in my head for perfectionism.

Perfectionism is lonely and very unsatisfying. Its not enjoyable.

Perfectionism is hopeless and saps motivation. It causes guilt and a sense of inferiority.

Whenever I do something wrong I say to myself, "doing things wrong looks human, I am human, I allow myself to be human"

I am satisfied if I am even 1% effective in anything I do and I'm even more satisfied when I improve and become more effective.

I do not accept and follow other people's beliefs that I cannot do something. I enjoy proving these people wrong.


Mike

[NinjaFrodo]

I am more recovered everyday. No matter how negative I feel or what symptoms come up, I am still ok. I accept the reality of each moment and do not fight it. I have goals and I achieve them. When I feel frustrated, I know it is a sign that I'm on the verge of making a breakthrough and taking a big leap on a goal

Monday;

And I'm feeling sick again but this time I think it is the beginning of strep. My body is forcing me to rest so I guess I really need it. However this is not going to stop me from doing what I need to do which is practice using my skills on a daily basis!

Comments

I'm working with and am working on being less prejudgemental. There were people on this one dating site that I go to and I saw this one person who I immediately thought was stuckup because of how they looked. I decided to actually respond to their message that they sent last week and give them a chance.

I also decided to try starting up a conversation with some peole that are on msn but I hadn't talked to in awhile. I kept telling myself that these peole aren't interested in what I have to say. I had a really good conversation with one person about CBT and changing core beliefs like perfectionism. He was very interested in what I had to say and wants to go for lunch sometime.

I have alot of expectations when it comes to friends;
they should call more often, my close friends should make time for me, they shouldn't hangout with friends they met through me without inviting me, they should always be there for me and always be my friends.
Well none of this is reasonable to expect. I'm starting to let this go slwoly by accepting that life isn't fair, those people are just people like everybody else which means if they leave my life, I can find other people who I feel good around, people come and go, they drift apart and sometimes they need time apart and thats alright to. I feel more comfortable with all those things.

I was upset with my good friends because I havent' seen them since June and they say they're busy which I just assumed they don't like me anymore but I get the odd phone call. I am more alright with that becacuse I'm constantly making new friends online and if they like me they'll set something up.

There was also this one guy who I was really attracted to whom I started talking to and we exchanged numbers. He said he'd call back later that day and didn't and I left another voice mail several days later and no call and I'm fine with that as well. I'll find someone who wants to be with me eventually. I'm not feeling that desparate for friends or romantic relationships because I now I have alot of great things about me and can get someone who I will really like and will equally like me.

Not being able to post was hard but I worked with it and I asked how can I make this work? I can make it work by writing everything down on paper and transfering it later.


Mike