Goodbye, Celexa. I'm breaking up with you.

[missgsr]

I went to my first appointment with a psychiatrist today and this is what he told me. I went there thinking he could give me some advice and encouragement to taper off my meds all together and he told me I'd probably have to always take meds for my anxiety...that I'd never be able to stop taking them. I don't know what I expected from someone who makes his money prescribing meds. I'm just a little discouraged. I don't want to be on meds forever...

On January 26, 2009 I posted the above in a thread called "You'll always have to take meds." I remember feeling so...hopeless. This person who was supposed to know everything there is to know about my condition and how to treat it was telling me I'd never get better. Well, one of the many things I've learned since then is that there's no such thing as NEVER and there's no such thing as FOREVER!

I started taking Celexa in February 2002 after being diagnosed with GAD (general anxiety disorder) and Panic Disorder.
I began at 10mg/day and increased my dosage over time (due to breakthrough anxiety) until I go to 60mg/day and stayed at that dosage until January 2012 when I decided I was finally "ready" to be free from this drug that had been numbing me to the core for almost 10 years.

"Ready" was something I never thought I'd be, especially after Dr. D-Bag told me I'd have to take medication forever. The mere thought of trying to manage life without my meds would give me anxiety. To be truthful, for most of the last 10 years I really did think I would NEVER be ready.

Anyhow, in January of this year I went down to 55mg/day. Then in February I went down to 50mg/day. This continued until June of this year when I went down to 30mg/day which is where I remained until 6 days ago. On Sept. 4th I realized I'd forgotten to take my meds for 4 DAYS (also something that would have NEVER happened a few years ago, yet another testament to my readiness). So, I just said screw it and decided to continue not taking it. I'M JUST DONE! (I'd like to note that tapering is the ideal way to get off meds).

So today is day 6 and fortunately I'm only experiencing two withdrawal symptoms. One is the very common dizzy feeling in my head. It's sort of like mild motion sickness but it's bearable. The other is that I seem to be having sort of a hard time regulating my body temperature. I get cold so I put a jacket on and immediately start getting hot flashes and sweating. Again, mild and bearable. I'm more EXCITED than anything. It reminds me of when I quit smoking. I'm counting the days and each day feels like an accomplishment.

On a mental level....I was so happy today just THINKING about what I am doing and that it's ACTUALLY going to happen that I started crying; tears of joy of course. Yes, joy. It's just one of the MANY emotions I am starting to feel again after being numbed by my medication for so long. Joy, excitement, longing, motivation, creativity, drive, lust, happiness, anger, frustration....the list goes on and on. And those last two, anger and frustration, may sound like bad feelings but it is MAGICAL TO HAVE MY FEELINGS BACK...all of them! I have to say, when I first started feeling my feelings again I felt like I was going crazy. I'd start crying over a movie or something or actually get irritated when someone cut me off. Then I realized NORMAL PEOPLE HAVE ALL THESE FEELINGS TOO!!

Do I still feel anxiety? I know this was always my BURNING question for people like the one's on the CD who'd seemingly been "fixed". And my answer is...yes. I do still feel pings of anxiety. The difference now is that I've practiced my tools so many times that it's easy to talk myself out of freaking out over nothing. Once upon a time I'd feel those pings and those tingles on the back of my neck and it would send me into a 3-month spiral of no sleeping, no eating, constant stomach knot...pure hell. But now when I get those feelings (which are becomming fewer and farer between), I'm able to make them go away in mere seconds.

I would like to state for the record that I strongly believe TOTAL JOY, HAPPINESS, AND CONTENTMENT is possible for people like us because of things like Lucinda's program. I DO NOT believe I'd be where I am today without listening to those CDs, reading books about living in the moment, talking to yourself the right way, and the healing power of our minds and listening to CDs about mindfulness, breaking free, and "becomming unstuck"....and I know it's only going to get better from here.

Like Lucinda says...how bad do you want it? If you put forth the effort in your MENTAL health, you WILL reap the benefits. With anxiety and depression running ALL through my family history, I realized that for me to retain the mental state I desire, I'm going to have to work on it every day. And you know what, I enjoy working on myself....because I feel like I've gotten a glimpse of what is possible and now I can't stop chasing BLISS!

Can't wait to see what tomorrow brings....

[missgsr]

So, now that I've seen what tomorrow brings...I WANT TO GO BACK TO YESTERDAY!

I just never thought it would be like this. I always knew getting off the meds would be hard but I didn't realize it would be hard in this way. I thought if anything, my anxiety would come back. I feel like all these years I've been training myself to deal with the anxiety if and when it came back but it's not the anxiety...it's the emotions! Yes, my joy is more intense but my anger, sadness, frustration....I just don't know how to deal with it. I haven't HAD to deal with it for 10+ years because the meds were chemically blocking all those feelings. Before, if something bothered me, I'd just stop thinking about it. If someone pissed me off, I'd just cut them off. Now, the feelings CONSUME me.

