Scary Thoughts

[ntrjespinosa]

Hey Everyone,

I have been having some really scary thoughts lately. I have been in the mini chat room and have talked to someone to try to calm down. I know there are others like me, but somehow that doesn't seem to comfort me. Does that happen to anyone else? I am 23 and scared that I might get some other mental illness or that I will not be able to live a normal life. I worry about things that could or will happen to me in my future. And a lot of things are not something that will kill you, just inconveniences. Little things like rheumatoid arthritis and hearing loss. Is that normal? Has anyone else had these fears? I am at the point where I am almost wishing something bad will happen so I won't have to deal with this anymore. I want to be able to relax and sleep. Just last night I was up most of the night shaking because I was worried about all my teeth just rotting out. I don't have a job or insurance so I can't really see anybody right now. I am trying to cope with this on my own. Is there anyone else in my shoes? I am scared to death about my illness turning into something worse. I am so scared! I am up in the middle of the night sometimes wishing I had someone to talk to about this. Is there some hotline or something I could call?

I have been having some serious suicidal thoughts. I just don't think I can do life anymore. I wish it was all a bad dream and would just wake up, but I know that is not the truth. I lost my dad of lung cancer, it will be four years on May 11 and I feel like it was just yesterday. I never thought I would lose my dad to anything because he was so strong. And now he's gone. I miss him so much. I really wish I didn't have to feel this way. I don't want to be scared anymore, I want it to end. I don't want to do this. I want to be free from this. Lately, I have been feeling that this is the only way it can happen.

[Pauly J]

Sometimes knowing there are others like you doesn't make things better for YOU! It sounds to me that you have suffered from many things and are now feeling lost and uncertain about what to do! Ending it all is never a solution! What you are going through can be helped! Although you feel like there is no hope, there is! You are making "predictions" for future illness that is causing you undue anxiety! This is normal and can be changed! It seems that you are depressed as well! Are you on any medication at the moment? If not, it can provide much needed relief in your desperate times! I don't know if saying this will do anything to make you feel better, but I was in a very dark place only a few months ago! I was suffering from anxiety daily, getting panic attacks multiple times daily, and all this caused depression to set in! I was feeling so bad that i considered ending it all! I was housebound, couldn't work, barely ate and lost 25 lbs in a month! I was literally a wreck! Today I am feeling normal again! I still get the one in awhile anxiety, but nothing compared to the dark moments a few months back! I am happy today and I never would of imagined it to be possible! I don't want to talk about me, but I do want to let you know that there are things that can help you to improve and if you need someone to talk to I will be here for you! Things will get better!


pauly j

[ntrjespinosa]

Hello,

I am not on any medication. I am having trouble getting out there in the world. I have no insurance or money. I was at school here for a while, but I slipped and it all went downhill. I can't get back into school unless I pay for it myself. I was supposed to write a letter of appeal to try and explain what I was going through to see if they would let me back in, but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I suddenly became afraid to finish. That's when I realized that I was afraid to go on. I have a hard time thinking about getting older. I just don't think I can do it. I sit around really wishing something will happen so I won't have to go on. I laugh at things, but don't feel happy. I wake up thinking about everything. My goodness, I have a receeding gum line on one tooth and start freaking out when I think about it. It's ridiculous and too much. I want it to stop. I try not to think about doing it myself, but I am just that sick of it.

[willynbecca]

i also have some very scary thoughts, my mind races all the time & it is a constant fear of death, dying or going insane. i would really love to know how toturn this off, slowmy mind to just normal thoughts. any suggestions?

[ntrjespinosa]

To be honest, I have not one suggestion on how to turn them off. I seriously lay around just waiting for something to happen so I won't have to live to deal with it anymore. It's bad for me. I don't like being like this, but the thoughts come in and out constantly. Any movement or thing I do makes me think that it will cause some serious disease in the future. Then I start thinking about how I don't want to live long enough to see myself as an older woman. I also think about how, if I were to have children, how much they would suffer with me as a mother or if they were to have this same problem themselves or have a worse one. I almost think it would be better if I didn't have any children. To prevent any pain and suffering for them.

