LOL, I like that name
"johnny roastbeef" - hahah, I made roast beef for supper the other nite for me & hubby, hahah.
DEAR HOLLY
Sometimes, when we're caught up in the process of recovery, we can't see the forest fr the trees + we can't see of ourselves, what others can - looking fr the outside in. You are being very
responsible + courageous + pro-active + strong about your RECOVERY. I know it doesn't fully seem/feel that way being you're in the midst of it all - but YOU ARE. You see, you are fighting it. You post on here constantly - to gain support + to seek knowledge so that you can become better equipped to help you help yourself: you want help + recovery & you're moving heaven & earth to find it = you are taking the very necessary steps one needs to in order to recover. You have the program & are doing it - YOU'RE WORKING IT GIRL. You initiated therapy w/ a psychiatrist. Again, all these things/steps you HOLLY are taking equate to you HOLLY wanting recovery + not settling + fighting the feelings that both anxiety disorder & depression make you feel & hell doing it anyway - you are being PRO-ACTIVE & that is key =
you want to feel better & you're taking action. See Holly, you are recovering, learning, growing.
I have heard it fr literature I've read + fr my own psychiatrist - when you "fear" something so, you are less inclined to follow through w/ it. It is when that ACT(suicide) seems CALMING + SOOTHING + A BETTER ALTERNATIVE - that it is frightening & dangerous. Depression is a frightening thing(I won't & can't lie). It creates what I refer to as an alternate universe, lol. Seriously, depression creates a STATE OF BEING - 1 so cumulatively NEGATIVE & it's so subtle that you don't realize it is happening. Depression will effect the way you think + act + react - it will try to SERIOUSLY DISTORT the reality of you + your life + all the friends & family THAT DO LOVE YOU + your recovery, etc. IT IS ALL LIES. It is all exagerated LIES Holly - God be my witness. Depression will TRY to deplete you of your
will + energy + good character + enthusiasm + drive - YOU JUST DON'T LET IT.
I am not a MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL - I AM NOT A PSYCHIATRIST. So, b/4 I tell ya my quick experience w/ depression Holly - I tell you this: <span class="ev_code_RED">yes, it is great to know you have the support here at these StressCenter.com forums & chat - esp w/ a condition that doesn't always feel good. The folks here on this site are some of the most wonderful + supportive + kind + friendly folks you will ever meet. However, pls bare in mind - a lot of them are in the midst of recovery too. W/ that said, as it pertains to MED'S - I advise you go to the medical professionals for all your DEEPLY CONCERED QUESTIONS. Don't be afraid - this is you + your life + your recovery. Make a list of all the questions you have - go ask your psychiatrist + your reg dr + your pharmacist = they are there to help you help yourself HEAL/RECOVER/FEEL BETTER.</span> I'm not necessarily saying to not ask anything regarding med's here. I'm just simply saying you are different than she/he/they/them - you are you = HOLLY. So, what will/won't work for you will differ than she/he/they/them. In addition, when you are in the midst of anxiety disorder & depression, we will feel uncertain + insecure - & our mental/emotional judgement may be a little impaired & as a result our opinions aren't always SOUND. You want the advice you get + you want the professionl & medical guidance you get - to be fr the professionals - where their opinions to you - their advice to you IS NOT CLOUDED by their very own anxiety disorder & depression.
MY EXPERIENCE W/ DEPRESSION & MEDICATION:
I have never ever had major depression until now. I was diagnosed w/ MAJOR DEPRESSION in MARCH 2007. My depression was termed SITUATIONAL/CIRCUMSTANTIAL depression. I had spent the PRIOR 2 YEARS recovering fr anxiety disorder. That recovery process in & of itself required that I be home + not be able to work + spend a lot of time alone for all the people I know worked(hubby/family/friends, etc) + face my childhood & some tough things + face myself. My getting depression, having faced & felt what I needed to, was a forgone conclusion - I just didn't understand it as that @ THE TIME. I understand NOW why I got depression.
