Stress Center Peer Support

Hello,
I wrote this in another discussion but I think it's better here in the growth spurts.
I was wondering if there are any people out there who can relate to this -
I just had a bad couple of weeks w/ anxiety and obsessing, but I've been really doing good the last few days. A little background: I was fine a month ago and then the anxiety started, followed by scary obsessive thoughts (it's been years for me since I went through a bad obsessing time).
For the past couple of weeks a new bout of scary thoughts came to me that I obsessed over almost 24 7. What if I am a psyco or crazy like you see on the news? This is the last thing I thought I would EVER obsess about because it's just so ridiculous! The old obsessions from years ago didn't bother me anymore, so this time my mind tried something new (maybe I seen something on the news that scared me - I don't know).
Right now I am progressing quite well and just have this little loose end hanging around that maybe you all can relate to.
OK, I have been trying to let things flow by. I try to say, oh please, that's a dumb thought and dismiss it. Once or twice now though I find myself still trying to pull the worry back in. Thoughts like, I SHOULD worry about that or this thought, or, does this/that worry me anymore? What if it doesn't? I analyze my feelngs and think, was that worry? Then I worry, analyze, feel sick, panicky and anxious. I can push myself right into a panic attack over analyzing how I feel. Oy!
It seems like my obsession became "what do I feel?"
I'd like everyone to know, though, that I DO NOT get comfort from this stuff BUT am just obsessing on how I feel.(So no scary comments OK) My thoughts stop at just that, a thought, I don't picture anything, no images, no stories come into my mind, so I guess I have it good there, but it still scares me sometimes.
It's like I can't win. I mean, a month ago I would have never questioned if I was crazy or psycho (I honestly don't think that thought has EVER crossed my mind before- I am sooo nonviolent) I would never have let that even bother me because it's just SO damn ridiculous for me, but the scary thoughts just try to twist and leap around to find something else and new to worry about. It's absolute hell and I really feel for ALL of you who are going through this.
I get over one thing then something new tries to say, well, think about this. I get myself into a cycle of questioning.
I know that I AM OK! I am very much NOT a psyco! When I calm down I say, how pathetic to even START TO WORRY ABOUT THAT - of course it scares you, it's run you through hell the past couple of weeks. It's just something stupid you put in your head to be scared of.
When I tell my husband about all this I can almost laugh because it is SO stupid to obsess over all this and when I say it out loud I don't believe one bit of it! You really feel like an idiot that you've just let your mind try to convince you you're nuts.

So, I guess my question is WHY do we do this to ourselves? Can anyone answer that? Can anyone relate? When you are trying to get over the "thoughts" do you find your mind trying to pull you back in with - what ifs and doubt?

I know in a way that's how we're supposed to begin to feel (not bothered- just let it go) when we're overcoming this, but man, it's so hard for me sometimes to let it go as it tries to pull me back in. It's almost like, I don't remember how I overcame it last time. Did I just let it go? Did I what if like this before?
After I ruminate awhile, I can rationalize, and KNOW that I'm not a bad person and am just trying to accept all these thoughts as meaningless, a stupid habit I just picked up and am running with, but at that moment I put myself through such terror. You what if every little comment and question you hear, every bit of info on scary thoughts, everything you read, you pick it all apart and try to find the scary stuff in that. You test yourself mentally. You think things like: Do I feel numb? Do I still feel fear over that thought? Shouldn't I? Why aren't I crying and super upset? Did that just bother me or didn't it? OH GOD! You really can freak yourself out! You question EVERYTHING and it sucks!

Sorry I'm rambling I'm just trying to get my thoughts out. I know it's long and I should be working instead of writing right now but I thought maybe some of the veterans could iterate on how they got through the questioning.
Why do we question ourselves as we're trying to detach from the ruminating and get on with our lives? Why does it try to pull us back in with whatever it can?
Any advice to how you got through?
Like I said, I'm doing really, really well with all of this, I feel really close to letting all this crap go finally after the last couple of weeks. But, this question is something I'd like to hear others comment about.

Thanks for listening guys! (Remember NO scary stuff - please don't scare me into thinking anything else - I'm sooo close to recovery) I know this is long (I'm a writer- lol) I am SO glad we all have each other here for support!

I feel like I wrote this myself. I have OCD too and have been able to deal for years. Recently Ive had some incidences come up that have created the OCD thoughts and then I have the panic attacks. It is one crazy vicious cycle. Make sure you are exercising everyday. It releases those endorphins and helps those serotonin drops which causes that ruminating. Also I've started using Rescue Remedy during the day...it helps you to "get out of your head" and relax. It is natural and you can get it at GNC. I'm also going to start taking 5-HTP which helps your body produce serotonin(this is what Zoloft does) I just don't want to go on meds if I can help it.
I know how you feel and I'm giving you a virtual hug. I hope this helps.

try to remember that OCD is fueled by fear and exaustion, try to not watch the news or hear anything that will upset you, for me if I see something that has the potential to freak me out I literally will say la la la la in my head until I can change the subject or change the channel! try not to give it the oportunity to "stick" and if it does stick then dont get panicy about it, just float through the thought and practice under reacting to it, I think the biggest mistake we sometimes make it trying to rationalize the thought like, well that person on the news must have done that crazy thing because xyand z and I dont have any of those circumstances going on in my life so that cant happen to me, in reality all we are doing is adding fuel to keep the thought around, I still catch myself doing this and then I will say something like wait, who cares, not my reality and never will be! on to something else now, and force myself to focus on other things. It's gets easier I know its hard at first. and if we forget to use the tools than we can have a growth spurt,but they never last as long or are as intense as our first experience with anxiety. Hope this helps!

