Ask Coach Chris

[coachchris]

Love this quote :

"The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself.”
— Anna Quindlen

[coachchris]

I am reading Lysa Terkeurst's new book Unglued. It contains many of the same cognitive principles that StressCenter program has. I would suggest it for those women who are continuing to want to grow and feel good about themselves. For you men: feel free to pick it up if you want to understand the women in your life better

Coach Chris

[coachchris]

There are heroes and then there are HEROES. I had a client send this article to me recently. She has a hard story to understand and heal from. She continues: one day at a time, one moment at a time. She doesn't have all of the answers but she chooses to love herself unconditionally and be a positive influence in a hurt world. She is my hero. To all of those patient men who are loving these women on their journey; I respect your dedication and determination. They need amazing men like you! Thank you!




The Emotional Toll of Abuse on Women
© 2000 Michele Toomey, PhD
Abuse that begins in childhood takes the highest toll. Children are just forming their view of the world, their sense of who they are in relation to the world, and where the power lies. Abused girls tend to learn that they are unworthy and have little or no power and that the bullies are superior and have all the power. Some abused girls react rebelliously and counterattack, becoming abusers themselves, but they are the minority. Either way, childhood abuse takes a toll that has a lifetime effect.
The most devastating toll is the self-abuse that evolves out of being abused. Children think they deserve the abuse, and they turn on themselves. Instead of learning how to live intimately and at one with themselves, in keeping with the integrity they were born with, they are at war with themselves, violating themselves and their integrity. They learn to say to themselves the abusive words and phrases that have been directed at them. They form their self-image around the unworthiness and inadequacy that the hostile messages from others defined them as: stupid, ugly, and bad. They feel not wanted, not deserving and not good. They are diminished, often depressed, and always damaged. There is no limit to the emotional toll of abuse. It destroys a child's sense of well-being, strips away its sense of worth, and leaves it as a violated shell, unable to recover from the onslaught of abuse without believing, on some level, that they deserve it.
If the child is a girl, she is particularly vulnerable to these assaults. Gender roles are still quite clear that boys are to get angry when attacked and should fight back, while girls get hurt and cry, and should look for someone else to protect them. Unfortunately, for abused girls, there is either no one to protect them or they think there's no one who will protect them. So, if she can't break out of the gender role, a girl is trapped by the abuse and the abuser. She tries to please, hoping that if she's a "good girl" she won't be abused. When that doesn't work, she begins to doubt her worth. Certainly if she knew how to do it right, "goodness" would protect her. Or so goes the myth. Since she can't and it doesn't, then she concludes that she is not good enough, she is bad, unworthy, deserving of the abuse. That is emotional toll.
She may try to become invisible, get really quiet, withdraw, not come to anyone's attention, just live in a world of her own. This survival technique serves to diminish her. Yet, even an apparently invisible child in an abusive environment, continues to get abused. How can it be that no matter how quiet and withdrawn she gets, she's still abused? Obviously, she's not small and quiet enough. She must continue to try harder and get smaller, quieter, more invisible. That's emotional toll.
So. this unworthy, bad, still not small enough girl, can make no sense out of abuse. If she can't figure it out, she must be stupid. They are right. She's also stupid, very, very stupid. What hope is there for her? She's unworthy, bad, and now stupid. That unbearable combination of traits becomes her self-image. That is emotional toll.
But, now comes the final violating stroke. The guillotine of a psychological beheading. She begins to hate herself. She's failed at everything she's tried. The abuse continues. She has blamed herself for every failure. There's nothing left but to despise who she is. If she were more worthy, good, smart, and successful, all would be well. But she is unworthy, bad, stupid, and a failure. She deserves to be abused and she most certainly deserves to be hated and despised.
The destructive effects of abuse have done their job well. She no longer needs another to violate her. She now knows the routine and she's caught in the corrupting pattern of it. Her inner dialogue will now be an inner diatribe. She will harangue herself. She will verbally and sometimes physically mutilate herself. Her success is measured by her suffering. Suffering is her lot. The emotional toll is now an emotional rack that gets stretched regularly by herself.
Not all abused women were abused children, but many, if not most of them are. Abused children are prime targets for becoming abused adults. However, even women who had happy childhoods and loving parents, are susceptible to becoming victims of abuse. The gender role messages are in the very air we breathe. If you are a good woman, loving, generous, hardworking and nice, you will have a loving partnership with a strong, good man who will protect you and together you'll have a good life. If and when this expectation isn't met, women are set-up to blame themselves, and the abusive pattern begins. Maybe she's not pretty enough, thin enough, understanding enough, generous enough. Maybe she's not enough.
This self-doubt can open the floodgates to all the other ways a woman gets caught in blaming herself for being abused. The love and need for a man coupled with self-blame and self-hatred is often more than sufficient to lock a woman into enduring abuse for years. It is a vicious cycle in which abusing herself is the key. The one thing she becomes successful at is enduring abuse, her own and others. To be free, she must stop abusing herself.
Self-loathing is the ultimate outcome of abuse directed at women, and not all abused women become obvious or clear in their self-hatred and abuse, but some variation on this theme is present in every abused woman. My question and my challenge to all women is: How dare we tolerate such horrific emotional devastation from abuse directed at women, and why don't we take a stronger stand and join together, refusing to keep silent anymore? We need to be a loud and vibrant part of the momentum that runs counter to the gender role and the norm, refusing to blame ourselves and each other for our abuse. We need to join hands, join voices and confront, first ourselves, then each other, and then the world as we demand intolerance to verbal as well as physical abuse of women.

