Jan 11 2009 (The Realization)
So Yestaurday I woke up feeling just plain aweful..I had done Karaoke last night with a few friends along with some drinking games...I lost the drinking game which usually happens regardless of what game it is. I ended up getting a hangover from that and I spent alot of time napping and I watched a few episodes of Xena. One thing that caught my attention is when Gabriel was telling someone that Xena does the things that she feels is the right thing even if it hurts her. Why that caught my attention I really didn't know at the time. I figured out why later though.
I went out to a friend's birthday party and there were many people there that I didn't know and so I was feeling a little nervous and there were 2 girls sitting by themselves just talking to each other...I got such a bad vibe from them and so I didn't spend too much time with them. I later noticed that they would point to people or look directly at people (myself included) and then whisper to themselves about that person. It's extremely rude but hey, that kind of behavior takes away from their reputation and can hurt them more than the person they're judging. That's too bad because they isolated themselves away from everybody else and we could have had even more fun if they joined us in the party games we were playing.
Later on, somehow I got into a conversation with a friend of my friend who I met at the New Years Eve party and we ended up talking about my family and she was very inqusitive about my relationship with my family. I let her know that I hadn't spoken with them for 5 years and she asked what happened and I let her know that I was taken advantage of by a family member and that nobody believed me. I have no idea how we got into the subject of this person's funeral but she suggested that I tell everybody what happened at the funeral and to do it for myself. I was against the idea but after everybody went to bed the situation just kept going on and on in my head. I have to do it...but not for myself. I just know that I have to do it for all the other people who went through the same thing as I did...I need to end that cycle as we all know that history can repeat itself. The suffering of one person does spread to other people and it isn't uncommon to adapt the same habits as the ones that hurt us if we don't face them. I also feel very very strongly that I need to do it for the person who did these bad things to me. I don't have any proof of anything after lifish but I feel so strongly that I would put my life on the line to say that the guilt of the person's actions will keep them stuck between this world and the afterlife If I don't say it. I most likely will get very emotional up there infront of everybody and it will probabbly hurt many many people and I'm sure many people won't believe what I have to say. It could lead to losing more people but I have to do this...even if it was the last thing I did. I would still do it! Besides the strong feelings that I feel about this right now, there is a commercial that keeps coming on tv about child abuse where this kid is testifying against his father in the court room and I've never seen this commerical until today. I also have a really strong feeling that He will pass away in the next 2-5 years.
I feel like there is going to be alot more stress in my life and If I'm going to face these things, I'm going to have to spend alot more time sleeping for the next little while. It's about time I start to get myself to a state where I can face my responsibilities more head on.
Mike
NinjaFrodo's Everything Journal
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Guest
Jan 12 2009 (What?!?)
What the heck was I thinking?!? I can't get up to a funeral stand and tell everybody that was sexually abused. Omg, that isn't going to be productive at all and won't give me the results I'd be searching for...I can't believe I convinced myself that this was a good idea based on someone else's suggestion. People would be hurting and how is more hurting going to help? I convinced myself that it was such a good idea that I made it sound like the best thing in my mind and I actually feel so stupid for saying that i'd bet my life on my feeling. It gave me alot of anxiety just thinking about it and made me feel more depressed and I'm actually feeling more stressful, spacy, irritable and tired. I can't do that and I can't think like this anymore. If I'm going to use my painful experience to help others then I can do this through writing a book when I feel ready to do it.
I've decided that I need to actually listen to my body now. When it says it needs rest then I'm going to rest when I can. I've been ignoring it to spend time helping people online or just wasting away infront of the tv or computer. There has been 1 set of thoughts that has been on my mind with most of my anxiety attacks...I need to rest more, I'm not taking time to myself, I need to rest, I need to relax. So I think along with getting myself to sleep early, I'm going to lie down whenever I get too overwhelmed. I can listen to music, sing something and just let myself feel comfortable. I deserve to feel comfortable, relaxed and peaceful.
Mike
What the heck was I thinking?!? I can't get up to a funeral stand and tell everybody that was sexually abused. Omg, that isn't going to be productive at all and won't give me the results I'd be searching for...I can't believe I convinced myself that this was a good idea based on someone else's suggestion. People would be hurting and how is more hurting going to help? I convinced myself that it was such a good idea that I made it sound like the best thing in my mind and I actually feel so stupid for saying that i'd bet my life on my feeling. It gave me alot of anxiety just thinking about it and made me feel more depressed and I'm actually feeling more stressful, spacy, irritable and tired. I can't do that and I can't think like this anymore. If I'm going to use my painful experience to help others then I can do this through writing a book when I feel ready to do it.
