Should! Should! Should!

[Plastic_Starlight]

Sometimes it seems that balance is hard to find.
These past two weeks have been sort of difficult that way. There are times when I want to do something but I'm too shy. Having recently moved to a new city where I have absolutely no social support- I know I have to get out there and do things if I ever want to find some friends.
So I do. I make a point of going out with people when they invite me, showing up to activities that are open invitation, inviting people to casually hang out. It's exhausting for me. Especially when I don't do well in large groups of people It takes all my mental capasity to seem like a normal not socially awkward human being ( an act at which I fail more times than not)
Eventually all this socializing leads to one thing. Burn out. I get so sick of trying to connect with people and trying to tal to people and get to know people and feel like I get very little back ( like have you ever had a conversation with someone where you are always the one asking the questions and they're the ones answering but never asking about you...) I just get so tired that I just need to take time off.
Like these last few weeks, last week I had some friends over for dinner, then went curling with some people one night, then went out a few more times. by the weekend I was done. I just wanted to be alone. I wanted to lay in bed and not talk to anyone. There was a bridal shower last saturday for someone I don't really know. I felt so guilty all day because I didn't want to go. Because I felt like I should go. like I had some sort of obligation because I got a facebook invivation. I don't usually participate in wedding celebrations no matter how close the friends are- and this girl I didn't really know so I didn't want to have to buy a gift ( especially since I'd have to buy another one this weekend for their wedding and I'm a poor unemployed student) and dress up and spend the night giggling with girls over wedding stuff. But I felt guilty. Like I SHOULD go. like there was some serious social norm that I was breaking by not going. Sunday was even worse. I was feeling guilty about not going to the bridal shower, so when my friend called the next day and wanted me to some to some group activity I was so embarassed about skipping out the night before that I didn't want to see her.
It just got worse from there.
All this week I've been feeling guilty. like I should call the bride and apologize for not going to her shower- I worry about the next time I see her.
Embarassed because I should have been like the other girls and excited to share in her bliss.
Then there was the wedding reception tonight. I didn't want to go. ( again I don't really know the couple. I met the bride a few times at gatherings and the groom only once) but my friend called and said I should go. it would be nice if I went blah blah blah..
and I start feeling guilty again.
I should go
I should be social.
I should.
I should...

But where is the balance? I can only be social for so long before I start to feel claustrophobic. like I just need to get somewhere where I can breathe. but I feel like I should go to everything, like it's some sort of duty, or some sort of transaction. Like if I got to this I will feel like this and I will get friends. but it's never that logical. most of the time especially if it's a large group I go and then end up coming home like I've wasted the evening.
I should be active with others or else people won't care about me. I won't have friends. And I worry that if I say that I need time to myself , or if I don't want to do something or go somewhere people will wonder why, or think I'm weird, or a snob or anti-social.
I honestly don't know.. isn't it ok to want to be alone sometimes without being labelled anti-social? Is it ok to opt out of things for various reasons and not be judged?
but at the same time .. if I don't go to everything I'm invited to- what if people stop inviting me thinking that I'd rather be alone instead?

[neojibwa]

This is one of the hardest things I am trying to overcome. My counselor keeps telling me it over and over and I still have these same feelings that you are talking about. Guilt is a sneaking little critter that keeps hiding away, but what I keep telling myself, and what my counselor keeps saying is "I am not responsible for what other people think about me. I don't have to explain my why's and defend a decision" I know that sounds hard, but when you start to do this, you start to feel your own power. You have the right to say no and not have to explain why you said no. Don't give your power away! It's to precious. You will still be invited to things, but you can say no if you want to.

[AshleyZ]

It is completely ok to want to stay home. You are not a bad person because of it, and many people make the same choices without any guilt - your feelings of wanting to stay home tell you about a need you have for alone time. Its your body telling you something is up and you need a break. More than anything you need to take that break and tell yourself its ok, its completely ok and you are a perfectly normal person to feel that way. Give yourself grace to be imperfect and not have to meet everything in your head that you think is important. Instead of asking yourself "is this ok or am I bad?" try asking yourself "am I being too hard on myself? or would others be ok doing this?" and take steps to love yourself and take care of yourself in whatever way needed.

[Pauly J]

Stop "Shoulding" all over yourself! Turn your shoulds into musts!

pauly j