Stress Center Peer Support

Well, its been a week now since I took my last dose of Lexapro. I feel like crap. I have zero energy, chills, tongue zaps, mood swings, upset stomach, diarrhea and the list just keeps on going. I am starting to think I should have just started the Effexor last friday when I was supposed to. I feel like a failure, although I know that isnt a rational thing to think. No matter how I try to rephrase it and turn it into a positive statement, it just seems totally fake. I DID fail. So tomorrow I see my doctor and I am gonna feel like a real idiot telling him that I tried to go med free instead of just weaning off and then starting the effexor like I was supposed to.
I cant stop thinking about how unfair it is that I have to suffer with this anxiety and panic in the first place. All I want is to be normal and for me, I guess that means I DO have to be medicated. I dont know if thats a bad thing or not, but with all of the things you hear about medications causing long term problems, it just scares me.
I am on lesson 3 right now and no matter how hard I try to turn my thoughts around, it all sounds like lies and makes me kind of mad and frustrated.
I feel like I might as well be a bowl of jello sitting here.
*sigh*

I know the program says we may be able to go med free, but I acknowledge that my case is severe enough to warrant medication at this point. One day though...maybe I can turn it all loose. But I would rather be here on medication than where I was a few months ago when I went could turkey for a week off everything. It wasn't pretty or the way I'd like to spend my days.
Don't see it as a failure or weakness if you just can't cope without medication. Just see it as a helper until you can carry the load all by yourself and believe that day will come when you are ready. But don't suffer in the meantime. You have to live, and there's no point in being miserable if you can prevent it.
Effexor is just going to help balance the chemicals in your brain so that you can function. It's a medical issue and nobody would expect a diabetic to try to manage with their medication.
If you listen carefully to the tapes, Lucinda says we could probably learn to cope with these skills and get off anti-anxiety meds, but antidepressants are a little different.
Just so not to offend anyone who has been med free, My hat's off to you and I admire you and aspire to be with you in that respect one day.

Thanks you for responding. I am going to have to lay this all out for my doctor tomorrow at my appt. and see what he says. If he thinks I should go back on meds, then that is what I will have to do. I havent done anything this week except sleep and sit on this computer. I certainly dont want to live my life like this.

Reen!
I know exactly how you feel. Keep your chin up . You are in no way a failure! Not at all.
Down the line sometime you might succeed in your efforts to go med free. But if you never do, you are still not a failure! Don't even think that anymore. And certainly don't tell yourself that.
You try - and that is all anyone can do.
The time might not be right.
Keep talking to your doctor.
I wish the best of life!!
Hang in there!
MJ

Thanks for the words of encouragement Cornflower

Dear REEN38:

Pls don't beat yourself up - it's not fair to you @ all, honest. Listen, I know it sounds contrite - but, if you had diabetes or something of that nature - would you beat yourself up for that? Chances are, you would not. There are things we are genetically predisposed to, w/ anxiety disorder & depression being some of them.

<span class="ev_code_RED">2ND, while there are similarities b/w anxiety disorder & depression - & the program's skills helping/aiding both, THERE IS A VERY CLEAR DIFF B/W ANXIETY DISORDER & DEPRESSION. Depression, often @ times, is a chemical imbalance = you can't just self talk your way out of a chemical imbalance. Again, the skills of the PROGRAM do aid some degree's of depression - however, there are things that reach beyond the scopes of this program - that is not bad - nor is it a reflection of the sufferer - it is genetics. I WANT TO STATE CLEARLY, "THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NOTHING WRONG W/ NEEDING HELP AS YOU ARE RECOVERING + THERE IS NOTHING WRONG W/ YOU NEEDING THE AID OF A MEDICINE", however long that may be. The "need" for a medicine, again, IS NOT A REFLECTION ON SOMETHING YOU ARE DOING WRONG. - pls don't put so much pressure on yourself because you do or if you do. </span>

I often get alarmed when I read postings on the forums here, w/ various individuals questioning whether they should/shouldn't take a depress med. Remember, Lucinda clearly states in the PROGRAM "most cases of depress" - that means NOT ALL. There are levels of depress that require medication & that is OK - it will just give you a BETTER QUALITY OF LIFE - so that you can live the LIFE YOU WANT TO - so you dictate what & how YOU WANT TO LIVE, not the depress. I am repetative w/ this, but THERE ARE ISSUES & LEVELS OF DEPRESSION THAT REACH BEYOND THE SCOPES OF THIS PROGRAM - & ANY QUES'S YOU HAVE SHOULD BE TAKEN UP W/ A DOCTOR/MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL IN CONJUNCTION W/ THAT NATURE OF <span class="ev_code_RED">YOUR DEPRESSION</span> - because everyone is different. Yes, you have the final say - it is your body. However, while you can get opinions on here fr wonderful people sharing their experiences - NONE OR FEW OF THESE PEOPLE ARE DR'S - pls just bare that in mind.