Thanks to the both of you! Like I said, I'm nearly there and I'm sooo glad I have skills and knowledge this time to deal with it. Last time I didn't and it was terrible. I guess just because this was a new one I panicked. The scary thoughts are the worst! I could deal with anxiety all day long (and have before) but it's the scary thoughts that upset me sooo much!
Thanks for the talks!

Ok,

The answer of why this happens? i think you understand the why for sure. Think of it this way, you can use CBT to cure OCD but it was our current behavior mixed with stress prior to the pure "o" spike that got us back into the "bad habit". It's hard to realize as you are going through it, but look back at your lifestyle prior to the first spike you had in 10 years. In my case, I had WAY too much stress and I didn't even realize it. When that stress got alleviated my mind was still producing anxiety as though I was in that stressed state. I had re-formed the bad habit. We just have to give those thoughts nothing to grab on to. Look at your mind as a wall, now grease that wall with positive attitude, exercise and good times. the thoughts will come but they WONT stick.. The wall will be WAY to slippery.

Zoe

It's not the content of the thoughts that is the problem. It is your fear of the feelings that those thoughts create that is the problem. The only way out is through. You must experience anxiety in order to learn that it will not hurt you. This is not an easy thing and you need to do this at your own pace but it needs to be done just the same. Put yourself in anxious situations repeatedly (there is no time frame on healing) until you get to a place where the feelings are no longer dictating your actions. It doesn't mean you will never feel anxiety again. It also doesn't mean you will never have obsessive thinking again. What it does mean is that you will no longer be affected by the anxiety and your obsessive thinking. You'll hear a thought and just dismiss it. You'll say: "WHATEVER" to that scare voice and move on. You were born a phobic. You can learn to live with it "unemotionally" by practicing dismissal of the thoughts. Be the observer. Instead of saying "Oh, no here they come", just watch your thoughts. Allow them to come and go. Practice this everyday. To help you "get there" you can do Designated Worry Time exercise, you can desensitize by writing your obsessive thoughts down for about 20 minutes and then read them for 45 minutes a day until they no longer affect you. There are all kinds of exercises you can do to help you push through this temporary set back. You're almost there. It's OK to be afraid from time to time. Embrace the parts of you that are hard to embrace. It's easy to be kind to ourselves when we feel good. The key is to be kind to ourselves when we hurt. Get a doll and hold her. She represents you the inner child. Soothe all the time.

My best to you.

Look at your mind as a wall, now grease that wall with positive attitude, exercise and good times. the thoughts will come but they WONT stick.. The wall will be WAY to slippery.

Well said, Zoe_M
I see things more realistic now.

Boon, I read all of your posts with great pleasure! They're so positive and relaxing.
Thanks to everyone here I'll sleep peacefully tonight.

I agree. . . Boon could totally be a coach. She's pretty neat.

I have had this fear of going "psycho" also. Or just going crazy and being locked up in a hospital and forced to take medication.

The thing is mental illness doesn't run in my family, other than anxiety. . . however I just found out that a cousin of mine was in an accident with a brain injury and is now having severe problems. So I've started wondering if really it was the accident or it's just something biochemical and this increases my chances of having problems. Silly, right? And I found out that my other cousin who is actually my mother's age, spent 3 days in the hospital once due to panic/anxiety.

When it boils right down to it, I'm fairly certain I'm not nuts and never will be. . . But, I have times when I look back at myself from 6 months ago when I had panic and anxiety day and night and worried I'd lose my job over it. . . to me that in itself is enough to be scared of.

I'm SO much better now. . . but still I'm working on making these changes permanent. I know that at times it's easy to slip into old patterns so I just need to take control of my thoughts and my diet and my exercise. It's when I get a little lazy and stop doing what I know I need to do that some of the anxiety comes back.

Another thing for me is accepting that some anxiety is just part of my make-up and expecting perfection is not a good idea. I'll never completely remove anxiety or scary thoughts from my life. But, like Boon and others have said. . . I can learn to accept and not let them have such a tight grip on me any more.

I woke up with an anxiety attack the other day, first time in awhile . . probably hormones. But I immediately reminded myself it was anxiety and started my breathing and relaxation and after about 10-15 minutes that squirt of adrenaline wore off and I was fine. That was a nice little victory.

Boon is fantastic! All of you are! Thanks SO much for your encouragement. I guess the accepting and especially writing down scary thoughts is THE HARDEST thing for me. I'm sure it is for lots of us. It's like I don't want it to seem "that" real and put it outside of my mind like that. Too scary. Does that make any sense? I don't have any "images or scenarios to write" The thoughts stay only that - thoughts. Some days I can take complete control of my reaction to any scary thoughts and push them aside, other days I find it sooo hard not to run down the anxious highway with them. I read before that OCD = the "doubting disease" I can completely understand.

I can relate to not wanting to write it down, but it is a technique to help desensitize you from the thoughts. As for the "images or scenrios to write" do you not have particular scary thoughts that repeat? I know I did. . . both relating to being afraid I'd go crazy and hurt myself or my kids (I'll spare you the details) and another scenario relating to going crazy and having to go to the hospital. (again sparing details. LOL)

So, Boon's suggestion would be to write it all out and let the thoughts flow on paper almost like you're writing out a story, and don't hold back. Let it get as far out there as your imagination lets you. Then, when you read that scenario over and over. . at first it will be scary and anxiety producing. After awhile it will lose its power as your mind gets sort of bored with it. This type of thing helped me in the past. . .actually for me just writing it out and reading it a couple times, made me realize how silly it was. I would never hurt myself or anyone. And, just the fact that the thought of it scares you so much is proof you won't do it. (I know you know this but) people that are 'psycho' WANT to hurt others.