I won't give up...but now I'm questioning my decision. It would be SO EASY to just go back to the meds and not have to deal with all of this...but I know I have to just keep hanging on.

My best friend deals with a lot of the same issues (anxiety & depression) but has only taken meds in small doses and for short amounts of time. Whenever she's having a hard time, I always say, "You know, I hate to bring the CDs up again but I TRUELY believe they were the turning point in my recovery." Well, we've decided to meet once a week to self improve. We're going to make vision boards, discuss our issues, and most importantly, she's agreed to do Lucinda's program with me!!! We're starting tonight. Wish me luck.

[meluv3]

Sorry to hear you are struggling! Did something trigger the downward spiral? It sounded like you were doing pretty well being off the meds at first ... or did the stopping just catch up with you? Either way - good for you for being devoted to get through this. No shame in going back on a low dose of meds for a short time to "catch your breath". Going from 30 to 0 is a big jump. I really hope you can do it without them ... will be rooting for you!!! =) Keep us posted!!!

[missgsr]

It's starting to get really difficult now. I'm not having too much anxiety but my depression is definitely getting worse. I know I need to do things to feel better but you know how it is when you feel like poo...you want it to go away NOW! My friend suggested tapping so I think I'll try that. I wish I had a computer at so I could put Lucinda's CDs on my iPod.

Anyone else care to share their experience with coming off of anxiety/depression meds. I've done so good for so long. It's hard to feel this way (emotionally weak, sad, hopeless) when I was SO strong before.

[meluv3]

I was only on 10 mg of Celexa for a couple years and weaned 1 mg at a time - each wean was really hard for me (physically and emotionally), but I would start doing ok and wean again. I am now stuck at 7 mg and trying to figure out how to function "normal" again. Considering upping the dose, but any increase or decrease really throws me for a loop - so I'm working hard at all the positive self talk and taking good care of myself and hoping to climb outta this hole again!

[Hoosiernurse]

I know this was a post from awhile back, but I just had a thought. You know, people don't long to get off insulin if they have insulin dependent diabetes. Tight control is what makes their lives liveable. People with heart conditions don't typically long to get off their heart medications because it's what helps their heart beat correctly or whatever it is doing for them. It's helping them.

So, while I know some people are able to get off of medications once they have completed CBT, and that's fine if it works for them, why do so many seem to have the idea that somehow you are on some crutch if you don't get off the meds? The facts for people with anxiety and depression often can be that there is a genetic fault in the way you uptake serotonin, or other similar issue. That's sometimes why it can run in families, besides the environmental factors...it can also be chemical and genetic. We don't think a type one diabetic is some kind of a failure or using a crutch when he has to take insulin to be okay, so why do we feel this way with those who exhibit mental issues?

We are all a bunch of chemicals. Some fortunate few might be able to get off of medications after using CBT, but I don't believe that is most people and I don't believe they need to feel bad about their lives, or somehow less healed. The reason why CBT with medications works best is because you are learning to not continue the behaviors that contribute to your illness and you are also taking a medication that makes it easier for your body to respond to stress more appropriately.

CBT should be a firstline therapy, period. Antidepressants and antianxieties have not been shown to be anymore effective in treating MILD or MODERATE anxiety and depression than exercise and CBT. However, if you have severe symptoms that are turning your life upside down, if you know there are others in your family that tend to have these symptoms, and you are helped to live a normal life when taking medications along with your CBT...THEN TAKE THEM. It's not an abnormal state of being. It's a correction of the problem.

Don't take anymore pills than you need to, but take the ones you NEED to. And stop beating yourself up for it. This is an illness. Do the best you can to heal yourself, and be glad that you are strong enough to fight for your right to a life with joy in it.


That's all I'm saying...I was previously on Celexa two years ago, thought by going to a lower stress job I didn't need them anymore. I got off the meds, but everytime something high stress happened I went to pieces. I got into another high stress job later and went to pieces completely...walking away from it without notice. Sigh...my grandmother has had GAD most of her life and is on Celexa in the nursing home and now copes better with life than she has EVER. My mother has panic disorders and won't take meds because she plans to "pull herself up with her bootstraps"...she suffers ALL the time and is miserable a good deal of the time. My daughters are showing signs of panic and anxiety issues now as well. Am I going back on Celexa? You bet, I just did. And I'm staying on it, and doing my CBT, and letting my girls know that modern science has offered a way we don't have to be held hostage to what amounts to a genetic disease. We can make our lives better.


Hugs!