Anxious...I guess I'm in the right place

[createyourlife]

Hi.

I'm in a pretty bad place. I locked my bedroom door the other day because I was afraid if I entered the rest of the house I'd hurt myself. I've never tried, but have thought about it a few times in the past. I've always been able to have my logical side win out over my emotional side--knowing that it's just a fleeting feeling, and that I have value, and that there are people who would be adversely affected if I were gone. But the other day, the rest of it didn't matter; I knew I was unhappy, have been trying a lot of things and nothing was working.

I've been better since that day, but am still having a hard time. I'm not sure whether the program is helping, or making me more anxious. As they list off the signs of depression, I am filled with such regret; I'm about to enter my final year in college, and have been strategically avoiding acknowledging my depression for about 14 years. I'm so saddened by how much I've allowed the depression to cripple other parts of my life. I finally admitted that I was depressed a little over a month ago. When I told people, they thought I was so sad because of the diagnosis. In reality, I was diagnosed because I was so despondent.

I'm also anxious because I've been working really hard in the last year to turn my life around. I have been seeing a counselor, working on being more positive and accepting myself. But I've realized it's all an act. I've been lying to myself. My counselor, in the session when I was diagnosed, admitted, "If it's any consolation, I didn't see any of this." My response? "I've gotten so good at lying to myself that lying to the world is a piece of cake."

I can't trust myself, so I'm having to trust all those around me. At the same time, I feel like such an emotional drain. I know what the "right" answers to life are, but I have lived my entire life--at least everything I can remember--in a state of depression. I'm terrified, because I don't know what normal life is like. I'm so scared, but I know that anything has got to be better than what I feel now.

I feel even more hopeless when they suggest something I've already tried; it hasn't brought me relief. One of the things I've worked on in the last year is trust, and it's the only thing that has really stuck. I know that the only way I can survive is to share myself with people, and people have responded beautifully. I'm just trying to trust that this program will work.

That's why I wrote this. I tried reading a few posts, and wasn't really sure what to do. I figured I should just share what I'm feeling. I tried explaining it to a friend, but they didn't get it. I really want to be better. My life is pretty great, other than the gloom that looms over everything I do or think about. I have a hard time doing simple things; I've been writing out tasks, step-by-step, because they all just seem so daunting (even making breakfast, or getting ready in the morning).

Help? Guidance? I've been meditating, doing yoga, cutting down on caffeine, taking vitamins, and am nearly vegetarian (goal is to be vegan by the end of the summer). I've also started Zoloft, and am on 100mg a day. I only seem to be getting worse, the more I admit it all.

Thanks, and sorry for the novel. I appreciate any comments.

[Kait]

Hi create!
First off, welcome! Don't be so hard on yourself, at least you're here
I too suffer from 'not feeling normal' But I try to remind myself, normal is a cycle on a washing machine and that's about it
The other thing I saw you say is something feels hopeless that's recommended that you already tried? I can totally relate! But sometimes I will try something 100 times, and then it will work (or in my case I will get it) on the 101 time! so keep at it!
And if you need to break things down to step by step, so be it! I do that all the time...from silly things like if I should start the washing machine, dishwasher, or dinner first and I will write elaborate post it notes, lol.
You deserve to be happy, don't let anyone take your sunshine!

[createyourlife]

Thanks Kait! That's really helpful advice. For some reason, the rest of the my support system didn't think of any of those points. That actually helps a lot.

[Kait]

If anything I can say, be of any help, than it is my pleasure!