Hi, my name is Sabrina. I'm finally able to post on here that I've started the program. I've watched the DVD and listened to the audio session 4 times so far, and I've listened to the relaxation track 15 times so far, and I'm going to do one more session before I go to bed, which will probably be in an hour or so. I actually did this program a couple of years back, but I got to week 11, I think. I actually tried to do the whole program in a month, which made my anxiety even worse than it was before, so I stopped. Then I lost the program, so I had to reorder it, and I was finally able to do so this month.
My limitations are as follows: I don't have a job; I engage in avoidance behaviours like procrastination; my room is not clean; I don't shower very frequently; I had to switch schools because I didn't do my homework ever, so I got a low GPA; I sometimes, though less frequently than in the past, have uncontrollable spouts of anger, so I can be very difficult to deal with; I don't go outside, so I don't have any friends except my boyfriend; I don't drive; I have a video game addiction; I have GERD; and I engage in obsessive behaviours. My symptoms are: racing heart, nausea and vomiting, trembling and nervousness, muscle tension, confusion, headaches, insomnia and hypersomnia, restless feelings, feelings of fatigue and depression, feelings of helplessness, unexplained panicky feelings, and uncontrollable bouts of anger.
I don't have panic attacks much, but I do have a practically constant flow of anxiety. I've avoided cleaning my room, doing my Comp I homework, doing the dishes, exercising, etc. I spend all day worrying about my problems, even if I'm not consciously aware thereof. This problem thoroughly disrupts my life.
My mom and dad divorced when I was six years old, primarily because my dad cheated on my mom but secondarily because he tried to choke her when they were fighting about him wanting a divorce. My dad started sexually abusing me after the divorce, but my mom never knew. She had roughly a four-year strug-gle as a divorced mother before giving primary custody of my brother and me to my dad. His mother moved in with us, and she added her own abuse. The four-year sexual abuse stopped immediately after, but only because she caught my dad in the act. She never said anything when she could, which was when she first found out that my mom and my dad were dating since he had sexually abused some of my cousins, and when she found out that I had told some people at school when I was fifteen, she told me flat-out that she didn't believe me.
The earliest memory I have of specifically have anxiety is when I was 11. I'm sure I had precursors to it since I was very young, but the last time I re-member not feeling any anxiety was when I was five years old in my first ele-mentary school. I moved a lot because my dad was in the military, so I had eleven schools throughout my life (six elementary schools, two middle schools, and three high schools). I have subsequently been in three colleges so far: a vocational school, a community college, and now a private four-year college. I am currently doing very well at school, which is a result of me trying to avoid my anxiety since my anxiety has led me to do homework on time for a change.
I have disabling anxiety. I don't have a job because I'm too scared of get-ting fired. I don't have friends because people don't proactively try to talk to me, no matter what I offer them. I do have a boyfriend, but I get into "temper tantrums" when he says something that reminds me of some subconscious issue that I have from my childhood. I have uncontrollable bursts of anger, and because he thinks that me hanging up and him dwelling on a problem for five minutes is, like, the worst thing I can do to him, even worse than me screaming and yelling at him (yes, I've verified this with him), I end up in-sulting him a lot. He says that the relationship is 50% good and 50% bad, though I'd like it to be 90% good and 10% bad. Of course, 0% bad would be great, but there will always be bad since no two people have the same de-sires.
My anxiety and panic disorders are so bad that I'm on government income, which I might not get next month because of the debt ceiling. This fact is causing a little bit of anxiety, but I feel that the government doesn't owe me anything, so ultimately I hope that the debt ceiling doesn't increase; however, my mom probably won't be able to make the rent, which means that we'll be broke even faster. I'm hoping we don't get kicked out of our place for lack of rent payment. I hope we have enough money to pay rent and buy food and pay the bills, but we never do.
Even writing this is producing some anxiety. For some reason, Word likes to erase the paragraph and insert the @ character instead to the point where I have to hold CTRL+Z for like 20 seconds so that I can get my text back. It doesn't help that it's 3:38am and I don't want to sleep even though I have class at 8am. I don't want to sleep because I'm having anxiety issues with my boyfriend because sometimes I feel that I have to watch what I say so that I don't get into an argument with him. He's pretty much stopped saying he loves me, and he tends to take back promises to go to my therapy sessions because he wants to teach me that there are consequences to my actions. I think he's starting to get that me taking a break and talking like a normal person is better than me not taking a break and not talking like a normal person. I'm hopeful that this program will help me be able to not get into abnormal mode in the first place.
I restarted the program on Tuesday, July 12, 2011
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ElectrifiedBrain
- Posts: 38
- Joined: Tue Jul 12, 2011 5:50 pm
I restarted the program on Tuesday, July 12, 2011
"It is not because things are difficult that we do not dare; it is because we do not dare that things are difficult." - Unknown
Re: I restarted the program on Tuesday, July 12, 2011
I started july 14th. it seemed to help at first then the anxiety hit. i tryed the meathod and it didnt seem to help a whole lot but the relaxation tape did! it wasnt much anxiety though. I can realte to some of what you have been through. Not all of it. The good news is that none of that can hurt you anymore unless you let it in your head. I know that makes it sound like its so simple to do and it isn't. Somethings stick in your mind pretty good and it seems like you will never get them out. Atleast thats how I feel. People use to tell me things are always worse for someone else, Idk how they thought that would make me feel better... then i just felt bad for them and me. getting out more will actually help you feel better. Not at first but in time. This program takes time i guess... makes me wonder why its not a month free trial instead of two weeks...
