Ok, so me and this woman have been friends since we started to work together at our last job. We have been cool 4 about 2 yrs now, and she's pretty cool for the most part. However since I've known her, there are times that she irritates me really bad because she is negative about everything in her life! She told me that her and her dad never had a relationship when she was growing up, her mother and her have never really had a close relationship either. Her dad passed yrs ago, but her mom is still living, and her mom moved in with her just this past summer. My friend is 49, her mother is in her 70's. Everytime I go over there, she is always yelling at her mom about something! If her mom breathes wrong, she yells at her. My friend also has a 19 yr old daughter who is also negative, mostly about her own self! I feel like she is a very beautiful girl, but she says negative things about herself, and feels that she has to waste her life away waiting on a guy that she is with whom is in and out of jail! My friend and I have just started school together this semester, I myself have been in college off and on since 2003, but she has never been in collge before. I feel like she is going into it really negative. We have two classes together, and she's always complaining about how she can't think, he brain doesn't work right, she feels like she is too old to learn, she talks about her ex-husband ALOT, and they have been over since her daughter was 5, she is 19 now! She pretty much lives in the past most of the time, and her past is mostly negative! I have tried since I've known her to talk to her always on a positive note, I even tried to get her to do StressCenter program by sharing mine, I've tried to get her to go to church withme, she says she has nothing to wear,I try to help her with school, and she still complains that she can't do it, or her brain won't work! I am really getting tired of hearing all of it! She is old enough to be my mom, I am only 30, but she's fun to be around when she doesn't revert back to her past, or talks about how stupid she is! The fun her doesn't last very long, because she acts like all she knows how to be is negative! I can tell she wants help, but when I give her suggestions, it goes in one ear and out the other! Even Lucinda mentions in the program to surround ourselves with positive people, not negative. I feel like I'll feel bad if I ditch her. She's even told me that she feels like God brought me into her life to help her to not be so negative. She touched my heart when she told me that. I believe that God want's me to help her, but she's always reverting back no matter what I say or do! Sorry so long, but I couldn't find a way to make this shorter without telling every detail.
Also, we lost our job on the very same day, because our old job was downsizing! I've moved on from that, but she still talks about it, like it just happened yesterday! This happened 6 months ago!!!! Should I ditch her, or what? I am really getting irritated!!!
Should I stick around and help a negative friend, or ditch her?
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Guest
Hi Brandi,
It sounds like to me that you have done all that you can possibly do for your friend!!!
You have given her great advice, yet she is NOT really listening to what you are saying to her...kinda like it is going in one ear and out the other..
I think that you should bring "this" to her attention, if you plan on continuing your friendship with this lady!!!
It is kinda like you have offered her every gift under the sun, only to have it all thrown back in your face!!!
I DO NOT think that she is intentionally doing this, but I do think that it is high time, that she stand on her own two feet!!!
I would not continue advising someone, who isn't trying to help herself!!!
I think that I would just tell her that all of this negativity is not healthy for you, and that she needs to "stop complaining" get up and "take action"
And if she doesn't, then you have 2 options left...let go of the friendship or remain in it...
I think you need to weigh the "pros and cons" for yourself, since it sounds like this friendship is taking it's toll on you!!!
When it gets bad enough for her, then she will be more than glad to do the things, which you have already advised her to do!!! Sometimes, we can try too hard to help someone!!!
It is one thing to help someone, who wants to be helped, but another to waste all of our energy on someone who just wants to sit there and complain, yet do nothing!!!
If she were my friend, then I would pray for her and ask God to lead and guide my mind on this one...
Have a great night's rest
!!!!
It sounds like to me that you have done all that you can possibly do for your friend!!!
You have given her great advice, yet she is NOT really listening to what you are saying to her...kinda like it is going in one ear and out the other..
I think that you should bring "this" to her attention, if you plan on continuing your friendship with this lady!!!
It is kinda like you have offered her every gift under the sun, only to have it all thrown back in your face!!!
I DO NOT think that she is intentionally doing this, but I do think that it is high time, that she stand on her own two feet!!!
I would not continue advising someone, who isn't trying to help herself!!!
I think that I would just tell her that all of this negativity is not healthy for you, and that she needs to "stop complaining" get up and "take action"
And if she doesn't, then you have 2 options left...let go of the friendship or remain in it...
I think you need to weigh the "pros and cons" for yourself, since it sounds like this friendship is taking it's toll on you!!!
When it gets bad enough for her, then she will be more than glad to do the things, which you have already advised her to do!!! Sometimes, we can try too hard to help someone!!!
It is one thing to help someone, who wants to be helped, but another to waste all of our energy on someone who just wants to sit there and complain, yet do nothing!!!
If she were my friend, then I would pray for her and ask God to lead and guide my mind on this one...
