Hello...not new to anxiety...ready for change.

[Sing123]

My story begins when I was a young girl. I grew up in a great household. I had a great and loving family in which I was/am very close to. The problem began when I started kindergarten. I just remember certain girls excluding me in their groups ( I was a super shy kid). I would take it really hard and always found that my safe place was at home. I don't remember having so much anxiety as a child, but I do remember always being a loner. The sad thing was I grew to accept it until I reached jr. high. I finally met a few girls in which I could call my friends. At that age, I remember starting to open up a lot to certain people. It seemed then, that I started to worry more about what I looked like, etc. I just remember in 8th grade having my first real panic attack during class. It was horrible. Even though I didn't realize what it was at the time, I knew I didn't want to endure that feeling again. I began to obsess about these thoughts. My biggest fear was people noticing me having these moments of anxiety. My freshman year was the worst. The anxiety got so bad, that I started to believe that I was acting differently...therefore I started to act differently. As you know...kids pick up on it and they started to bully me every day. I became a person all throughout high school that was a loner all over again, avoided social outings, you name it. Didn't realize what the issue was...just knew I was lacking major self-esteem and confidence. My parents knew I was struggling...just didn't know how to help. Got into college...still experienced the same insecure symptoms. It was until the age of 19 after losing a close family friend in a car accident that I knew I needed to find some help. I went to the dr...they diagnosed me with anxiety and depression. They put me on an anti-depressant medication which did help. I began to focus a little better in school....even started making friends and hanging out with them. Another major problem of mine was fear of failure. I struggled for a few years now..and even now with figuring out a career path....independence...etc. Seems as if I could not figure it out...everything I went into...I failed at. I remember having one of the worst days in college and finally going to my therapist that day. They ended up prescribing me ativan to handle my attacks. Things did get increasingly better once I got on the ativan...now present day I am still taking a low dose of both my antidepressant and ativan. I struggle horribly with anticipatory anxiety..but have learned to force myself to go places no matter what. I have a lot more friends now...things are great in that aspect...but as for the job...really struggling there. My fear of failure often overcomes me. I do have a job...only part-time as of now. I came to the realization that the ativan won't solve the issue and that I have to change the issue to get better. That is when I bought the attacking anxiety/depression program. I am on session 2. I don't have as many panic attacks, anxiety is getting better as a I age...but I still have trouble with anticipatory anxiety when I leave home. My goal is to learn to overcome my anxiety and depression so I can get off my ativan and antidepressants. My issue is more anxiety based...that could possibly lead to depression. I am tired of living in the past and anticipating the future. Time for change. Any thoughts would help. My biggest battle is getting out without my ativan on my own. I have become dependent. I want to overcome my dependence.