I always wonder if I am the only one who ever has these thoughts or if it's just me. I am terrified daily and can barely get up and do anything. Today I made the effort to do part of the dishes. I have been watching television also. The past three days, I have been to uncomfortable to sleep in my room, so I have been sleeping in the living room keeping the television on so I can get at least three or four hours of sleep. It helps a little. I don't even know why I developed this discomfort all of a sudden. My mother is scared that I will end my life. I have talked about it openly with her and my grandparents. I am trapped. I want it to be over and at the same time, I want to be able to live for once.

I have thought about doing it myself. I have never made any attempts in my life, but I have had the thoughts over and over. The pain in my neck, shoulders, and back, it gets old and tiring. I don't like getting up and doing anything. I make myself, but it doesn't help. I want to be able to start working out and see if that maybe sparks some life in me, but you need income for that and I can't get up and out to get a job. I also seriously need insurance, but as I said you need income. I am not sure what to do. I guess I have given up. There is too much to worry and be scared about. I don't want to have to do it anymore. Does any one else feel this way or is there something seriously wrong with me?

[Yendys]

I AM HERE FOR YOU!
Ok first off I just want to say I am going through exactly what youare going through. Obsessive scary thougfhts about going crazy, dying, death or having an illness....for example sometimes in the middle of my panic attacks I think I'm going to get hysterical blindness! When I actually type it down it seems ridiculouse but when you are in the middle of a panic attack it feels like everything bad that you fear will hit you all at once and you will run around screaming feeling totally out of control just wanting somebody to sedate you or shoot you in the head so u can make the feelings of turmoilk stop for one brief second! I unfderstand feeling overwhelmed everyday to the point where you want to die! You cannot see a future for yourself because you cannot imagine living another day feeling this way! But you have to realize that eventually you are not going to feel this way! It is so corny to say and hard to believe but you have to stop punishing yourrself! That is all peoplke like us do is punish ourseklves with negative talk and major fears because in someway we feel like we are doomed like we are meant to sufferer. Maybe that feeling is due to how we were treated as children or a loss in the family or something major happening to us that makes ys feel life is not far....buyt when I read your posts I realize we were meant to go through this together for a reason....I too left school because the pressure was too mush and yesterday after a year off I wote a readmittance letter....I too have obsessive sccary thoughts about death and dying that seem to never go away....but hear this we are living right now no matter what the next second or next day brings we have to understand that the god or gods or universe or whatever you believe in are loving! You have to stop beating yourself up and find a little bit of love I was having anxiety tonite so I came here to read some positive posts and I came across this post.even though at first it scared me to read this because it sounded exactly like me and I really do not want you to hurt yourself I. Am still glad I read this because I can tell you need someone to lean on guess what so do I...so let us lean on each other when you are feeling lost in your own mind please hold on to the fact that I am a real person going through the exact same thing suicidal thoughts and all and I am here for you! Think how lucky we are even in are most depressed dark days we have people who understand exactly how we feel because theyu feel it to NO you are not alone NO do not give up living thrive because you are resilliant and you are strong even you do not feel it you have an anchor inside you that will keep you a float! If you are ever feeling extremely suicidal I will give you my fb account and I will stay up with you as long as you need me!
Love sydney

[ntrjespinosa]

Thanks for that. I think about suicide alot anymore. I try to find something that will pull me out of it. Some shred of some, something that would make me happy, make me want to stay, but it's the hardest thing anymore. I want to be able to rest. I want my mind to stop. I think about the way I used to be and wish I could be like that again. I wasn't scared of anything. Didn't think about what could be, just thought about what I was going to do that day and then the next. Nothing about the future. Didn't care. I know probably everyone was like that, but I think that it really hits me hard. I feel so alone in this fight. My mother doesn't understand or know what to do. My grandparents are at a loss themselves. Nobody knows what to do.That makes it even harder for me. Everyone keeps telling me, "I just don't know what to say to help you." And all I can come back with is, "Oh, it's okay." or "I know, that's fine." I pace back and forth in my room and then just lay on the couch shaking and trembling. My body hurts all the time. I try to keep my mind off of things with music or movies. It used to help and now it seems it just makes it worse. I can't watch some of the shows I used to watch because the topics hit the nerves. My hearing seems to go in and out so the volume on everything goes up and down, then I start worrying about my hearing. My legs start to hurt from pacing for hours on end, so I worry about that. It goes on and on and on and on. I keep freaking out and yelling in my mind and praying " Please take it all away." I wake up and I am still the same. It hurts everywhere. I am scared of everything and nothing. Does that make sense?

