Lately, I have been feeling depressed though and it's a little scary. I am not where I used to be before the program and work with anxiety, I've just taken a step back.
Lately I struggle with decisions, a lot of them small and insignificant. I overanalyze at work when making decisions and then get really confused and anxious. When this happens, I usually don't force myself to make the decision while I am in the anxious mode. Is this a secondary gain perhaps? By not making the decision am I avoiding doing more work.
Part of me thinks I am scared of commitment.
I'll work through this example. My friend asked me whether I wanted to go to a music festival this weekend, she would buy advance tickets. I didn't really have an overly excited or disexcited feeling about going. I was stressing myself out over whether to go or not and beating myself up thoroughly for not making a decision or knowing what I wanted. She did, how come I DIDN'T!
So here is my rebuttle to myself "Dearest Angela, it is OK that you don't really know if you want to go or not. You do not have a crystal ball and cannot predict whether you will have a good time or not. If you are just so-so about the event, do not commit. Respond to her and say if you decide you want to come, you will contact her the day of and buy tickets then. You have been gung ho to attend other events (ex: movie premiere) and have committed ahead of time. Just because you do not want to attend this one, does not mean that you do not want to attend any. Be gentle with yourself. You are 100% ok the way you are and the fact that you care about pulling out later shows you are a thoughtful person. Be nice to yourself Angela because you are worth it
![Smile :)](./images/smilies/icon_e_smile.gif)
Feels good. Some of these are just randmon thoughts but if anyone has any insight to throw in or comments please do.
Feels good to write.
This afternoon, I am going to take things one step at a time, be unafraid of asking questions and re: making decisions, just do the best I can and realize that is all I can do. I AM and HAVE BEEN doing my best, I do not have to make the PERFECT decision because that does not exist.