I've decided that I need to actually listen to my body now. When it says it needs rest then I'm going to rest when I can. I've been ignoring it to spend time helping people online or just wasting away infront of the tv or computer. There has been 1 set of thoughts that has been on my mind with most of my anxiety attacks...I need to rest more, I'm not taking time to myself, I need to rest, I need to relax. So I think along with getting myself to sleep early, I'm going to lie down whenever I get too overwhelmed. I can listen to music, sing something and just let myself feel comfortable. I deserve to feel comfortable, relaxed and peaceful.
Mike
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Guest
Jan 30th, 2009 (Fired!!!)
Well I just got fired today. I've been extra stressed at the call centre job since I started and I ended up having to take more sick days then I usually have to. I called in today to tell them that I wasn't coming in because I was sick. I had to take wednesday off, I attempted to work yestaurday (thursday) but had to go home after an hour and a half and then I called in sick today. They called me back about 45 minutes after the shift started and told me that It was too much of an occurance and that I hadn't completed my 3 month probation period so they were letting me go. In fact, she even threw in my face that they didn't even need to give me a reason as to why they were firing me. Gee I'm so appreciative that they let me know....
I took that job so I could improve my social skills and I forced myself to do this in a job that went completely against who I am as a person.
Lesson 1- I cannot fully grow if I force myself into a position where I have to work on my limitations regardless of if I feel I can face them that day or not.
Lesson 2- I need to respect my own needs of who I am and the limitations I have when it comes to getting a job. Getting a job which violates my beliefs (if my beliefs are reasonable), isn't going to make me grow and it isn't going to contribute to my goals...it's going to have a reverse effect.
My perception on jobs is diffrent now...even though I struggled soooooooo much with this latest job I did it for the most part and It was one of the most stressful jobs I've done...I still did it. If I can do a very stressful job like that, I can do a job that is less stressful which is alot of the other jobs out there.
I also realized that I was able to be social with alot of these people that I got to talk to over the phone. These people communicated with me very well, they told me that they appreciated talking to me, they got to laugh, they've made me laugh and I found that I already have it in me to be good at socializing and communicating. This is some great hope. I may have to struggle with words sometimes and my cognitive functioning might be a little slow at the moment...But I can still do it and as I start to feel better and better, this will improve more and more.
Above all, I'm so extremely relieved to not be doing something that I absolutely hated. Now, I just need to get over feeling sick, figure out my expenses, make a plan of action to find another job and just go for it.
Mike
Well I just got fired today. I've been extra stressed at the call centre job since I started and I ended up having to take more sick days then I usually have to. I called in today to tell them that I wasn't coming in because I was sick. I had to take wednesday off, I attempted to work yestaurday (thursday) but had to go home after an hour and a half and then I called in sick today. They called me back about 45 minutes after the shift started and told me that It was too much of an occurance and that I hadn't completed my 3 month probation period so they were letting me go. In fact, she even threw in my face that they didn't even need to give me a reason as to why they were firing me. Gee I'm so appreciative that they let me know....
I took that job so I could improve my social skills and I forced myself to do this in a job that went completely against who I am as a person.
Lesson 1- I cannot fully grow if I force myself into a position where I have to work on my limitations regardless of if I feel I can face them that day or not.
Lesson 2- I need to respect my own needs of who I am and the limitations I have when it comes to getting a job. Getting a job which violates my beliefs (if my beliefs are reasonable), isn't going to make me grow and it isn't going to contribute to my goals...it's going to have a reverse effect.
My perception on jobs is diffrent now...even though I struggled soooooooo much with this latest job I did it for the most part and It was one of the most stressful jobs I've done...I still did it. If I can do a very stressful job like that, I can do a job that is less stressful which is alot of the other jobs out there.
I also realized that I was able to be social with alot of these people that I got to talk to over the phone. These people communicated with me very well, they told me that they appreciated talking to me, they got to laugh, they've made me laugh and I found that I already have it in me to be good at socializing and communicating. This is some great hope. I may have to struggle with words sometimes and my cognitive functioning might be a little slow at the moment...But I can still do it and as I start to feel better and better, this will improve more and more.
Above all, I'm so extremely relieved to not be doing something that I absolutely hated. Now, I just need to get over feeling sick, figure out my expenses, make a plan of action to find another job and just go for it.
Mike