I don't understand why...
I don't understand why...
I am 22 years old and my emotions are spiraling out of control but for anyone to understand why, you have to go back a couple of years. I was a senior in high school in 2007 and it was 2 days after Christmas that year when my Dad passed away in a car accident. He was my best friend and we did everything together. I always looked up to him and ever since I was little I wanted to be just like him and now he was gone and I didnt know what to do. I leaned on my friends to help pull me through and things started to look up when I began my career a couple of months later. It still felt like something was missing though.... I was afraid I was gonna spend the rest of my life alone and I really wanted a girlfriend but I never really had a serious relationship all my life. Finally when I was 19 I met a girl ,lets say her name is Amy, that I thought was exactly what I was looking for but as my bad misfortunes would have it Amy cheated on me and I found this out through her parents. I was absolutely heartbroken and slowly could feel myself slipping into a deep depression. Amy and I tried to work it out but it just didn't and up until recently when I told her to leave me alone, Amy kept trying to get back together with me but it never really happened. When we would get back together it would last maybe 2 weeks at best before we broke up again. We did this for over a year. Amy had complete control of my mind, something that I couldnt seem to break until recently. I dont know if thats love or stupidity either way it was unhealthy and I knew I had to get out of it somehow. But until I finally ended it I made a mistake too. Amy and I broke up one time when I was around 21, I met a new girl, lets say her name is Mindy. Mindy was great but there were couple of problems right away. 1) I was 21 and Mindy was 16. 2) Mindy's dad didnt want us to date because of my age which was understandable although he thought i was a really nice guy. 3) Amy wouldnt stop trying to work things out with me. 4) I just got out of a relationship and wasnt sure if I could commit to this one although I really like her alot. 5) I was still dealing with my own depression and others opinion of me when they heard I was seeing a 16 year old. We ended up trying it anyways and we were together for a couple of weeks and Mindy was absolutely in love with me but I wasnt so sure so I broke up with her. Then we got back together a week or so later. Then Amy kept wanting to talk things out with me so I decided to go talk to her and figured I would end it all once and for it all. I was wrong. I did the one thing I said I would never do to someone. I cheated. Although we dint have sex I still cheated and knew I just made a huge mistake that I would regret forever. I felt terrible which obviously i shouldve so the very next morning I told Mindy what had happened because I wanted to be straight up honest with her and felt it was only fair for her to hear it from me. So after I told her everything that had happened I could tell she was hurt which really hurt me and made me realize I had been falling in love with Mindy and didnt even realize it. I broke my own heart as well as Mindy's. We tried to stay together but I ended up breaking up with her because I felt she shouldnt have to suffer from a mistake that I made. I told her that it doesnt mean that I dont care about you or dont love u but I felt she deserves better than what I gave her. Although it did hurt me to say it because I know if I wouldnt have messed up we would be perfect together. Its been a year since Mindy and I have been together and although I want to talk to her I feel I should let her live her life without me trying to get back together with her. I completely stop talking to Amy after that happened too cause I was so mad that she controlled me like she did for so long and basically ran my life. I regret hurting Mindy everyday and miss her more than anyone can imagine. Everyday I'm now filled with the feelings of regret and being hopeless like my mistakes are going to haunt me forever and that my past determines who I am now and I sometimes think its better if I'm not here but I can't possibly hurt my family or my friends. I don't know what to do, this pain is almost unbearable. I feel like the biggest failure in the world right now and I being 6ft. under sounds much better right now than facing reality. Someone please help. I understand what I did was wrong but how do I move on? Does this make me a bad person? Am I hopeless and useless now? Should I try to get Mindy back? or leave her alone like I have been? I don't understand why this is all happening to me? and why me? Someone please please help!! I'd like to hear everyones opinion good or bad. So please comment.