[coachchris]

Tired and Wired~
Yuck. That feeling is the worst.
The remedy you ask?

* Use your relaxation cd the best you can
* Take a warm bath with Epsom salts and lavender oil
* Chamomile tea before bed
* Slow down...walk slower, talk slower, text slower, gear down
* Drink your water, decrease stimulants and sugars
* Treat yourself to a massage

Tired and Wired will be replaced with peaceful, present moment living.

We believe in you!!

[coachchris]

Hey Everyone,

In an effort to continue to be able to reach out and help as many people as we can, in as many ways as we can, I am looking for your feedback. How else can we help you?

Would you like to be able to text a coach
Call a coaching line and pay by the minute or in 15 minute increments
More "coach chats" and if so what times
More coach responses on the forums
Group coaching
Skype or Facetime

Feel free to reply below, private message me or email me at stresscoachmattice@gmail.com
Thank you so much for your time and shared thoughts.

PS. In response to some feedback we are offering 60 minutes of coaching for the cost of $99. You can breakup the minutes anyway you would like. So if you want 4-15 minute calls or 2-half hours calls this is a good fit. Contact me via private message or stresscoachmattice@gmail.com to signup.

Here to help.
Coach Chris StressCenter.com

[allenae9]

I love the text and pay by minute options. Sometimes I need a quick lift not a full session to really dig in, and that option is more out of my price range. I found the coaching session really helpful and I think the consistency of coaching is important. Great work Chris! I know I appreciate it.

[meluv3]

Hi Coach Chris! On one of the chats you mentioned you had information on adrenal fatigue ... I was wondering if you could post it or send it my way? Also, I was going to send a PM, but maybe someone else would find this useful. I am struggling with how much rest I need to recover. I feel exhausted and miserable/anxious almost ALL the time. I've heard that after a "breakdown" it is recommended to be in bed for long periods - have you heard this? I think that is why it is hard for me to fight the anxiety symptoms when I am out of bed because in the back of my mind I wonder if I need more rest to recover. I think for me, I need more mental rest than physical ... but the mental takes a toll on the physical too. Also, have you heard of anyone recovering from a "breakdown" without meds? Or is that just unheard of these days? Thanks so much for your help!!!

[Juststand2]

Hi,
I am relatively new to the program and I am suffering from OCD, the handwashing kind. It is wearing me out physically and mentally. I go from having good days to having bad days. I never know what is going to happen lately. I do not know what it is like to not feel anxious. I know my fear of being contiminated is irrational, but I cannot seem to get pass it. I cannot get anywhere on time. I pick certain places to go to that are clean and other places that I think might cause me cleaness anxiety I avoid. I live alone so it is easy for me to make excuses for doing this and to be fearful. I have done a lot of research on this disease in an effort to get better. I have never taken any meds. and being this out of control is new to me. I desperately want to get better and I believe that with the right direction I can. I have a counselor that I am seeing, but it is not helping. Talking about this every other week to him is not the answer, I need solutions. I do enough talking in my head to myself. I have thought about taking medicine, but I do not want to be hooked, I do not want to be stuck on something for life because I get crazy trying to go off of it, and I would like to try some natural herbal remedies if there are some. I have always been very clean and neat and I had my personal I cannot stand hygiene quirks such as people licking their fingers and touching me. It used to be wash my hands or use hand sanitizer and go on. However, somewhere along the way the problem got worse. I started washing everything off that I thought might be dirty and washing my hands every time I thought I might have touched something dirty. How do I stop the what ifs and conquer this fear? How do I stop being afraid of germs? Is five HTP good for OCD? Is the relaxation medicine that you all sale good for OCD? PLease respond.