[Yendys]

YES that makes perfect sense!
Only two months ago. I would literally tremble in my bed certain that I was going insane or about to die. I can only watch comedies and I refuse to watch the news because watching dramatic things or reading about them really makes me feel uneasy....you have to understand that you are going to feel like this for awhile I use to be so scared of being alone or dying alone that I sat in a emergency hospital parking lot for six hours. Then another time when I truly felt helpless and ready to kill myself I drove to that hospital and cried begging and praying for a release my prasyers were answered no I did not feel emotional relief but I did not kill myself either and that was the greatest gift of all. Things are going to be really bad and really hard for awhile I am going to be honest....but u have to stick with it and see it through please just hold on no one else can do that for you. I liver with my mother and I see the stress I pyut on her with my anxiety and depression...she too has said she is at her wits end and does not know what to do to help me...but it is not her fight it is mine but I remind myself what a huge tragedy it would be if I took my life how my family and friends would be so torn I cannot do that to them...even if u cannot find it in yourself to stay strong think about all the people who need you! Just because people do not know how to help you does not mean they do not care...its just that they cannot understand what we are going through...but I know wat you are going thrrough and I do know for an absolute fact you will start to feel a little relief it will come

[ntrjespinosa]

I hope it comes. I get tired of being easily startled by things I hear. I am tired of feeling the tingling, the itchy skin, the pain in the neck and shoulders, the tightness on my head. My hearing even goes in and out. My hands and legs have spasms what seems like constantly. They keep telling me it's just part of it, but man, this is too much. Plus everything else I have been talking about. No, I don't want to have to keep up this fight the rest of my life. I don't think I can. I am trying to hold on. I am.

[fearfighter]

Hi everyone. I am new to this program and this is my first post. I too suffer from scary thoughts and fear I will go crazy. My scary thoughts revolve around losing control and hurting or killing others; especially the ones I love the most (ironic). I'm learning that these thoughts are very common for people who suffer with anxiety. I know rationally that I'm not crazy but when the scary thoughts come they won't stop and it can often cause a severe panic attack. It's like a big burst of adrenaline coursing through my body causing feelings of loss of control, terror, fear, and total confusion. Afterwards, I feel depressed and have thoughts about never getting well.
My fears revolve around insanity, serial killers, child molesters, rapists, etc. I have been afraid my anxiety attacks would lead me to become a horrible person and do these or other horrible things. And again. I know its irrational but the fear is beyond my control and so strong that I don't trust myself. So I practice avoidance behaviors to protest others from what i fear might happen in a moment of panic. By the way, I've had hundreds of attacks and never lost control and done anything harmful but its just feels so awful and scary.
I will share something I recently learned that is beginning to help me. I am beginning to face these fears head-on, on a daily basis. I allow myself to think horrible thoughts silently in my head and when alone, out loud. This is scary but I'm beginning to see that thoughts are just thoughts and the only power they have over me is what I allow. I also read my first Steven King novel. I could only read it during the day but it helped me. I also read other books about murders, serial killers, etc. I watch Criminal Minds, CSI, etc, on TV. What I've discovered is that I am slowly desensitizing myself to these fears. Now when I think scary thoughts they are less intense and they are beginning to lose their hold on me. Again, rationally, I know I'm a good and loving person but the scary thoughts and the panic attacks were making me afraid of myself. It's like I had to look deep within and first own the things I'm afraid of, no matter how scary. Then I have to face them head on, one day at a time. I feel I'm beginning to make some real progress but I know I still have a ways to go. I hope this helps anyone with similar anxiety issues. Love and light to all fellow anxiety suffers.