I can't say if you'll need a depression med or anxiety med forever - I only know my body. I can share this w/ you: my anxiety disorder triggered in APR 2005. Long story short, it was bad - forced me to not be able to work + become totally dependant on my husband(I was never a needy clingy person) + I was experiencing severe sleep deprivation = 1-2 hrs of sleep per EVERY 24 HRS - it couldn't get much worse than it was for me back then. Now, I had never heard of anxiety disorder b/4 + I never took a med in my life, other than an antibiotic for the occassional cold. However, after some serious consultation w/ the psychiatrist I initiated seeing & my reg dr(was her patient for apprx 14+ yrs), I decided to take an anxiety med - the quality of my life was beyond poor & I needed something to help me help myself - I WAS DESPARATE. Yes, initially, I too beat myself up - for I thought & literally said(to my hubby & therapist) "I should be able to do this myself" - such a shame, that I put so much unnecessary pressure on myself. In addition, I my sleep deprivation was so extreme, I needed the aid of 2 sleep aids - the anxiety med & 1 sleep aid alone didn't help me. I worked in conjunction w/ my psychiatrist - I told him "ok, I will take the meds - however, I want to GO THERE - I want to address whatever it is that is behind my anxiety disorder so I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE IT FOREVER". You see REEN38, I got over beating myself up for NEEDING THE HELP OF MEDS real quick - the more time I spent doing that - was just ADDING to the anxiety & stress I was already experiencing & didn't resolve anything. W/ the aids of the meds - I was able to CALM THE SYMPTOMS SOMEWHAT - so I could address what I needed to in therapy. IN MY PARTICULAR CASE, W/ MY BACKGROUND, little by little - the more I addressed - the better I felt. The better I felt - the more secure I became. The more secure I BECAME - the less I needed the meds. I was able to periodically lower the dosages of both the anxiety med & sleep aids - UNDER THE DIRECT SUPERVISION OF MY THERAPIST. <span class="ev_code_RED">I'd like to offer a word of advice, respectfully if I may: I know what anxiety & or depress can do to a person - esp the uncertainty it creates & the extreme insecurity - it will become very easy to come on these boards looking for answers to you & what your feeling - esp as it pertains to medication. It is 1 thing to ask generic questions on these forums - sure. However, I would limit the extent of your questions & the consistency of those questions. Why? Well, there are great people on these boards w/ loads of experience - SURE. However, we must remember, NONE OF THEM ARE DR'S - NONE OF THEM ARE YOUR DR'S: who know your anxiety disorder + your depression + your background + your issues + your symptoms + your abilities, etc. So, what happens is - you begin to compare yourself & your progress/recovery to another - that will only set you up for disappointment: WE ALL HAVE DIFF ISSUES & PATHS TO RECOVERY - so such advice will always diff. 2ND, because they are not dr's & they are diff than you, YOU MAY GET CONFUSED & OVERWHELMED & EVEN MORE UNCERTAIN/INSECURE. By no means am I implying not to ask ques's, I'm just advising that you limit them & consult your PSYCHIATRIST + REG DR + PHARMCIST = so that you are being educated by the medical professionals - so they can aid you w/ YOUR CHOICES & LONG TERM GOALS. </span>

REEN38, fast forward fr APR 2005 - to RIGHT NOW - APR 2005 = <span class="ev_code_RED">3 YR'S LATER!</span> : I am no longer on any anxiety meds or sleep aids for well over 1 1/2+ yrs. I AM RECOVERED FR ANXIETY DISORDER. It took time, therapy, journaling, research: reading 16 books, Lucinda's program(TWICE) & PATIENCE I DIDN'T ORIG HAVE to get here.