[taco161]

Hey Coach Chris! Man everybody is coming to you. You must be one of the best coaches dang anyway here is my story feel free to email me at nickramsey123@hotmail.com or text me at (360) 391-9518
Hi my name is Nick Ramsey and I have had generalized anxiety disorder and panic disorder. It didn't become noticeable until my sophomore year in high school in 2006 when I was 16. I had was coming home on the bus one day feeling like i was scared and was going to have a heart attack. I came home and I was doing okay just chilling at my desktop computer before my laptop. At 5pm all of a sudden I felt scared, my heart was beating, I felt like my chest was tight like I couldn't breathe. I live in Burlington WA and I had to call my dad when he was coming home from work where I was hysterical and very upset and told him something was wrong. I described what was going on and he said to me nick you are having a panic attack. I was like what. What the heck is that. He explained to me what it was and that he reassured me by calming me down what it was. For the rest of the night I felt just drained and my appetite was poor. For the next few months I didn't like going anywhere and I couldn't get into places like stores or the mall at night. My pattern was I wake up fine and it would build during the day and it reached it's peak at 5pm. I would cry then for a little bit feel better until the next day. I had no trouble sleeping. It was also genetic. My parents struggled through it and find their ways. I had a great support system thank god for that. However I was still miserable and having constant anxiety and my dad said that we need to get you some help. Because I don't have the tools to fix you completely. That was true then I was waiting for others to fix me. As of this year and a couple of years now exactly I started learning that you have the ability to fix yourself and stop asking for reassurance from others. Something I am still struggling with. Anyway I went to my primary doctor who referred me to shifa health where a bunch of shrinks throughout the years would refill me on prozac after a month. I started feeling like I wasn't in a dream anywhere that was in a nightmare and felt like I was in hell. Over the years I would relapse and they had to keep upgrading my prozac until I seem like 30 mg keeps me stable. A couple of years ago I started new feelings like feelings of choking, chest pain, headaches, and panicky feelings all the time. Shifa Health prescribed me Klonopin and I feel great with no panic attacks in 2 years. I at times will have scary obscessive thoughts where I would act differently but these medicines helped me to cope and deal with my emotions and life. I just need to learn stop being afraid to get on elevators and learn how to get on airplanes. In december of 2011 my insurance of tricare ran out so I got medcaid so I found out shifa doesn't accept medicaid so for a year in 2011 I saw a counselor named Ryan Strunk and a medicine prescriber named Mary Stewart at a place called Compass Health in Mount Vernon. Eventually their records indicated that I was so stable with my anxiety that my primary care provider could handle my meds which he does of now. I purchased this program because I pursue some more skills other than the counselor that will always value. Lucinda sounds like a person that you want to listen because so far she is right on the point with what my parents are trying to say. The five monthly payments of 49.95 was freaking great because I was on a fixed income. This program is about dedication and practicing. Someone say on tv if you don't use it it is not going to do you anything good. I go back to it everyday and it was a woman named Meredith said that. I'm intrigued by these people who conquered their emotional struggles sharing their fears and success stories. Hopefully I will be there sharing my story on StressCenter. Hopefully I can be in one of Lucinda's groups we will see.

[coachchris]

Meluv,

I would check out http://www.christensencenter.com/ or www.endfatigue.com. Both are very good and each of the MD's have their own personal story with adrenal fatigue.

One of the first goals we want to work on is making sure that we aren't making decisions based in fear but facts. Fear says 'stay in bed.' Facts say, 'It is safe for me to get up and move around, I will stay positive and under-react. I will listen to my body and manage it in a healthy way. My body likes being in motion. It will feel different but I am safe and I will go slow.'

I know plenty of people recovering without meds. Stay positive and don't let the lies lead. Be strong and courageous. You are safe and you are healthy