Have a great night's rest
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Guest
You don't have to ditch her just learn ways not to let her bother you. You might be the best thing that ever happened to her. That doesn't mean you need to be her best friend. But if it gives her the least positive outlook on her life, that should help you feel better about listening to her long-winded and drawn out negativity. Hang in there, it won't last forever. It's true that this kind of person and negativity is draining. This could be a learning opportunity for you too. Find ways to change the subject or help her to learn that there are lots of great things that she can be thankful for. And if nothing else works, think of how many more minutes it will be until you part ways!
I think there is always that kind of balance of friends and family, there are always more negative and more positive people. And all of our lives, we'll have more negative and more positive people around us. And those negative people are like magnets to the positive ones. They are just attracted to them. Even though Lucinda says to surround yourself with positives, in reality there will always be negatives. So finding a way to balance that out and make our lives easier around the negs is the most realistic answer.
I think there is always that kind of balance of friends and family, there are always more negative and more positive people. And all of our lives, we'll have more negative and more positive people around us. And those negative people are like magnets to the positive ones. They are just attracted to them. Even though Lucinda says to surround yourself with positives, in reality there will always be negatives. So finding a way to balance that out and make our lives easier around the negs is the most realistic answer.
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Guest
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Guest
I am familiar with this scenario. I have had to cut off one friendship (just didn't call her back after she hung up on me) due to how much she affected my life and have distanced myself from another who sounds like your friend. I met "J" at church and we bonded over being into beads. But I soon realized she is a major drama magnet and very negative. She talks smack about everyone and I assume she talks about me to others. I am exhausted after spending time with her. I have simply not called her in probably a year. I am sure she's mad at me or hurt that I haven't maintained contact. The most mature way to deal with this, with her, might be to tell her I want to be friends but address her negativity. But I dread it. As with the previous friend I mentioned, I doubt what I say will matter as these people have some deep psychological issues and in order to change, they have to be able to admit they have a problem.
I heard Dr. Laura (not my favorite person because I think she is rude and abrupt but I do think she has some good to offer despite the delivery) address a caller who had a friend that was negative, would lie and when caught would turn it around to blame others. Dr. Laura asked the caller if her life was boring, to wish the reply was a resounding "No!" Dr. Laura talked about how some people attract those who are not friends but more like clients (not her word, I can't think what it was) that we help and don't have a reciprocal friendship with. She said that people like this don't allow others in. She told the caller she didn't need to ditch the friend but put her in an outer circle (we have concentric circles of people in our lives, put those types of people on the outer rings, not the inner).
You are describing a situation that sounds sticky to me. "J" and I are also students but she, luckily, graduated, so I don't have to see her on campus. With you, it's more complicated and would be harder to move her away from you.
I am thinking aloud here: one thing I have learned about myself recently is that I am someone who grew up with a victim mentality, with an "outer locus of control" (things outside me control me, rather than things from within) and I tend to not be honest for fear of hurting people. Through intense individual and marital counseling, I am changing into "the truth monster" and I now tell my husband and even sometimes others, what I do and don't want. "I want crab wontons. Tonight!" Anyway, I realized that I have kept unhealthy friendships because I haven't really been honest and I've felt obligated.
Now after all this counseling and change, I honestly don't know how I will deal with "J". She may or may not contact me and I don't know if I will have the nerve to tell her it's difficult to be around her when she is so negative. The thing is, I don't think I want this woman in my life anyway. Mature relationships should be reciprocal and positive.
I am rambling but I guess I am sharing this with you hoping it might offer some insight.
I heard Dr. Laura (not my favorite person because I think she is rude and abrupt but I do think she has some good to offer despite the delivery) address a caller who had a friend that was negative, would lie and when caught would turn it around to blame others. Dr. Laura asked the caller if her life was boring, to wish the reply was a resounding "No!" Dr. Laura talked about how some people attract those who are not friends but more like clients (not her word, I can't think what it was) that we help and don't have a reciprocal friendship with. She said that people like this don't allow others in. She told the caller she didn't need to ditch the friend but put her in an outer circle (we have concentric circles of people in our lives, put those types of people on the outer rings, not the inner).
You are describing a situation that sounds sticky to me. "J" and I are also students but she, luckily, graduated, so I don't have to see her on campus. With you, it's more complicated and would be harder to move her away from you.
I am thinking aloud here: one thing I have learned about myself recently is that I am someone who grew up with a victim mentality, with an "outer locus of control" (things outside me control me, rather than things from within) and I tend to not be honest for fear of hurting people. Through intense individual and marital counseling, I am changing into "the truth monster" and I now tell my husband and even sometimes others, what I do and don't want. "I want crab wontons. Tonight!" Anyway, I realized that I have kept unhealthy friendships because I haven't really been honest and I've felt obligated.
Now after all this counseling and change, I honestly don't know how I will deal with "J". She may or may not contact me and I don't know if I will have the nerve to tell her it's difficult to be around her when she is so negative. The thing is, I don't think I want this woman in my life anyway. Mature relationships should be reciprocal and positive.
I am rambling but I guess I am sharing this with you hoping it might offer some insight.