Stress Center Peer Support

A bit about myself.. I was molested as a child and have an overwhelming amount of anxiety about my life and the current relationship I am in. In the past I had been in a few bad relationships and was married to someone who cheated on me our entire marriage and abused me mentally and physically.
I have been a single parent for almost 18 years. I am currently in a relationship which I feel is doomed. I have panic attacks when out in public with him. I feel like he is always looking for someting "better" to come along, and I am paranoid that he is always searching for someone else even at his job. I don't trust him- period. I feel inadequate, that I am not enough, depressed, anxious all the time (but when I am with him or think about what he may be doing when he is not with me I panic and stress out). Last night I barely got any sleep becaues I always worry about him and what he is doing or who he is thinking about. I feel that he is watching porn with his brother right now as he is helping him move.. and his brother has over $10,ooo or more invested in the filth. I can't understand why he doesn't want to spend time with me since we haven't seen each other in over a week (we live within 15 minutes of each other). I am a bit overweight and extremely self conscious. I also am hypercritical of myself. I want to believe that this program can help me and I should just give it to God, but can't seem to completely let go! Does anyone have any suggestions as to what I can do to stop these accuzations toward him? I just want to be able to go out on a regular date...a movie or dinner without having these irrational thoughts and comparing myself to other women. Please let me know if there are people who may be going through something similar. Thank you! I pray that this program helps. I just started it yesterday, though I have had the materials since April of last year. I did not have access to a computer until now. God bless us all as we begin this life-changing endeavor! I am about at the end of my rope and I am so scared that he is going to leave me. I don't think anyone else would want me or put up with my insecurities. Please help me to begin a new life!

Look2god - I can relate. I have ALWAYS had those types of thoughts when in relationships. Even now I have been with my boyfriend for over 4 years and we have been friends for 9 or 10. He also works overnights as a towncar driver. So there is plenty of chance/time. I am on the small-side - a little to small some might say. This leave me VERY insecure especially since he has let me know he is not pleased with my weight and would like me to gain more. When we go out I am always wondering if he is "looking". Anytime he gets a "text" I think, must be his "other girlfriend" etc. I am learning to change that around with this program though!! IT has been a most amazing learning process!! I can't wait to finish it and then see where I am at, who I have become. It does take a lot of patience, practice etc. but you can do it!!

Iwillbebetter, Thank you for your response. I have been told that there a a lot of people that are going through the same types of insecurities and anxiety attacks. My boyfriend has told me repeatedly that I need to stop the accusations or he will be gone. I have told him that I am unable to control these panic attacks and the way I feel, even though my feelings are irrational and distorted. We have been dating off and on for four years now and he said that I am on my own with trying to find a way to change my behavior and reactions to my irrational thoughts. It hurts that he isn't willing to try and understand-even though I am not sure I understand myself. I am so frustrated with myself and sometimes think what's the use. He is just going to dump me anyway, so why bother. This morning he called me and said he would call me tonight after he gets finished moving his brother to his new location. He still hasn't called an I am starting to think mindreading thoughts because he is with his brother who is into porn and today is payday. They could be out anywhere! I am so worried that he is looking for someone else.
He says that he is not the cause of my anxiety but in our past together I observed him ogling over his brother's girlfriend and I was sitting next to him. I may as well have not even been there. He was so engrossed in every little move she made. If she had said "lets go" he would have completely forgotten I was there. But all my anxiety is because of my other past relationships and childhood abuse according to him. I feel like giving up on my relationship and am quickly wondering what is the pointg of it all! I wish I could start changing my thought pattern and not be this way anymore. How do I go about changing my thought process?

Hi Ladies,
I just read your post. I am in my 50's and I am married. I am so proud to hear you doing this program! This will help you so much. You will gain the confidence to have a good life, you will learn some things about yourself, its hard work but I encourage you to do it. Be proud of who you are! We all have inprefections its ok. Be strong women and don't look to a boyfriend to give that to you. You can be strong even if you have anxiety and depression! Those you can work on, other guys in your life you want them to want you. If they make you feel bad, not important, let them go. You will not please them ever. There is someone out there for each of us. If not we all have each other.
Good luck, and I wish you the best!

look2god - Changing your thought process will take time!! I'm sure if you are like me, you have been thinking this way for a LONG time!!! It is so natural to us, it will take work to change that!!
Can I ask do you have the program?? If so I would say that is how you start!! This program can help you!! I do still have many thoughts like that also, don't get me wrong, but I am learning not to dwell on them or to feed them. I still have trouble re-wording them, but I've gotten pretty good at least stopping them. I sing happy happy joy joy (or something similar) over and over until the thoughts are gone!!
TTH - Thanks for your input also!! You are so right, it's easy to learn not to look to "others" to make us feel good, but to remember especially not to look for a man to make you feel good. We have to learn to make ourselves feel good. To tell ourselves we are ok. To tell ourselves we look good etc. Men especially it's so easy for us to "fall into that" making them "want us". We can't make anyone love us aside from ourselves!!
I am also learning - we have to love ourselves!!! We can't give what we don't have. If we can't love ourselves how can we expect anyone else to!! (Having kids also I put this into play, how can I teach them to love themselves if I don't know how to love myself!! you can't teach,pass on what you don't know/have)