I had recovered fr anxiety disorder. I was no longer on any meds for anxiety or sleep deprivation. So, in I think DEC/JAN of 2007, I GRADUATED fr therapy = I did't have to go anymore. Sure, during the therapy time - I felt a little depression - nothing major at all. I had control over it. Unbeknownst to me, however, it was escalating - as I emotionally & mentally was coming to TERMS W/ MY PERSONAL EXPERIENCES & FACTS. In March 2007, my hubby came home fr work. NOw, I luv him - after 11 yrs of marriage that man still gives me butterflies in my belly - when he kisses my neck - yeah, I still get tingly like(you can vomitt now, lol lol). I genuinely like spending time w/ him. Well, that day back in MARCH 2007 - he came home fr work. IT HAD NO EFFECT ON ME WHAT SO EVER - none/silch/nada. It was like(I'm being very very honest here) "oh well, who cares + no big deal + so what". Seeing him didn't make me smile + get giddy or happy as is normal & REAL FOR ME. I felt so emotionally & physically sad/dwn/discouraged/sick - he being in my presence didn't matter. We went out right after he got home. Now, I had been periodically discussing my depressed feelings w/ him - to keep him abreast - so that he, emotionally sound - would know. However & again, I always had control in the past - I was able to keep it at bay - so, both he & I were never alarmed. That day, again, we went out - to the gym. I was just initiating some real & consistant exercising(walking on treadmil) to get healthy + lose weight, etc. We started to do our own thing @ the gym. I felt so TOTALLY + COMPLETELY dwn + depleted + sick - I actually felt like vommiting + I was crying bad bad bad bad on the treadmill. Being around all those folks at the gym & my hubby had no effect on me - I felt like they weren't even there + it did't matter + there was NO HOPE. I immediately walked over to hubby - who noticed something. I told him - "we need to leave right now - I feel sick & I think I need to call the psychiatrist immediately - I am afraid of what this THING is making me feel & think." I cld the psychiatrist's office in the parking lot. They FIT ME IN FOR AN APPT that Monday(it was THURS NITE). I told my hubby in the parking lot, "I need to go back to therap & I think I need a depression medication. That sat - got so bad(all the same previously mentioned things)- I cld the psychiatrist on a sat - it was snowing. He couldn't do anything - but tell me he will see me Mond - he questioned if I wanted to hurt myself - I told him no(cause I didn't) - it's just the totality of what depress was making me feel was very
OVERWHELMING. That Mond - I went back to therapy.
Now, my psychiatrist is not 1 who will prescribe a med @ immediate will. Heck, lol - he's like the FBI & CIA combined. For almost 2 hrs - he grilled me - inside & out = every question you could think of - he asked - specifically as it pertained to EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING & FEELING. I told him, "I think I need to consider a depress medication". I too GRILLED HIM, lol - chk me out right, hahahah
I then told him,
"ok, I will take a med. However, if I am - we're gonna GO THERE. We are gonna go to all the places that are the reasons behind why I am depressed. I worked too damn hard to get myself to a place where I can admit what I'm thinking & feeling - to just allow depress to take that fr me. I have no intention what so ever to be on depress med's for life. So, we together are gonna do the work here." I was not & never was a complacent woman. I am not the type of woman/person who would sit back & just simply take his word for something OR take whatever he says w/o my own decision = "ok give me whatever" - if I needed the med - I needed & wanted to address the why's behind it so that I could heal/recover - so that I wouldn't need to take it forever. I wouldn't be happy to just take the med & not to any work.
Now, again, I never had major depression b/4 - nor have I ever taken a med for it b/4. I had fears as well. The only thing I've ever taken(prior to this journey) in my life was either antibiotic for cold OR advil for menstrual cramps honest. I had fears cause not only did I not fully understand depress & the required meds - I also grew up in an area where drugs were rampant. Now, back then I didn't know what drugs these folks were taking - I was little. I did see, as I was growing up, these wonderful people decline into the pits of drug addiction HELL. I've seen college educated folks w/ careers - lose it all cause of illegal & prescribed drug use. I didn't know a lot growing up(you know how we pretend to KNOW IT ALL - but we really know jack booty squat) -
I just knew I DIDN'T WANT TO BECOME THEM + DIDN'T WANT TO LIVE THEIR LIVES AS A RESULT OF THEIR DRUG USE + I SWORE IT WOULD NEVER BE ME. So, I feared the unknown - I feared becoming them - more important, I FEARED KNOWING I NEEDED HELP - THAT THIS "THING" WAS THAT SERIOUS. My needing that SERIOUS HELP for my DEPRESSION scared me.
