Expecting the butterfly...

[butterflygrl10]

Not sure how to best use the forum here, just kind of want to know there are others out there dealing with similar things. So, I'm just going to start using it as a part of the journal of my journey. Hopefully I can get some help, encouragement, and insight along the way, and hopefully someone can benefit from something I write as it goes in turn. I just started the program this week, & am on session 1. Most of what I learned in the session this week I already knew. I actually have a Bachelor's Degree in Psychology, and worked for 7 years in the mental health field, so I am somewhat familiar with anxiety and depression. It's definitely harder to accept it for yourself than it is to diagnose someone else. I did feel the workbook exercises and "put it into practice" section were helpful, and looking ahead to session 2 for a quick glance, I think that is where most of my help will come - just having that concrete plan to start putting things into action, instead of feeling too overwhelmed and not even knowing where to start. Anxiety & depression runs in my family, on both sides, and certainly led to a dysfunctional & chaotic upbringing. Although I believe I have had at least a mild form of anxiety for as long as I can remember, my anxiety has increased significantly over the past year, especially in regards to my job. I started to have panic attacks every morning on the way into work, then it started when I would have to wake up and get out of bed to get ready for work, then it started to come the night before, just thinking about having to go to work the next day. I started to have panic attacks on Friday, thinking about having to go to work again on Monday. I spoke to my physician and was able to get medical leave to take days off work when it gets really bad, but of course, I have used up my paid time off, so now any days I take off are unpaid. And of course, I still feel guilty and anxious when I take time off work, that I am letting people down and going to get fired for not performing, etc. I am currently on daily Zoloft, with Xanax for the occasional panic attack, to at least help me get to work each day. I am in a high pressure sales & service call center job, basically tethered to my phone for 10 hours, 4 days a week, having to always be "on" and facing the possibility that my supervisor can be listening to my calls to "coach" me at any time. Nothing like instilling a sense of paranoia in your employees. I have had panic attacks when I have literally been afraid I was dying of a heart attack, while talking on the phone to a customer, sounding just as sweet and cheerful as could be, while inside, my brain is screaming at me to "RUN"! I am also a Christian, and have always found my faith to be a very encouraging thing when facing difficulties, and recently have even felt like that has not been helping, that somehow God is punishing me, or testing me, or something, and I am failing. In my heart, I know He loves me, but I need to get that message through to, and accepted by, my brain again. I am hoping through this program to get the coping skills I need to improve my attendance at work and eventually, get off the medication. Hopefully it will also allow me to socialize again, increase my self-confidence, and help me to have the courage to start really living again, instead of hiding under the covers from my life. Eventually, dare I hope, I might even have the courage to go on a date again someday. My favorite quote right now is "Just when the caterpillar thought her world was ending, she became a butterfly." So, I begin this program with the full hope and expectation that, on the other side, I will emerge a butterfly. Here's to growing some wings...

[Texas1947]

I can so relate to your job situation. I am on the phone often at a 4 hour time period with a customer. I work remotely from my home and feel I am in a cave all day attached to the phone. I am afraid to leave for an errand because I might miss a customer call. The stress of this job has affected my sleep and though I am better, there were time this time last year that I did not sleep more than 2 hours a night. This went on for months. I couldn't focus and had the fear of falling asleep with the customer on the phone. I am in session 2 and am hoping eventually that I will feel as though I have rested sleep.