Why can't I shake the JEALOUSY!

[freemind]

Hey New Friends,
I wanderd around the sight last night, read some posts and gave out some ideas. However, I didn't see alot on this topic. Feelin a little shy about this one. I am a JEALOUS FREAK! I know it is insecurities. I guess it would be easier if you had a little background on me in order to help me out with this one. Here it goes. I am in a commited relationship! 16 years. I am once devorced ( not for cheating). I have three kids. None, are my fianc'es. However, he has loved them like his own most of their lives. I am 47 and he is 50. It's not like we 're spring chickens. I feel like such a child when this emotion takes over me!!! And this is the kicker, it is not about other females. It could be about always reading or snuggling the cat or jokeing with a male co-worker. I don't think he is cheeting. I don't think he will ever cheat. And this man will give me anything I want. If I want dinner and a movie, we go. If I want to shop, we go. If I want to do nothing, we do nothing. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME!!!!! OK breath. It's not like it is all the time. But it's like a panick attack. I never know when it is going to hit. Or what it is going to hit about. I have been trying not to let it get me. Unfortunatly, I had a little melt down yesterday. Oh, did I tell you we work togeather also, as Corr. Officers. Well, he is my Sgt. and I am one of two Officers on our unit. We have worked together for about 16 years. Yes, alot of questions about how we do it. And believe it or not there are co-workers we have worked with for years that still don't know we are a couple. I was put out about a male co-worker. I told him about it and now I fell guilty. I seem to be making progress in other areas but this one. I felt like I was going very fast and feeling great and now WHAM! WHAT IS THAT! I mean grow up already! RIGHT! REALLY!

[Paisleegreen]

Hi Freemind-- Great story, sounds like you have a great guy. Would you feel better if you were married? I think we all feel jealous sometimes when the person we love the most is giving their attention to others and other things. I know I have to be careful to not be jealous of one of our cats prefering my husband more than me, but then I had a dog that knew he was my "buddy" and everyone in my family was jealous of the attention I gave him vs them. But it was easy, the dog always greets me with a smile and needs me and doesn't talk back. LOL

Well, since you are here, you will start to feel better about yourself that your jealously should go away. You will find ways that will fill the void that you might feel when not all attention is on you all the time. It is part of being human and can be worked out.
Paislee

[freemind]

Thank you for the reply. We have talked about getting married but, I still get cold feet. My married life was not that great and his married life was even worse. So, when we got ingaged we set a 30 year engagement. Each time I start feelin this rage come over me, I try to find the root. I don't want to hold so tight to this man that he will run screeming away. I have a great amount of hobbies. This one problem seems to just get the best of me. Last night we went shopping, dinner and a movie. I couldn't help wondering if we were out because I made him feel bad. I am doing my best to stay in the present moment. He knows I am working with the program and listens to everything I have to say about it. He also knows I started to post on this site. I am so BLESSED. Is he to good to be true? There I go again.

[Paisleegreen]

You've been together for 16 years, right?

[freemind]

Yep, you would think I'd be grown up already. We have a very good relationship otherwise. I mean it's not perfect so, please don't think I'm trying to sell it that way. And after reading my post I sound pretty selfish. He has his down side but nothin abusive or anything like that. He has OCD and we deal with that. I am a Gulf War vet. and am sick with " The Syndrom" so there are other problems in our relationship. I just don't know about the jealous thing. Sometimes I think I'm crazy. I know that it is a symtom. We don't get into the mind game stuff. I really don't like telling him when I'm jealous. I try to work it out on my own. I know he picks up on it because we are very close. You know, like we can read each others minds and moods. Thanks again . Still working on it.

[Ldybeth]

Hi freemind,

You replied to a posting of mine on social anxiety. After your commenting regarding your own difficulties with stepping out and with having girlfriends, I can understand where you are coming from. It sounds like your guy has become your everything. I, too, am a divorcee, and within my first marriage was extremely codependent and all of my self worth was wrapped up in my relationship with this man. Since my divorce 10 years ago, I am a recovering alcoholic and have been sober now for 5 1/2 years and since becoming clean, I dated a handful of times, but really started living a life of self-discovery and independence. I am now engaged to a wonderful man who has a 15 year old son. I know with my anxiety disorder (panic attacks and social anxiety), I don't get out as much as I need to, and at heart - want to! And, although I am at a different place, (could be comfortable living alone and without being with someone),I have no girlfriends ( which seems absolutely crazy to say!), he IS my social life...lol

I love him dearly, but there is something that women friends give that no man ever can, and I know that I get frustrated sometimes by the things that set us apart as man and woman and wish he could relate better emotionally to me but then other times I'm frustrated because I feel he should be more assertive! I think this is natural given my lack of a social network and I'm unitentionally trying to fulfill all my needs in just him...

Just my thoughts, I hope this is helpful & I will keep you and you guy in my prayers... ~Beth

[Ldybeth]

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[freemind]

Thank You Beth,
I'm glad we keep bumping into each other. Congrats on the sobriety. You are right. It would be better for me to get a gal pal. I'm still working on that. I might take some classes. My fiance and I have talked about it once or twice. I never can muster up the nerve. I might be ready.

[freemind]

To Paisleegreen,
I owe you a big THANK YOU", I looked at your post and you said "You've been togeather 16 years right." I have to say while I was at work today I kept thinking about what you said. I kept seeing the words in my mind. I really have to giggle. I am so neurotic. Really, 16 years. If he were to take off running, he would have done it by now. Maybe seeing it in writing, I don't know. I think along with takeing classes, every time I feel the jealousy come on I'm going to think of you and 16 years. Thanks again. I'll let you know how it works.

[Paisleegreen]

Oh, good, I'm glad that I helped you. Now is Gulf War Syndrome, due to the chemical disbursement affecting you physically or medically or are you talking about P.T.S.D. ?

I've been married for 33 years, so that's why when you can be together for 16 years you are doing great! paislee