Fortunately, I had 3 great things on my side: 1) our God, 2) my psychiatrist w/ over 30+ yrs experience, & what I would realize + accept + appreciate, 3) I had ME. The anxiety disorder recovery journey dictated that I get to know myself + trust myself + love myself. So that, having recovered fr anxiety disorder - I could HEAR MY INNER VOICE = MY GUT = MY "GOD" VOICE - I could trust myself - listen to myself, not what the ailments were trying to tell me. Depression, as I said earlier, was trying to make me THINK + FEEL + BELIEVE all the wrong things. Depression attempted to COMPLETELY/TOTALLY deplete me of my
energy + drive + will + enthusiasm + belief system - & replace it w/ <span class="ev_code_RED">discouragement + lack of self love/empathy/compassion - painting the world & all it entailed for ME - gray/black/doom/gloom/not loved/why bother w/ this that & the other thing, etc.</span> Little by little, whatever depression was making me feel - I DID THE OPPOSITE & EVEN IF FILLED W/ LACK OF ENERGY/WILL - damn, I got up & w/ tears in my eyes & aches in my body - I did it ANYWAY - I didn't listen to depression.
My taking a depress med was done so w/ a healthy & realistic viewpoint. My depression was heavy & weakening me in that I didn't have the total oomph to combat it & do the work needed to do in order to heal & recover fr it. I am a fighter - definitely not lazy = my recovery fr anxiety disorder proved that. I needed some help so I could do what I needed to do. I wasn't about to cut off my nose to spite my face - I needed help = I felt it in my body/heart/soul/spirit - when I'd go outside w/ the sun out & birds singing - feeling like I was the only person on earth & I couldn't feel the sun or hear them pretty birds singing. I KNEW I needed to do something. Depression was NOT about to take fr me what I worked 2 damn hard years to get: my inner peace + self love + love of life/family/friends + forgiveness + letting go = ALL GREAT THINGS. What did it for me, my deciding to take a depress med, is the level & severity of my depress & admitting I knew I needed help. I knew I wanted to do the work necessary & I needed to - I also knew I needed help getting there.
I had no experience w/ depress & I had the same STRONG FEARS as you mentioned. So, I fought like hell. I was always BLUNTY HONEST w/ myself on what I was thinking & feeling cause of the depress - I then also informed my therapist - so that he could help me + I also told my husband, daily, on what I was thinking & feeling - so that, if necessary- he could be THE RESPONSIBLE ONE - take over if I couldn't. Yes, my having to do all this was scary - it was also very responsible.
I attended therapy @ every scheduled appt - & I went there girl - no holds barred - I let it all out, whatever I was feeling & thinking - I even journaled at home to help me. This was homework & I was a depress recovery student, lol. My depression was hard/hell/scary - in what it was TRYING to make me feel/think - TRYING IS THE OPERATIVE WORD here. After I found the med right for me, it gave me the GRIP I needed to fight it. No, it didn't take all the depress away. It did give me that EDGE you refer to so I could do what was needed. It was hard @ x's & scary as well. I fought it w/ every single ounce of my being/soul/spirit. Every single day - in spite of what it was trying to tell me to HINK/FEEL/DO/ACT - I did the opposite. Even on most days when emotionally & physically I had nothing left - I FORCED myself to do the things in my gut, I know I should be doing: <span class="ev_code_RED">shower + get dressed in something nice even if I had no where specifically to go + put some perfume on + eat healthier + exercise a little something every day + reach out to people/family/friends via in person/email/telephone/im, etc - cause depress will try to make you ISOLATE YOURSELF w/o you even knowing it + force myself to watch funny movies - to force myself to laugh - its like cryptonite to depress let me tell you + read books + pampermyself: bubble bath/pedicure/hair appt + going shopping for that blouse I just don't need but got it anyway + went out to dinner w/ family or friends + surround myself w/ people who did't have depression so that I could be reminded daily that what depress was making me feel & think wasn't real + if I was having a tough day I cld someone to just get it out, but doing so w/o allowing myself to wallow or dwell & w/o having 1 massive pity party.</span>
EX:
1 day, on a fri - I was feeling kind of heavy hearted w/ the totality of my depress = dwn + disouraged + morbid + sad + lonely. I remembered this radio station here in NYC has this KISS THE WEEK GOODBYE THING on FRI'S - they play really really fun(make ya move your tushy) music for like 1/2 hr. So, I forced myself to go into the kitchen @ about 8am. Hubby had left for work already. I remembered telling myself(thinking) "oh it probably won't do anything". I said "B.S. I'm going to listen anyway". The 1st song came on & my butt started moving a little + then the next song, I felt myself singing a few words - HOLLY , by the 3rd song(honest) I wanted to dance & I told depression "the hell w/ you" & I got up & danced FOR ME - FOR MY SOUL/SPIRIT - CAUSE I WANTED TO FEEL GOOD. I sang off key & danced like someon tazered my butt - but I had fun & I felt alive.
