Should! Should! Should!
Posted: Sun Mar 27, 2011 2:56 am
Sometimes it seems that balance is hard to find.
These past two weeks have been sort of difficult that way. There are times when I want to do something but I'm too shy. Having recently moved to a new city where I have absolutely no social support- I know I have to get out there and do things if I ever want to find some friends.
So I do. I make a point of going out with people when they invite me, showing up to activities that are open invitation, inviting people to casually hang out. It's exhausting for me. Especially when I don't do well in large groups of people It takes all my mental capasity to seem like a normal not socially awkward human being ( an act at which I fail more times than not)
Eventually all this socializing leads to one thing. Burn out. I get so sick of trying to connect with people and trying to tal to people and get to know people and feel like I get very little back ( like have you ever had a conversation with someone where you are always the one asking the questions and they're the ones answering but never asking about you...) I just get so tired that I just need to take time off.
Like these last few weeks, last week I had some friends over for dinner, then went curling with some people one night, then went out a few more times. by the weekend I was done. I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to lay in bed and not talk to anyone. There was a bridal shower last saturday for someone I don't really know. I felt so guilty all day because I didn't want to go. Because I felt like I should go. like I had some sort of obligation because I got a facebook invivation. I don't usually participate in wedding celebrations no matter how close the friends are- and this girl I didn't really know so I didn't want to have to buy a gift ( especially since I'd have to buy another one this weekend for their wedding and I'm a poor unemployed student) and dress up and spend the night giggling with girls over wedding stuff. But I felt guilty. Like I SHOULD go. like there was some serious social norm that I was breaking by not going. Sunday was even worse. I was feeling guilty about not going to the bridal shower, so when my friend called the next day and wanted me to some to some group activity I was so embarassed about skipping out the night before that I didn't want to see her.
It just got worse from there.
All this week I've been feeling guilty. like I should call the bride and apologize for not going to her shower- I worry about the next time I see her.
Embarassed because I should have been like the other girls and excited to share in her bliss.
Then there was the wedding reception tonight. I didn't want to go. ( again I don't really know the couple. I met the bride a few times at gatherings and the groom only once) but my friend called and said I should go. it would be nice if I went blah blah blah..
and I start feeling guilty again.
I should go
I should be social.
I should.
I should...
But where is the balance? I can only be social for so long before I start to feel claustrophobic. like I just need to get somewhere where I can breathe. but I feel like I should go to everything, like it's some sort of duty, or some sort of transaction. Like if I got to this I will feel like this and I will get friends. but it's never that logical. most of the time especially if it's a large group I go and then end up coming home like I've wasted the evening.
I should be active with others or else people won't care about me. I won't have friends. And I worry that if I say that I need time to myself , or if I don't want to do something or go somewhere people will wonder why, or think I'm weird, or a snob or anti-social.
I honestly don't know.. isn't it ok to want to be alone sometimes without being labelled anti-social? Is it ok to opt out of things for various reasons and not be judged?
but at the same time .. if I don't go to everything I'm invited to- what if people stop inviting me thinking that I'd rather be alone instead?
These past two weeks have been sort of difficult that way. There are times when I want to do something but I'm too shy. Having recently moved to a new city where I have absolutely no social support- I know I have to get out there and do things if I ever want to find some friends.
So I do. I make a point of going out with people when they invite me, showing up to activities that are open invitation, inviting people to casually hang out. It's exhausting for me. Especially when I don't do well in large groups of people It takes all my mental capasity to seem like a normal not socially awkward human being ( an act at which I fail more times than not)
Eventually all this socializing leads to one thing. Burn out. I get so sick of trying to connect with people and trying to tal to people and get to know people and feel like I get very little back ( like have you ever had a conversation with someone where you are always the one asking the questions and they're the ones answering but never asking about you...) I just get so tired that I just need to take time off.
Like these last few weeks, last week I had some friends over for dinner, then went curling with some people one night, then went out a few more times. by the weekend I was done. I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to lay in bed and not talk to anyone. There was a bridal shower last saturday for someone I don't really know. I felt so guilty all day because I didn't want to go. Because I felt like I should go. like I had some sort of obligation because I got a facebook invivation. I don't usually participate in wedding celebrations no matter how close the friends are- and this girl I didn't really know so I didn't want to have to buy a gift ( especially since I'd have to buy another one this weekend for their wedding and I'm a poor unemployed student) and dress up and spend the night giggling with girls over wedding stuff. But I felt guilty. Like I SHOULD go. like there was some serious social norm that I was breaking by not going. Sunday was even worse. I was feeling guilty about not going to the bridal shower, so when my friend called the next day and wanted me to some to some group activity I was so embarassed about skipping out the night before that I didn't want to see her.
It just got worse from there.
All this week I've been feeling guilty. like I should call the bride and apologize for not going to her shower- I worry about the next time I see her.
Embarassed because I should have been like the other girls and excited to share in her bliss.
Then there was the wedding reception tonight. I didn't want to go. ( again I don't really know the couple. I met the bride a few times at gatherings and the groom only once) but my friend called and said I should go. it would be nice if I went blah blah blah..
and I start feeling guilty again.
I should go
I should be social.
I should.
I should...
But where is the balance? I can only be social for so long before I start to feel claustrophobic. like I just need to get somewhere where I can breathe. but I feel like I should go to everything, like it's some sort of duty, or some sort of transaction. Like if I got to this I will feel like this and I will get friends. but it's never that logical. most of the time especially if it's a large group I go and then end up coming home like I've wasted the evening.
I should be active with others or else people won't care about me. I won't have friends. And I worry that if I say that I need time to myself , or if I don't want to do something or go somewhere people will wonder why, or think I'm weird, or a snob or anti-social.
I honestly don't know.. isn't it ok to want to be alone sometimes without being labelled anti-social? Is it ok to opt out of things for various reasons and not be judged?
but at the same time .. if I don't go to everything I'm invited to- what if people stop inviting me thinking that I'd rather be alone instead?