Now, I AM EXPERIENCING DEPRESS FOR THE 1ST TIME IN MY LIFE - EVER. I am going to be 40 in Aug - so this is a learning experience for me. However, I understand WHY & HOW it happened. 1st, I am genetically predisposed to depress. 2nd, the past 3 yrs I have spent home - recovering fr anxiety disorder & working my tail off. Anxiety disorder in & of itself often creates depress for obvious reasons. For me, these past 3 yrs, my recovery also included MY FACING MY PAST/CHILDHOOD - which wasn't very nice - painful to be honest. I've had to acknowledge + admit + face + address + deal + feel + forgive + let go 20yrs worth of trauma. That is a lot. So, my getting depress, while so not feeling nice, lol - made sense, given EVERYTHING IN TOTALITY. Now, my depress came to a head MARCH-2007. B/4 then, I was able to tolerate/manage it for it was very mild. However, when it heightened - I went back to therapy(having graduated for several mths away fr it) - I wasn't messing around w/ depress. <span class="ev_code_RED">You see REEN38, 1 thing I realized is DEPRESS LIES LIKE HECK - it creates an existence for you that is B.S. - it attempts to exagerate/distort all things YOU + YOUR LIFE + YOUR EXISTENCE + YOUR RELATIONSHIPS + YOUR HEALTH - HELL, IT EVEN GETS YOU TO ALIENATE YOURSELF FR THE WORLD & ALL THINGS YOU LOVE. </span>It was doing all those things to me & because I never had depress b/4 - I thought THIS IS ME - THIS IS FACT - THIS IS MY WORLD = MY LIFE. This wasn't true. I went back to therapy & after more consultation, I agreed to go back to therapy + take a depress med & ADDRESS WHY I AM DEPRESSED.

I have absolutely no qualms about needing a depress med - I don't want to waste precious energy on beating myself up for needing it - when it is the med that is helping me enhance my quality of life - while I did the work necessary. I got myself to a point of acceptance where I AM NOT SUPERHUMAN - THAT YES, ME LENORE DOES NEED A LITTLE HELP SOMETIMES & THAT IS OK - cause the end result is - I DIDN'T WANT TO BELIEVE DEPRESSION'S LIES - I wanted to live better & feel better.

Let me tell ya REEN38, after being home for 3+ yrs - I have just 3 wks ago RETURNED TO WORKING U.S.A. - yep, I did it. Anxiety disorder didn't beat me & depression isn't either. I initiated the process of returning to work - I fought the nonsense & lies depress was telling me & making me feel, & hell - LIKE LUCINDA SAYS, I WENT OUT THERE IN THE WORLD & I DID IT ANYWAY. Well, literally - I got pissed off & cried - telling depress(literally yelling out loud) <span class="ev_code_RED">"I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DO - I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU MAKE ME FEEL - I AM GETTING BACK INTO LIFE - I WANT LIFE + I LOVE LIFE + I NEED LIFE. So, no matter what you try to do - I am still doing it - cause no depress is stronger than me or my character/will/ determination."</span> I've just completed MY 3RD WEEK OF FULLTIME EMPLOYMENT - paycheck's again are PRETTY COOL, LET ME TELL YOU, LOL LOL. After informing my therapist of these facts & him seeing my absolute determination, my DEPRESSION DOSAGE WAS LOWERED SOME - that is progress/recovery fr depress. I can't ask for more than that. I feel like I've been born again & I'm reclaiming what is rightfully mine - can you see the progress in that? I KNOW I AM ENTITLED TO MORE + I WANT MORE. That is a very triumph feeling.

REEN38, I too went thru the phase about HOW UNFAIR "this all is happening to me" - trust me when I say, I've had to deal w/ some DOOZY OF THINGS these past 3 yrs - WHY ME + ITS NOT FAIR - I felt it so strongly, my heart hurt fr all of it. NO, ITS NOT FAIR - but LIFE ISN'T FAIR. I'm gonna say something that you may not believe RIGHT NOW - OK? lol, <span class="ev_code_RED">I DON'T CELEBRATE WHAT ANXIETY DISORDER & DEPRESS MADE ME FEEL - it was HELL ON EARTH. However, I 100% CELEBRATE HOW BOTH "FORCED MY HAND" TO address many things that I probably would never had - if anxiety disorder had not triggered. I celebrate the changes BOTH forced me to make - THE THINGS THEY BOTH FORCED ME TO ADDRESS - how they both forced me to "forgive" + "let go" + "move on - live in the now". I celebrate THE STEPS I needed to take - because it was those very steps that gave me THE ME I AM NOW - THE BETTER QUALITY OF LIFE I AM CURRENTLY LIVING & LEARNING TO CREATE FOR MYSELF. Yep, I honestly mean all this I wrote, lol lol - you see, unbeknownst to me - prior to anxiety disorder triggering - I was living in a way that was just so HIGH MAINTENANCE(neg liv'g & thinking & over-reacting & living in the past ='g a FOREVER VICTIM) - NOW, I KNOW THE TRUTH. You see REEN38, when I ret'd to the workforce recently - I started to create a life for myself AS I WANT IT TO BE for the 1st time in my life - I am now choosing how I want to live & who I want to surround myself w/ & how I want to spend my time - being so totally ok(thks to LUCINDA) w/ the fact that NOPE, I AIN'T PERFECT & THAT IS DAMN FINE W/ ME, LOL. Anxiety disorder & depress made all that possible - by forcing my hand.</span>

