Stress Center Peer Support

Hello,
I can't remember if "feeling a lack of control" is a symptom of depression or not. In 2002, I was diagnosed with a bout of major depression. Was treated with meds and group therapy, courses, one on one counselling, and 3 months off of work. I eventually recovered, although it took a long time. I had major anxiety after I went back to work. I met my bf 3 years ago, and went off my meds very gradually but finally got off of all of them last year. This spring, I believe I have fallen into a depression again, but dont' want to go back onto meds.
I lost my husband to suicide 12 years ago, and the anniversary of his death is coming up this Friday. As of late, I have been crying a lot, angry outbursts, feel like I have no control over my life, suicidal ideation. So I ordered this program but haven't started yet. I just feel that my bf's demands and my grown up son's demands conflict. And I want to make them both happy, but in the process of trying to make them both happy, I have become very stressed out and very unhappy. I feel like I have lost myself, that my spark for life is gone. I feel like I have no control over my destiny. I really can't handle the stress anymore. I went to the store and bought St. John's wart and that seems to have calmed me down. I have been crying a lot and just want to be left along. I don't want to deal with the situation anymore.
Anyone else feeling like they're coming "unglued"?

genie75,
im so so sorry your going through such a rough time. i can relate a lot to the grieving process.
in the last few years i lost quite a few people, and about 4 of them have anniversaries in may(2 to suicide).
the hardest anniversary is today, in fact.

some years are better than others,and i have certainly had years like yours.
i hope this can serve as a gentle reminder that this is so completely normal. i went through the same thing, and really i swear it does pass.


one thing that helped me was to make sure i did things to honor the occasion. that way i could set aside time to just remember my loved ones, and just feel how i felt.
i also needed a lot of support. i have friends who have also lost people and are very familiar with grief, talking about it helped.
but sometimes i just needed to go out and do something.
there were times when i couldn't get out of bed, so i would call a friend to come and get me- and that was the only reason i showered and got dressed at all. and even then i was too tired to do anything but watch a movie or tv.
and the suicidal ideation? yup. been there too.
and i swear that also passes, but it passes much easier if you talk about it, write about it, make art about it, cook, sew, walk, dance- anything.

you deserve to go through this process in a gentle and loving way. you must be easy with yourself right now, your really going through a lot.
so, whatever your doing about it, perhaps doing a little something extra to remember your husband might help? or something just to comfort yourself, or finding another person to relate to might help?
in any case, we are here. so at least you have that.

and yes, you really are in charge of your own destiny, and you can get better.

my heart goes out to you.

Hope you are feeling better, Genie. I know how you feel to get so wrapped up in a depression that you don't see a way out. I would recommend talking to a friend, preferably on a nice long walk in a park. Do you have someone other than your bf to talk to? I know I feel so much better when I just make a plan of action and START. Get off my butt and get outside. Call a friend or my sister to just talk. Do something DIFFERENT. That first step is always the hardest. And if you have to get on the meds again for a while, that's okay. Good luck to you! You're going to be FINE!!

hey Genie,

I'm reading your posting and think you have so much in your plate right now...no wonder why you're feeling the way you are feeling. Please, be kind to yourself and set aside time alone, only for you and talk to your friends, open up and let them know how you're really feeling right now (that helps me a lot) no to get their pity but to find encouragement and support. I work w/my therapist talk about all kind of things --my anger, my guilt, my lack of time, the so demanding kids and husband, etc-- until I cry and grief so I can find myself in the mirror again.
You can do everything when you're alive!
Peace. Happy journey
Ivonne

Genie, I had lunch with a friend today and I opened up a little about how I was feeling down. I teared up and starting crying a bit right there in the restaurant. My friend put out her hand and we held hands for a few seconds. Then she started crying and she told me some of her issues. It was kind of comical both of us dabbing our eyes with table napkins. And I don't think anyone around us even noticed. LOL! It felt good to talk about it and it really felt good to cry! We promised we'd get together every few weeks to act as each other's therapist. Thought that story might help a little and bring a smile to your face.