Re: I restarted the program on Tuesday, July 12, 2011
Hi electrifiedbrain
I just want to let you know that it is definitely really great to get out the hurt that others have caused you and not let it stay inside. It takes a lot of courage to look back on the past. Although I haven't had as traumatic a childhood, I still have had my fair share of hurts caused by other people. I've learned that it is important to tell others about our past, to trusted people. It's healthy to let it out, to feel that pain and experience it, otherwise you will never get over it. I found that if I pretend to write a letter to that person (not actually give it to them, until one day I may possibly be ready, if its necessary) and not hold anything back, write how they wronged you, your anger, sadness, bitterness, confusion, any emotion you are feeling will help you in the process of moving forward. You don't want to necessarily live in your past, but you need to properly express these emotions. I was seeing a counselor and they recommended this, it did help me, it also helped me identify where some of the root of my anxiety was coming from. I did feel depressed for a while, but in the long run it was so worth it. Expressing these emotions allow you to be a person with feelings, wants, desires, and needs. You should write in a journal, you don't always have to be dwelling in your past, take it slowly. Be cautious and don't throw yourself a pity party, that can be just as bad as putting a bandaid over the problem.
I was never technically abused. I had my parents but they were never there emotionally, never supportive, I was shy and didn't know my worth. I thought I was a burden and in the way. Usually when I get panic attacks its because I feel alone, abandoned, unnoticed. These are all lies that I have believed because of others, but others do not define who we are. The mistake is that we let them, when they have no right.
Just know that how you were treated is unfair, horrible, and too many other words. But I want you to know that you are precious and worth fighting for, not just something to be used for or mistreated. You have things to contribute, you have worth and value. You were given the gift of life and don't let anyone steal it. Take it and own it. Don't worry about how.
Start by doing the little things like just washing the dishes. Then maybe eventually you can start cleaning your room or walking around in your backyard. I personally love going in my backyard and watering the plants it is the most relaxing thing and I look forward to it everyday.
Life is worth living! even if it doesn't seem like it now, it totally is I promise!!! I'm right there with you battling anxiety, and the constant want to withdraw from society, which unfortunately I still do a lot. Press on, you can do it!! Continue to vent your feelings here!
I just want to let you know that it is definitely really great to get out the hurt that others have caused you and not let it stay inside. It takes a lot of courage to look back on the past. Although I haven't had as traumatic a childhood, I still have had my fair share of hurts caused by other people. I've learned that it is important to tell others about our past, to trusted people. It's healthy to let it out, to feel that pain and experience it, otherwise you will never get over it. I found that if I pretend to write a letter to that person (not actually give it to them, until one day I may possibly be ready, if its necessary) and not hold anything back, write how they wronged you, your anger, sadness, bitterness, confusion, any emotion you are feeling will help you in the process of moving forward. You don't want to necessarily live in your past, but you need to properly express these emotions. I was seeing a counselor and they recommended this, it did help me, it also helped me identify where some of the root of my anxiety was coming from. I did feel depressed for a while, but in the long run it was so worth it. Expressing these emotions allow you to be a person with feelings, wants, desires, and needs. You should write in a journal, you don't always have to be dwelling in your past, take it slowly. Be cautious and don't throw yourself a pity party, that can be just as bad as putting a bandaid over the problem.
I was never technically abused. I had my parents but they were never there emotionally, never supportive, I was shy and didn't know my worth. I thought I was a burden and in the way. Usually when I get panic attacks its because I feel alone, abandoned, unnoticed. These are all lies that I have believed because of others, but others do not define who we are. The mistake is that we let them, when they have no right.
Just know that how you were treated is unfair, horrible, and too many other words. But I want you to know that you are precious and worth fighting for, not just something to be used for or mistreated. You have things to contribute, you have worth and value. You were given the gift of life and don't let anyone steal it. Take it and own it. Don't worry about how.
Start by doing the little things like just washing the dishes. Then maybe eventually you can start cleaning your room or walking around in your backyard. I personally love going in my backyard and watering the plants it is the most relaxing thing and I look forward to it everyday.
Life is worth living! even if it doesn't seem like it now, it totally is I promise!!! I'm right there with you battling anxiety, and the constant want to withdraw from society, which unfortunately I still do a lot. Press on, you can do it!! Continue to vent your feelings here!
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finallyhere
- Posts: 39
- Joined: Sun Jul 17, 2011 6:20 pm
Re: I restarted the program on Tuesday, July 12, 2011
I am moving on to session 2 then session 3 discussion but I still benefit from visiting session 1. i find reading and writing in this forum to be very exhausting and depressing but no one said work is supposed to be easy. Rewarding eventually. And helpful. Electrified, you are where you need to be, with the rest of us. polkdot has a wonderful way of summarizing things which is something I have great difficulty with. Good advice. Listen to everyone here and take what will help you. You are not in this alone. It is a journey and we all signed up for the trip. Hang in there.