Am I "NORMAL"? LOL, no, lol lol(I'm just being silly to make light of all this) - I'm fun & crazy & silly & lord, I can obviously talk a lot - what is normal really? What constitutes normal? Comparing ourselves w/ those that don't suffer fr anxiety disorder & or depress can be misleading - EVERYONE HAS THEIR OWN CROSSES TO BARE - trust me on that. Depress & or anxiety disorder can & is many a thing. Take that neg energy they both try to instill in you(turning it in towards yourself @ yourself) & TURNING IT OUTWARDS IN A POS WAY - towards proactiveness & recovery - towards action. Pls don't believe their lies - remember you are worth everything & more - you are worth the effort. There is a life out there that both these ailments want to deny you of. DON'T BELIEVE THE LIES.

LENORE

Reen,
I just stopped Lexapro completely one week ago today! I'm at the same place you are. I am med free.
I am having some difficulties but it is very manageable. I have also already completed the entire course; I suspect that is helping a lot.
One thing you should know about going off Lex, most Doctors don't even realize this, you must go off VERY slow. I went from 10mg/day to 7.5mg/day (3/4 pill) and stayed on that for one full month! Then I finally worked my way down to 5mg/day (1/2 pill) for another full month.
Yes, I did notice some differences during the half dose time. I was actually starting to feel like a real person again. I delt with every day stresses and used the tools from this program and I managed it just fine. Then, after that full month, I reduced my dose to 2.5mg/day (1/4 pill). Again, I begin to feel some differences and I had some stronger feelings and emotions but it was all manageable. Just keep doing your relaxation tapes and get plenty of exercise! And of course , no caffeine!
FINALLY, one week ago I stopped Lexapro completely! Since then I have experienced some occasional head buzzing and dizziness but nothing so far I can’t handle. Also, I am not sleeping as well. HOWEVER, I have found that I am dealing with it all pretty well. Using what I learned in this course and getting plenty of exercise, watching my diet and catching myself before I dwell on negative thoughts, I am dealing with it and I am going to be ok. You can do the same, I know you can.
Maybe you tried to come off Lexapro too fast, is that a possibility? Most Doctors try to tell you to just take half a pill for a week or so then quit taking it all together – That is just plain WRONG! It’s a recipe for relapse. Very few people are ever able to get away with that. I researched this extensively, the vast majority of people on Lexapro for 4 months or longer are not able to get free from it that fast! It takes a long time to get off Lexapro so that you will have minimum withdrawal symptoms. But it is do-able and you can do it. Just reduce it very gradually, in tiny stair steps. Give yourself PLENTY of time at each step (at least 3 weeks) until your body/mind has a chance to get used to that lower dose. Go slow and you will be ok. Just stay at whatever reduced level you want for as long as you want. Don’t try to rush it. You are going to be just fine and eventually drug free, you’ll see. I believe in you.
Please keep posting about your progress. God Bless you and Peace be with you.

Well, I followed my doctors advice and cut my dose in half for ten days, then in half again for another ten days. I feel alot better today, but to be honest my kids and my husband are driving me nuts. My youngest has been whining all day, my oldest is in the "teasing" mode, and my husband is super duper crabby.
Not the best environment for recovery.
I did see my dr. on Friday and he recommended I start taking fish oil twice a day as it helps with thinking clarity, stress, and has a ton of other health benefits. So, my strategy now is to just take the fish oil, my vitamins, get plenty of rest, and keep on plugging away at the program.
Something wierd I noticed is that I am constantly clenching my jaw....I dont even realize I am doing it until my face starts to hurt...lol.

Reen38:
Hi there!
When I was coming off some medication that I'd been on for over 6 years, I would clench my jaw
all time. It took me awhile to realize that I was clenching so hard. I got a constant headache that stayed with me several weeks due to the clenching. Also I wear dentures and that is basicly what alerted me to the problem. I got so I couldn't wear them. My face got sore from them.
You are probably going to have to work at some relaxation techniques. Because that may get very uncomfortable.
I sure wish you success about a remedy for that!!
Thanks for sharing.
MJ

Reen,
It sounds like you came off Lexapro way too fast. It should be done in smaller steps over a longer period of time to allow your body/mind to re-adjust. But since you've made it this far, by all means keep going.
You might want to try chewing gum to help with the clinching jaw issue. If at all possible, try to increase your exercise routine to help offset going off the Lex. Good luck to you and God Bless.