I realized how much a healthy dietary intake & exercising would be to me healing fr depress. So, 2 or 3 mths after getting officially diagnosed w/ depression - I joined WEIGHT WATCHERS. I had gotten fat - @ 5'3 1/2, I weighed in@ 211.8. So, I began to learn to eat healthier+ combat my food issues in therapy + implement consistent exercising. 1 day, it as 4:00pm & I realized I didn't do much of anything. No, I had every reason & opportunity in the word to sleep in bed OR lay on the couch all day. I didn't - I could count on less than 1 HAND how many times I slept in bed cause of the tiredness fr depression. This day, upon realizing I had done squat - I forced myself to get up. Now, emotionally & physically I was depleted & hurting, REALLY BAD. To walk felt like I had 100's lbs metal chains on me, while simultaneously hitting a forcefield w/ every step I tried to take. I FORCED MYSELF & DID IT ANYWAY. I knew, in listening to my GUT - that it was depress making me feel & think these things - that if I didn' have depress I would do these things. Holly, w/ as much honestly as I could convey here: w/ tears literally rolling dwn my face that day - in physical pain w/ aches everywher - I got up. I put on shorts & a sports bra & I got on our treadmill. I started to walk slowly - it was hard, I was hurting & I was crying. I yelled - screamed @ IT & I said, "you shall not beat me. I am a child of God & he loves me & I love him. Jesus Christ claimed me a long time ago. W/ that, I walked for 30 min's.
It is acts such as that, above ^^^^^ = the DOING IT ANYWAY that creates THE MOTIVATION. Motivation comes fr DOING. It is also part of the iniation of healing fr depress. You trusting yourself - not depress & doing it anyway - you fighting it - cause you know in your gut YOU ARE WORTH IT - YOU LOVE YOURSELF.
17 mths after my having gotten diagnosed w/ major depression, I have accomplished many great things: I have created a lifestyle change = I eat healtier + exercise consistantly every day(something, anything - even a walk): <span class="ev_code_RED">I have lost a total of 70lbs thus far- I'm only 1.2 lbs away fr goal @ weight watchers!!!</span>My depression med dosage has been lowered several times as a result my work in therapy & @ home - now I am on the lowest dosage possible - the last step being my getting off meds completely. I returned to WORKING USA for the 1st time in almost 4 yrs & I am doing pretty darn well if I say so myself - never underestimate a paycheck w/ your name on it let me tell you, lol lo
:p Most importantly, I am healing/growing/evolving as a person + woman & DEPRESSION IS LOSING ITS BATTLE W/ ME. Holly, I celebrated my 40th bday recently. We went out & did various things & took pictures during all of it. I was having coffee w/ hubby this morning - looking at those pictures. 1 in particular caught my eye. I was holding our puppy ginger(shih poo @ almost 1 yr old). I said to hubby, "wow, I like this. Not because I look cute, lol. Seriously, I see recovery in my eyes - I see my soul in those eyes & that sincerely happy smile on my face." Holly, right after I got diagnosed w/ depression, I recalled w/ hubby my meeting up w/ my best friend of 30 yrs. I recalled a pic I took w/ her youngest daughter. Sure, I was kind of/sort of smiling - but you could see depression in my eyes & you could tell the smile was hard fought - forcing it almost. However, when I looked @ that pic fr my 40th bday this morning - it told a different story - my SOUL & SPIRIT were finding sincere happiness again - something I had fought really hard for. It was happening to me.
I hope my story, if anything, conveys HOPE + INSPIRATION + POSSIBILITY to you Holly. That you don't let the fear rule you - that recovery fr depress is very possible - that there is hope out there. Keep doing what you're doing. Keep working the program + go to them therapy session - be honest w/ yourself & therapist - you too shall heal. Continue to take action in whatever way you can to heal fr depression - don't believe its lies - cause they are just that, LIES.
God Bless,
Your friend,
LENORE